Aarush
"Would you "had taken this extra care if Priya took them to her maternal home? You would trust her, wouldn't you? You wouldn't arrive before time to check if she's treating your kids right. The simple answer to everything is just, I am not their birth mom. I'm their step mom. Isn't it?" saying she left the room.
I was still as she brought Priya in this conversation. Lately I've passed days without thinking of her, life lately has been busier. But why is she comparing herself with Priya? And Birth mom and step mom? Damn! We are back to square one.
I went behind her and I saw her in the living room, seated on one end of the sofa, closing her eyes. The lights potentially were switched off, as everyone was retired to their rooms. I went and sat beside her on the same sofa, but on the other end.
"I would appreciate it if you keep Priya out of our conversation. And if I was at her house before time, she would be happy to see me"
Tension was thickening every passing second and awkwardness was engulfing the warmth of the room. It felt like the room was running cold.
"Listen to me at least" I murmured timidly, unknowing how she would react. Instead she didn't move or flinch. She was there as she was, like she's unbothered. I need to clear up the wind and get straight to my point.
"Vaani" I called her out, still she didn't attempt to reply to me.
"At least hear me-" she bashed out of the living room before letting me complete my words. I again followed her to our room and saw her settled down on bed, all ready to sleep.
"Let's sleep" her voice was more like a whisper as her gaze met mine. I didn't want to drag the topic, but sleeping with unsettled matters triggered me. I went to babies' cribs and saw them. They were peacefully sleeping. At least they can sleep peacefully! Because sleep was far off my eyes.
I switched off the lights and went to the balcony. The night was dark and there was no sign of the moon. Trees were making an eerie sound as the wind passed by, enough to make my heart sink deep.
The more I try to move forward, the more I'm pulled behind. But, today I tried overcoming my insecurities. I let them go with her. But, from the point of view of the parent I was, before Yuvaani stepped in my life took over the situation. I always wanted my kids to be with me. Wherever they go, whenever they go. Because Priya was no longer with us to look after them. I need to look after them, fulfilling the duty of both the parents.
It's not that I don't trust her. I do. But the protective parent in me was insecure. Because I was not with them. And this was the very first time they were away from me outdoors. But, I tried to control my possessiveness and protectiveness. I know my kids are safe with Yuvaani, that's the very reason I sent them with her, didn't I?
How can I make her understand that this isn't about the trust, but about my own insecurities I'm trying to overcome? I took my first step towards it today and it turned out this way.
-
I felt a few pats on my shoulder and my eyes flattered due to direct sunlight coming in them. "Come for breakfast" Maa called me out and I just nodded as I needed some time to register what was happening. I looked around, and I remember I slept on the sofa in our balcony last night.
I quickly did my morning routine and stepped in the living room.
I saw Papa and Maa on the dinner table and Vaani sitting on the floor, leaning against the sofa. Priyansh and Pihu were climbing on her and she descended them from her and seated them on the floor. But they climbed her up again.
Tired of her unsuccessful tries, she got up and walked out. Pihu cried loudly as she was deprived of her attention. She crawled behind her crying. But I picked her up midway. Her cries were not subtling any time soon. I took Priyansh and we walked towards her.
Opening the bedroom door, we saw her seated on the edge of the bed as her head was in her hands. But learning our presence she composed herself straight. I carefully let my kids on bed and they crawled towards her. "Mik" Pihu's cries grew louder as she desperately sat on Vaani's laps and pulled her t-shirt.
"She's hungry" I stated.
"So feed her" Vaani retorted back.
"She wants you"
"But she's your daughter, Aarush. How can I touch her? I'm not safe for your kids right?" She blurted out back. But Pihu's cries grew louder and stronger. Yuvaani held her in both her arms and placed it on my lap.
My daughter was struggling hard to get on her lap, but she was denied access. How could-
"Yuvaani. I disappointed you. Not them! You treat me badly, hit me or do whatever you want to, but not my kids. They want you" my heart broke seeing my kids crawling to her but unable to get her. They need her. They need her milk. I never in my wildest dream thought she could deprive them of what they want. My baby was crying. And I'm helpless. When I tried to hold her and pacify her she went to Yuvaani and clutched her t-shirt hard. As a father, I felt like I failed today. I didn't realize it until Priyansh came to me and csat on my lap.
"Pa-" he uttered and stretched his arms to meet my face. I closed my eyes.
My babies.
Emotions stirred within me and I couldn't hold back longer, a year slipped from my eye. And I looked into Yuvaani's eyes. "Don't deprive them.. please" I uttered, trying to maintain my voice as normal as possible, but failed miserably.
I kneeled down in front of her, as she sat on the edge of the bed. "Please- don't- They're so small, I don't want to sacrifice their health because of my faults- You punish me, kick me, Yuvaani. But don't push my kids away from you" I begged.
I felt her hand wiping my tears, and she took Pihu in her arms, willingly. "I should feed her" she uttered and I took Priyansh and moved outside.
I patiently fed Priyansh in the living room, and fortunately he didn't throw any tantrums today. I wanted to be in a calm atmosphere for a while, my emotional insecurities seemed to be heightened.
Few minutes later, Pihu was smiling in Yuvaani's arms and I'm glad she had her food. Yuvaani came near us and she gave Pihu to me.
"Are you okay now, baccha?" I asked and she held my biceps with her tiny hands, attempting to stand up.
I made her stand on my lap, and I kissed her lightly. I don't know why but today Pihu's face seems to resonate with Priya. But people say she looks like me! I gave her a long hug and she too put her head on my right shoulder.
"I love you" I uttered to my little baby and kissed her head. Same with Priyansh.
"I guess we need to talk" I heard Yuvaani.
"Yes" I affirmed and we walked towards our bedroom. I gave our twins to my parents to look after them.
"About last night, in my defence, Yuvaani- I care about my kids. Very much. And you too know that. I've seen them vulnerable. When Priya died, I know how hard it was for them too. They were deprived of their mom. Their primary source of nutrition. Still both of them managed to do so"
"I know, Aarush"
"But you don't know that it's not easy for me. After Priya had gone I was all alone in every sense. May it be their guardian, or their caretaker, or their only parent. I had developed a habit of looking for them every hour, if they need anything- initial days were- difficult" I swallowed my pain and emotions.
"Then, you came," I uttered, looking at her, taking her palms in mine.
"Honestly, I took time to trust you. As a mother of my kids. I know you are selfless. I know you are good for them, Yuvaani. I don't doubt you about this, trust me. It's just- I've never let my kids go anywhere without me. I'm always with them outdoors."
"I know you are their mother" I began caressing her palms with my thumb.
"But old habits die hard, don't they? I know my kids are safe and secure with you. But I was just concerned about them. Because it was the very first time, they were without me- outdoors-"
"Aarush-"
"If I never trusted you, Yuvaani, I would never let them go with a person I never trust. My babies' safety is my first priority, and you know that '' I interrupted her.
"Concerning them and trusting you are two different things. I trust you. Enough well to let my kids with you, Alone. But it's just- my insecurities- I'm trying to overcome them" I continued.
"And letting twins with me was the first step" she completed, and I nodded.
"I'm sorry, Aarush. I know you aren't wrong. You're the best father anyone could ever have. My insecurities too kicked in- I thought you never trusted me"
"I do trust you." I took her palm and kissed it.
Her eyes held a soft emotion which her lips might rarely express.
"I guess, then we are working on our insecurities. We just need to communicate more openly regarding our feelings to avoid clashes"
"That's right," I added.
"I'm sorry" she muttered and took at our intertwined hands.
"It's okay, I'm sorry too. To hurt you, again" I took her in a hug, which she reciprocated without any delay.
______
Author's note -
I know the chapter is a little short, this I wrote without any prior decision because I was clashes with multiple texts asking me to update, so here it goes.
Drop good reviews so I can feel motivated to write next chapter soon!
Take care,
Regards.