I wake up to see Elroy standing over me. There's a terrified look on his face, as if he's looking at something that he'll never unsee.
"My dick," I scream.
"Yeah, it looks pretty messed up."
There's an echo of pain where my dick is, but mostly it feels numb. I look down at my crotch and see that the Extender 2 is right where I left it.
"Get that thing off my dick!" I shout.
"I tried," Elroy says. "It's stuck."
Elroy rips the sheet off my bed and says, "Come on, I know someone who can fix this. But we have to hurry."
So, Elroy helps me up and I wrap myself in my bed sheet, which features a picture of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.
It's not easy crab-walking to Elroy's SUV, what with the sheet around my lower body and the Extender 2 clamped around my dick, but somehow I manage.
A second later, I'm in Elroy's SUV and we're speeding down the road toward...
"Where are we going?" I ask. "A hospital will call my parents."
"I know someone," Elroy says. "Don't worry."
Don't worry!? My entire existence is worrying. The only difference is that up until about an hour ago, I was worried that I'd never have a big enough penis. Now, my only worry is whether or not I'll have a penis at all.
As it turns out, Elroy's someone is about fifteen minutes away. I probably pass out a few times, because I don't remember everything. But somehow I end up on a futon inside an apartment.
Against one wall of the apartment is a bookcase built out of cinder blocks and wooden boards. Against the other wall is a recliner chair that looks like someone pulled it out of a dumpster. Standing in the center of the room is a pretty woman wearing yoga pants and a University of Texas t-shirt.
"This is my sister, Judy," Elroy says. "She's a doctor."
"Med student," Judy corrects.
"Can you save his penis, or not, Judy?"
Suddenly, Judy whirls around and points her finger in Elroy's face.
"Listen up, Elroy, the only reason I'm not telling Mom and Dad is because you covered for me last Christmas," she says. "But our circle of trust doesn't extend to the authorities. And whatever sisterly favors you think I owe you don't include fixing your friend's broken dick. You can't just show up unannounced. I could've had a friend here."
"She means a woman," Elroy says in my direction. "Judy is a lesbian. Except Mom and Dad don't know. They still think she's going to marry Spencer Cogswell."
Both Elroy and Judy shudder at the mention of Spencer Cogswell - whoever he is.
"There," Elroy says. "Now, Peter is part of the circle of trust. Which means, you have to fix is dick."
Judy grumbles about families being stupid as she walks over to the bookshelf and fetches a black doctor's bag.
"I'll do what I can," Judy says. "But if I think he needs to go the emergency room, we're taking him. No questions, no arguments. The first rule of medicine is do no harm."
"I thought it was don't talk about medicine," Elroy says.
"No, that's Fight Club."
Judy stands over me and looks down at the sheet.
"You mind if we lose Captain Kirk?" she asks.
"Who?" I groan.
"Whatever," she says. "I was never a big Star Trek fan anyway."
With the sweep of her arm, Judy pulls away my Han Solo bed sheet. For some reason, all I can think about is the fact that the person looking at my penis doesn't know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. This bothers me. A lot. To put myself in the doctor's shoes - I mean medical student's shoes - it would be like me looking at her, naked from the waste down, and saying penises and vaginas are the same thing. Well, they aren't. Not even close. Which is why there's a world of difference between Captain James T. Kirk, of Star Trek, and Captain, later General, Han Solo, of Star Wars.
But apparently, Judy isn't as up to speed on nerd culture as she is on medicine. And I guess I should be grateful for that. Because she doesn't scream or freak out when she sees the Extender 2 clamped down on my blue-purple dick. Instead, she simply asks, "What do we have here?"
Through gritted teeth, I explain the basic concept of the Extender 2, and how my dick is stuck in it because the crank won't budge.
"How long ago did this happen?" she asks.
"About an hour," I say. "Maybe forty-five minutes."
"OK," Judy says. "Elroy get me a pair of scissors from the kitchen."
"Um, don't you want a scalpel, or something cool from your bag."
"Scissors - stat!"
"She just finished an ER rotation, and now she thinks she's George Clooney."
"I don't watch ER, I watch Grey's," Judy says. "You know this."
Elroy returns with the scissors and hands them to Judy.
Judy opens the scissors, and my eyes focus on the blades.
The sharp blades.
The sharp blades heading toward my penis!
"Wait! What are you going to--"
Then I hear the snap of the scissors - once, then once again. I'm afraid to open my eyes, afraid that Judy has amputated my dick with a pair of scissors. But then I feel an intense rush of relief in my penis, and I know it's still there. So, I open my eyes and see that Judy has cut the cords of the Extender 2.
My penis is free!
And it's starting to return to its normal color.
Suddenly, Judy pushes a package of frozen vegetables onto my crotch.
"This will help with the swelling," she says.
Swelling!? I could use some swelling down there.
"You probably just strained the tendons," she says. "The penis is surprisingly durable. It's mostly tendons. No real bones to speak of, so breaks - really just a euphemism for ruptured tendons - are pretty rare."
"That's great news!" Elroy beams.
"It could've been worse," Judy says. "Another hour and some of the tissue would've started to die off from loss of blood. You're lucky, Peter. That thing around your penis--"
"The Extender 2."
"Yeah, whatever you call it," Judy continues. "It basically formed a tourniquet that cut off blood flow to your penis. That's why it was turning blue-purple. But it wasn't a very good tourniquet. That's why you're lucky."
Without asking, Judy lifts the frozen package of vegetables off my crotch and says, "coloring is coming back. And it doesn't look like there's any swelling at all."
That last part stings. And before Judy can put the frozen vegetables back on my crotch, I notice two things. First, my penis is the exact same size. Second, the frozen vegetables just happen to be baby carrots. Judy says I'm a lucky guy, but I'm pretty sure she means I have an abundance of bad luck.
"It should be fine in a couple of days," Judy says. "If not, you need to go to a doctor. A licensed doctor, not a medical student."
Judy looks at Elroy, willing him to agree to her terms. Eventually, Elroy concedes with a nod.
"But there's just one other thing," Judy says. "We need to talk about why you put that contraption on your penis in the first place."
"We?" I ask.
"That's right," she says. "You and me."
Suddenly, it occurs to me that while everyone at school has seen my tiny dick, I've only confided my deepest fears about my dick to Elroy. But here I am in a strange apartment, my dick throbbing from a terrible accident, a bag of frozen baby carrots on my crotch, and a medical student wants to know my most personal fears.
"Peter," she says, "I'm a medical professional, or at least I will be in less than a year, so there's nothing you can say that will shock me. And if you're worried or nervous about the hole penis thing, don't be. For one thing, after four years of medical school, the human body isn't all that mysterious to me. For another thing, as Elroy mentioned, even though it was kind of a dick- I mean jerk move at the time, I am a lesbian. So I really don't care about your penis, or any penis for that matter, unless it's in a clinical context."
I look over at Elroy. He's got that look on his face that he had when Nick Spears was grinding my face into my locker.
"Isn't it obvious?" I ask.
"How's that?" Judy asks.
"I want a bigger penis. First, I tried this magic potion Elroy made."
"Scientific potion," Elroy says.
"But that didn't work."
"It did work," Elroy says. "It was working."
"So I tried the Extender 2."
"Which was a mistake that almost cost you your dick," Elroy says.
Elroy and I trade accusations. He's team Chub Potion Number Nine 2.0. I'm team Extender 2. Neither one of us has a leg to stand on, of course. Elroy's potion didn't work. And my solution nearly cost me my dick, and the truth is I'd rather have a tiny dick than no dick at all. But logic, or really the lack of logic, doesn't stop us from bickering. We've been working on Project Bigger Dick for a while now, and with little - OK, nothing - to show for it, I suppose it's only natural that frustrations boil over.
But eventually, Judy puts an end to the bickering with a dramatic sigh.
"Boys and their toys," she says. "It's a wonder the male member of the species has managed to survive this long."
Elroy and I both turn to her.
"What I just heard from the two of you was a lot of bullshit," Judy says. "Especially from you, Elroy. So listen up, and listen good. You two aren't leaving here, until you tell your friend Peter the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, about your experiment."
"The truth," I says. "What do you mean? Elroy had a formula to make my dick bigger. Well, he said it would make my dick bigger."
"And did it?" Judy asks.
"Well..."
"Elroy's experiment wasn't about making your dick bigger, Peter. It was about making you feel like you had a bigger dick."
"I don't understand."
"Your penis wasn't the experiment," Judy says. "You were."
I look over at Elroy. His eyes are fixed on the floor.
"Elroy, it's time to tell your friend the truth," Judy says. "He almost lost his penis to a lie."
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