Saturday morning started out hazy, but I was confident the sun would break through in time for the pictures. I headed down to the marina around nine, a good half-hour before I needed to be there. I decided to walk, carrying only my camera bag and a bottle of water, shoving my wallet, cell phone, and keys in my back pocket. Even with the early hour, it was hot, and my light blue jean skirt with the intentional rip felt sticky against my legs by the time I arrived. Ben was already there, chatting with his dad. I prepared myself for potential awkwardness.
"Hi, Ben, Mr. Mathews."
"Hey." Ben hopped down off the boat to greet me. "Still wearing your usual wardrobe, I see."
"Just realizing that?"
"Well, the first few times could have just been flukes."
"Very likely." I smiled. "So you think the sun is going to cooperate today?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Well, I guess we have some time before Kelly and Tom get here."
"A little bit. Why don't you get yourself set up?"
Mr. Mathews greeted me with a grin as I boarded the boat. Ben looked so much like his father that it was sometimes eerie when I saw him, like I was taking a peek into Ben's future or something. In the darkness the other night, I hadn't really looked at it, but the Mathews's 60 foot Chris-Craft still looked as beautiful as ever. Ben had always worked long hours with his father keeping up the wooden boat. I don't think either father or son minded much. It was like their baby. It was also one of their biggest money makers because they could rent it out for weddings and other events. "Hi there, Molly. By the way, you're not a kid anymore. You can call me Mark now."
"Hmm, I guess I could try."
He laughed. "Your parents always made such a big deal about formalities. It's no wonder you have trouble breaking out of it."
I knew he was really referring to my dad. Although our mothers were always friendly, my dad and Ben's never got along. They were in very different social circles, but everyone knew how strict my dad was and how tight a ship he ran at home.
Dad never liked me dating Ben. He thought Ben was a bad influence on me and accused him of using his family's money to stay out of trouble. Dad probably would have forbidden me from dating him if my mom hadn't intervened. I think the only reason he was okay with me moving across the country for school was to keep us apart. He thought we were getting too serious and that I needed more options. I wonder what he'd think if he knew his death is what finally broke us up.
"Earth to Molly. You doing okay, space cadet?" Ben touched my arm, bringing me back to the present.
"Sorry, I guess I'm out of it this morning."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Nope, but thanks."
"All right. Here comes the happy couple."
Kelly and Tom headed over, dressed up in clearly coordinated outfits. Kelly wore a light blue sun dress, and Tom wore a shirt in the exact same shade of blue.
"Hey, guys." Tom came to join us on the front deck.
"Hey." I gave a small wave.
Kelly made a beeline for Mr. Mathews. "Thanks so much for letting us use the boat today."
"It's fine. I'd never deny Molly a favor, and it's a nice day to head out on the water anyway."
Deny me a favor? Of course that's how it would be construed.
Mr. Mathews went inside to take the wheel, and we headed out. I leaned against the railing, watching the marina disappear behind us. I loved being out on the ocean. I promised myself that if I ever made a lot of money, the first thing I'd buy would be a boat.
"I don't think you'd survive living away from the coast." Ben joined me, his arm rubbing against mine.
"You couldn't either."
"Nope, I couldn't. Sometimes I wonder how people do it. How do they survive in those landlocked states?" He looked longingly out at the water. Two things really made Ben come aliveâhis music and the water.
"You can't miss what you've never had."
"Yeah, I guess not. I feel bad for those people who grew up on the water and had to move, though."
"They can always take beach vacations, right?"
"What if a vacation isn't enough?"
"I think you learn to take what you can get." I moved away from him, not liking where the conversation was headed.
We were getting close to the perfect spot to anchor, so I went to talk to Kelly about what kind of shots she was looking for.
"I don't know. We just want some cute pictures, maybe some artistic ones."
"Artistic ones? What does that mean exactly?"
"I think that's your department."
"All right. I'll do my best."
We anchored, and I started with some posed pictures of the couple while Ben and his father watched. Through my lens, I witnessed just how happy Tom made my best friend. You couldn't fake that level of happiness. I couldn't help contrasting it to what Adam and I had in the end. I loved being with Adam. I knew that, but I definitely never glowed like Kelly. It wasn't jealousy that set me on edge as I snapped some candid shots of them laughing and playing around. Instead, it was just sadness for what I'd been missing.
A large splash made me jump, holding my camera against my chest. I looked down into the water to see Ben swimming along the side of the boat. By the size of the splash, he must have jumped from the highest deck. "Ben! You're lucky you didn't get my camera wet."
"Oh, stop whining, I wasn't that close to you. Come join me. The water feels great." He grinned, floating on his back.
"No thanks, I didn't bring a swimsuit."
"That didn't stop you the other night."
Mr. Mathews cleared his throat. "On that note, I think I'm going to go inside and make sure everything is in order."
I felt my cheeks heat. "Mr. Mathews, can't you control your son?"
"It's never worked before, and I'm not about to try again now." He laughed and walked away.
Kelly and Tom joined me at the railing.
"Are either of you coming in?" Ben asked while treading water.
"No thanks, but it does look refreshing," Tom replied.
Ben dove under for a minute and came back up. "I don't know how the rest of you aren't boiling."
"We are, but we're suffering in silence," I said.
"Oh, the martyr."
Kelly laughed. "We are boiling. Let's get this done so we can get out of the sun."
I finished up with a few more pictures and Ben came back onboard. I tried to ignore how good he looked with the water dripping off him. He caught me looking and smirked. He let the sun dry his shorts as we started back in.
I went back to the railing, enjoying the feel of the wind and sun on my face. It was impossible to keep Ben out of the water. It was even harder to keep me out of the sun.
"Thanks again, Mr. Mathews. We really appreciate it, and I can't wait to see how the pictures turn out." Despite her earlier complaint about the heat, Kelly radiated excitement when we arrived back at the dock.
"It was no problem," Mr. Mathews assured them again.
"I can show you the pictures anytime; just let me go through them first so I can pick out the ones I think are best."
"Okay, great. You're so awesome!" Kelly hugged me before following Tom to his SUV. They had a meeting with the pastor doing their wedding. It was some sort of mandatory pre-wedding counseling.
"Big plans for the day?" Mr. Mathews asked after they drove away.
"Not unless grocery shopping counts."
"Oh, that's great. Maybe you can help Ben find a gift for his mother. It's Mother's Day tomorrow, you know."
Oh no. I had almost forgotten. I'd have to rush to have some flowers delivered to Mom.
"By the look on your face, I'd say you have some shopping to do too."
"What do you say?" Ben asked.
I didn't have an excuse. "Sure, when were you thinking about going?"
"How about now? We're already out."
"All right, works for me, but don't you want to change?"
"Why would I change? My clothes are dry." He pulled the fabric of his shorts away from his body to demonstrate.
"Okay, suit yourself."
We said goodbye to Ben's dad and got in his truck. "So where are we going? What kind of gift did you have in mind?"
"I don't know. I usually just get her flowers or something, but then Jake always outdoes me with some meaningful gift."
"So you want to be more creative?"
"I guess."
"Okay, so maybe we should try some antique stores?" I suggested.
"I don't know..."
I thought about the kind of woman his mother was, what she'd appreciate. "I've got it."
"What?"
"Do you have any old pictures at your place?"
"Pictures of what?"
I rolled my eyes. "Of your family, when you were kids."
"Oh yeah, I have an album of old ones Mom made when I moved out."
"Okay, perfect. Is your mom still into wind chimes?"
Ben laughed. "Of course. Their porch sounds like a freaking symphony nowadays."
"We need to stop by the craft store, but I have a great idea."
"All right. You've got that look in your eyes. This is going to be good."
"I hope so."
A half hour later, I sat cross legged on the floor of Ben's living room waiting for hot glue to dry. I'd managed to create a wind chime complete with pictures of all of her boys. Mrs. Mathews always said she had three because her husband could be such a kid sometimes. It looked pretty good, and more importantly, it was something she'd specifically appreciate.
"I think you'll have Jake beat this year."
"Absolutely, thanks so much."
"No problem, but can I use your computer? I need to send my mom flowers, and I hate having to do things like that on my phone." I was still feeling bad about almost missing the holiday.
"Sure. My laptop's in my room." Ben got up and headed down the hall to his bedroom. I followed behind.
When I'd peeked into his room the other night, I hadn't really taken a good look at it. The only furniture in the room was a queen sized bed, a small bedside table, and a dresser placed in a corner. The walls were painted off-white just like the rest of the house. I figured that's how Ben found it and never changed it. The only thing on the walls was a black and white photo of a sailboat on the oceanâand I recognized it as one of mine. Between the picture of us in his living room and the fact that he had one of my photos on his bedroom wall, I really didn't know what he had been thinking before I came back to town.
I had to smile watching Ben try to quickly make his bed while I looked around. He obviously hadn't been expecting company. Retrieving his laptop from the bed stand, he tossed it over to the side of the bed I stood near before laying down on the opposite side, leaning against the pillows.
I sat down on the bed, opening up the computer and waiting for it to wake up.
"You can make yourself more comfortable, you know."
I scooted back before turning and propping myself up with an extra pillow. "Fancy office you have here."
"I don't have a need for one."
"Yeah, me either. Not anymore." For the first time in ages, I didn't need to study. It still felt like I was on an extended vacation, and I was going to wake up with a list of assignments a mile long.
I spent a few minutes finding the right site and looking for some flowers I could actually afford. I wanted something nice though. I wanted to make up for shutting Mom out. I hated hurting her, but I didn't know what else to do. She knew how much it upset Dad when we fought, and I worried that every time she saw me, she remembered how horribly I'd behaved. She tried to reach out to me over and over, but I didn't know how to have a normal relationship with her anymore.
"This is kind of natural, isn't it?" Ben brought me back to the present. I looked over to see him smiling with his hands behind his head, reclining comfortably.
"What is natural exactly?"
"This." He moved a hand out to gesture at us lounging on his bed. "It's nice to just sit with you like this."
"Oh. Yeah, it's peaceful, I guess." I didn't need to tell him that he was right. I was dying to say something about the sailboat photo though. He beat me to it.
"Do you remember when you took that picture?"
"Not specifically, but I think I have a copy of it somewhere." I finished, finally selecting a small arrangement made up entirely of purple, Mom's favorite color, and set aside the laptop.
"You took it the day after you told me you were going to Boston."
"Oh." I looked away from him, not wanting to relive that conversation. I ran my fingers over the blue madras pattern of his quilt, messing with a string that had come loose.
"I freaked out on you. I know that. I called you selfish and accused you of using it as an excuse to get away from me. I must have sounded like a fucking psycho."
"I wasn't surprised by your reaction. We considered ourselves pretty serious back then."
"Why'd you decide you wanted to go so far away? Until then I always thought Chapel Hill was your dream school."
"I don't know. Part of it was just wanting to try something different, I guess."
"And the other part?" He sat up on an elbow, leaning toward me.
"I didn't want to be left behind."
"Left behind by who?"
"You."
He sat up. "What? How could you have thought for a second I'd ever leave you behind?"
"You were so focused on your band. I figured that if you ever really got a break, you'd leave and never look back at anythingâincluding me. I refused to be thatgirl." We hadn't bothered to turn on the lights, and with less direct sunlight streaking in, the room became progressively darker.
"You actually thought that? You honestly believed I could ever want anyone but you in my life? That I wouldn't take you anywhere I went?"
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I have? I was seventeen. How many high school relationships make it past graduation?"
I looked away from him and out the window. I watched a bird strut back and forth on the branch of a tree. I wondered why it walked so slowly when it could fly instead.
His hands found mine. "I never would have left you." He tugged on my arm a little as he leaned back again, still holding one of my hands. "I guess that was the difference between us."
"What do you mean?" I turned toward him.
"I never believed there was anyone else out there. I knew completely that no one else would ever make me feel the way you did. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and from the day I realized I loved you, I never even considered a future without you." He exhaled loudly. "But it wasn't like that for you, was it? You wanted to make sure you weren't missing out on something better."
His words stung, getting me in a place that was already so riddled with emotional scars that I wasn't sure I could take any more. He was right, of course. I had been looking for more, never satisfied with what I had. Maybe that was my problem in life. I always looked ahead to greater things.
I searched for words, but couldn't find any, so instead I leaned back and dared to look over at him again. His eyes weren't accusatory, but they did reveal a level of pain I hadn't expected to see. He opened his arms, and I let myself fall into them. I hurt so badly that I would take any comfort I could get, even if it would hurt more later.
"I'm sorry if I upset you. There's just so much I've wanted to say to you, but never had the chance. I had a plan to get you back, you know."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I was going to propose to you that first Thanksgiving when you came home. I bought the ring and everything."
"What?" I pulled away from him so I could see if he was serious.
The wistful expression on his face proved the sincerity of his statement. "I was going to propose to you out back on your dockâon the exact spot where we had our first kiss. I was so sure that it would show you how serious I was and that you would realize that you could rely on me, that I could take care of you."
"And I didn't come home that year."
"No, you didn't. But Shayna and her husband did. She told me you weren't home and didn't give me any details. Her husband followed me out and said, man to man, I needed to know the truthâyou were spending Thanksgiving with your new boyfriend's family." Ben's face twisted into a pained expression as he replayed the exchange.
"Oh god, Ben. I'm sorry you found out that way. I didn't even think about what it would be like for you. I was so focused on moving on and never looking back."
"I kept the ring. I always felt that getting rid of it meant I was really giving up. Even when I found out you were engagedâwhich pissed me off royally, by the way. You see that spot where the paint is messed up over there?" He pointed to an indent in the wall by the door.
"Yeah?"
"That's where I punched my fist through the wall when I heard you were getting married. But you know what? Even then I couldn't fully give up. I mean, people call off engagements all the time, right?" He paused, looking at me for agreement. My eyes returned to the mismatched paint on the wall. Somehow that physical manifestation of the pain I'd caused Ben was like an accident scene. I couldn't look away.
"Even as I lived my life pretending you didn't exist, I kept waiting for you to come back to me. I thought I was dreaming when I first saw you at Marney's, and you told me you were single."
My chest hurt, and my throat felt like it was closing up. "Ben I don't know what to say..."
"But I wasn't dreaming. You are really back, and you're lying here on my bed with me."
"Benâ" I tore my eyes away from the wall.
"No. Don't. Don't remind me that this is just a casual thing. I get that. And I'm okay with itâat least for now. I just need to have you with me in any way I can get you. Don't let this scare you away. I don't expect any more from you." He pulled me against him again, but this time the gesture wasn't to give reassurance. He kissed me roughly, his hands equally rough as they kept me at his side. I'm not sure where things would have gone from there if his phone hadn't rung.
He composed himself for a moment before answering. "Hi, Mom."
I suppressed a giggle. Awkward. "Yup, Molly's with me."
"Umm, sure. We can pick those up. You want us to come right over?"
"All right, we'll be there soon."
"We're okay, right?" he asked after hanging up. "I haven't completely scared you off, have I?"
I wanted to tell him it wasn't okay, that I couldn't be with him if he still had feelings that strong, but I was getting so damn tired of lying all the time. I didn't want to stay away from Ben. I didn't want him to stop loving me because I loved him. I just wished I had more to give or that I was strong enough to walk away before I did more damage. But maybe the damage was already done. Maybe he really meant it when he said he'd take me in any way he could. Maybe he could accept me as broken and messed up as I was. I kept all those thoughts to myself. "I'm still here, aren't I?"
"Yeah, you are." He smiled before getting up and pulling me to my feet, catapulting me into his arms.