Chapter 25: Chapter 24

later that night

i held an Atlas in my lap

ran my fingers across the whole

world

and whispered

where does it hurt?

it answered

everywhere

everywhere

everywhere

-Waran Shire

I wake up with strokes of fire licking my back and crawling up in waves of heated pain.

I’m covered in sweat, gasping.

My chest rises and falls to the distress my body is under, the pain that pulses within me.

A low whine catches my attention.

Orion had woken me, my agony the source for his own. He quickly jumps off the bed, the movement causing me to inhale sharply.

It’s been a while since this has happened.

I want to reach up and stop Orion. Almost instinctively I know what he is going to do. Just as I conclude in my mind, he shifts, quickly changing into his discarded clothes and running out the room.

Wait. No. Don’t.

Instead of words though, a low moan of pain leaves me.

My door bursts open again, the sound of the frame colliding with the wall, jolting me into alertness.

“Soraya,” dad’s voice reaches my hearing. I feel hands- his hands- on me.

He says nothing else. From the side of my eye, I watch as mom comfortingly tries to sooth Orion. Hopefully, she would explain to him why this was happening.

I grit my teeth, feeling tears of frustration rise in me.

One tear manages to escape as dad lifts me from the bed.

“I know. I know,” he whispers.

I close my eyes.

I didn’t want Orion to see this. And I hated whenever dad saw this.

Yet they still were here, witnessing how weak I was.

I feel each jolt in my body as dad takes the steps. I know he is trying to be careful. I know he is trying so hard to not jostle me. But each movement still creates rips of torture on my back. I refused to scream.

Blood surfaces to my mouth as I bite down on the side of it, stifling pain with more.

I know he can smell the iron- the metallic scent leaking out of me.

But I refuse to scream.

Time always seemed to pass like a blur whenever this happened. Like I had been submerged in water. My surroundings became dim and muted. It was hard to breath, hard to see, and hard to process what happened around me.

I was only vaguely aware of the direction we were driving in.

Dad answers my unspoken question.

“Daisy and Jay just returned. They heard you were home and wanted to be back...” dad’s voice fades out. I hear mom whisper words to Orion in the back. Her sentences dying and returning -in and out.

“When she was fifteen... It took time to heal...never the same...she trained so hard...her back...”

Orion surprises me by speaking.

“What happened?”

There is a silence in the truck. It’s only broken by my jagged pants as the vehicle hits uneven edges on the road.

“Henry found in in the woods,” Mom’s voice breaks before she clears it, “she... fought a rogue wolf.”

The tension rises. I can almost taste the strange anger that is coming off of Orion. A low growl issues in him, but he doesn’t say a word after that. I wince but not from the pain. He knew there were only two options- either I had lied to him or lied to my family. I could tell he was believing the former. I wanted more than anything to turn around and whisper, no, you weren’t the one I lied to...

But I black out.

Or maybe I just fell asleep, my body’s way of trying to shut down the pain.

Either or, both would do the job in making me forget the feeling of paralyzed pain that gripped my spine.

I wake up to the dim lighting. The smell of cleaner and herbs- a strange mixture in any place but this- tells me where I am.

“Heyo Soro.”

My eyes flicker back down, but I can’t help the smile that raises my lips.

“Hey grandma.”

I hear a shuffling noise to my right. Opening my eyes, I’m greeted with the sight of grandma smiling at me. It’s instinct now for me to look down and see what shirt she is wearing.

A black t-shirt that reads ′I’m not old, I’m vintage’ is proudly on display.

She moves closer to me, softly scooting her chair so that she can lean down and whisper her words.

“Are you feeling better?”

I nod, a wary edge entering me as I take in the slow change that was coming over Grandma’s face. She closes her eyes and sighs.

“How long did you go this time?”

I freeze at the question and don’t answer.

She doesn’t open her eyes. Grandma always had a power of getting her way. She knew she would eventually get the response from me.

“Soraya.” My voice is spoken in a harder tone. “How long did you go without taking the medicine this time?”

“Several months,” I admit, my voice just a faint mumble but her blue eyes that match my own light up with a fire of fury as they suddenly open to glare down at me.

I look away from them. Instead, I take in my surroundings. My body felt tired and stiff, slow aftershocks of spasms riding up my back. The medicine that I knew grandma had given me prevented the horrible pain from being felt to its full extent.

A bitter part of my mind wished I could still feel it.

Like she is reading my thoughts, Grandma shakes her head and sighs, “How many times do I have to tell you that it’s not a weakness to take the medicine Soraya? It helps you. If you don’t take it, then it builds and builds until this,” she motions down my body, “happens.”

My face twists into a scowl. I’m about to respond back when my attention is captured by a faint movement just below Grandma’s chair.

Her eyes follow mine, and a smile forms on her aged face as we both take in the sleeping form of the giant tan wolf below. I don’t know how I missed him. Probably because he had placed himself in a blind spot to my side as I laid supine on the bed.

“He was very worried about you,” Grandma said.

I continue to watch Orion, a tightness in my chest lightening at the sight of him.

“I had to give him a medicine to make him sleep-,”

“You what?!”

Grandma giggles at my angry words.

“He wouldn’t stop whining and pacing.”

I groan softly. I could just picture Orion’s wolf- and how annoying grandma would find that.

Trying to change the topic I quickly grabbed onto anything I could.

“Did you like the North?”

Grandma makes a face. “I did but your grandfather didn’t.”

I can’t help but laugh. Grandma loved to travel. It had taken her a while to convince Grandjay to step outside the pack borders and see the world with her. I remember being eleven the first time and watching as Grandjay swore to everyone who would listen that he would never leave again.

Apparently, the food at the different pack had upset his stomach or something.

But where grandma went, Grandjay would follow.

“I was sure he would like it. But this she-wolf had to ruin it by getting too enthusiastic during the bonfire dance.” Grandma sighs. I hear her mutter under her breath, “he’s such an old fart.”

“Did you happen to...” I can’t finish the sentence, but Grandma knows what I want to ask.

“No Soraya. We didn’t see Vincent. We did stop to see Uncle Lew-” She stops suddenly, becoming distracted with the daisy flower ring on her hand.

“Ah...”

We continue in silence until Grandma pokes my arm. I inhale sharply at the jab she gave to the cuts that laced my skin.

“That’s probably what set it off in the first place. Did someone hit your back during a fight?”

My silence answers her question.

“You could have at least bandaged the cuts,” she scolds.

“What’s the point. It’s not like it will have time to heal anyway.”

“Honestly Soraya, sometimes I think you enjoy putting yourself through pain.”

Her tone meant to be joking, but underneath the sarcasm, I could trace the faint edge of worry in her voice.

Sometimes I think so too.

We both look up at the same time when the door opens.

Dad looks in. For a second, I see relief etch into every feature of his skin before he pulls his mask back on and hides it away from sight.

“Go ahead and rest Daisy- Jay’s already asleep.”

“I’m fine,” I scowl, “I don’t need to be watched or babysat.”

Grandma stands and softly pats my forehead, “just a precaution- in case the pain comes back. I don’t want you to be wiggling around like a fish in a bucket.”

I roll my eyes at grandma’s words.

She only smiles and walks past dad. He looks behind, staring at her back before closing the door and occupying the empty chair.

Orion still was asleep. Part of me worried just how much grandma had given to make him relax.

Dad leans back in the chair and closes his eyes.

I tensely watch him.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to be alone with him. I could feel the pressure rising in the air as the unspoken words ballooned around us. What I knew he wanted to say.

Finally, he sighs and moves forward. Unable to take the stressed silence any longer.

“Soraya...”

“Dad please don’t.”

His face twists at my words. Mouth pressed into thin lips and hard eyes. He runs a hand through his hair, trying and failing to dispel the anger that my request has brought.

“What happened...”

“It’s was just because...” I’m about to say because I forgot to take the medicine, but then I remember that I hid that fact from him. I clear my throat and start again. “It was just because I shifted wrong. Something stupid like the last time. That was it. I won’t do it again though.”

His head is down as he stares at the floor. I’m unable to gauge his expression.

His voice comes out strained though, “be serious Soraya. Think about what this does to your...to what you want.”

“This changes nothing,” I growl the words out, fierce in my resolve.

He only shakes his head.

It’s a broken cycle. I know what he wants to say. He knows what I will say back. We’ve gone around this circle so many times. So many times and I was tired each time the loop was completed.

Judging by the way dad clenched his hands together- I could tell he was also.

“Just leave me alone. Why are you even concerned about me-,”

“Of course I’m concerned. You’re my daughter. That’s why I want what’s best for you. You need a voice of reason because you...you can’t...you can’t be...I can’t watch...”

I’m holding my breath, waiting for him to grasp what he wants to say. For him to bring up the pain, Aunt Jewels, Vincent- any of it. All of it.

He runs another hand through his hair, pulling back the black strands.

A rush of air leaves him, dispelling from his chest.

“It’s my choice,” I whisper.

“I know.”

He looks up then.

Dad’s eyes always looked broken. I would never be able to describe the sight to anyone. It probably was my own imagination. But whenever we reached this point in our argument, I always became distracted by dad’s expression.

“I can do this.”

A bitter laughter escapes his lips.

“Oh Soraya. But at what cost? You fight, and you fight but little do you know- the weight of the world only gets heavier.”

I can’t find any words that describe what I want to say. He sits, waiting for me to speak. And there I was again. Transported back to that feeling of being eight years old while standing in front of him without a clue of how cruel the world could be.

While dad shook his head- because he out of everyone seemed to know the horrors the darkness could hide.

The tension is unexpectedly broken by a scraping sound.

We both look down at the same time to watch Orion. He still laid on the floor, completely oblivious to the world around him. His legs moved like he was trying to run while laying down. The action only makes his claws scrape against the wooden floor.

It works though.

The sudden air of anger and frustration collapses and dad and I both laugh in unison.

“I’m so going to hold that against him later,” I said, probably a little too gleefully.

Dad only shakes his head and laughs again as Orion repeats the actions.

Affection blooms in my chest for the wolf. Even asleep he was still unknowingly making me feel better.

“He was worried about you.”

“I know. Grandma told me.”

Dad frowns as he glances back down at Orion. I feel my eyes narrow, but before I can let my anger leak through he shrugs.

“Jay didn’t seem to like him.”

I frown with dad on that. Normally Grandjay was an easy going person. And even if he disliked someone- he was so polite about it, you hardly would be able to tell.

“Are you sure?”

But I knew it was a silly question the moment I asked it. Dad loved Grandjay. He practically worshiped the ground he walked on. When Grandjay was gone, traveling with Grandma- dad would call him almost every night. It made me envy how dad could have such a relationship like that with his father yet be unable to forge a similar one with his own children. So it was a silly question because dad knew Grandjay. He knew him just as much as Grandjay knew dad.

“I’m sure.”

I grit my teeth at the obvious response.

Dad sits up abruptly and pulls the covers around, tucking me into the bed.

“Sleep- It’ll be morning in a few hours. You need to rest your body.”

I don’t protest.

My whole frame felt tired and dragged down. It had been a while since it felt like this.

When was the last time? I mused the question to myself, trying to think back.

Probably a year ago. It had been that long since I had woken up with pain spasming up and down my back.

A year.

The fact hits me suddenly as I close my eyes- shutting off the sight of Dad and the rest of the chaotic world.

Letting the image of the tan wolf be the last thing I see before I allow darkness to consume my vision.