Chapter 39: Chapter 38

the kind of smile,

that would be cruel

not to kiss

-atticus

They are exactly where I last saw them.

Sitting in the backyard, their world peaceful while mine was going up in flames.

“Dad.”

I clear my throat, cringing at how the single word broke. How weak it sounded. He turns to me, his eyes growing sad as they take in my appearance. Mom turns also, paint now splattered along her arms and hands. Small smudges can be seen on her face and shirt.

“Do you need something?”

With the attention of dad’s eyes focused on me, I panic.

What was I doing? Why was I going to him? It shouldn’t be him. I needed to see Orion. I needed to tell Orion. Orion was the one I should be going to.

But I can’t move. I can’t look away from those blue eyes- eyes that match my own- as I whisper, “Can I talk to you?”

He slowly stands, cautious in his movements. A wary expression has come over him as if a surprise attack were to come at any moment.

Silently we walk away from mom’s worried gaze and up the stairs. Wordlessly we enter the office.

Unlike last time though, I don’t sit down across from him. I take the far end chair, one that looks out the window. He follows me, sitting so that we are side by side.

“You have a question about the pack?”

I shake my head. Silence continues between us. I can’t take it. I can’t look at him, so instead, I lower my head, folding it into my hands.

“I…I need to tell you…”

“What’s up.” He leans back in his chair, his gaze going down to watch mom as she still painted in the backyard.

“I think I’m…I might be…It’s possible…”

My stuttered words, the unsure tone and breaking edge- all of it suddenly click in him. He looks at me in alarm, moving closer.

“Is it your back? Is something wrong?”

I freeze. I didn’t want to say it aloud. Saying it aloud made it true. Making it true meant…

“I’m pregnant.”

His body goes rigid. Like my own reaction, he only whispers a single word.

“No.”

I look away from him, tasting the bitterness of failure in my mouth.

“I told you though…” His breathing becomes shallower, his head slowly shaking in denial, “Aunt Jewels…you said Orion understood…you said you were going to visit Lewis…the herbs…we talked about the herbs Soraya, what…?”

“It’s my fault.”

“You…” his eyes dart down to my stomach, squinting as if he can see through to tell what laid inside already. And then his face of horror breaks.

“What are you going to do.”

“What?”

He moves closer, a panic coming into his eyes.

“Decide. What are you going to do.”

“I haven’t told Orion-,”

“This concerns the pack more than him.”

My mind stops at his words.

“No it-,”

“The pack comes first. It comes first before everything. You made that sacrifice and now you live with it. So I’m not asking what you want. I’m asking what you think is best for the pack.”

What was best for the pack?

I knew that. In my haze of panic, I had forgotten that that should have been the direction for my mind to take. That should have been my first thought. The pack.

Not Orion.

Steel grey cuts into me. Steel grey eyes. I can’t see anything in my vision but those eyes- those eyes on a child. Those eyes on a child with blond curls, who laughed while Orion held him.

Goddess…Orion would make a good father.

Not me. I knew I wouldn’t make a good mother.

Looking at dad, I knew that.

“It’s best for the pack that they have a future leader.”

Dad nods, his eyes glazed over in thought.

“It’s best if I…If I continue…I may not be able to hold the position for long so having a secure candidate will ensure that the pack’s future is safe. It will also allow for a good training opportunity. With three generations of Alpha’s watching over…”

“Yes,” dad whispers his approval his eyes slowly growing more and more excited with the thought.

But all I can think of are those blond curls.

“Who else knows of this?”

“No one,” I whisper, drawn in with the sudden look of serious authority that is coming over dad, “No one but Leo and Schulman…and now you.”

“Tell Orion- maybe Henry- but no one else. No one must know of this. Do you understand Soraya?” He grabs my shoulders, pain entering my back as the pressure increases.

“Tell me you understand!”

“I know! I’m not stupid, I know!”

“You have to hide this- you can’t let anyone in the pack, the warriors, the-,”

“I know!”

I stand suddenly walking away from him. My anger carries me to the desk. He watches me, a new-found fear in his eyes as he takes in my rage.

Nothing is said. Slowly the room calms down, becoming nothing but silence.

“I’m…I’m going to be a grandfather…”

I turn my chair away, pushing my back to him to hide my smile. Dad does no such thing though.

His silly grin is on full display.

Orion.

He sits with the small girl, listening to her as she talks and talks.

Her eyes light up with her words, hands going in all directions.

He never looks away.

I know, in some small way, what that girl feels. She feels like she is his world. Like nothing- nothing- is more important than the next words she will say. The way he looks at her, the intense gaze and focused stare, all cause her to know that his attention is fully on her.

His eyes never wander to something else.

He never interrupts her.

He never looks away.

I watch them for a while, taking the image of the small girl and morphing her features into something else. Maybe long ringlets of light curls, with stormy eyes. Maybe not a girl, but a male- a miniature of him. Something that would be able to look back at Orion with those same eyes- with that same gaze- and tell him that he was their everything. A gaze that would never look away. Eyes that would never wander.

Someone to tell him that he came first.

She walks away, her attention carried back to the other children as they call her.

Those eyes find me then.

He knew I was there from the start. There was no hiding my presence from him.

The children wave goodbye, some crying at his dismissal, others clinging onto him, begging him to stay. He whispers promises to them, saying words I cannot hear into their ears that sooth their soul and ease their pain.

Without a word said I turn to the forest and walk inside, feeling his steady steps behind me.

Warmth spreads across my hand as he reaches for me. His fingers locking with my own to intertwine with each other.

“Are you feeling better?”

He pulls me closer, letting the hold he has on me be the leverage he needs to make our skins connect. I feel his hand close around my waist as our chests press. It is like we are dancing, but there is no music to our ears.

Only silence and his unanswered question.

“No.”

He frowns, worry harrowing his eyebrows as he looks down at me. I take an unsteady breath. His nostrils flare, no doubt taking in the scent of my anxiety and unease. The panic that was seeping out of me.

“Soraya?”

His forehead bends to kiss mine.

Grey cuts into me. Bleeding me dry.

“I have news.”

He waits, his eyes filling with understanding as he tries to patiently hear my words.

“I…”

Unlike with dad, the words can’t come out.

Instead, I move the hand he is holding, and press it to my abdomen.

“You feel sick?”

I shake my head.

“No, Orion- I…I’m um…”

I press tighter on his hand, hoping desperately that he can make the connection.

But this was Orion we were talking about.

“Hungry?”

“No! I’m…I’m with…You know the herbs I was taking for our- when we- they didn’t- it didn’t really- they didn’t work.”

His face goes blank.

He tilts his head to the side, and I know with muted horror, that Orion will not understand unless I rip into the words and throw them at him.

“I’m with child Orion. Your child.”

I expected a lot of reactions. I’ll admit the first reaction would be joy. I expected Orion to be overjoyed at the news. I expected him to laugh, maybe kiss me or even look excited at the prospect of being a father.

What I didn’t expect was the look of dismay shattering his face.

“Orion? Orion?”

He steps away from me. The grey eyes that I always compared to steel break. It’s not metal that they have morphed into but glass. Shattered glass that is cutting into my soul with each step he takes back.

“Oh…”

My hands are still outstretched from when we embraced. One reaching for him, the other pitifully clinging to my stomach.

I don’t know what to say. His reactions were always hard to read. Each cause had a different effect.

“You’re not…happy?”

His eyes meet mine. He looks sad. So sad. It’s a heartbreaking expression that has come over his face.

“Whatever you decide Soraya…I’ll still stay.”

“Decide?”

He nods, “for the ch-…future.”

I blink twice, my mind two steps behind whatever he is saying. I don’t know what he is whispering or why he clings to his chest like his heart is breaking- even when he says he will stay with me no matter what choice is made.

I fumble until suddenly, a reasoning for his words come into my mind.

I gasp, “Orion I’m not… It’s your child…I’m not doing anything to…I’m keeping your child.”

My last words are breathless, a sudden miraculous epiphany coming over me.

His child.

Yes.

I knew that.

It was Orion’s.

It was a part of Orion. Something good. Orion was good. Therefore, his child must be good. It had to be. Whatever evil that was in my soul would be canceled out because of Orion.

This was his child.

Before my logic could go any further- before I could voice out loud the discovery I had made- I’m off the ground.

Orion’s arms have swept me away, lifting me into the air in a moment of breathless delight as he swings me. I’ve only heard Orion laugh a handful of times.

Never something like this.

It was like the sun was coming up to be view for the first time.

Blinding.

Like the moon couldn’t stop in its need to hear the sound also, making the two celestial beings collide.

Eclipse.

Something that causes others to not want to look away- but a sound that didn’t belong on this earth from the way it moved your soul.

Orion’s laughter had that effect.

I laugh with him, throwing my arms around to complete the embrace.

“You have a pup.”

I laugh at the use of his words- something only a true wolfman would say.

“My pup.”

“Of course it’s yours.”

Like dad, Orion also wears a silly grin on his face. But unlike dad, there is something different in the way Orion raises his lips. How he presents his joy.

He doesn’t look away from me as he kisses me then. His eyes wide, open, excited.

He has always wanted this. I know he has.

Like the role of my Alpha- it was something he dreamed of and yearned for.

My heart constricted with the thought that I was able to bring such a smile to his face. I was the reason for why he laughed and whispered, “thank you.”