'It was always you'
.
A devil with a splendid soul
She couldn't fathom the relation and just as her mind had taken up the task to process the information, he fell into his arms. His frame of 6'3 and his weight perforated her arms.
"Alcohol beat you to it. Mr. Chaudhry. I am afraid that you're at my mercy now. Kind of," She muttered and laid him down on the warm bed. Dragging and positing the man was beyond her capabilities.
She laid there his head in her arms, and his lashes shadowing his cheekbones. She reached over to his face. His masculine hands. Rough and protective thinking of the horrors they had done and the wonders it could do. His obsidian hair in the dimly lit room and his notorious locks on his forehead spread so carefully.
She ran a hand through his hair. Maybe it would be the only chance she had away from reality to do it. The last once perhaps.
"Good night," She whispered in his ear. As if he'd hear it. He wouldn't. She'd tell him how bothered she felt about his ignorance. She hated it and she was ready to admit it. Admittance cost her Maaz being near later women. But whatever its cost. She'd at least tell him to end her suffering than whether he'd hate her or hate her. There was one way around it that's what she was told over and over again. Maaz isn't going to love you Ayat. She had been told that ample amount of time, but even if he'd establish that he'd hate her for the rest of his life for whatever reasons she'd make peace with it because there is nothing worse than confusion.
She recalled to the first time she saw him, it wasn't just fear, endurance and threat she felt. She felt one more thing, more prominent than all others. She felt drunk. Overwhelmed and today he smelled like that day. Like leather and male musk. It suddenly felt like a farewell. She would say good bye to her feelings today. It took her a moment to finally leave him be. She dragged her feet towards the door and knocked fast, she heard a precise shuffle meaning someone came on the other side.
"Open the door. Your friend's asleep like a baby and I am exhausted and would like to go home. Thank you," She said. Didn't know why she addressed like that. Maybe it was her tiredness speaking. The door opened and Danial peeked in.
"He could have alcohol poisoning if he had another glass," She informed alerting the man.
"He's used to it. Bhabhi," Danial answered dragging Maaz over on the bed and putting a pillow under his head and with the subtlety and causality Danial was doing it. She knew he was telling the truth, that he had done it ample amount of times. Same thing over and over, she established to all his infamous flaws Maaz was alcoholic as well.
"No one is used to poison. Don't let him drink coffee the first thing in the morning, it'll worsen him," Ayat said and then headed for the door. No music could be heard. Desertion initiated outside, seemed like the party was over after all. At last.
Danial nodded. Ayat turned back. "And, don't call me that,"
"What? Bhabhi?" Daniel's goofiness was back.
"Yes. Your brother hates me,"
Danial attentively listened to her as she spoke. She continued speaking again without any barriers this time like you'd usually do when trying to put out less information or hide something.
"You know he wasn't like this, he was a nice person but then I messed up. I messed up and accused him of something because I was the one who couldn't deal with him, because I was afraid. He's a job to keep and I sucked at it,"
.
She didn't feel like avoiding him. The hustle was normal in the hospital. As busy as it usually was. Patients and attendants swarming in the hallways. A normal day for her except nothing was normal about this day. Except that instead of hiding away in her shell she'd face her demons. She'd be blunt, she'd be blunt yet the outcome she expected didn't liberate her. It still suffocated her; maybe it was like that, like it was meant to be like this. He'd hate her and she'd suffocate.
The morning sun was shining overhead and peeking through the blinds of the ward where she'd been standing idly for a few minutes thinking and thinking into an endless loop of nothing but despair. She felt her breath stop when she saw him enter the ward. He went for the senior doctor. He didn't acknowledge her. Not yet. He was in a perfect grey suit fitting him like it was meant to tear away souls. Like this was the man the world expected him to be. Broody and confident. The roughness and hoarseness for the underworld. The mafia business. His eyes for his humanity. For him to live. Humanity makes a person alive. Each of that was a part of him. All the pieces of puzzle joined and that's what made this complex creature of God. All those traits combined and none of them complimented each other. All out of sync but that's who he was. A hot mess.
A cough from the nearby bed disrupted her thought process and she stopped ogling over him.
"Do you feel any tightness in your throat?" She asked. Her eyes fixated on the patient.
"No. But the coughs still there and it pains," The man said and closed his eyes. He was an old one perhaps in his 70's.
"I will tell the medicine to your daughter and you'll eat it later tonight, you can go home till afternoon alright?" She said and the man nodded. She smiled. In all this mess but there was still one thing that lingered in her head. Like a clear and blunt word remained in her head. 'YOU' in her mother's eyes he saw her. What about it? She didn't get to ask it. She couldn't now, she thought she could but she couldn't, she felt intimidated again in his fine presence. It was delight to see him leave the ward. Without acknowledging her of course, but now she could catch a breath.
"I am going out for a second. Lock my office," He mentioned to the peon. A weird thought crossed her mind. Maybe there was something that could clear her confusion without needing to confront him. Maybe in his office. A document. A file. A proof anything to why he said that. Maybe in his laptop.
"Hey. Arif," She addressed the peon who was going to the private floor with the keys jingling in his hand.
"I'll lock the door,"
"But Ma'am I will do it, Sir's orders, and I can't trouble you Ma'am" He insisted. She clicked her tongue. Disagreeing to him.
"I have some work in Mr. Chaudhry's office, actually he wanted me to take the acceptance form of the application I wrote to him and its better I do it myself and on my way out I'll make sure I lock the office," She said. Arif had known this young doctor for a while now and he trusted her. He nodded his head and gave the keys to Ayat. She didn't need to dodge any extra person on the way. With the key clutched tight in her hands. She entered his office and his that place smelled heady, fulfilling and rich like him. His office was crammed with papers and a bottle of liquor tucked away in a corner. She rolled her eyes at that. She fumbled over a few stray papers and files on his desk and then opened his laptop. The password kept her out.
"Dammit," She punched the table thinking of possible key words guessing his conscience. She needed to do it and do it fast. Her little trip made less and less sense as she failed in getting a guess to the password.
She typed something. "Please be predictable for once,"
And before she knew the desktop was in front of her eyes, never thought for the big bad alpha he'd keep 'gummy bears' as a password, before she could fan girl over his good looks on his picture and celebrate her success she found a folder.
'Life'
What was something he referred to as life? Maybe it was his mother. She clicked it but she couldn't watch what was inside. She heard the door knob turning. Her heartbeat accelerated. She slammed the screen shut and found salvation underneath the table muttering curses and prayers all together. What'd she say if he found her? What was she doing there? He wasn't Arif. Oh damn she was so screwed.
She saw him sitting on his seat. Weirdly enough she was facing his...well. Ugh. He sat swinging in his chair. She closed her eyes shut. Danger alert alarming her mind. He sighed in his spot rubbing his temples. It was his hangover hitting him again and it was the smell of coffee she smelt.
"Are you going to stay there all day because I am not going out of this room anytime soon?"
What on earth? What? As if he'd found her. Oh. He had. He knew she was there all along. Not so subtle was she?
He slouched low and peeked at her. She kept her mouth shut and slowly came out of the little spot she thought was safe. Safe and right in front of...
"Now," He said giving her space to get out of there. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"
"I...Uh...I thought..."
"You thought this spot is the best for a little morning nap?" Maaz said. Amusement laced in his tone. All the tiredness evaporated in thin air and he was overcharged with nerve tingling energy. She on the other hand felt her hands starting to shake. Not the best time for her anxiety to kick in. It was her first time being caught 'on the crime scene'. This very moment was nightmarish enough for her. What happened to being blunt? She hated her own guts sometimes.
"Let's cut to the chase, shouldn't we?" Maaz said. He hadn't seen her nervous before. She was always confident or trying to act as if she was. What was it? He eased his expression and his posture. He stood up and confronted her. She undoubtedly was avoiding eye contact. The 'I'll be blunt today plan' had gone down the drain. There was no place she could hide now.
"Why are you here?" He asked sensing a type of graveness he'd never seen her in.
"I wanted answers,"
Maybe the plan hadn't gone totally down the drain. The least of it had stuck to her.
"Answers? To what?"
"To what you said last night, about me,"
He raked his hand through his hair, messing his neatly done hair. The flashback of her raking her hands through his soft curls battered her mind.
"I was drunk. Ayat," He was being defensive. She blinked like she couldn't understand him but then decided to speak.
"You said my eyes were like your mother's what does it mean? What don't I know?"
He felt taken aback. "What you heard needs to be forgotten. I didn't mean it. Forget about it and don't try snooping in my stuff again, and leave,"
"What if I won't leave?"
"What is it? You are trying to be stubborn now? Like you care?" He asked. "I have been dealing with it alone and I will keep doing it with no help from you,"
"I won't leave because I know when you said it I know you were there. Your mind was present, your subconscious was present. What is it that I don't know?" The concern couldn't hide anymore.
"Go," He said.
"Maaz," She trailed longer than intended.
"I am not telling you anything. Just leave damn it!" He shouted. Her heart felt like it'd burst out of agony. He'd never shouted on her. Never before. He did hate her maybe. He was drunk and that was the only state he'd be soft to her again. She felt her throat constrict as she ran out of his office weak in her knees.
She indulged herself back in work until it was time to go back home. The night sky had enveloped the sky. Thick clouds gathered above. Bleached clouds overhead ready to burst. Her skin felt dehydrated. Her throat still holding the ball of cry in. She was good at it. In fact she had mastered the art of lying to faces and pretending she was fine. Awesome.
She ringed her brothers several times but nothing. She wanted to go back home and cry. Cry because this was the first time he'd told her to leave him and she was afraid it wasn't just about his office. It was forever. She wanted to be cuddled up in her warm blankets.
They weren't picking up. She waited on the dead road, silent and horrific. She felt afraid. All the flashbacks came through of her being nearly raped, the last time she travelled alone somewhere, she got invaded, used and hurt. She couldn't travel alone again. Not before feeling like a scorpion had stung her and then it's overwhelming pain enveloping her fragile body.
The leaves crackled under his feet as he exited the hospital his coat in his hands. He gulped the saliva down. Gave a hoarse sound, masking the bluntness of his naked feelings. Naked is naked. You can't hide it. His beard had gotten thicker than days before. His eyes looked older than his age. It was all the guilt that was buried in them. His eye trajectory was focused on her thinking of something to say. When she saw him tears burned in her eyes.
All she wanted was to mend things, tell him she was sorry for mistreating him, for doubting him but he shoved her out like a piece of disposable. He hating her couldn't have been harder than seeing him standing with his hands in his pockets looking at her from a distance. She wiped a tear quickly wishing for the clouds to leak already to hide her pain in the water of the rain.
He came closer to stand beside her. "You won't be going alone,"
She shot him a glare. He couldn't treat her like garbage all this time and then come back to being the big old protective. She moved towards the road in an attempt to go far away. No matter how afraid she felt, she wouldn't lose her independence in it. Blow her cover.
"I don't need you,"
A horn honked from afar and a raging car from the front ready to crash her encountered her. The flashlights in the night blinded her. His hand appeared from nowhere and tightened on her wrist white knuckled, strong. She tried to fight but found herself dragged along the road as she lost her balance. The sky burst open and started pouring rain amidst the chaos of both their hearts. Being soaked in the rain was the least enjoyable in piercing wind and numbing cold. Her mind was hazy. The only source of warmth was his body. His body warmth. He had spread his hands on her back saving her from an accident.
"I am sorry," He breathed out. He had barely touched her and she had separated herself from him. She could have misheard it. She won't let feelings over charge her again. Not when it hurt so fucking much.
"I am sorry,"
He repeated. She kept looking at him like she didn't know what was happening or what was about to happen. She was in his arms and he was apologizing. What could be more absurd? And what better time to be having hallucinations.
"Hey. Listen to me, Ayat,"
"I just thought I could hate you and it'll make things easier,"
The burning tears scrolled down her cheeks. "Did it make it easier? Because I think it did,"
It wasn't anger in her voice. It was grief and pain. He neared her and cupped her face and turned it towards him. She didn't struggle. She kept idle and present in the moment. His eyes teared up.
"Do I look like I am in ease? Its hell and I am going to hell. I can't breathe without feeling the pain of the many deaths I shoulder, of the thought that you hate me. It's like thorns seeping in my skin all the while. I can't do this again. I thought I'd hate you and I can relieve the void that's left when you aren't there but now I can't do this without you; I can't have you hating me again, I don't have the kind of strength to watch you walk away from me, to see the look of disgust in your eyes when you see me, It's beyond me Ayat Mirza Hassan. Just tell me you don't hate and I can die in peace,"
She couldn't see him tear apart and not mend him. "I don't hate you. You stupid fool. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I am so sorry. I am sorry for feeling like you're the one who'd ruin me, when you were the only thing that made sense. I be damned for doubting you for a murderer, I am so sorry, I don't deserve you. I deserve pain and endless amounts of it, but if you hate me like you said," She hiccupped. He attached their foreheads. Her words were liberating. That's how much it took for his pain to go away. Her little assurance and it was gone. He wiped her tears with the rain.
"I don't. I don't hate you. What kind of a idiot could hate you Ayat? I was afraid that you'd leave me like before. Alone and void like an empty vessel,"
"Then why'd you say it?" She wiped his tears and he wanted to melt in her like ice cream in a bowl. Easily and silently merge in her. To unite their souls.
"Because I am a fucking coward,"
She laughed in between continuous sobs. She brushed his face with her thumb.
"You're not, not by a long shot,"
Her eyebrows drew together again and she let out a painful sob.
"I thought I was going to have my first real heartbreak,"
He attached his lips to her forehead. "I am never giving you that pleasure. Mia Amor,"
"Thank you. Thank you,"
"Ayat?" He asked. His brown eyes pulsing with sentiment and overridden by uncertainty.
She hummed in response silence was bliss and she was enjoying being in the moment. In middle of the rain with him. There wasn't a more precious moment that this.
"Do you think you can ever love me?" He asked. Only if he knew.
"You're beautiful Maaz Farooq Chaudhry. Entirely. From all your greatness to all your flaws. There is nothing that disgusts me about you,"
And then they both said it together. In perfect harmony. "I love you,"
She laughed and cried. All at once. He kissed her forehead lovingly again. "We won't have to debate in front of our children about who said it first,"
She hugged his figure. Buried her head in his chest and remained there for as long as she could. Loving the devil maybe bad, but loving a devil with a soul wasn't. He was a devil with a splendid soul.
.
Greetings Fellas!
I know it's a long overdue. But it had to be perfect. Comment and tell how was it?
Do you think it was justice to the devil and his little demon? We'll know what's ahead soon. For now. Stay smiling and blessed. And also.
Vote
comment
share.
Peace out.