Clayton Falls looked exactly the same as it always did when I turned off the interstate. The old highway leading into town was desolate as usual, and I knew that, without my headlights, I'd be in pitch blackness.
I rolled down my windows and drove through town slowly; I wasn't in the mood to piss off the local police. I probably went to school with half the department. I could already smell the ocean. The thick scent of salt reminded me that I was really back home. I felt a sudden surge of adrenalin. My eyes no longer drooped.
I turned into the new traffic circle, 'new' being a relative term since it had been installed ten years before. Where I came from, anything that hadn't been there when you were born was new. I turned left and drove around the town square. I studied the closed storefronts, wondering if the same people still owned them. It had been years since I'd been back. Yellow-tinted lights illuminated the grassy median, revealing that the graduating class had already gone to work on the statue of our town's founder. With an animal print bikini top, large sunglasses, and a swim cap, the makeover wasn't particularly original, but it was still funny. I passed the square, into a more residential area of town.
With some trepidation, I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home. The dark windows reminded me how empty it was. When I'd called my mom to tell her I was going to stay for a while, she warned me the house might not be in good shape. She hadn't been home in over a year, not since my sister Shayna had her second baby. Parking in the blacktop driveway, I grabbed my purse and one small bag from the passenger seat before heading to the faded yellow front door.
Inserting my key, I pushed open the door, flipping on lights before closing and locking the door behind me. I'd get the rest of my bags in the morning. Even hundreds of miles from Boston, I still had the city security mentality. I'd bet a lot that half my neighbors never bothered to lock their homes. Clayton Falls wasn't exactly a hotbed for crime.
I took the steps two at a time, eager to collapse onto the twin bed of my childhood. Maybe it would be easier to sleep in a bed meant for just one. The nameplate on the door displayed "Molly" in bright pink, still my favorite color. I smiled slightly before pushing open the door.
The pink and blue quilt called to me, and I answered, curling up into a ball with one of my favorite teddy bears. With only the light brown bear to witness, I let out the tears I had held in for the entire drive. The grief wasn't new. Months had passed since Adam died, but it never seemed to get easier. I knew from experience how impossible it was to get over the sudden death of someone you loved. I also knew that I would never escape the guilt that ate away at me every second of every day.
I pulled myself off the bed long enough to unpack my toiletries and went to the small bathroom I used to share with my sister. Just as I got ready to turn on the water for a hot shower, I heard a knock on the front door.
Groaning, I climbed back downstairs. Looking out the front window, I noticed the red Lancer belonging to my childhood best friend in the driveway. Opening the door, I tried to plaster on a smile.
"Molly! Oh my god, it's really you!" Kelly pulled me into a hug, nearly squashing me.
"Kelly, wow. How'd you know I was home? I just got here twenty minutes ago."
"Tom heard a call about a disturbance at your address, and your mom already called to say you were coming, so I put two and two together." Kelly's brown eyes lit up when she mentioned her boyfriend's name. It still seemed funny to me that my former partner in crime was in love with a cop.
"My mom called you?" I wasn't actually surprised; it was just like my mom to go over my head in a misguided attempt to help.
"Yeah, she's obviously worried. Anyway, aren't you going to invite me in?"
"Sorry, come in." I opened the door wider and moved to let her pass.
Kelly led the way into the kitchen, flipping on a light before flopping down in a chair the way only someone who has spent considerable time in a house would do.
"I told Tom we'd meet him in an hour over at Gill's."
"Gill's? You actually hang out there now?" I couldn't picture my friends at the local bar. Growing up, we'd viewed the place as a hangout for old people.
She laughed. "I forget you haven't been back to town in so long. We all hang out there."
"Oh. Well, I don't know. I've been driving all day, but I guess I could run over for a little bit. I just need to get some stuff from the car and get ready." Beer sounded like enough motivation to get me moving.
Kelly followed me back through the house, out to my car, and helped me lug in some bags.
"So it's really happening, huh? You're moving back?" She struggled to drag a large duffel up the front steps. I put down my bag inside the door and went out to help her.
"Not permanently, just until I figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life." We moved back into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and freezer even though I knew they'd be empty. Some habits are hard to break.
"Well, take your time then. No need to rush." She smiled.
"I'm not in a rush, there's nowhere to rush to." I leaned against the kitchen counter, not ready to sit again.
Kelly picked at her nails, a nervous habit she'd had for as long as I could remember. "I need to talk to you about something."
I braced myself for bad news, not sure I could handle more. "All right."
"Tom proposed a few weeks ago." She peeked up at me from under a fringe of light brown bangs.
"Wow, congratulations, that's wonderful!" I went through the motions, hugging her and admiring her ring.
"It's good timing that you're here. It will make it easier for you to do your maid of honor duties."
"Maid of honor? Wow."
"Of course. I mean I was going to be yours..." She trailed off. Kelly and Tom were the only people in town who knew about Adam. I'd made her swear not to tell anyone with the exception of Tom. She told her boyfriendâor now fiancéâeverything.
"It's okay. I've accepted it. But if you've been engaged a few weeks, why didn't you call?"
"It's just that we have to do it this summer because it's the only time I can get enough time off." Kelly taught third grade at Bayview Elementary, the same school we went to as kids. "And, um, there was only one date available at the churchâJuly fifteenth."
"Oh. Well, it's not like I have plans that day now." I tried to force a smile, but I'm sure it was less than convincing.
"I'm really sorry. And if it's too much for you, we canâ"
"No, it's a great date. It doesn't upset me." I tried to wrap my head around the idea that Kelly was getting married on the same day I was supposed to. It was as though we'd switched places.
"All right, good. I can't wait to tell Tom. He kept pushing me to call you."
"If you're serious about wanting to go out, I should get in a quick shower and change." I needed to get away from Kelly before I lost it.
"All right, I'll wait down here."
People sometimes say things like "I had no more tears left to cry," but that's a bunch of crap. I'd been crying almost every night for months, and the supply was still working fine. Miraculously, the batteries in the old shower radio functioned, and it helped ensure that Kelly wouldn't suspect a thing. I was supposed to be the strong one, the unbreakable one, and there was no reason to let her see just how far I'd fallen. By the time I shut off the water, I'd composed myself.
I came back downstairs, my wet blond hair pulled into a messy bun. I didn't have time to dry it.
"How are you doing, Molly, for real?" Kelly looked up from her cell phone as I walked back into the kitchen. It didn't look like she had moved.
"I'm fine."
"Stop lying to your best friend. No offense, but you don't look like yourself. When's the last time you ate, or slept for that matter?" The worry was back.
"I ate some food on the road, and I sleep when I can."
"You know there are pills you can take to help with that."
"I don't need sleeping pills. I'm doing fine; it was just a long drive." Evidently, I was going to have to do a better job covering up the evidence of my quasi-insomnia. I realized that the concealer at the bottom of my toiletry bag might have a new life.
"If you say so. I'm here if you need me."
"Thanks. I appreciate the offer, but I don't want you worrying about me. You have a wedding to plan."
I put on some strappy sandals, wondering if my well-worn jeans and fitted black t-shirt would stand out. I figured people wouldn't dress up to hang out at a place like Gill's.
I slid into the passenger seat of Kelly's car. "Are you sure I shouldn't take my own car? I don't know how long I want to stay."
"I'll drive you home whenever you're ready. You've been driving all day. You need a break."
"I can't argue with that."
Gazing out the window, I watched the town, my town. Every block held memories, the only memories I had without Adam. Unfortunately, even those memories hurt.