Chapter 29: Chapter 28

There were always those nights

where her mind went to war with her heart

the fight between what she knew, what she felt

and what she had to do

sometimes the hardest decisions

are made under the moon

r.h. sin

My own words haunt me as I reflect to them. Sometimes we say the most profound things without acknowledging the advice we give in consideration to ourselves.

A deserved punishment.

Everything has its consequences.

Everything comes with a price and every decent desire has a demon standing behind it.

I smile at Orion, masking my pain with my lips as he kisses them. Smile and laugh, trying to get away as fast as I can without making him notice anything.

Orion is observant in many ways.

But there are some things he is still ignorant to.

“I have training.”

His arms wrap back around me, pulling me to land on the bed with him.

“One day, please.”

“No Orion, let go,” I can’t help but laugh as he tries to initiate his puppy eyes while wearing skin.

“I really have to train. You know I have to.”

He sighs and stares at me, pausing on my face. I take him in as well. Instinct takes over as I reach for his face, feeling the rough texture of his beard grating against my skin. He leans his head, playfully nipping at my wandering fingers.

“Hurry back.”

I smile, warmth spreading into my guilt- the two feelings colliding to create a sick mixture as I pull back.

“Will you be at the nursey?”

His face lights up, like a rising sun. The pure joy upon his features blinds me as he sits up. “Yes. Thana just learned how to walk.” The pride in his voice is unmistakable. It is almost as if he is talking of his own child and not another’s.

“I’ll pick you up later then...”

He leans back on the bed, shrugging and closing his eyes away from the early morning. The darkness of the sky still penetrating the windows.

I pause at the doorway, taking him in. His dirty blond hair that is tossed around, coiled into knots because I didn’t brush it after the bath.

His body is bare, laying for me to see. He opens one eye, a silent smirk on his face as he watches me. I roll my own, closing the door behind me to cut him off from my sight.

My resolve becomes stronger once he is not in my view. Once his scent is not invading my nose. I take a steady breath and walk out the pack house.

The clinic comes into view after several minutes. The lights are dim, showing someone was inside. Desperately, I hoped it wasn’t Leo.

My wishes are heard. Schulman sits alone and silent in his office, staring at the wall in front of him. I look at it also, taking in the fall scenery and knowing only one person could have painted such a masterpiece for him.

I realize then that he is asleep. Gently I shake him, knowing this could not wait.

“Urgh, what?”

“Schulman, it’s me.”

The old male groans, “I should have known.”

I sit across from him, waiting.

Slowly he turns his chair, bones creaking at the movement.

“What do you want? Is this an emergency?”

I shrug, “A little...” I pause, not knowing how to convey what I need.

“Schulman...I....I need something...a um...herb from you for...”

The old wolf raises his hand, “Say no more.”

He points to a cabinet, “I prepared it the moment you came back with him.”

My heart beat increases as I rise and do as told. I see it immediately. A small tin with words inscribed on a label that read, ′Soraya only. Keep your paws off.′

With shaking hands, I open it to see the herb I need inside.

The room is silent as I stare at the mixture. Schulman clears his throat, his tone softer, “The mate bond is strong Soraya. You don’t have to beat yourself up for giving into it.”

My free hand curls into a fist from his words.

“I know that,” it’s hard to sound neutral against my gritted teeth.

Schulman sighs, “why don’t you boil some water? It will taste better that way.”

I continue to stand though, the question fighting in my mouth until I turn to him, “so you knew I was this weak? You knew I would...that I couldn’t... from the start...”

My words come out flat, my emotions held back. Schulman is already shaking his head slowly, “no, no, no, that’s not it at all Soraya. How many times do I have to remind you that this is not a weakness? Your list- that list you keep in your head of things that are weak are not true.”

“But you knew-,”

“Of course I didn’t know!” Schulman coughs, his raised voice grating against his throat, I wait for him to catch his breath as he shakily whispers, “I don’t know the future. All I know is that there could be a possibility, and now you need it. Why do you have to twist everything that’s good?”

His words stop me short.

I look down at the herbs, knowing I needed them, yet at the same time, feeling a guilt like no other clawing against my chest.

“It’s your choice to take it.”

“I know that. It’s always my choice.”

We don’t say another word, as I boil the water, mixing the herbs inside and letting them seep. Sighing I sit across from Schulman. The first sip of the liquid makes my face pull back, the bitterness sliding against my tongue.

Schulman is leaned back in his chair. His body sags against the back, his whole face a mass of wrinkles and loose skin.

“Schulman...how old are you?”

He laughs at the blunt question. It occurs to me then how much of Orion has rubbed off me.

“I lost count.”

I choke on the bile liquid, wheezing it back down to regain my breath.

He shakes his head, a tired motion as I raise an eyebrow in surprise to his answer.

“I honestly don’t know why I haven’t been killed off yet.”

I blanch at his statement, “Schulman, why the goddess would you say that?”

He glares at me through milk filmed eyes, eyes that have long been clouded over with age as they hung bloodshot and red. “There’s no point in me being around Soraya. It’s just some cruel amusement of fate to keep writing my story out.”

“Schulman, that makes no sense,” I sigh.

“Of course you wouldn’t understand. I’m nothing but a side character so it makes complete sense to me.” With a shaky hand, he raises a gnarled fist in the air, “kill me off already!”

“Schulman you’re shouting at nothing,” I yawn, taking in the sight of the delusional old wolf Schulman had progressed to.

“At least make my back stop hurting!”

“Okay, I’m just going to finish this and go,” I said, trying desperately now to shove the horrible tea down my throat.

“If an apocalypse happened, I would be the only person to survive,” the doctor said in a flat voice.

I press my lips back, fighting the urge to argue with him in pointing out how Schulman could barely get up from his chair anymore.

Instead, I turn my attention to the photos on his wall. Dad was there- young and happy- his smile wide and innocent looking as he stared into the camera. Scattered pictures of mom were rested around also. Various patients and other pack members all graced his wall.

It reminded me of my own wall that I had in my room.

“Schulman, you’ve never had a mate...so how do you know the pull of the bond?”

He’s silent for a few seconds, his eyes roaming the room to settle on the pictures.

“I’ve never had a soul mate...but I did find the love of my life.”

“I never met her...”

“She died.”

His flat voice made it known that he didn’t want to talk about it.

An awkward silence consumes us both as I toss over his words.

“When...?”

He glares at me, his gaze off by a few inches as he stares into the distance, “Thirty something years...goddess...has it really been that long...”

His voice trails off in surprise. A hollow look enters him then. Schulman suddenly looks older, if the thought could even be possible. His gaze goes back to the photos, and a long sigh issue from him.

“Love Soraya, is not always a weakness. I understand why you are doing what you are doing though.”

I clench the mug tighter in my hands as he continues, “but you need to be aware, that though these are your choices, your choices have effects. Effects that ripple into others- others that you care about. You can’t shove everyone aside. It only causes you more pain.”

“I’ll deal with it when it comes.”

“You’re a remarkable wolf Soraya. I don’t think you’re told that enough.”

I throw back the rest of the liquid in my mouth, fighting the gagging sensation and slamming the mug down on the desk.

Schulman knows how much his knowledge affects me. Enough to make me flee from his office without another word.

Orion presses from behind me, his face nuzzled into my neck.

I step back, earning a frown from him as he moves the step with me.

“You smell different.”

Without missing a beat I reply, “a new medicine for my back. Schulman gave it to me.”

Orion’s nose wrinkles in distaste, “I don’t like the smell of it on you.”

I turn away from him, keeping my face blank as his arms wrap around me. His affection has grown since last night.

I gasp as his lips make contact with the mate mark on my shoulder.

A content sight leaves him, his forehead pressing against the back of my neck as his fingers trail idly up and down my back.

We are alone in the woods, away from the prying eyes of the pack. I had brought Orion out here to explain...to explain to him something important...the importance of my smell and the change, but his actions once again lead my thoughts to become scattered and disassembled.

“How was training?”

“Good.”

“Mmmhhh...” his lips climb up my neck, sucking at a spot behind my ear. My body arches into him, the ultimate traitor to his actions. His hand moves down to splay across my stomach. I feel him lean back against a nearby tree, using it as support for his actions.

“And how were...the pups...?”

I’m turned around to meet his smile. My body curves into him, hips curling into his own as my legs press against his.

His hands rest on my waist and slowly, to my shock, he continues to go down, pulling me with him until he is sitting on the forest floor and I’m dragged to his lap.

My legs wrap around his body, my chest closer to his than it was before. My elbows prop on his shoulders, resting my head against his own as his hands curl to squeeze and cup my ass.

“Good.”

He starts talking then about the different pups. Listing them off by name and telling me more about each individual. I watch how his mouth moves. How his lips curl and arch with the sound of each name. How his beard will occasionally hit my skin. His hands occasionally squeeze.

Sometimes he pauses to lean in and kiss my mark- his mark- upon my skin.

I don’t interrupt, knowing how precious this moment was.

His words start to slow, his stories becoming less and less as he runs out of things to say.

Soon we are sitting in silence.

“Orion...I have something important I need to ask you...”

He traces my face, moving forward to kiss my nose as he smiles up at me.

I suddenly regret my question, but the words still come out as I ask, “what would you do if I...couldn’t give you a pup?”

His whole body stiffens under me. Grey eyes wide as his brain and mouth try to catch up with my words.

I realized my mistake too late. Orion may be a blunt person, but that did not mean you had to be blunt back at him.

“What I mean is...if there was something that prevented me from having a pup-,”

“Your back?”

Panic seeps into me as I take in his hoarse whisper.

“No, it’s not my back,” I quickly curse myself, wondering if I should have lied and grabbed at such a useful excuse.

He stands, lifting me carefully off him.

His feet move a few steps back as his eyes stare down at me, lost and confused, “I don’t understand...isn’t that what mates do...”

“It’s something I should have explained sooner and it’s-,”

“Is it me?”

Horror grips into me as I evaluate his words and the trail his mind has wandered down.

“No! Goddess no Orion how-,”

“Because I’m...” His hands curl into fists. I’ve never seen Orion angry. Irritated. Aggressive. But never angry.

“I should have never told you how I was born. I don’t know. Some freak- that’s what they said at that pack.”

My mouth is open wide, unable to form coherent speech as Orion moves further away.

His voice is just a whisper now. Just a hurt whisper.

“I’m not strong...but you are...and I know you need someone strong by your side I just...” his lips quiver, his words coming out when usually they were bottled in.

“Orion. Orion listen to me- it’s not you it’s-,”

Before I can say another word though he is shifting.

Always his escape. Always his form of running away. Hiding.

The tan wolf that I had missed so much appears before me, but I wish now I could take back my thoughts in wanting fur instead of skin.

I don’t yell after him. I know it’s useless.

Useless as I watch the tan wolf turn and run away.