Chapter 49: Chapter 48

Can you remember who you were

before the world told you

who you should be?

-k.w.

There is a sighting of Vincent.

A distant pack, almost a day run away from Alba Rosa. He was closer than I thought him to be, but not close enough that led me to pursue.

“He’s not our concern.”

Henry nods his head absentmindedly, no longer as vocal as he once was. I don’t question the change that has come over him. He has no need to say much anymore. My time becomes consumed in nothing but work. Work to help the pack. Work to make it better, more efficient. More.

Work to forget.

As long as there is work in front of me, I can focus on what my goal is.

“Alpha Theon will be arriving shortly. The border patrol is escorting him here now.”

“How many did he bring?” I ask the question out of curiosity, wondering what numbers of warriors the tough male would let accompany him into ‘enemy land’

“None.”

I smile at the bold move.

“Are the females ready?”

Henry nods, “they have been informed to come to the pack house between the allotted times. We have a list laid out of all the names- if one doesn’t come forward we will know.”

I nod, but doubt such an account would be needed.

The unmated females were clawing for a chance to be a Luna. To hold something close to power. The ones who did not want such a thing were not destined to be in place of it. They were too weak to even have the drive in stepping forward.

Henry inhales deeply, a nervous sound, “here we go.”

We both straighten as the sound of the approaching vehicle.

Voices soon are head. I watch as Henry moves nervously from foot to foot, uneasy that we are not out to immediately greet him. It’s a gesture though. A sign that though he has come to us, the same cannot be said back.

“Come.”

Henry’s face paints back into its picture of nothing. We both have perfected keeping it emotionless and blank for the viewing of others.

Within these past few weeks, as I stared down the pack, they saw nothing of my cracking resolve. Just my unending drive to maintain order.

Alpha Theon has not changed. He still holds the same wild around him as-

Green eyes stare down at me, a scowl twisting his lips when Henry and I finally emerge from the front door to greet him. Just as the door opens though, another look enters his face.

I stop short, bewildered by the sudden change that has come over him.

He is blinded. Like a male who has lost his sight and now stood fumbling in darkness. He looked captivated by such a thing though. As if he had hated the sun his whole life and now found relief in the beauty of night.

“Goddess,” he inhales, eyes closing to complete the sight of the image he carries.

Henry and I both stare in silence as a single tear falls into his beard, tangling into the wild curls upon his face.

“She’s here. I can’t believe it. Goddess.”

“Your mate?” Henry sharply says, eyes darting around to see who was close by.

Alpha Theon advances one step up the porch. He nods to Henry’s question.

I want to ask questions like Henry. I want to look around also at who it could be- so quickly. He had not even been here five minutes and already the mate he had been searching for his whole life was there.

I wanted to say something.

But the words were gone from my mouth, held in place by the way his face contorted into a look of pure glory.

It took my breath away.

Had that been the face I made when I first saw my own mate?

No.

I knew the answer to that.

Poor Orion. It hits me squarely in the stomach how cruel I was.

I looked down on my mate in disgust. In fear. Like he was my abomination- my curse coming to inflict nothing but hell to my life.

It should have been the other way around.

His reaction to me upon our first meeting was correct. As he cowered and scampered back. He had a right to fear me. He held good instincts to fear me.

Relaxation falls upon Alpha Theon’s face. He is in a state of bliss that neither I nor Henry can break through. He advances up the steps, pushing past the both of us with an unseen aggression.

“Wait!”

I knew Henry’s command was useless.

My body still was numb. Still held in place by the epiphany I just had suffered from.

Vaguely I watched the male run through the pack house- not stopping toward anything- until he reached the back door.

I feel like I am floating to it. Floating to the back window as I watch him stop to stare at-

Sandra.

There is a clattering of breaking plates. Sandra had been offering mom and Grandmother a snack. It laid discarded on the floor now as the two creatures stood, still and enraptured by each others stare.

Sandra’s eyes are wide. Her face holds nothing but shock and then- she giggles.

Her giggle turns into full laughter as she runs straight to Alpha Theon.

He doesn’t hesitate.

There is no pause or break within his movements as, without thought, without question- he sweeps her into his arms, lifting her feet off the ground to represent the soaring of his own laughter.

Mom’s wide eyes stare at me in confused shock, but there is a silly grin slapped onto her face from the sight.

I step back into the shadows, unable to take in the sound of the mates who finally- at long last- have met the other half of their soul.

Soul.

I feel like I cannot breathe properly.

“Soraya,” Henry’s soft voice comes back to me, pulling me away from whatever darkness was about to close around my mind, “Leo.”

His one word rips me back to reality. My head whips back to the porch to see the scene in a new light. Leo sat there upon the back steps- tears in his own eyes. But these tears are different from the other onlookers.

No one notices him as he gets up and walks quickly away.

“No…,” my voice sounds breathless. I push past Henry, turning back to the front. My actions cross over Leo’s - intercepting him.

He keeps his head down, eyes not meeting mine. His glasses are tipping to the edge of his nose as he quickly pushes them back.

“Leo…” I can’t think. I can’t hold back what I am feeling anymore. The torment of seeing his own pain so openly on display has me pushing back the silent worries in my mind of what the pack would say if they saw- if they saw-

Without thought, I wrap him into my arms.

He stiffens, and then after a few long painful seconds, falls into me.

“I’m sorry.” His low voice, edged with a held back sob, has me choking back my own tears.

Why did I hold them back? They did nothing. They did nothing.

But I wouldn’t tell Leo that.

“Don’t be sorry.”

He shakes his head, letting it rest on my shoulder. Leo is taller than me. So much taller than me. When had it been that he grew so much taller? Had my mind always just pushed him back down to be seen forever as a child?

“I’m sorry.”

He repeats his words over and over again. Apologizing for what, I do not know.

I still hear the laughter in the back. I still can smell the edge of wonder and something else- a hint of divine from the meeting of two souls- the placement of the Moon Goddess’s plan coming together. An earthy scent of the trees and mixed in woods carried over by the wind.

I want to pull back. My body is uncomfortable with this show of comfort, but I force myself to stay. For once, I wouldn’t be the first to break this contact.

“I could have…”

Leo doesn’t finish his sentence. Instead, he pushes me back, wiping away his fallen tears. I hate seeing Leo cry. I hate seeing the ones I care for cry.

He doesn’t say another word. I watch his retreating back, knowing what the last part of his sentence would have been if he had the strength to say it- I knew because it resonated so closely in my own mind.

I could have had that.

A new sensation has taken over me. I don’t think through my actions, don’t let what the thoughts of the pack, my family – what they say take over me. I continue forward in the woods, not stopping until I see it.

The small cabin is surrounded by warmth.

A smoking chimney, lush gardens, and a beautiful walkway.

It’s something I could envision myself living in.

Sitting upon the porch to complete the picture of ease and tranquility is Schulman.

He does not look surprised by my arrival. If anything, he looks almost impatient, as if saying- it’s about time.

The thought only grows upon my nerves, reminding me of why I always found Schulman so irritating.

“Soraya. Hello.”

I stand tense at the bottom of the steps.

I had not seen Schulman since-

I wait for the emotions that I expect to come from him.

Anger. Regret. Sorrow. Mistrust. Betrayal. More anger.

Instead, he only looks down at me and smiles, pointing to the empty chair beside him.

“Have you come to join me?”

Cautiously I climb the steps to sit next to him. My body is tense, waiting any moment for his sour words to be thrown at me.

“I have lemonade in the kitchen?”

“No…thanks…”

He nods, leaning back in his chair.

I watch him, still waiting. When his anger does not come, I lash out with my own.

“Why did you leave Leo?”

Schulman’s aged face slowly turns to me, surprise hidden inside those bloodshot folds.

“Leave?”

“Don’t play stupid old man. You left him. Deserted and now you’re…” I look around the cabin, taking in the beauty of where he was.

“I didn’t leave.”

“He’s a mess.”

Sorrow flickers upon Schulman’s face- brief but there.

“He will always be a mess Soraya.”

I growl at his words, anger that I tried to push down, coming back up.

“That’s it then? He’s always going to be this…this…”

Schulman watches me struggle for words, his head leaning to rest upon his shoulder as he gives a loud sigh.

“You told me to leave.”

“Because you fucked up!”

Schulman flinches at that. His chin begins to quiver, watery eyes if possibly growing even more watery.

“I heard what happened…I’m so sorry…”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I snap. I didn’t come all the way out here to talk about that with Schulman.

He signs, shaking his head. “What happened to Orion?”

“Don’t. Talk. About. Him.”

Schulman gasps at the violent dominance that suddenly is loose over his small four words. He wheezes, a weak cough passing through him as he tried to regain his breath.

“You are starting to smell like a wolf who has lost their mate.”

“I’m warning you, Schulman.”

“What will you do? I already have no practice….I’m alone out here with no family, no mate…I rarely get visitors and on the rare occasion that I do, they yell at me.” A weary sigh leaves him, “I am tired Soraya. You would only be doing me a favor by following through with your threats.”

“You can’t leave Leo. Not him. Not now.”

Schulman laughs, a bitter sound that has me resenting, yet at the same time relating to it.

“Leo will stay the way he is because he chooses that Soraya. He chooses to be wrapped in that ball of…” it was Schulman’s turn to struggle in his search for words. His mouth quivered, jaw straining in the effort to pick something appropriate to match in what Leo was.

But he found nothing. In the end, the old wolf only shook his head, sighing again to let his shoulders fall in exhaustion.

“You will stay the way you are because you choose it.”

“What way?” The words are out of my mouth before I can think.

Unlike with Leo, Schulman immediately has an answer, “fragile.”

The chair is pushed back, flying to hit the wall of the house. Schulman gasps, his faces dangerously close to the claws that have come out of my hand from his word.

“I’m anything but that.”

“I have pointed it out to you again and again. And again and again you ignore the truth that stares right in front of you.”

I push away from him, turning to walk down the steps.

Schulman’s next words though stop me.

“I know what Vincent did.”

I freeze, a chill sweeping over me as slowly, I turn back around to face the old male.

Tears are pooled into his eyes. His body is quivering- but not from fear.

“I knew.”

“You knew…” I whisper the truth, searching for a reason on why Schulman knew.

“The day after you were found in the woods…the day you were in the clinic…that day when he came to you and talked…I heard it.”

Red leaks into my vision as Schulman shakes his head.

“You knew and yet you…”

Schulman doesn’t say a word. We both stare at each other. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that someone else knew. Someone else knew- even if it was just a fraction of the truth- what had happened that day.

“I heard what he said to you. Soraya…ever since then, I have been trying to prove that he was wrong. But you always held this fear that maybe, maybe he was r-,”

“Stop.”

I hold out my hand, air coming to fast to me as I try to regulate it. To maintain it.

“I don’t know why he said those things Soraya…Everyone fights their own demons. But I do know this- he should have never said those words to let a new demon rest upon your shoulders.”

I saw something flicker in Schulman’s eyes. A determined look that suddenly made me scared.

“Don’t.”

The words are different when whispered from another mouth. Different when the voice is not pressed to your ear, ringing in your mind- branding into your soul. But even if they sound different, the meaning is still the same. Still the same as Schulman whispers now back to me, “You are pain. You are ruin. They wish you never had been born. I was only doing them a favor. The world, the pack- father. Only a favor to get rid of such an ugly creature who covets power, and cares for nothing but herself.”

I feel the ground hit my knees. Feel the dirt swallow my face as I fall into my own darkness.

“Why?” Sobs choke my throat. “Why didn’t you do anything?”

Schulman looks visibly shaken as he stares down at me. Unlike me, he is not fighting back his tears.

“I…didn’t think you believed him. And I…I…” Schulman swallows. I realize then what he is trying to say but can’t.

Because, at that time, when Vincent whispered his words to me- Schulman believed them.

I hold my chest, trying to push back something that was starting to break inside me.

“It made no sense to me why you kept fighting for something- for the title- why you wanted it so badly.”

“My dreams made no sense to you?”

Anger is starting to replace my sorrow.

“You had to have a reason to justify something that I wanted? Does there need to be a reason behind everyone’s motive? Goddess,” I can’t help but laugh. So many people now. It was so many people now who had risen against me, questioned me, shaken their head at me.

“If it’s my dream, let it be my dream. I don’t understand you people. I don’t understand why, because it doesn’t go with your way of thinking or life, then it immediately is something that should not happen. It’s something bad- or I myself am bad.”

“Soraya, I believe you now. I see it now but back then in your youth you were…bloodthirsty and cruel.”

“Because I had to be!”

I can’t help the laughter anymore. It rings through the forest, slapping Schulman in the face.

“Not all Alpha’s are cruel,” Schulman scolds.

“Not all Alpha’s are female,” I shoot back, “and when I wasn’t hard, they tore me apart. When I showed a weakness they saw the softness that had overtaken me and used it to cut me down.”

Schulman still looks lost. I know his confusion. Why choose such a damning life. But he had already said those damning words to me- the same ones Vincent had whispered in my ears, years ago.

“Soraya,” Schulman is tired. His body is tired. He can barely get up from the chair. But I watch and wait for him as he slowly pushes himself out, slowly grabs his cane and walks down each step and stops to stand before me.

“You’re a remarkable wolf Soraya. I don’t think you’re told that enough”

A sob breaks through me. To my disbelief, Schulman somehow is able to lower himself to the ground. Somehow able to let himself be eye level with me.

“It’s okay,” he whispers the words, barely audible to my own ears, “it’s okay. No one is here. No one is around. No one can hear you Soraya. You have been hurting for so long. It’s okay now. I won’t tell anyone.”

And without thinking any further about his words, I hang my head, and let my tears fall.