Chapter 19: 19: Checkmate

Rowan

The arrival of Wednesday left me feeling ill and apprehensive, like a heavy rock landed in my stomach. I had been trying my best to avoid Fiona since our intimate encounter and confessions of love. Yet despite my intense desire to claim and mark Fiona as my mate, I recognized the danger and refrained. If I confessed the truth, it would further complicate matters that were already messy and dangerous.

While Fiona consumed my mind, body, and soul every second of the day, I continued hiding behind flimsy excuses, dodging her like a plague. I’d wrestled with myself for days, an internal battle like no other, over my careless actions and uncontrollable need for her.

I allowed weakness and emotion to control me and tossed logic out the window. But my longing for Fiona was all-consuming, and I realized being with her wasn’t a preference but a natural reaction, like breathing. Humans had choices for picking a spouse or partner. I didn’t. Sure, one could reject their mate—it happened a lot—but after experiencing it firsthand, I was even more baffled. I knew with Fiona anywhere in my orbit, I could never deny her.

I had to send her somewhere safe and far away from me as soon as possible. But my future seemed bleak, knowing I would end up a miserable sod without her, yet fate could be cruel. If I gave in to my desires, the outcome might be catastrophic for my pack, my family, and Fiona.

Why had fate chosen Fiona as my destined mate? And would it be selfish to mark her anyway and deal with the aftermath? Or was this some kind of test? I groaned aloud in the silence as a war waged inside me and raked a tired hand through my hair.

When I was alone and avoiding her, I wondered if some bonds were inherently stronger. I didn’t understand how some wolves could cast aside their mates, preferring another. For me, Fiona was like a magnet, drawing me to her, and no other woman on Earth or beyond would satisfy my need. She completed me, and without her, I’d never be whole.

Despite berating myself for my weakness, I would never regret what we shared. However, I had regrets. My actions seemed selfish, leaving me feeling ashamed. Knowing Fiona felt the same about me and hearing those four precious words, ‘I love you, too’, whispered from her pretty mouth, caused me endless conflicting emotions. Our intimacy filled me with joy and relief, but despair and anger followed like a dark, rain-filled cloud. She deserved the truth before I had the right to lay a finger on her, and I felt like the world’s biggest jerk for my deception.

The only woman I would ever love could never be mine, and her affection would soon turn to scorn… maybe even hatred. I played out so many scenarios of Fiona’s reaction when she discovered the truth, and each one seemed more brutal than the last. After learning her whole life had been a lie, what would this new revelation do to her? My stomach burned at the thought of causing her pain, and I despised my life, my responsibilities, my loyalty, and most of all… myself. I was a selfish bastard and a proper coward. Last night after drowning my sorrows with too much whisky, I promised to tell her everything the following day, but it was now supper time, and I had found another excuse to put it off.

We decided as a group that going to Quinn’s today would be too reckless, since Fiona wasn’t sure when his flight to London departed. Instead, we would leave early Thursday morning and begin an extensive search of the entire property. I hoped we would find everything the loathsome man had regarding Fiona, her mom, Kat, and Sexflex tomorrow, but no later than Friday. I knew in my gut that he was involved with the drug. But we had to be extra cautious, because Cormac Quinn was a clever and slippery man.

I feared Cormac might know Kat and Fiona never left town, or he could return early, and I wasn’t willing to take the chance of running into the evil scientist on his home turf. With potential dilemmas overwhelming me, I finished my stew and washed down the last bite with ale. I peered at the ceiling in my office and asked, “Why me?” My nerves felt frayed, especially after glancing at the time on my phone. We would all gather in ten quick minutes to make plans for tomorrow, forcing me to be in the same room with Fiona. My only saving grace was we wouldn’t be alone. Imagine an alpha werewolf afraid of a mere lass… it sounded absurd, but my terror was genuine.

The time had come, and as we sat around the kitchen table, I felt Fiona’s eyes on me, leaving my skin burning. So, I kept my gaze on Rian. “I don’t think Kat should come with us just in case Cormac turns up.”

“I’m going!” she spat, and I watched her flash pleading eyes toward Fiona. “To stay safe, we only have Thursday and Friday to search the entire place, so you need me!”

“Four sets of eyes and hands are better than three,” Fiona said, taking up for Kat. “We are being extra cautious already, and I want her with me or I won’t go. And if I don’t go…” Fiona threw me a cocky grin, knowing I couldn’t get in without her. “Besides, we know the place like the back of our hands.” She spoke with conviction, her eyes filled with rage, and I realized I couldn’t go on treating her like a stranger. Avoiding Fiona after what we shared was wrong, and giving her the cold shoulder was childish. I wondered when I had become such a cowardly and cruel creature?

As I sat listening to the girls argue the benefits of Kat coming along, I knew it was past the time for complete honesty. I would explain and beg Fiona for forgiveness once we had searched Quinn’s property, but right now, I needed my head in the game.

“What’s the worst that could happen, bro?” Rian shrugged and threw me a tight smile.

I felt my eye twitch and clenched my teeth. Great! It was three against one, unless I wanted to throw my weight around and use the alpha card. But I already felt like a wimp and a jerk, so pulling rank seemed like a real dick move. Sometimes people had to pick their battles, and this was one I didn’t want to fight.

“Rian, you know what could happen! I’m only trying to protect Kat, because Quinn has some weird fascination with her. We still don’t know why, and if he or one of his goons finds us while we are searching…” I furrowed my brows but said no more.

“Thank you for caring, but I have lived through his abuse for years. I want to come and if the worst happens… Well, it’s on me, not you.”

“Fine.” I let out a deep sigh. “But I really could use you here, though, to help with Kyra.”

“What about all your guards?” Fiona scoffed, folding her arms under her chest.

“The guards will be here patrolling the house and perimeter, but your father has ways…” I gathered sufficient courage to peek at Fiona and wished I hadn’t. Her fury seemed palpable and alive, but I soldiered on, remembering I’d brought it on myself. “Kyra has taken to both of you, and I thought to kill two birds with one stone by protecting Kat while allowing Kyra a chance to have some female company.” I shrugged.

“Which is it?” Fiona arched one dark brow, challenging me. “Do you want Kat to stay behind for protection or to babysit Kyra?”

I knew Fiona didn’t care either way, but wanted to argue and punish me for hurting her. She needed an excuse for her bitterness, since we weren’t alone for her to say what was really on her mind. Some may deem her actions petty, but I deserved her disdain.

Oh, boy! She will flay me alive the moment we are alone, I thought, already dreading it.

“Listen, lass… I’ve agreed to Kat going. Now, can we move on and finish this discussion about our plans? We all need a good night’s sleep.” Even though I spoke with softness to appease Fiona, it still enraged her, as suggested by eyes reduced to mere slits and her rigid posture.

She huffed and gave me a quick military salute. “Sure, Alpha Wolf. You’re the boss and captain of this ship.”

I relaxed my tight jaw, reminding myself that Fiona had every right to provoke me. “I am not trying to boss anyone, lass. Let’s work together as a team, okay?”

“Whatever…” She grimaced, rolling her eyes.

Rian and Kat seemed riveted, glancing between us and our one-sided sparring session. My brother’s eyebrows soared with confusion, and his mouth twitched in amusement from his big brother—Alpha O’connell—allowing this slip of a girl to berate him. He knew what a dominant, moody bastard I was.

I gave him a sidelong stare, and my mouth thinned with displeasure. Rian bit his bottom lip, trying to swallow his grin. Within minutes, we finished ironing out all the details, and I had never been so relieved to escape to my room for the night.

Dawn was upon me in what seemed like a flash, and my cell phone sounded its annoying alarm—a screeching noise that should be illegal at such an hour. In the dark, I smacked around on my nightstand to turn off the offending tone that was like a frenzied death in my ears.

I showered, changed, and headed to the kitchen, where the smell of eggs, coffee, and sausage made my mouth water. I rushed down the hall and halted, noticing Fiona at the stove. We were alone. I was unprepared. This was not good.

“Don’t even think about it, Rowan O’Connell!” She whirled around as I backtracked out of the room. Fiona charged at me with a greasy metal spatula in her hand and her blue eyes flashed like heat lightning.

I put up my palms, surrendering and stood still. “Fair play, lass, but put the weapon down.”

She snorted and looked at the greasy spatula. “Weapon? Don’t tell me that Big Bad Alpha O’Connell is afraid of a little kitchen utensil.” Fiona waved the spatula in the air, her lips trembling from suppressed laughter.

“Well, it’s not so much the utensil as the spitfire holding it…” My mouth was no longer watering—quite the contrary—and I swallowed hard. “Fiona, we need to talk when—”

Her smile disappeared like clouds retreating behind the moon. “Those famous four words… we need to talk.” She shook her head in disgust. “Forget it, lover boy. I get it, so relax. It’s my fault for thinking it meant something when—”

“Damn it, lass, it meant something to me!”

“Just save your breath, Alpha. Yes, you hurt me, and I was angry, but I’m over it now. Let’s just get the next few days over, and we can go our separate ways… Capiche?”

“No. We are discussing things as soon as we return here today.” Fiona stomped back to the stove. “Capiche?” I growled.

She ignored me.

With an exaggerated sigh, I sided up behind Fiona, spinning her around to face me. She tried to growl in protest, but it came out more like a puny moan. Holding her by the upper arms, I stared into her stormy eyes. “There are things I must tell you, lass.” She struggled in vain against my grasp. “Listen to me, Fiona!”

She exhaled, giving in, but continued to pierce me with a stony glare. “I’m listening. Say what you must, since I don’t appear to have a choice.” Fiona glanced at my hands around her arms.

“You always have a choice,” I said, my words taking me aback, causing me to reflect on my earlier musings. If that was true, why didn’t I have one regarding Fiona? Why couldn’t I mark her as my mate? I knew the reasons, and they were valid, but I wanted to have a choice. What could I do to keep her?

With those thoughts swirling in my head, I said, “Loving you isn’t a choice… It’s a fact.” I watched the anger leave her eyes, replaced by shock or confusion, and I released my grip, rubbing her arms. “But I want a choice for our future, damn it!”

“What does that even mean?” she asked, her brows hitting her hairline.

“That I can’t live without you, lass,” I whispered and covered her lips with mine. Fiona’s body melted into me, a reminder of what fulfillment and happiness felt like.

“Damn! Something smells good,” Rian yelled from the doorway, ruining the moment.