"Look at you, made up all cute." Kelly laughed as she pulled out of my driveway.
"Shut up, I'm not."
"Is that actually makeup on your face? Wow, little Molly has grown up," Kelly mocked, taking a slow ride over to the bar.
"I had the time." That was partially the truth. I also wanted to add some color to my washed out face. Lack of sleep was really taking a toll on me.
"So this has nothing to do with Ben then?" She was enjoying this way too much.
"Not at all. Don't even start."
"What? He did invite you to the show."
"To be nice." I crossed my arms.
"Nice is saying hello. This wasn't to be nice. The poor boy still hasn't gotten over you."
"Yes he has. You didn't spare me a second of his escapades with the girls around here."
"Okay, he's dated a few girls, but they never went anywhere, and I haven't seen him with anyone in months."
"He's twenty-three, that's normal."
"Sure, but I don't believe for a second the extra effort tonight isn't for him. But if it wasn't, and if instead it was for Gavin, your effort was wasted. They're working tonight."
"It's not for Gavin," I said quickly.
Kelly laughed. "He was talking poor Tom's ear off about you today."
"Come on, we talked last night about stupid, random things."
"He told Tom he thinks you guys really connected, and he can't wait to see where it goes."
I slapped my leg. "He did not."
"Uh huh. And don't kill him, but Tom gave him your number." Kelly looked ready for an onslaught.
"Is he crazy?"
"You know Tom. He's just trying to help. He thinks you need a big, strong man to take care of you."
"As compared to a small, weak one?"
"You have to admit, Gavin is big. He even makes Tom seem tiny. And he's damn hot. I wonder if all of him is as big." Kelly grinned wickedly.
"Stop, stop!"
"Come on. He'd be like your personal Brawny man."
"Excuse me?"
"You know the guy from the paper towel ads from eons ago."
"If you say so. Anyway, didn't we just discuss this last night? And I distinctly remember telling you I wasn't interested."
"Uh huh, and I warned you that Tom was on a mission. But like I said, you're safe tonight."
Just like the previous night, Kelly pulled into a spot out front of Gill's. Wearing a short jean skirt and a gray tank that had an almost sparkly quality to it and didn't completely hide the fact that I had a chest, I kind of understood what Kelly was getting at. Still, it's not like I was wearing a dress.
"We're right on time. They should be on real soon." Kelly opened the door and we walked inside. We grabbed a few beers before pushing past the bar.
The Grizzlies must really bring in a crowd, I thought, because the place was twice as packed as the night before. Kelly led us over to a table off to the side. It was close enough we'd get a good view, but not enough to immediately bring us to the band's attention.
Just as I started to relax, we were interrupted. "So, I'm supposed to apologize to you." Jake's body language suggested he wanted to do anything but apologize.
"Don't bother. You said what you wanted to say."
He slumped down in a chair. "Are you really not going to argue with me?"
"You sound disappointed," Kelly said.
"Geez, if you can't fight with me, what good are you?"
"I guess I'm useless then, sorry." I shrugged, drinking from my beer. I didn't have the energy to deal with Jake. I was nervous enough about watching Ben.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Jake, if you don't get away from this table in the next five seconds, you're going to be sorry." Kelly sounded surprisingly menacing.
"Molly Sander letting other people fight her battles... And I thought I'd seen everything." Jake pushed back his chair and sauntered away.
"So, imagine what would happen if Jake decided to funnel some of that anger toward other, more interesting pursuits."
"Interesting pursuits?" I laughed.
"Seriously. I think he gets off when you fight with him, and you aren't playing along anymore."
"Ughh, you seriously have the dirtiest mind. How does Tom live with you?"
"He lives with me just fine. He likes what I come up with using my dirty mind."
I put my head in my hands. "Please, no more details."
"No more details about what?"
I glanced up. Ronny and a few of his friends joined us. "I didn't expect to see you here again so soon."
"You know me, always at the bar."
"My, you've grown up Molly. It's weird to see you at a bar, drinking," one of the guys who I recognized as Shayna's friend Matt said.
"Yeah, I'm growing up."
"Where's Nancy tonight?" Kelly asked Matt.
"Home with the kids."
"Nice wife."
"Haha. She gets her girls' nights out. I play fair."
The conversation died out as the Grizzlies took the stage.
The intro to the first song was instrumental. Ben sat at the piano. He played guitar half the time, but I loved his piano playing best. I was the one who convinced him to integrate piano into the band in the first place. I was happy to see they'd stuck with it. I didn't recognize the song, but it didn't surprise me. I doubted they were playing the same stuff after all this time.
Just as I was settling into the light melody, Ben started to sing. His voice made me shiver, just like it always did. Something about his voice got to me. Maybe it was the almost gravelly quality to it, but Ben's voice touched me in a way no one else's voice ever did.
I tried to concentrate on the lyrics, something about a forgotten bicycle on a rainy day. Ben sometimes liked to tap into childhood memories in his song writing. This time I could almost believe I listened to a young boy lament leaving his bike in the rain.
Ronny got us another round of beers, and I tried to avoid looking at Ben. Familiar longing moved through me. We may have been apart for five years, but three years of history is hard to erase.
I snuck a glance at him and noticed him staring at me.
Kelly leaned over to whisper in my ear. "It looks like your outfit worked."
I smacked her arm. "Shut up."
I started to laugh, and Ben's lips twisted into a smile. If he was embarrassed to be caught staring, he didn't show it. Of course, he was also playing a gig.
The set went quickly, and I tried to prepare myself if Ben actually did want to hang out afterward.
"All right, one more song. Any requests?" Ben asked the crowd.
"Play 'Six Feet Under,'" someone yelled, getting the crowd cheering.
"Uh oh," Kelly said quietly.
"Why uh oh?"
"It's about you."
"He wrote a song called 'Six Feet Under' about me? Is it as bad as the name implies?"
"Yeah. Really bad." Kelly looked down at the table.
"Great, this is exactly what I need. Why the hell did he bother with the invitation if he was going to torture me?"
"I'd say he didn't expect to play it, but it's one of their hits. I was going to warn you, but I hoped-"
The music started, interrupting Kelly.
Fifteen and you said you'd love me forever,
Sixteen and you gave yourself to me,
Seventeen and you put me in a grave six feet under.
Whatever happened to forever meaning living and breathing-
No, you had to bring me to my knees.
My chest got tight again. Images from my dreams combined with guilt over ending things with Ben so badly. I finished my beer, eagerly grabbing Kelly's half-finished one and drinking it as well, hoping to make the pain stop.
I hope you like the world out there,
I hope you like the way he feels,
Maybe one day you'll remember that you promised forever just to me.
Days became months became years and still no forever, not even a someday-
I just sit here where you put me six feet under, wondering why you punished me.
Then I did the stupidest thing ever; I looked up and met his eyes, saw the pain there, the intense way he looked at me.
Someday I'll stop waiting,
I'll stop expecting to be saved,
I'll accept that you meant to put me here and prefer the way he tastes.
Maybe then I'll have reached the end.
But until then I'll sit here where you put me in a grave six feet under, hoping one day you'll return to rescue me.
I closed my eyes, and all I could see was Adam's pale and lifeless face. I snapped. Getting up, I grabbed my purse and headed to the door.
"Molly, wait up." Kelly tried to keep up with me.
Outside, I stopped to look at her. "I can't do this. I'm sorry."
"Okay, let me go back in and get my keys. I'll take you home."
"No, thanks, I'll walk."
"It's over a mile, and it's dark."
"I don't care. Sorry." I took off, not bothering to look behind me.
I couldn't run fast, not in sandals with heels, but I walked as quickly as I could, knowing exactly where I was going. Once I reached the front steps, I slipped my shoes off as I moved through the front hall. I grabbed a towel from the mud room on my way out the back door.
I pulled off my tank as soon as I hit the dock. I hadn't unpacked my swimsuits yet, and I wasn't about to let that stop me. I stripped off my skirt, standing alone on the faded wood dock. Dad was the only one who ever took care things like that, and he'd been gone five years. Wearing only a grey bra and panties, I looked down at the black water and hesitated for a second before diving in.
Cool water greeted me. It was too early in the season for the water temperature to have risen yet. I sunk further down-away from two boys, one who left me and one who I left. I came up for air, the saltiness of my tears blending in with the water.
I floated, letting the slight current move me. Part of me hoped it would take me so far out I'd never find my way back again. The lights from the dock lit the night, but with my eyes closed, I could pretend the world had gone dark.
I'm not sure how long I floated when a voice broke me out of my reverie.
"A little late for a swim, isn't it?"
I opened my eyes and looked up at the dock to see Ben sitting with his legs hanging over the edge. "A little late for a visit, isn't it?" I shot back, not ready to face him.
"Well, if you recall, we were supposed to be catching up tonight. You left before that could happen."
"I wonder why I did that?" I swam reluctantly over to the dock.
"You ready to come out yet?"
"Not with you watching."
"Like I haven't seen you wet and naked before." He smirked.
"I'm not naked."
"See, so really there's no reason to worry about it."
"Turn around," I ordered.
"Fine, if you insist." He laughed as he turned to look up at the house.
Not sure how much time he'd give me, I climbed up the ladder, grabbing my towel and quickly wrapping it around me without drying off first. I sat down where Ben had just been sitting, squeezing some water from my hair.
"It's safe to turn around."
"I'm not sure safe is the best word." He sat down right next to me so that our arms and legs nearly touched.
I didn't think that deserved a response. "How'd you know where to find me?"
"You used to always come out here for a swim when you were upset." He paused, grinning. "Usually it was because you were mad at me for something stupid."
"I always had a good reason to be mad."
"Yeah right. You gave me the silent treatment for a week when I skipped out on the art department fundraiser."
"Exactly, you deserved it. I spent months organizing that, and then you bailed."
"And what was I supposed to do to help? Face painting kids wasn't really my thing."
"It wouldn't have mattered whether you sat in the corner the whole time. It was about you not being there." I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. They were only going to remind us both of the night that changed everything for us.
"Yeah, well eighteen-year-old guys don't always get that." He looked at me intently, as if seeking the understanding and forgiveness I never gave him at seventeen.
I forced a laugh, pretending I didn't realize what he was actually saying. "But really, am I that predictable?"
"You were, and I took a lucky guess that some things never change."
"Some things do though."
"Maybe only the things that need to change."
"That's deep, Ben."
He cracked a smile. "I'm sorry about tonight."
"No, you're not. You knew that would happen when you offered to take requests. Kelly says it's one of your biggest hits."
"That doesn't mean I'm not sorry. I admit I wanted you to hear it, but then, seeing the look on your face and the way you ran out like the place was on fire, I realized it probably wasn't the best idea."
"Well, if your goal was to hurt me, you succeeded."
I started to stand up when Ben wrapped his hand around my wrist. "Wait, come on, let me finish."
"Oh so there's more to the story than you trying to hurt me?"
"I didn't want to hurt you. I just wanted you to know how I felt. But I've had a change of heart."
"What brought on this change of heart?"
"Other than the thought of you dripping wet in your underwear?" He smiled sheepishly.
"I assume, since you came out here to begin with, you had the change of heart beforehand."
"All right, you got me there. It was just the look on your face. I know a lot of time has passed, but damn it, I still care about you, whether I like it or not."
"I did you a favor, you know," I whispered. He still hadn't released my wrist, and I wasn't fighting.
"A favor? This I've got to hear."
"I saved you from being with me. You're lucky."
He chortled. "In what universe does losing you make me lucky?"
"I'm poison, Ben. Poison."
"Are you high? Because if you're not, then you're seriously scaring me."
"I should scare you."
His grip on my wrist tightened. "The only thing that scares me is watching you leave in a few weeks just to find some other douche to marry."
"Adam wasn't a douche, and why does that matter?"
"Wasn't? How bad was this breakup that you're talking in the past tense?"
"The horrible, final kind," I said icily.
"I see. Well, I hope you didn't talk about me in the past tense."
"No, not with you."
He smiled slightly. "Well, that's something."
"Why does it even matter?"
"Oh no. You still need to tell me what all this poison bullshit is." He examined my wrist, belatedly checking it to make sure he hadn't hurt me.
"I'm just making you realize that there are worse things than having me leave."
"I haven't experienced any yet."
"Just stop. You wanted to make me feel guilty, and you were successful." I pulled my hand away from him and stood up. Before I could take two steps, he was on his feet.
"I don't want you to feel guilty!" he yelled.
"Then what do you want?"
He tugged at his hair. "Why the hell not?" I heard him mutter before he pulled me toward him, wrapping his arms around me tightly until I was flush against him. With a hand under my chin, he made me look up at him. "I want you, Molly, can't you see that?"
He didn't wait for an answer. The crush of his lips against mine made it impossible for any verbal response. My body kicked into autopilot, responding to him. He slightly loosened his hold on me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. In the process, my towel dropped, but I was too into the kiss to do anything about it. He demanded access, and I opened up to him, allowing him to deepen the kiss. As his hand started to slip under the wet fabric of my bra, my brain returned from its haze.
"Stop." I pulled my lips from his, pushing my hands against his chest.
He didn't acknowledge it at first, but eventually he must have realized I was no longer into the kiss. He stepped back, just staring at me. His eyes revealed a hunger that scared me with its intensity. I wasn't ready for anything like it. I retrieved my towel, tying it securely around me.
"You've got to get out of here."
"Why?" His hands already reached defiantly toward me.
I took a step back. "Because we just came way too close to doing something we'd both regret."
"Regret? Why the hell would we regret it? We want each other; we're both single, what's the problem?"
"It's-"
"Wait. Don't even try with the poison excuse again."
"Let's not go down this path. I don't want to hurt you."
"Then don't hurt me."
"Ben."
"Then what do you suggest?" He rocked back on his heels.
"We stay away from each other?"
"Uh huh, because that will be easy."
"We can try." I shrugged.
"You do that." He winked. "See you around."
"I don't plan on it." I tried to hide the smile that crept onto my face before turning away from him.
"Sweet dreams."
"I'd say the same to you, but I don't want you to take it too literally."
He laughed, and I realized just how much I'd missed the deep sound. "Don't worry; I'll have those dreams anyhow."
Picking up my pile of clothes, I headed up to the back porch. Turning around, I saw Ben standing in the same spot, watching me.