"I can't believe I'm really getting married." Kelly and I reclined on two lawn chairs in her backyard after the rehearsal dinner. Things had gone perfectly at the church, and we'd all enjoyed a fun barbeque afterward. Ben and I were the only ones left. Things weren't too awkward with Gavin, but he was still really stiff with Ben. I understood and was glad that no one said anything about it.
"This time tomorrow you'll be Mrs. Tom Farell."
"I'm not old enough to be missus anything."
"Then call yourself Ms. because either way, it's happening."
"I know, and I can't wait."
Watching the look of pure joy and excitement on her face made me smile and tear up simultaneously. I really was so happy for her.
Ben walked over to us, leaning down to match my eye level. "I need to head out to rehearsal. I hate to make you leave if you're not ready, though." He looked at his watch. "Maybe I could wait ten minutes?"
"No, it's okay. Go ahead, I'll just walk home or make Kelly drive me."
Kelly rolled her eyes. "You wouldn't have to make me."
"All right. It's going to be really late, so don't wait up." Ben smiled. He loved saying things like that. Although I had initially planned to resist his offer to start spending nights at his place, I'd caved easily. We weren't living together exactly because I kept most of my stuff at my parents' house, but I hadn't spent a night alone since Shayna went back to Seattle. We'd fallen into a comfortable routine, and I hoped it wouldn't change anytime soon.
Ben left, and I spent another hour chatting with Kelly before she drove me the short distance home. Tom was leaving to spend the night at Gavin's because Kelly insisted that they sleep separately the night before the wedding. As modern as Kelly could be, she still had some old fashioned girl in her.
"Sleep well, bride-to-be." I reached over to hug her before getting out of the car.
"I doubt I'll sleep at all, but I'll try."
"So you want me over at eleven, right?'
"Yes, but feel free to come earlier."
"All right, good night."
***
Ben was still at rehearsal with his band when the email showed up. The time stamp was listed as 12:00 a.m. on the dot, but I didn't check it until 12:04. I'm not usually such a detail oriented person, but I'd never forget that it took me four minutes to see it.
The name jumped out at me, stabbing at my heart and making me feel light headed. My first thought was that it was a cruel joke. It wasn't until I got up the nerve to open the email that I realized it for what it wasâhis note.
Dear Molly,
This is probably going to be a hard day for you, or at least I think it will be. I don't know if you ever wanted to marry me, but I know you don't want to now. You may have convinced yourself you wanted to postpone it because we don't have the money, but you can't fool me. I've known you long enough to know when you're in denial.
I never thought things would turn out like this. I was supposed to be living it up, making an impression at the firm. Instead, my job's maybe a month away from gone. We were supposed to be in love, but that part's only half true. I love you, but I don't believe you actually love me. I've tried to figure out if there's someone elseâbut I don't think there is. I think there's just the idea of someone else.
I know you probably won't understand my decision, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be a failure.
I hope you find your happily ever after one dayâyou deserve it.
I'll always love you.
Adam
I didn't make it to the bathroom. I got sick right there on the kitchen floor. I had a fleeting thought that at least it wasn't the carpet. The good thing about the mess was that it kept me momentarily distracted. I got out the mop and made a bucket of cleaner. The floor was spotless when the contents of the email finally set in.
I poured myself a cranberry vodka. The second glass didn't even have cranberry juice. The alcohol numbed the pain a little, but not enough. I took an extra swig straight from the bottle. I wanted Ben, but I wasn't sure how I could face him. It was one thing when I could pretend it wasn't my faultâbut I had my proof. What kind of person sends his fiancé his suicide note on their wedding day? I couldn't believe he'd had the wherewithal to do it. I couldn't believe he'd made me wait so long.
I had my note. It should have felt like closure. That's all I'd wanted with my dadâclosure. But somehow this note didn't make things any better. I only felt worse. Drunk, angry, and unwilling to sit in the house any longer, I went out. I was in no shape to drive, so I walked. I wasn't sure where I was headed, but I kept going. I was halfway out of town when I realized where I was.
Remnants of a party were spewed all over the grass beside the tracks. A whole case of empty beer bottles rattled as I pushed over the box to sit on it. I guess these kids were neat enough to put them back in the cardboard. We never were. I heard the faint sound of a train whistle in the distance.
I used to love hanging out at the tracks up by the crossing; it was as good a place as any to party. Plus, it had the added bonus of the ultimate dare. We'd all stand on the tracks when we heard the first warning of the freight train approaching. The last one standing on the tracks won. I always wonâevery single time. While everyone else jumped off as soon as the whistle got louder, I waited until I could feel the train. I knew that you got a nice head start with the vibrations before you could see the light.
I wondered if I still had the nerve. I stood up and walked over to the tracks, balancing on a rail. The whistle sounded again, but I still didn't feel anything. I thought about how much had changed since the last time I'd stood there. I looked over a few feet to where the white cross with my Dad's name stood out in the moonlight.
The vibrations startedâmild at first, then increasingâbut I stood my ground. I looked ahead of me, wondering how long it would take before the light of the train would come into sight. A whistle sounded loudly, and I knew it would soon come around the bend. I'd never held out this long. My friends would have been freaking out by nowâbegging me to stop messing around. They weren't there this time.
The light was brighter than I'd expected, and I froze for a second, shivering as I realized how little stood between me and that trainâor really how nothing did. Kind of how nothing stood between life and death. The whistle blew again, and the light was almost on me.
For a brief moment, I wondered what would happen if I didn't move. Could all the misery finally end? Then I remembered BenâI saw his brown eyes and his smile.
I jumped off, falling to my knees as the large freight train lumbered past. The noise was deafening as I watched car after car. I had a fleeting thought of what would happen if I jumped on. Was there really anywhere else I wanted to be? The answer was simpleâno. Running away wasn't going to dull the pain. I'd learned that already.
Once the last car disappeared into the distance, I returned to the case of empty beer bottles. I pulled one out and threw it onto the track, loving the release from smashing the glass into tiny pieces. I picked up another one and did the same thing. And then another. The next one bounced off. I bent down to retrieve it and sliced my hand. It didn't seem like a deep cut at first, but it started oozing blood and hurt like hell. I slunk down in the grassâjust wanting all the pain to end.
I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and speed dialed Ben's number, hoping he heard it even if he was still practicing.
"Hello?"
"I need you." I broke into sobs.
"Where are you?"
"The crossing."
"I'm on my way. Don't hang up." I could hear the panic in his voice.
I heard him muffle a few words to his band mates and then a door slamming closed. "I'm on my way."
I didn't say anything, unable to talk through my hysterics.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." He said it over and over. I lay down on the grass, looking up at the stars.
I heard his truck drive onto the shoulder and then he was there, pulling me into his lap. "Molly, what's wrong? What are you doing here?"
"You came."
"Of course I did. I'm never making that mistake again. What happened?" He took off his t-shirt and wrapped my hand in it.
I handed him my phone, hitting the email icon. I'd never closed out of the message.
Ben read it. "What a fucking bastard."
"I know. I mean, I know he was sick or something, but to send me this? He knew what it would do to me."
"Don't let it do it. Don't let it hurt you."
"That's easy for you to say. What do you know about living with guilt like this?"
"I may not know about guilt, but I sure as hell know about regret."
"What do you mean?"
"I fucked up and lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and it took five years to get you back."
"You didn't mess up. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I only called once."
"Yeah, and I didn't pick up."
"Because you couldn't hear it."
"That's not true." He pulled me closer against him, like he was afraid I'd disappear if he didn't hold tight. "I heard it ring. I didn't want to pick up."
"Why not?" I pulled away slightly so I could look up at him, noticing what might have been tears in his eyes.
"I didn't want to listen to the nagging. You were so down on me for getting high, and I didn't want you to ruin it for me."
"Oh." I didn't know what to say. Compared to everything else that night, it didn't shock me.
"So, if you want to blame yourself for Adam or your Dad, I can't stop you, but what you need to realize is that we all screw up sometimes."
"Screwing up doesn't quite cover making people kill themselves."
"That's because you didn't makeanyone do anything. You need to accept that. Adam made his own decisionâhe even said as much. And who knows with your dadâit could have just been an accident, but that isn't the point. You want to feel badly for fighting with your dad, or hurting Adam because you weren't in love with him, that's fine, but that's where it ends." Ben squeezed my hand.
"You should have had a chance to apologize to your dad, and Adam should have dealt. Sure, it might have been heartbreaking to realize you didn't return his feelings anymore, but I can say from experience that isn't a reason to end your life."
"No, it's not." I thought about the moment on the track, how close the train came and how easily I could have caused the same pain I'd spent years buckling under.
"You're going to be okay. We're going to be okay."
"I know. You came."
"And I'll always come." He stood up, helping me up with my good hand. "We need to get you home and take care of that cut."
"Home. I like that."