Azzy embraced me in a hug, gently pulling me away from the door and into the living room.
"Okay Bean sit tight, I'm gonna bring you some water because you look a little pale. Just stay there, okay?"
I nodded weakly as she disappeared into the kitchen.
About a minute later, I heard the back door open. I focused my gaze on the wall as River came inside.
I heard him walk in front of me, but I refused to make eye contact.
"Baby..." he trailed off.
"Please look at me."
The pure desperation in his voice made me turn my head in his direction. I still refused to look in his eyes though, opting to instead look at his shirt.
River let out a long sigh before moving forwards and crouching down in front of me. He lifted my chin up, forcing me to look in his eyes.
"How much of that did you hear?"
I blankly stared at him, not processing what he said. My mind is blank, my body feels numb.
"I-I," I stuttered.
"Baby, it's okay." Usually those words would comfort me, but now they only scare me more.
"Cove I brought you some water and a sandwich." I looked behind me and saw Azzy. I gave her a faint smile as she set the two things down in front of me.
She gave River a look and an encouragement smile before scurrying off upstairs.
"Cove," River brought my attention back to him.
"You should eat," he whispered, bringing his hand up to caress my cheek. I sucked in a breath at the contact, but didn't pull away.
"I-I'm not hungry."
"It will be good for you, please baby?"
"O-okay," I agreed. I don't think it's a good idea do disobey a gang leader, they might shoot you!
River picked up the sandwich and brought it to my lips. "Open."
I slowly opened my mouth and let him feed me the first bite. It's a ham and cheese sandwich, one of my favorites.
"Okay here, keep eating that then drink some water."
I nodded and did as he said. When I finished, I felt a lot better. Not better about the situation, just better physically. I no longer feel like I'm gonna vomit.
"Good job. I'm gonna go put the cup and plate away, then we can talk, okay?"
Again, I nodded. He let out a sad sigh as he went to go put the dishes back in the kitchen.
I'm seriously contemplating fleeing while I still can. I can just run out the door before he gets back- no. As hurtful as the truth may be, I still need to hear what he has to say.
He came back a few moments later and sat down on the loveseat in front of me. Good, at least he's giving me some space.
We sat in silence for what felt like an entirety. I don't know if I should speak first or if River should.
"Cove, baby, can you please tell me what you heard?" River finally broke the silence.
I sighed and look down, slowly nodding my head. "When I went outside to get you, I heard.. was it you dad?"
"Yes."
"Well I heard you talking to your dad. At first it sounded like he was going to start teaching you about his company. But then- I didn't mean to ease drop, I was about to go but then he started saying something about life or death."
"Okay, I think I know about when you came out. You don't have to explain anymore, unless you want to."
I quickly shook my head and he continued.
"Umm, I don't really know where to start. I was going to tell you sooner, way sooner, I promise. But we were, no we are so happy. Time flew and I just never really found the time to tell you. Our relationship is getting better and better every day, I didn't want to ruin it."
"How? How did this all happen, since when have you been.." I trailed off, not wanting to finish my sentence.
Luckily, River understood. "It's a long story baby."
"I have time. I just really want you to explain so I can know how this came to be. How do you even become a gang leader. You're 17 River, it doesn't make sense."
"Okay, it's okay I'll explain. It all began when my Dad's company first started to get big. This was years before I was born. His company is based in Italy, that's where he was born and raised. At first everything seemed great, business was booming and he was making tons of money. Soon enough, he became a millionaire."
He paused to make sure that I understand before continuing. "For a company so big, it's impossible to stay completely innocent and do nothing illegal. My Dad made the mistake of agreeing to a brand deal with another Italian million dollar company. Little did he know, associating with that company would get him a lot of trouble."
Again, he checked to see if I'm still following. I gave small him a nod to continue.
"My Dad was completely blind to all of the cons of working with them. All he cared about was that working with them would let him expand to all parts of Europe. Things were great at first, he started to rack up a whole bunch of money and soon enough he was able to expand out to America. This is where he met my mom."
"My Dad had an amazing time here in America. It was probably one of the best decisions he could've ever made. One day, a large American- based business reached out to him. They wanted to work with my Dad. He agreed and they signed a contract, little did he know, that's when terrible things would start to happen."
"The older company he signed with in Italy was not happy that he decided to work with another business while they still had their contract running. The company was jealous, they knew that working with the other business would eventually make my Dad's company better then theirs. So they sought revenge, but not in a normal way."
"Like I said earlier, company's that are big do lots of illegal things. They're dirty. The company from Italy had a large mafia attached to it. They mafia and the company worked hand in hand. The only way the company could stay afloat was by doing dirty things with their dirty mafia."
"My Dad quickly found out about their plans of revenge. This was around the time I was born, and he couldn't risk putting me in danger. So he and my mom did everything they could to protect me, they changed my last name and sent me to live with my aunt on my Mom's side of the family. I was safe, but no one else in my family was. The mafia went after the most important person to my Dad."
I noticed River tensing before he took a deep breath and shook it off.
"Baby.. they kidnapped my mom."
I gasped.
"My Dad was devastated. The mafia said that he had one month to hand over his company and pay 500 million dollars in cash. 500 million. My Dad was willing to sell his company if it meant saving my Mom, he would do anything for her. But no matter how hard he tried, he wouldn't be able to get 500 million in time. It was too f*cking much. His network was only around 70 million at the time."
"So he went to the American business for help. That business also had a mafia, and it was much bigger and stronger then that company from Italy's. They said that the would help him get his wife back, under one condition. He had to join them. So he did what he had to do and together they got my Mom back. But not everything was perfect. While my Mom was with the being held hostage, they tortured her severely. My Mom is a strong woman, she's a trooper. But Nelly wasn't."
*Trigger warning, mentions of miscarriage*
"Nelly? Who's that?" I asked. River looked up at me with sadness in his eyes and explained.
"Penelope is my un-born sister. My Mom was 4 and a half months pregnant. They killed her. They killed Nelly. They killed my baby sister."
"Oh my gosh River, that's terrible. I never knew. I'm so sorry. I couldn't imagine. I-"
River gently shushed me and reached across the coffee table to grab my hand. I let him hold and squeeze it as he continued the story.
"My Dad was never the same. It was their dream to have 2 children. I was around 1 or 2 at the time, It would've been perfect. After that, my Dad took his sadness and anger out by stealing, shooting, killing. Basically anything illegal. He got away with it because he was doing it through the mafia. Slowly but steadily, he started to crawl to the top. It wasn't long before he was working hand in hand with the founder of the mafia."
*End of trigger warning*
"After a few years, him and the founder made a deal. My Dad would go back to Italy and start his own mafia there. The two mafias would work together. They would help each other in times of need. If the American mafia ever went in some kind of war, my Dad would have to help them. Vice versa."
"It was finally safe for me to live with my parents a little bit after my 4th birthday. Ever since then, I've witnessed lots and lots of violence. Seeing so much fighting and killing isn't normal for most kids, but it was normal for me. I was raised in this lifestyle. I spent my whole life learning about my Dad's mafia and preparing to take over when my he retires. My Dad thought that it would be a good idea for me to get some practice in while he was gone, so he started a gang and handed it over to me the second I turned 16. That's why I'm a gang leader."
I nodded and he continued.
"Cove, this is how I live. I know you don't like it and you shouldn't, no one should like this kind of stuff. I never wanted you to have to adjust to what I do, but there's no other way. It doesn't mean that what I do is okay, it just means that you'll accept it and learn how to live with it. We can still be together baby, this doesn't have to mean anything."
I hummed, going deep into thought. I really don't want this to split us apart, but it might be inevitable.
"River, I-I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what's happening. I just don't know. Anything," I admitted.
"Baby it's a lot to come to terms with, it's okay to feel this way. It normal."
"Nothing about this situation is normal."
"That's not what I mean, I mean that it makes sense that you're confused. And it's okay. Let me help you, please let me help. I want to make it better."
I sighed in reply, focusing my attention on fiddling with his fingers and sliding his ring up and down as I thought.
Is it really worth it? Before this day, I thought that I would do anything for River. Anything. But now I realize that there's in fact a line that I can't cross. Will I be able to accept the dangerous version of River? That's what I need to figure out.
"Have you ever killed somebody?" I finally spoke. Earlier I just assumed that he has, but there might be a chance that he's never actually done that. It's possible that he had other people do it for him since he's in charge.
River took a deep breath and nodded slowly. Any ounce of hope that I had immediately left my body.
"How many?"
"Baby..."
"No River, tell me. How many people's lives have you taken? How many families have you hurt?"
"I don't want to lie to you baby. I killed my first person was 15, he jumped me and pulled out a knife. Since then it's totaled to around 80."
"You've killed 80 people!"
"Bad people," he corrected.
"Everyone has good in them River, whether they show it or not. Doing bad things doesn't make you a bad person."
"It's a hard decision to make Baby, but at the end of the day it's all about survival. I kill because I have to. Most people in gangs chose this life, they know that even getting involved is a huge risk on its own."
I let out a breath and nodded. At least he doesn't enjoy killing, that would be terrible. How would I be able to date someone who likes murdering other people?
"I want to think about it. I'll go home and think about it, okay? Just give me some time," I said after a while.
"Okay baby, I will give you as much time as you need. Just please consider what I said Cove, I never wanted this. I didn't chose this life, my Dad chose it for me."
"I know, it's not you fault River, not at all. I just wish you could've told me sooner."
"I know baby, I know. And I'm really sorry about that. Go home and get some rest love, I'll see you tomorrow."
ð ð ð
I lay in bed, blankly staring at the ceiling. Welp, today was quite eventful.
I went to River's house with the expectation of giving him some brownies and then hanging out. Although we were having fun at first, it came out that River is a gang leader and he kills people.
I honestly feel really bad for him. He didn't have a normal childhood, he had to grow up around violence and now it's normal to him. Violence shouldn't be normal to anyone.
My phone dinged with a message, interrupting my staring contest with the wall. When I turned it on, I realized that it's already midnight. The only person that would text me at this hour is Leah.
Except it's not Leah, It's Azzy.
I heard what happened.
Okay? What do I say to that? I ended up just saying 'oh' because what else could I say?
I know this is probably pretty scary to you. I'm here for you. Let me know if you need to talk, I will gladly do so.
"Thanks," I replied. It's nice to know that she wants to help. She probably understands River a bit better then I do, so it might be good to talk to her. Maybe tomorrow.
After a few minutes of looking at random things on my phone, I turned it off so that I can try to get some sleep since tomorrow's a school day.
As I started to doze off, my phone dinged twice. Seriously? Is some silence to much to ask for?
The first message is from Azalea, again.
River really is good guy. He has some f*cked up morals but he's trying really hard to fix himself. I've never seen him like this, before you came along, he was very violent. But now he actually tries to contain his anger because he know that you don't like violence. Even when you're not around, you still affect him. Every decision he makes, he makes with you on his mind. Even though he will probably never stop killing or fighting, he's trying to only do it when it's necessary. He really loves you Cove, even if he doesn't realize it yet.
He does all of that for me? And he loves me? No, the only person that can tell me he loves is River himself. That might be what it looks like to Azzy, but she can't read his mind.
I quickly responded. Thanks Azzy, like I told River, I just need some time to think. I'll take what you said into consideration. We can talk soon, but for now I'm gonna go to sleep.
After she replied with a simple "okay," I moved on to the second message. It's from.. River.
You probably won't see this until morning but I wanted to say goodnight. I know that you want some space and I'll give you as much space as you need, but I couldn't sleep knowing that I never said goodnight. Goodnight baby, I hope you sleep good and have wonderful dreams.
Against my better judgment, I ended up texting back a simple goodnight.
I can't help it, it feels weird to ignore him. I know that he lied and there were a lot of things he could've done better, but it's gonna be hard to get used to not talking to him. Even if it's just for a little while.
Despite already missing him, I really do need time to think. There's a lot to uncover. Do I really want to continue a relationship with a gang leader? I don't know yet, all I know is that River makes me happy. Really happy. Happier then I've ever been before in my life.
Isn't that what matters most? I don't know, that's a question for tomorrow. For now I'm going to get some much needed rest and hopefully wake up with an idea on which path to take.
River's POV
I was surprised to see that Cove texted me back. I really did not expect that. Even though it's just a simple goodnight, I kept re-reading it over and over.
I'm imagining her voice saying it to me in real life. I miss her voice. I miss her smile. I miss her.
What is wrong with me? I've gone way longer without seeing Cove, why do I miss her so much? It's only been about 7 hours since she left but I still feel a huge pain in my heart.
I guess the possibility of her never coming back hurts me. I can't bear the thought of her not be around. Why am I so stupid? I should've told her sooner. If I did, none of this would've happened.
I don't think I would be able to function if Cove decides to break up with me. I just wouldn't, I wouldn't function. I'd go crazy. She is my everything. She has me completely wrapped around her finger and she doesn't even know it.
I'll do anything for her. I'm already trying to get better, I want to be good for her. I'm doing all of this even though I know that I will never be worthy of Cove.
I lie, I fight, I cheat, and most of all, I enjoy killing people. That's something I'll never admit to her, but it's the truth. I'm a sadistic piece of sh*t that doesn't deserve her.
I'm lucky that she's even considering staying with me. She deserves so much better.
But I will keep trying. I'll win her back if it's the last thing I do. I need her, she's the only thing keeping me intact.
Gosh, she oblivious to how much I love her. I f*cking love her. I love everything about her.
I love her so much that the thought of possibly loosing her physically hurts me. I was too much of a pussy to admit my feelings, and now I may never have the chance.
3279 words
Oh my gosh, 50k reads!? What!? I don't deserve all of the support I'm getting, you guys are way too generous. I love writing this book and it makes me so happy to see that so many people enjoy reading it. Thank you guys so so much, this means a lot to me. I will try to make the next few chapters as juicy as possible because you guys deserve it.
I love you so much,
-Maya