Chapter 58: Chapter 57

Strange how we

decorate pain

-Margarete Atwood

“You’re overworking yourself again.”

I smile at Orion as he approaches the table, he leans forward, kissing the top of my head. I look up to see that he is not staring at me but the window looking outside.

The sounds are all mixed together. Laughter can be heard.

Rex told me last week that it had been a while that such a noise could be heard within this pack.

Thank you, Soraya.

“I’m fine.”

Orion turns back to smile at me.

I reach for the plate of eggs, spooning them onto my plate.

“How is the school coming?”

Orion is silent. It’s a long enough pause to make me look up to see him. He is still staring out the window. I smile.

“Orion.”

He turns to me, eyes half dazed as if he had been pulled out of a trance.

“Mmmh?”

“Do you know how the school is coming?”

A smile lights up his face. It takes my breath away. I cannot stop the small gasp that leaves me, but he doesn’t notice as he leans forward to put his mouth closer to my ear- to tell me in his excited voice all the progress that his happening.

I take in his words, savoring them. It’s been several days since I’ve seen him. He rises earlier than me now and comes in later. It started several weeks back when one day, he detached from me as I was talking to Rex, and began playing with the children.

Rex asked no questions as I excused myself. He said nothing as I walked quietly into the house and cried. No one saw me.

And since then Orion’s been lost to me in the construction and efforts of building a school for the children. A nursery for the young. A system of education and safety for them.

If I had to lose Orion to anything, then I’m glad it’s this. Glad that it’s for something that makes him smile the way it does now.

He tells me of the progress, and that he’s delayed too much here- that he has to go now.

“But you haven’t eaten yet.”

He only smiles and walks out, the smile on his face bigger than I have ever seen it.

It’s my turn now to face the window and look out it. To watch him walk away.

“And you worry that I overwork…”

A feeling of peace spreads over me. But it’s soon shattered by the lurking shadow that I knew was listening in the corner.

“When will you tell him?”

I can barely hear the small whisper. I turn to the doorway. This was how I knew Orion was so focused on his work- because he didn’t even register the other presence in the room.

“Soon.”

The shadow shifts uneasily on his feet. I watch as he crawls further in the room, an uneasy tension sitting on his shoulders.

“You should…eat more…”

Bram comes fully into the kitchen’s light now. His eyes stare unfocused on anything around. They are slightly off from where I sit.

“How do you know how much I eat?”

Bram shrugs, “eggs…you chew three times per bite of egg. You’ve only chewed an average of 13 now. You need more. I heard you last night. How sick you were.”

I look down at the table and the half eaten plate. It didn’t matter if I was looking at Bram or not.

“Rex is out right now. Do you want me to get him?”

“No…” Bram shrinks more into himself, the action only causing me to turn and watch him closely as he slowly approaches the table.

“Would you…?”

I lean forward, filling a plate with eggs before setting it in front of the seat beside me.

“Thank you.”

He reaches his hand forward, feeling for the chair before pulling it out and sitting at the table.

I hand him a fork, watching as he slowly starts to eat.

“You should tell him.”

“I will.”

“Why haven’t you already.”

“Reasons.”

Bram pauses. “I thought he out of all people would be happy about it.”

I continue to watch Bram eat. He had a way of making himself seem smaller than he really was. Of folding his body inward to appear less.

“You’re the only one that knows.”

“Because I can hear you,” he turns to stare at me, his unfocused gaze still an inch off from where my face was.

“Does it bother you?”

Bram makes a face that tells me it does.

“Sorry,” I mutter.

He chews thoughtfully.

I sit back in my own chair, feeling a sense of routine come over me. At Alba Rosa, the pack seemed to be built on the reliance of the Alpha. Every decision had to be made by the Alpha.

Do you know how long a pack of this size lasts? Leo’s words come back to my mind.

Maybe it was because the Contritum pack was smaller. Maybe that was why I felt more at peace- had more time to visit with the members, to sit and eat breakfast.

Maybe it was because of people like Orion. Like Rex. There were other members too, who took various duties upon their shoulders and didn’t want any assistance with it. They only had the desire to be told what to do, to help in any way.

The contrast seemed too vast for me to comprehend.

The result were mornings like this, sitting with Bram in either silence or uncomfortable conversation.

“Do most females get ill like that?” His curiosity is innocent.

I smile at it.

“I do. I don’t know about others.”

He stills at my words. I do too, realizing my mistake as soon as he voices it out loud.

“So it’s not your first time.”

My silence speaks for itself as he stares at nothing and whispers, “I see.”

I want to laugh at his ill-humored joke, but hold back.

He continues eating, only stopping once to whisper that I needed to eat more, before continuing.

“Do you want to go outside with me?”

I pause at the doorway. I asked him the same question whenever I left. He gave the same answer.

“No. Inside, outside. It doesn’t matter. It’s all the same.”

It surprised me the first time I heard it. Maybe because there was no bitterness in his tone. An answer that should have been loaded with such sorrow was only delivered with in a flat, truthful tone.

Rex never tried like I did.

I marveled at how easily he gave up and just let Bram stay within the house, creeping like a shadow. But soon, within our mornings together, I started to realize why.

I only sighed back at him before walking out the door.

The morning with Bram always made me uneasy.

When are you going to tell him?

I close my eyes against the sudden sunlight, letting them adjust for a few seconds.

When?

Never?

Could the answer be never?

Could this all just go away like a bad dream?

Bram knew. But he had to be the only one.

What if others find out?

I slowly open my eyes, feeling a panic rise in me.

No. I wanted to go back in the house and explain it to him.

No Bram, I’m not being a coward. It’s the opposite really. I would be a coward if I told them. They would come for me then. They would hunt me. Destroy what I had built. What I had worked for.

No.

I can’t tell them.

Rex’s words come back to me. His promise of change. Of positions being given through value and desire of the pack. Not bloodshed. Not fighting.

It’s different, I think. It’s different now.

But my chest seizes when I think of the truth.

I can’t let them know.

The darkness inside me hisses that they will know soon anyway.

The pack may not fight, but the world outside did.

I sigh deeply, inhaling the air that I had adjusted to. The air that I had fought to be able to breathe.

Just a few more moments. Let me just have a few more moments of this selfish peace before hell comes crashing into our souls again.

I wait for the moment to come. I wait for it with a peace that I didn’t know I possessed.

Rex notices, but he doesn’t notice the thing I fear.

“Are you planning on going somewhere?”

He stands in the doorway, arms crossed as he watches me work.

“No.”

His eyes narrow. I wonder, for a brief, panicked second, if Bram told him. But then Rex shakes his head and sits in the chair across from me.

“You just seem to be planning ahead for a lot of things. The planting of next seasons, finance for the next three years…even the contacts that should be made for different packs concerning improvements and connections.”

I don’t meet Rex’s eyes. I knew now that because of Bram, Rex was very good at sensing emotions. He was hyper aware of them and felt them as if they were his own. I thought he had been ignorant to them at first, but the truth was, Rex had to have a filter in some way to what should and should not be noticed. I turn my chair so that my angle slightly faced away from his body as I shake my head.

“I’m just being prepared.”

“This seems a little too prepared.” He picks up a nearby paper, shaking his head at the plans for a new clinic that I was trying to build, doctors we could get to come to the pack, or members we could send to others for training.

“We don’t have to try and tackle this all at once Alpha. Let’s just take it step by step.”

I nod. He watches me, eyes fixated on something before shrugging and standing to walk out.

“Rex…” he stops at the doorway to turn back.

“…Thank you for finding me.”

His eyes widen. I can see the concern in them now. Maybe I went too far. Maybe I shouldn’t have said such odd, out of character words- but I need him to hear them.

“What’s wrong Soraya?”

The use of my name startles me. But I only smile at him.

“Nothing. I’m fine Rex.”

My words seem to convey something to him. He looks down, a flash of pain showing in his eyes before he’s gone from my sight.

It doesn’t come with words.

Poor Orion.

Observant in so many things, but like a child when it comes to others.

He startles me out of my concentration as he walks into our room, a smile on his face.

“Our house is almost done.”

That makes me smile.

Our house.

Something that was ours.

“You’re back early.”

“I wanted to surprise you. And I wanted to tell you that the house will be ready by next week. Then we can finally get away from here.” He makes a face that causes me to laugh.

Orion and Rex were constantly hitting heads. But the real reason was Bram. Orion became uneasy whenever he was around him. He admitted to me that he didn’t know how I was able to be in the same room with him for so long.

He reminds me too much of how I use to be.

Whenever Orion said those words, I always wanted to point out that maybe that was why I noticed Bram in the first place.

He moves forward, wrapping his arms around me. I lean against him, realizing now that it had been a while, so long actually, since Orion and I had any physical contact. He was always out- always working.

He tenses, his body going still. It causes me to freeze with him as he pulls away.

That’s when I know what he feels. The noticeable roundness in my stomach. The curve that is now there. It wasn’t like last time when nothing was seen. Now my body was changing before me.

Orion pulls back, his eyes clouding over with an unreadable expression.

“Orion…I can explain…”

I couldn’t. I couldn’t explain it. The words stuck in my throat.

His head turns to the side, examining me.

“Soraya…” He shakes his head sadly, “you should not have accepted all those cakes.”

My mind goes blank.

“What?”

“Rex told me it was a way pack members wanted to show their appreciation, but really,” his voice takes on a scolding tone that I’ve heard him use on a child once, “How many did they give you?”

“You…you…” I feel heat crawl up my skin, “how…how could you…”

“I don’t care either way,” he leans forward, nuzzling on my shoulder.

I push him back, “You think I’m fat?”

I see the panic in his eyes, “I never said that…”

“You implied it.”

“You assumed that I implied it with my words on your own.”

“I- what?”

Orion nods wisely at me, a grave look coming over him as he pats my head.

“You deserve to eat all the cake in the world. Don’t feel bad.”

I push his hand aside. Out of all the scenarios, I never imagined this.

“I’m not fat!”

“I know, I didn’t say you were.”

“I…You…”

I growl with a useless effort, glad for Orion’s sake that I was unable to shift in this moment.

Without warning I raise my shirt, lifting the hem to reveal underneath.

“I’m pregnant you dumb ass!”

I glare at him ready to shout more words but stop short at the wide-eyed shock on Orion’s face.

“Orion?”

No response.

“Orion?” futilely I wave my hand in front of him.

Panic comes in then.

I shouldn’t have done that.

“Orion,” I shake his shoulders. “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner. Orion?”

He only stares down at me, his expression not blinking at all since I yelled my words at him

Slowly he sinks to the floor, his eyes still wide and blank as he stares listlessly down at his hands. I fall to my knees in front of him, grabbing his fingers and letting one of my hands rest on his cheek to pulls his eyes up to me.

I didn’t know what to say. So many questions were brimming on my tongue. I wanted to be gentle when I told him. I didn’t want to tell him. I wanted him to never find out, I wanted him to come to the conclusion on his own.

But not this.

My temper had taken me away again.

I stare at him, watching and waiting for some process of emotion or understanding to pass his face, but it still remains void of anything. Finally, I break, unable to take the silence.

“Please. I can’t stand this. What are you thinking right now?”

He looks up at me, his eyes showing me clearly what he felt. What I had been feeling growing inside me these past few weeks.

Fear.

Such raw, terrorizing fear.

Without a word his arms wrap around me, his fingers clinging to me in a possessive manner that lets me know instinctively that he won’t let go. Not tonight.

I do what he wants. I crawl within his lap, letting his scent, his warmth, come over me as I breathe it in deeply. Exhale the sudden release I feel from having him close to me.

“You should have told me.”

It’s all he says. There is no anger in his words. Nothing that tells me he is furious with what I’ve kept from him.

All I feel are his lips kissing my temples, my cheeks, my eyelids, and nose.

“You should have told me.”

He continues whispering his words, over and over. I feel tears threatening to come out. Feel the rawness of my emotion about to unleash. But he softly kisses that away to, whispering closely for only me to hear-, “I’m here. I’m here now. You should have told me. But I’m here now Soraya.”