After kicking Ben out around one a.m., I got three hours of fitful sleep in before waking up screaming in a cold sweat. The nightmares were worse and seemed endless.
The dreams usually followed such a set pattern, but that night they almost felt like a movie stuck on replay. Just as I was ready to hit the water, I'd be back where I started. Then to make matters worse, images of my dad entered the fray. I'd never had dreams featuring both of them before.
Leaving Boston might have been a way to avoid memories of Adam, but I couldn't stay in my childhood home without thinking about my dad. I idly wondered if I was being punished for actually enjoying myself. With relief, I pulled myself out of bed and got dressed.
Heading out for another run, I decided to take a different route. I wasn't about to take the chance of running into Mr. Mathews again considering his son had just left my bedroom a few hours before. I headed up a few blocks, running along the beach, but in the opposite direction. The downside was that I was running into the wind when it was earlier and cooler out. At least I hoped that, when I was exhausted on the way back, it would be easier.
I saw a figure a little way ahead of me and contemplated hanging back so I wouldn't come up on him. I changed my mind when he stopped. I would just have to pick up the pace and pass him. It was definitely a himâbroad shoulders and extremely tall. I realized exactly who it was as I got close. He was still retying a shoe lace when I ran past. I hoped I would go unnoticed.
"Molly?" My first thought was whether I could pretend not to hear him, but the wind wasn't that loud. Reluctantly I slowed down and stopped, turning to face him as he jogged to catch up with me.
"Hi, Gavin."
"Hey. I never see anyone on my runs; nice to know I'm not the only one crazy enough to get up at the crack of dawn for exercise." Gavin seemed to be in his natural element, and I doubted he really considered himself crazy.
I kept the fact that I hadn't actually chosen to get up to myself. "I usually take another route."
"Oh, okay. Do mind if I join you?"
"Sure, why not?"
"Great." He started moving again, and I matched his pace. I assumed he was going slower for me, so I gradually sped up. He followed.
My body was exhausted from lack of sleep, but it felt nice to stretch my muscles. Trying to show up Gavin forced me to push myself a little harder than usual, which was probably a good thing. I didn't mind his company too much, although I was definitely aware of him looking over at me several times.
"This is me," he said about two miles further up the coast.
"Oh, well, nice seeing you." I stopped. It was as good a time as any to turn around and start back. I was supposed to be at work at six forty-five, so I had plenty of time, but I didn't know how far I could push myself.
He wiped sweat off his forehead and shook out some of the moisture from his shirt. "So have you thought about dinner?"
And I thought I'd escaped it. "Sure, but only as friends, it's not a date." I'm not sure why I said yes; maybe because I couldn't think of a rational reason not to. Besides, if I didn't get out with other people, I'd probably spend all my nights hooking up with Ben, and that wouldn't be smart.
He grinned. "Great. Thursday night at six-thirty?"
I got a little suspicious at how detailed he was. "You didn't already make reservations somewhere, did you?"
His smile grew even bigger. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You're impossible."
"Have a great day. I'll see you soon!" He waved, sprinting toward the road.
"Bye," I called after him before heading home thinking that I should have run my usual route.
***
"You want me to what?" I asked Kelly as we sat at the same table at Marney's Ben had occupied a few days earlier. I absently ran my fingers over the scratches in the black veneer of the tabletop. Someone had gone through a lot of effort to carve in their initials, J.H., especially in such a visible spot.
"Take some engagement shots. Nothing too fancy, but maybe you can make them artistic. We don't want cookie cutter."
"You do realize I'm not a professional photographer, right?"
"Uh huh," Kelly said innocently. She had entirely too much time on her hands now that school was out for the summer. "But we're on a tight budget with the wedding and everything, so I thought... I mean, we can pay you if you want."
"You don't have to pay me. I just can't promise you're going to love what I come up with."
"Of course I will. So maybe Saturday? Want to do the beach?"
The more I thought about it, the more fun it started to sound. "I was actually thinking the marina. But we can do the beach if you prefer."
"No, the marina sounds great. Or wait, I have an even better idea."
"Let's hear it," I said, not sure what to expect.
"Let's go out on a boat. You know, get open water shots."
"Like on Tom's speedboat?"
"No, I was thinking more like one of the Mathews's. They have that gorgeous one they use for events. If we had more money, we'd totally have rented it out for the wedding. But maybe they wouldn't charge us to just use it for an hour."
"Well, you'll have to ask Mr. Mathews then."
"Can't you ask Ben?"
"Kelly." I couldn't believe she was putting me on the spot like this.
"I mean, you've talked to him since Gill's, right? I figure you wouldn't be in such a good mood otherwise."
I looked away, not willing to meet her eyes. "Maybe."
"Molly Marie Sander, what aren't you telling me?"
"Could you keep it down?" The last thing I needed was for Gail to come out and hear this. She'd never let me live it down.
"Spill it," Kelly demanded.
"Hey, weren't you the one trying to hook me up with Gavin?"
"Oh come on, you know I was only sucking up to Tom."
"What about the whole 'give it a chance' speech?" I asked, still looking for a way out of having to admit everything to her. I still wasn't sure how I felt about what happenedâlet alone having to share it.
"Gavin shmavin, he's not the one you're holding out on me about."
"Okay fine, I've seen him twice."
"Twice?" Kelly yelped, almost falling out of her seat.
"Once that night after I left the bar, and then again last night."
"So what did these visits consist of?"
"None of your business." I messed with the tabletop again, giving myself an excuse to look down.
"I'm your best friend. It's all my business. I never held back on you about Tom and me."
"I wish you would."
"Very funny."
"Fine. The first night we kissed." I decided to leave out the part about me being in my underwear.
"And last night?" I could tell the suspense was killing her.
"Last night he was waiting for me when I got home, and well, it didn't stop with a kiss."
Kelly squealed, jumping out of her chair to get to me across the table. "How much more than a kiss?"
"A lot more." I so didn't want to be discussing this, especially not at Marney's.
"You slept with him?" Kelly yelled. "Wow. So are you guys back together again?"
I looked around the empty café, hoping Gail hadn't heard Kelly's outburst. "No. Absolutely not."
"So it was just one time?"
"Not necessarily."
"Then what?"I sensed some disapproval in her voice, but chose to ignore it.
"We're, uh, going to try to do a causal sex only thing."Man, it sounded worse when I said it out loud.
She shook her head. "No way. No freaking way. There is no way that you and Ben can do that. Not possible."
"Well, it's all I'm okay with."
"You can't do the hook up only thing with an ex. It's not going to work."
"Based on what experience..."
"Books, movies, common sense." She looked at me like it was the most obvious conclusion in the world.
"She's right, you know." Gail pulled up a chair and sat with us. "History can complicate things."
"Please. No." I covered my ears. I didn't need to get a lecture on the pitfalls of casual sex from someone my grandmother's age.
Gail continued. "Let's go easy on her; I have a feeling she'll figure this one out on her own."
"Fine, fine. But even if you're just messing around, you could at least ask him about the boat, right?" She fidgeted in her chair.
"I don't want to have to ask him favors. I hate owing people."
"Hun, you are doing him all kinds of favors, so you're not going to owe him anything. I think it's the least he can do."
"You do realize I'm using him as much as he's using me, right? This was my idea, not his."
"The sex?" Gail asked.
"No. The keeping it casual. It was the only way I'd agree to let it happen again."
"So you'll ask him?" Kelly repeated, playing with the cardboard sleeve on her to-go coffee cup. "It would mean a lot to us."
"Fine, I'll ask, but I'm not making any promises." I was pretty ticked at Kelly for even asking. She wasn't usually the pushy type. It must have been wedding nerves kicking in.
"All right, ladies, it's time for Molly and me to get back to work."
"Okay, okay. I'll leave. By the way, have fun tomorrow night."
"What?"
"Have fun with Gavin." Kelly winked at me.
"It's your fault, you know."
"No, it's Tom's."
"But you're a couple, so by virtue of that status, it's also yours."
Kelly laughed. "I wonder what Ben will think when he finds out. Oh wait, why would he care? You're just hooking up."
"You are such a comedian."
"I know." She grabbed her purse and laughed on her way out the door.
I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath.
"For a girl who said she wasn't interested in getting back out there, you're sure having some fun." Gail tossed a dish towel at me.
"And I thought coming home would be the solution to my problems," I mumbled before going back to work.