Chapter 19: Forbidden: Part Two – Chapter 19

I stared blankly at my office wall, cursing myself for hiding in here like a fucking coward instead of following my omega to bed and telling her all the filthy things I planned to do to her.

I had woken up this morning, determined to have a good day. I was going to give Josie all the care she deserved and that I was desperate to give. I’d grinned as I prepared to wake her up, fully expecting her adorably grumpy reaction. But instead of spending hours between her legs to make up for the early wake-up time, I’d disappointed her by closing myself away in this fucking room.

I put my head down on my desk with a groan. I needed to pull myself together. The emotions I usually kept so carefully buttoned up were spilling from me. Josie deserved better than a complete bloody mess for a mate. Why couldn’t I shake this fear gripping my body? I’d always prided myself on being steady… or at least having the appearance of calmness, but now I was falling apart.

I thought teaching Josie how to shoot would help ease some of my constant terror about her safety, but it had just made it worse. Seeing her hold the gun only confirmed that I never wanted her to have to defend herself. I should be the one to do that, and so far, I had been a miserable failure. She had been so uncomfortable while shooting, but she’d kept at it, doing her best to make me happy. That fucking crushed me, too—I didn’t want her to ever pretend around me. I just… I wasn’t sure how to function loving someone so much and knowing they could be taken from me any moment.

The dark voice in my head that I spent so much energy trying to suppress whispered: No one’s even noticed you’re missing. She doesn’t really need you.

As if summoned by some cosmic entity with a wicked sense of humor, there was a knock on my office door. The sound was soft and hesitant, and I knew immediately who it was. My palms started to sweat.

“Come in,” I finally choked out.

Nothing happened. Did she already give up on me?

The door slowly creaked open.

“Did you say come in?” Josie asked, peeking into my office nervously, biting her lip. “I couldn’t hear.”

Fuck, she was gorgeous. Her tousled hair framed her face and her green eyes practically glowed. Her sweet scent found its way to me and I breathed it in. It felt like the first real breath I’d taken all day.

“Yeah, of course. You don’t have to ask, love,” I said, my voice hoarse.

I hated how hesitant Josie looked as she shut the door behind her and leaned back against it. It felt like a chasm was separating us instead of ten feet. I should get up, go to her, sweep her into my arms like some scene in a romance book. But I sat frozen.

“What are you doing in here?” Her voice was even, but her scent was stressed.

“I had some Alliance things to check on,” I responded. My excuse felt hollow the moment I spoke it, especially as I stared down at the blank document open on my laptop in front of me. I couldn’t make myself look at her. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from falling to my knees and asking her forgiveness.

“Oh,” she said, biting her lip. “Have there been any breakthroughs with finding the omegas?”

“No, not yet.” I cringed, fighting the urge to bang my head against my desk.

“Oh,” she repeated.

I stole a glance, unable to keep my eyes from her for long. She looked around the room with a bit of a lost expression. Then she took a deep breath, fisted her hands, and looked right at me.

“I know you’re disappointed by how things went this morning. If you want me to go to the gun range again, I will.” Then her voice softened, and she bit her lip. “I just want to please you.”

I inhaled sharply. “Angel, you please me all the time.”

“Clearly not,” she said. “You’re hiding away here. Did you think that wouldn’t upset me?”

My chest was so tight I thought it would explode. I picked up the pen on my desk, clicking it furiously without realizing it.

“I…” Bloody hell. I couldn’t even form a complete sentence. The click of the pen echoed my too-fast heartbeats, every click chanting fix this fix this.

“You’ve been so distant ever since the DC. Which makes me think you no longer want me after what happened.”

I met Josie’s blazing gaze, my mouth open. “What?” I gasped. “You think I don’t want you anymore?”

“You’re not acting like you do,” she said. Her voice was still fierce, but I could see the vulnerability behind her eyes.

“I think you’d be happier if I wasn’t around,” I blurted out.

“Why would you think that?” she asked, bewildered.

“I thought it was obvious,” I bit out, all the anger I felt towards myself seeping into my tone. “I didn’t protect you. I thought studying the omega manual would be enough to keep you safe and keep our pack together. I was the idiot who thought they would follow their own fucking procedure. I should have listened more to your concerns. I should have stopped it from happening.” My voice grew louder, but when I finally looked at Josie, her expression was calm.

“How would you have stopped it?” she asked, tilting her head.

Frustration welled up inside me. How did she not see this was all my fault?

“I don’t know, but I should have done more.”

“How? What would you have done?”

“I don’t know!”

She flinched at my raised voice and that fucking broke my heart. I didn’t deserve her. I wrapped my fingers in my hair, pulling at the messy strands.

“If I can’t protect you, can’t protect this pack, what’s the use of me being here?” I said, forcing myself to continue, to get it all out. “Cam can protect you physically. Ben is the fun one and can make you laugh. I’m the one who’s not necessary.”

“What are you talking about? Have I made you feel that way?” Josie asked, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

“No, it’s just the truth. My whole fucking life, I’ve been non-essential. My job is to protect everyone and keep this pack together, and I can’t even do that.” I whirled toward the opposite wall as shame crawled into my chest. I couldn’t face my mate. Couldn’t bear her tear-filled gaze.

Silence hung heavy between us, and I let my thoughts spin backward to all the moments, days before, when I could have done more… something… anything to keep Josie out of the DC’s hands.

“I thought the moments we shared were important to you,” she said softly.

Nothing could have prepared me for that. I whirled around, facing my mate.

“Of course, they fucking were. Every memory with you is the highlight of my life,” I said, my voice hoarse with emotion.

“Apparently not, because you think you can just hide away here and I won’t notice or care. You think I don’t want you around. That means either I’ve done a bad job of communicating with you and telling you how I feel, or our time together really hasn’t meant that much to you.” Josie’s voice was getting louder now, a fierceness blazing in her eyes.

“It’s meant everything, everything! I thought my life was nothing. Our pack was falling apart before you. You’re the center of our fucking universe. You bring out the best in all of us. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not a good enough alpha for you!”

Josie pushed herself off the door and walked towards me. She was practically vibrating with emotion and I knew it was coming—her rejection. She would finally realize what I was saying was true.

Then she brought her hands to my chest and pushed me back into my office chair. My legs gave way under me.

“What will it take for you to hear me?” she asked, her voice tinged with… anger?

I looked down, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. “You deserve someone better. This pack deserves someone better.”

Josie let out a huff of frustration. “You are necessary here, Theo. All of us look to you for guidance. When I woke up in the hospital after collapsing, I felt safe for the first time in years because your scent was on my hoodie. I wouldn’t let them take it away from me. I spent days curled up in your scent because it was the only thing that calmed me. I’ve trusted you with my secrets, my love, my body, everything. You’re the one who’s holding back!”

My mouth opened in confusion, my mind blank. She was breathing heavily, nails digging into her hands. I automatically reached for them, unfurling her fists and rubbing her palms.

“It hurts me when you hold back,” she said softly. “I love you, Theo. I want to bond you, and you said you want to bond me, but it doesn’t feel like you want me. Did it even cross your mind that hiding away in here feels like punishment for me?”

“Oh, love.” I hung my head, keeping hold of her hands, but she tugged them out of my grip and retreated a few steps.

No, I couldn’t let her pull away now. Couldn’t let her think that any of this was her fault.

I stood and took a few steps towards her. Josie backed up, but I kept going until she was against the wall and I was right in front of her, our bodies separated by a hair’s breadth.

“I could never, ever stop wanting you,” I said fiercely. “I didn’t realize you felt like I was punishing you.” My voice wavered. “I’m sorry, so sorry.” My voice broke and a sob escaped my chest. Immediately, Josie’s arms were around me, squeezing her soft body against mine. Another sob shuddered through me as I wrapped my arms around her, pressing my face into her hair.

“It’s okay,” she said softly, running her hands up and down my back. “You can feel. Let it out. I’m right here.”

God, I should be the one comforting her, but her comfort felt so good. When was the last time I’d allowed myself to be taken care of?

I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but my tears slowly stopped. I was a red-faced mess, but Josie just held me.

I silently tugged her over to the desk and she followed. I mopped up my face with tissues before pulling her onto my lap. She didn’t pressure me to talk, just curled up in my lap as I gathered my thoughts.

“I was afraid you would reject me, so I pulled away to protect myself. I acted out of my insecurity and thought I was punishing myself, but it was unfair to you.” My throat tightened.

Josie squeezed my hands. “You should have told me what you were feeling.”

I nodded. “I didn’t want to put more on you. You’ve gone through enough.” I couldn’t stop more tears from spilling over. Josie’s hand caressed my face, and I leaned into her touch.

“You know how much I love you? More than my life,” I said, gripping her hips tightly.

“I want you to talk to me. I can handle it,” she murmured. “I know I was really out of it after what happened. But I’m not in that dark place anymore, and so much of that has to do with you. I don’t want this relationship to be one-sided.”

One-sided? How could she say that? I cupped her face with both hands. “You have given me so much. This has never been one-sided. I just wish I didn’t have so much baggage to bring into this relationship.”

A smile tugged at her lips. “Theo, we need the world’s biggest moving truck to haul the baggage all four of us bring into this relationship.”

I snorted. “I guess you have a point.”

“I usually do,” she said with a smile.

I leaned in for a kiss, the softness of her lips against mine feeling like a miracle.

Josie pulled back, a question in her eyes. “You said you’ve felt non-essential?” she asked, her voice unsure.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “I guess mostly from my parents,” I mumbled.

When I didn’t say anything else, she gave me a tight smile. “You don’t have to talk about it.”

I realized I was doing it again—trying to conceal my feelings. I focused on Josie’s sweet scent as I tried to find the right words. I took a deep breath. “No, I do. I want you to know. It’s just hard to talk about.” I kept going before I lost my nerve.

“My parents started out… I don’t know, normal? I had a normal life in London growing up until they started getting more wrapped up in Designation Traditionalist values. There was a radio show they listened to, and then they started hanging out with more people who shared those values. By the time we moved to North Woods, they were all in. My older sisters had already bonded their packs and stayed in England, but they moved me and my younger brothers here. Having alpha sons advances your status for some bullshit reason, and they were always pushing me to fit their image of a proper alpha—to win fights, fuck often, and be an aggressive asshole like my fathers.

“They treated me like I had to earn their love, and I was never enough. Once my brothers revealed as alphas, they dropped me. It was like I was a ghost in my own home. I never lived up to their expectations, making me useless to them.”

“Oh, Theo.” My mate’s hold tightened on me. “You don’t have to earn anything with me. Just be here.”

I nodded, trying to let her words sink deep inside me, surrounding and healing the wound I’d carried since childhood. I cupped the back of her neck and pulled her close until our foreheads touched.

“I guess talking about our feelings makes things better,” she said dryly.

“Imagine that,” I responded. “Fucking horrible.”

“Total trash,” she agreed. But she had a broad smile on her face and her scent was bright. The terrified knot in my chest eased, soothed by her presence and words.

“So, have you actually been doing any work in here the past few days or just staring at the wall?” she asked with scary accuracy. Before I could answer, her eyes caught on the stack of books I had hidden behind my desk. “Or reading,” she said.

Shit. No one was meant to see those.

I tensed, bracing for her reaction.

She was quiet for a few long moments.

“You’ve expanded your collection,” she said.

She tilted her head to see the titles better. “The Nightmare Inside: Healing from Interpersonal Violence. When Trauma Strikes: An Alpha’s Guide to Emotional Healing.” Then she paused, and when she spoke again, it sounded like she was holding back laughter. “And the best of them all… Seven Secrets to Sexually Satisfying your Omega.”

She turned to me with a raised eyebrow. I choked, lunging to try and hide the book I hadn’t realized was in the stack with the others, but she just laughed and clung to my body.

“That’s not mine,” I blurted out. My cheeks felt like they were on fire.

“Oh? Did a rogue librarian sneak it into your pile?”

I just groaned, pressing my face into the crook of her neck. “I thought I’d hidden that far, far away.”

“Why?” she asked with a giggle, pressing small kisses to the side of my face.

“Because it’s fucking embarrassing,” I mumbled.

“Embarrassing to want to please your omega? Because I think the way you make me scream with pleasure is the opposite of embarrassing,” she said, her voice sultry as her lips brushed my ear.

I groaned. Now I was rock hard underneath her. She wiggled, brushing her ass against my erection in a move that had me tightening my grip on her waist with a growl.

“I think I need to see what’s in this book,” she said, leaning over to snag it from the floor before I could stop her. I tried to get it first, but she was already cracking it open and I didn’t have the heart to tear it out of her hands.

The book fell straight to a dog-eared chapter titled “The Power of the Tongue.” A chapter with a shit-ton of my own highlights and notes on it.

“This looks promising,” she said with a grin as she started reading. “We surveyed over one hundred omegas in the writing of this book, and one thing became clear: while the powers of the cock and knot are regularly extolled, we should not forget the mighty power of the tongue.”

“Now would be a really convenient time for an anvil to fall from the sky and crush me,” I muttered. Josie ignored me, continuing to read out loud.

“When mastered to the fullest, the art of cunnilingus can be a transcendent experience for all involved. As my grandfather used to tell me, ‘When in doubt, lick don’t dick.’” She snorted. “His grandfather used to say? Gross.”

“Came in handy,” I muttered, grabbing the book and throwing it across the room.

Josie giggled and turned her gaze back to mine. She was smiling, and her eyes were glazed with arousal. She licked her lips, pressing her ass more firmly against my cock.

I ran my thumb along her bottom lip, which was begging to be kissed.

“I’m not sure how accurate this book is,” she said breathily. “I might need a demonstration to be sure.”