Chapter 55: Chapter 54

There are those that say love should not cause pain

and I've honestly never understood this.

When you truly love someone-

be it a child, a parent, or a romantic partner -

how can you keep that emotion held at bay?

Do you not hurt when they hurt?

Does your heart not contain a chamber fashioned on their breaths?

Does your soul not long for them when they're out of your reach?

To love another with your entire being is to love their light right alongside their dark...

and sometimes there is pain found in dark.

- Alfa (Alfa_poetry)

Grandma lights different herbs, letting the scents relax me.

“Breath deeply Soraya.”

I do as she says, inhaling to let the smoke have its effect in calming me.

“Take this.”

I don’t question what it is. I just swallow the bitter pills, trying to continue breathing deeply.

Trying to ignore the rising fire that was slowly crawling up my back.

Grandma looks up towards the sky, her face smooth of emotion. She always was good at staying calm and hiding her thoughts.

“The moon is rising.”

I know what her words mean.

Sweat is forming all over my body. We both know what her words mean.

She says a quick prayer, one that I don’t partake in. I only close my eyes and lean forward, trying to continue breathing deeply- to ignore the rising pain.

“Grandma…”

“Ssshhh hush now Soraya. It will all be over in a few seconds. You just have withstand it for a few seconds."

Her words seem to prompt something within me.

Something in me snaps, the sound loud and audible. It’s so sudden that I can’t hold back the scream of pain.

“That’s normal.” I can hear the panic now in Grandma’s voice.

I can feel it rising.

Whatever was happening, was not normal.

“Feeling this pain is normal Soraya. Just a few seconds. It’s starting, but it will be over soon.”

Goddess. I was panting from the effort of holding in the pain. I couldn’t even describe what pain it was.

Not the fire. Not the fire I had been feeling these past years. Not a slamming pain- a quick one or a sharp searing kind. It was malicious. Cruel. Like it was taking my body and snapping every cord and connection inside me.

Like my arms were no longer arms.

Hands no longer hands.

I feel dirt on my skin and register that I am withering on the ground, hearing Grandma yelling above me.

All shifts are hard Soraya.

Schulman’s voice rings within my head now as whatever pain this is, descends on me.

All shifts are hard Soraya.

Especially the first.

“Atlas! Jay! Please Please!”

I feel arms wrap around me. Dad’s voice enters my ear, “I’ve got you Soraya. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“Daisy, make it stop- give her the medicine.”

It’s still dad’s voice. But it’s mine that has enough sense to scream no.

No. No.

Don’t make this stop.

Stopping a first shift was cruel. It was cruel to both the person and wolf. It was severing whatever connection that needed to be made. It was a death wish for any kind of shift afterward.

Stopping the first shift equaled stopping all shifts.

The pain was not ceasing. Only growing.

Didn’t she say a few seconds? Just a few seconds and it would be over?

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, the weak part of me that always seemed to lurk in my conscious- I thought of it ending there.

Maybe…maybe if the pain is too much, it will all go away.

It was something I had not dared dwell on within these past years as Grandjay pushed me in training for this moment.

This moment where I ultimately would fail.

To live.

My thoughts surfaced to another voice. Another conscious as it became clear and vibrant.

Don’t you want to live?

No. Not really. Not when life is so cruel. When the people you should love only hate you. And you can never trust them. Never really grow to love them like you should. When you don’t have a family to trust…a reason to love…

Love. Trust. Is this what you live for?

The voice was growing louder, becoming more dominating.

It took in whatever it saw in my mind, going through my thoughts, reading my emotions. Anger came. Such hot, white anger.

Look at how they treat us.

The voice molded with my own mind. And soon I found that I couldn’t distinguish the voice from my own. But maybe…it had belonged to me this whole time?

And soon I found that the words that had been chanted at me were words that I myself were repeating.

Look at how they treat us.

The pain suddenly stopped.

I opened my eyes to see the night sky above.

Grandma’s face comes into my view, tears staining her cheeks.

“Soraya,” she chokes on my name, falling to hug me to her.

I’m pulled up by her embrace. It takes me a few seconds to register the wind biting into my exposed skin.

“Did I…”

“You survived.”

Dad is staring down at me, his face twisted into something dark. My mind is still groggy. Still trying to keep up with the events of what has happened. It is hard to move my body. Each limb feels heavy and weighted down, but I have enough sense left in me to register his next words.

“You survived this time. But maybe not the next. Make that your last shift ever.”

I stare up at Dad, looking past him to see Grandjay.

He is looking up at the sky, squinting at the moon. Only by the dim lighting do I see a trace of a falling tear from his face.

“Soraya.”

Dad’s voice brings me back to him.

I see many emotions on him. And it hits me then that I can smell those emotions on him. I can smell them. My senses pick up on it, heightened in so many ways.

I can smell, almost taste, the sense of fear.

Such pure saturated fear.

I only grin at the weakness that has been revealed to me.

He stiffens at my exposed teeth, reading the threat it is meant to be in the gesture.

Look at how they treat us.

“I want to be Alpha.”

I hear their audible gasps of shock as I pull away and stand, rising on shaking legs to brace the full moon ahead of me.

Never let them treat us like that again.

Three rings.

It takes three rings before someone picks up.

It’s the last person I expect to pick up the phone though.

“Alba Rosa Pack.”

“…Leo?”

“Soraya?”

We both pause, unable to think of what to say next.

“I um… I’m calling- Is dad there? Why are you on the office phone?”

I wait several seconds but still hear nothing.

“Leo. Leo hello?”

“Ya I… Goddess Soraya…Where have you been?”

“I’m still at the pack like I said I would be- Remember I went with Rex-“

“Who?”

“-the one who came to the pack.”

“Oh….”

Another painful silence comes between us. I look around, glad now that I had sent Orion and Rex away before I made the call. Somehow, I knew it wouldn’t be simple or brief.

“Just put Dad on the phone.”

“I can’t.”

“Leo I know he’s mad but-,”

“Mad?”

I hear Leo laugh on the other end. It’s a bitter laughter. One that makes my chest grow tighter as I cling to the phone and listen to it.

“I don’t know Soraya. You abandoned the pack. Left it here to fall. We don’t hear from you for almost two weeks and now you suddenly call?”

“Leo let me explain.”

“Okay.”

I stop short, thrown off at his willingness to listen to me.

“Tell me Soraya.”

I sit on the ground- right there in the land that Rex said was now mine. I sit there and let my head fall to my free hand as I hold the phone to my ear, taking in the way Leo tried to hide the pain from his voice.

“I’m not the Alpha of Alba Rosa anymore.”

“No.”

“What happened after I left Leo?”

“It went to hell.” I finch from his tone. The words that are whispered. They were words that should have been shouted.

“Everything shattered. How long do you think a pack of this size lasts without an Alpha? Do you know Soraya? I found out. It lasts three hours. Three hours before it completely dismantles and falls apart. Henry didn’t know what to do- you left no orders! Dad couldn’t do anything, neither could Grandjay! After all who wants Alpha’s that have already had their chance and passed it on it someone who abandoned them?”

“Leo. Whose Alpha now.”

“It was chaos Soraya. Just…madness. Some wanted to hunt you down. Others were fighting for the position. They were fighting and…and just…they were killing each other, dividing against one another- packs shouldn’t- they shouldn’t do that…”

“No, they shouldn’t” my eyes feel oddly dry. Oddly dry as I listen to Leo’s growing sobs on the other end of the phone.

“I had no choice. They gave me no choice. You left me.”

His words cause me to break whatever barrier is within me.

And soon, we are both shedding tears. I still do not have my answer. But part of me already knows.

“Rhett became my beta. They…they voted me in you could say. It was by their choice that I became the…the Alpha.”

“You’re the Alpha of Alba Rosa.”

There is a long silence. A deep inhale and exhale of air.

“Yes. I’m Alpha of the Alba Rosa Pack.”

The shock of it still hits me. So much has changed. And he was right.

I had left him.

I had abandoned him.

“Leo I’m so-“

“Don’t apologize when there’s nothing you can do to fix it.”

I cut off my words, falling silent.

“It won’t last long.” That same bitter laughter follows behind him.

“They know I don’t have a mate- no mate means no Luna and no Luna…no future for the pack. I guess the legacy of our family being Alpha’s of the Alba Rosa ends with me.”

“No Leo, don’t-,”

“Be realistic please for once in your life Soraya. You and I both know I’m not an Alpha. I don’t want this. I never wanted this. This was always you and…”

Vincent.

Neither of us can say the name to finish the sentence.

“Where’s dad?”

“Gone.”

Panic rises in me, “Gone, what do you mean-,”

“He and mom left. I don’t know Soraya. A few days after I became the Alpha I wake up to find their car gone, mom’s paint supplies missing and a note saying they were going to travel and explore.”

“They left you!”

“Everyone leaves me,” he replies.

I can’t stop the tears from falling.

“Leo, I’ll come back. I’ll come back right this second and you don’t have to do any of this I’ll-,”

“Soraya. Stop. Stop. It’s fine that they left. They needed that. I think…I think dad needed to be away from the pack. Goddess, he’s lived his whole life under this shadow…Have you ever seen him look at mom? Like I mean, just her? Not with the title of Luna or the pack or anything surrounding them?”

I didn’t know what Leo meant. I stay silent, not knowing what answer to give him as he talks to himself.

“Maybe when they were younger he did…but I can never remember a time when dad just looked at mom and…it was just them. She’s been strong too long for him, and I think he’s been ignoring her and putting the pack above anything else. They need this. So no…I’m not angry that they left.”

“Are you angry that I left?”

A long sigh follows my words.

“Everyone leaves Soraya. It’s just a fact of life.”

I trace the grass with my hands, closing my eyes to the touch. The sun hits my face. The warmth of it spreading across my skin. But Leo’s words only make me feel cold inside.

“I made you believe that.”

“Maybe.”

“What about your work as a doctor? You wanted to save lives…you wanted to heal…”

“There are different ways to heal people Soraya.”

I feel something choking my throat. This was not the call I wanted. This was not the call I was expecting. I was hoping for dad. For him to yell at me, and make me feel righteous in my decision. Now only doubt and confusion plagued me. Now only Leo’s voice, and the cold, emotionless tone to it, was left for me to hear.

“Leo, if you tell me to, I’ll come back.”

“I told you to not leave, but you still did.”

I clench my teeth at his truth.

“I told her to wait for me that day…but she didn’t…”

He exhales deeply, sobs choking his voice, “I told Schulman to not go, but he still did. I told Vincent to not leave, but he still left. I told them all. I told them all that if they stayed I would never leave. That if they let me care for them, be with them, love them- if they gave me that chance, they would never want to leave in the first place.”

A shakey exhaled breath comes through the phone. I realize then that I am curled up on the ground. The long grass hides me from view.

“Soraya, just do what will make you happy. I think the world already has enough unhappy people in it. There’s no use in making more by forcing you to come back.”

He pauses before asking, “are you happy there?”

“I’m…I feel accepted here.”

“Then stay there.”

“And you?”

“Maybe I’ll find it. A place that makes me feel like that.”

“I can’t hang up leaving us like this Leo. No matter what you’re still…You’re still my brother…”

He laughs, and somewhere in that laughter, I can hear the Leo that once could smile without there being tears to accompany such a thing.

“Did you ever notice this little moon on the drawer handle of the desk?”

I smile at the change in conversation.

“Yes. I noticed it the first day I sat on the other side of that desk. I always assumed mom drew it.”

“I can’t see it. Mom drawing on furniture. I wonder if dad was mad…”

“If it was mom…I doubt it…”

Leo and I both laugh, the sound slowly fading away as we stare at our own reality.

“You won’t come back.”

It’s not a question.

“No.”

“I know. I still had to ask. Tell Orion I said hello-,”

I hear a shuffling of sounds on the other side. And then a new voice is heard.

“Soraya,” Grandjay’s voice is thick with emotion as he tries to clear it away, “how have you been?”

I smile at his question, “good Grandjay.”

“Grandma is here also. We both want to talk to you…and- Uncle Mark will be here in a second. Mind if we put you on speaker?”

I curl up more within the grass, closing my eyes to the feel of the sunlight.

“Sure Grandjay. Go ahead.”

I hear Orion before he finds me.

The small shuffling noises of him searching the area, his nose inhaling deeply, my smell leading him to me. He finds me still curled within the folds of the grass, staring at the falling sun.

He sits there, his ears curling down as a low whine escapes his throat.

I don’t say anything. Instead, I only reach for his fur, stroking it to encourage him to move closer and curl beside my back.

More silence consumes us until I hear the familiar sound of him shifting. I turn around to face skin. To look into deep grey eyes.

He says nothing. Only wraps his arms around me in an embrace that I needed.

And then I retell him every detail that happened within the phone call.

He doesn’t say a word. He never interrupts and only listens patiently as I get each word out through my shaky breaths. Occasionally his hand rises to wipe away my tears. To smooth down my hair. Occasionally he leans forward to kiss my forehead. My cheeks. My neck- and mate mark.

And then at the end, when I have nothing left to say, he sighs and lets our foreheads collide to connect skin to skin.

“Life is complicated.”

I laugh at his statement, the sound shaky and rough to my ears.

“It can be easy.”

He smiles and looks up at me.

“I know.”

I look out into the woods, taking in the forest that outlined the houses of the pack.

He and I both knew that life could be simple.

“Do you really want this?”

My eyes fall back on Orion, taking in the serious look that has come over his face.

I sigh, closing my eyes to absorb his question, before opening them to the truth.

“My whole life Orion, I have only wanted to be accepted. To be acknowledged. But the irony is- whenever someone does accept me, or show me some sort of…whenever someone does, I push them away. I don’t know why. I never could figure out why. Maybe because I didn’t want their attention if I already had it. Maybe because I wanted the eyes that would never look at me, too for once stay focused on my face?”

Orion’s eyes never have left my own face as he takes in my truth.

“And I was scared when I met you because you…you…”

He slowly wipes away a falling tear. I see something brimming in his own eyes as I clear my throat and try to continue on, try to for once, unbury my sins and darkest thoughts so that this male before me would know every evil I had inside.

“To get that acknowledgment I thought I needed more. More and more and more- to be liked, loved. To be above those, so that when they looked at me it wasn’t peering down in disgust but looking up in awe. And I thought I needed this from life, but when I met you…you scared me because you were willing to give up everything. All of it- for me. You put it all aside. Your hopes, dreams, desires. You gave them away for me. And that kind of love…it still scares me because after a while I realized that I would give it all up for you. This,” I motion to the ground we laid on. The sky above us. The surroundings that enclosed our bodies. “I would give it all up also. But…” My words fall softly from my mouth as I look away ashamed, “that doesn’t mean that I want to.”

“Soraya.”

I look up to find Orion shaking his head.

“You over analyzed this. It’s simple. You’re wrong when you said I gave away everything for you.” He kisses my lips, soft and slowly, making my head spin just enough to forget his words as he pulls away and smiles, “you are my hope. You are my dream. And you are my desire. I didn’t put anything aside for you. I just want you.”

“Soren…”

He freezes at the word.

Pain flashes in his eyes, there and gone- enough though to make me flinch.

“All I need is you. When will you realize this?”

I shake my head, feeling frustration rise in me.

“I’m so cruel to you sometimes and I caused you so much pain- I don’t ever want to so you need to let me know now if I am. I’m following you. I’m following what you want, and what you need. We tried it my way and it only lead to…”

He leans back against the grass, sighing again at my words.

“I don’t know what the future will bring Soraya. But you can’t stop pain. When it comes, it will come. And you live with it and fight so you can see the next day.”

His words chill me at the grim truth to it.

There was no more sweetness in his thoughts. No more declarations of who was who, and what they meant. How our hearts were one, and our souls had been merged enough that we never really could be separated.

This was how Orion and I best communicated.

With the reality around us.

It was how Orion communicated. How the wolf lived his life.

The nights were long and tough. They were filled with darkness. There was no use in crying over such a thing. It would always be there. There would always be the past to haunt us. The future to stare ahead.

It was the way of the wolf though, to learn from such, take it into their minds, and use it to survive.

I smile at Orion, finally realizing what he had been trying to tell me- maybe from the start.

I had been consumed in the details of life. In how each thing would affect me. Him. My family. How it would all play out and what the end result would be.

The wolf didn’t wonder when the moon would rise. It didn’t sit there waiting for the arrival of dawn. It carried on its life. It moved on.

I wanted to point out to Orion that we were not all animals. We lived and breathed the emotions of our souls through skin.

But looking at Orion now- I think a part of me already knew that he was aware of this.

Instead, I only took his face within my hands, studying the details of it. He, in turn, took me in, a thoughtful expression showing on his face.

“I will be Alpha of this pack.”

He smiles, “can I be your Luna?”

I lean forward and kiss the mate mark upon his shoulder.

“Of course."