LEIGH
"Who was that?" I asked Claire. She had been talking on the phone since we got off the minivan.
"My mom, she said my father came over, and he wants to talk with me." She quietly said while we were around the pedestrian promenade, walking side by side behind dad, Susan, and an enthusiastic Julian, snapping pictures with his phone.
"There's a phone these days. He can call." I point out.
"That's what I say."
Over the past year, I have learned a lot about Claire, just as she does me. Last year Thanksgiving, I spent with her family, just like she followed me here this summer. That man who wanted to talk now had been nothing but a drunk; he walked out on his family when his situation only became worst, it was rough at first, but eventually, things shifted after he departed. His younger brother married Claire's mother and provided them with the affection his brother failed to.
"So?"
I heard her respire loudly. When I looked over at her, she was already looking at me.
"She insisted, I should hear him out."
In her eyes, there was uncertainty, but I couldn't ignore the whiff of air around us that hinted at her wanting to see him; he is her father anyway.
"So when are you leaving?" I let it slid and put on a small smile to soften her contorted expression.
"Tomorrow maybe." She replied and looked away.
If she thinks I will judge her for wanting to see her father, she is mistaken. I, of all people, know what is offensive and what is not. I know wanting Ava, when damn well I am conscious of the wreckage coming with it, is highly offensive to my family, but Claire missing her father? It's nothing violating. If anything, it's a human tendency. At some point, we are all inclined to miss something that made us. Something we are connected to no matter how much we thought we could fight it.
When I didn't say anything, she looked up, and her attempt to smile failed. I put my arm over her shoulder and pulled her to my side.
"We are supposed to celebrate the fourth of July,"
I spoke after some while of awkward muteness.
"Hike and stuff." She playfully remarked.
"Yes, Hike and stuff." I chuckled just as we began walking up the flight of stairs that guide to the launch tower parallel to each other. "Probably, next time."
"Yes." She agrees. "And I am taking Julian with me."
"Claire?" I stop and move to the side to grant others enough passage.
"No! He is not staying." She glances over my shoulder at where he was standing. "I am not leaving you with him."
"Stop behaving like I am some addict-" I stopped mid-sentence when my eyes locked on an older couple with a revulsive expression at my utterance. We quietly waited until they walked away. I anxiously observed around the surrounding, with my thumbs in my pockets. I bet I look suspicious.
When there is no one coming, I lean in and continue, this time my voice a little cautious. "An addict who can't take care of myself."
"That's the point. I am taking him from you so that you can take care of yourself." She protests at equal voice volume.
My brows pulled together.
"What does that mean?"
"You don't get it. Do you?" She scoffs and shakes her head. "It's been a couple of days, but Leigh, if there's anything I've learned, it is that everyone around here has hope in you. Your father? Your people, Ava? What happened to going professional and making her legally yours?" The urge to drop my eyes from her accusing ones was overpowering. I clenched my jaw at her reminder.
"Letting Julian pills manipulate you, how will you achieve all those things?" She asked. I can feel her intense gaze confusedly darted at me.
"Julian, he is a temporary teammate on the same journey as you are, only you're the star quarterback, the freshman who made captain on the second week of college, bypassing all the seniors that had been on the team for years, you are the gold of Princeton, they all know it; I am not saying he has bad intentions, but they will try, all of them would. In case you are blind, no one will say no if offered what you have. And that is what makes us humans; we have emotions and envy, is among those feelings. It is real and intractable. So be careful who you trust." She was panting when she finished. I had to look over to her to make sure she was okay.
"I am not taking anything. I told you that." That isn't a lie but also not the truth. Well, so far, I've stayed guided on the prescribed anxiety pills, but I have a heap of Julian's supplies somewhere in my room, which I try not to use.
She blew out a breath, and her face softened.
"I am just saying; she is here now; you are too. Rather than running away from the pain, face it. It won't kill you, and if you survive, things will be normal. Isn't that what you want?"
It is everything I have ever wanted ever since the past years.
"Ava, what do you think? Zipline? Zoomline?" Susan's voice snapped through before I could respond, and we turned in her direction immediately.
She was approaching us, and behind her was Julian, looking white as though he would pass out.
"God, I can't do this. My legs are trembling." He halts, blowing shaky breaths, and stoops, resting his hands on his knees for balance.
"Ava?" I called, looking at the stairs, for the two girls that were supposed to be right behind Claire and me.
"Hey, where is Ava?" It was dad's voice this time. When I looked over to him, he was brazenly staring into Susan's eyes, looking for answers.
"They should be behind. She is with Lilith." I answered, saving the woman from the tension and heading over to descend the staircase.
Claire followed behind me and grabbed my arm.
"Hey, promise me you will try?"
Well, first, let's find her.
"Is not like I have any option other than wanting her." I shrugged sarcastically just as my probing gaze found my little sister, alone, walking up the last stairs.
Her face flushed, pupils huge, her laced fingers shaking.
Lilith isn't the kind that gets this fazed easily. What did she do?
"Where is Ava." I jogged over to reach her.
Her bleary eyes took in the sight of everyone behind me, and she fumbles,
"She-she."
A twisting sensation formed in my chest, surging bitter bile in my throat that I couldn't swallow down.
I hope she is okay, that's my first thought.
"She what?" Dad almost yells.
"She took off, I-"
"You let her out of your sight?" Dad advances, sounding like he was about to go crazy, and I pity Lilith at that moment because dad doesn't easily gets angry at her, and through the span of days I've been here, it is now becoming common.
She backed away and trembled,
"I ran after her. She disappeared into the crowd."
"Bullshit." His voice was loud. Thank God there was no one around to witness how screwed up our family had become. "You know the risk, and you let her stalk away."
Lilith let out a whimper and bite her lips, fighting the tears shimmering in her eyes.
I didn't stop it. I didn't interfere. I just froze here, not willing to help my sister. It scares me how much I wanted dad to pull the truth out of her.
"It's not her fault." Susan quickly came over and pulled Lilith beside her and away from dad's fits.
"Ava tends to be so selfish. She wouldn't change no matter how much I tried. She is doing this because of me, just to punish me." She quietly claimed, as though she wasn't the mother who slapped her daughter around quite a number of evidence.
If I had the bravery to speak boldly in dad's presence, I would have reminded her that.
"That doesn't mean letting her off our eyes." Dad objects, still angry at Lilith.
"I am sorry." She mumbled, her voice shaking, and leaned into Susan's for comfort.
"You will look everywhere for her." He pokes his fingers in her direction. But I doubt he meant that.
"Leigh..." He stops when he realizes what I was doing.
I called her phone, but it wouldn't connect when I was suddenly subjected to scrutiny by a group of young girls.
"Oh my God! Isn't that Leigh Boyce?" I think that's what they enunciated.
My eyes automatically closed at the sound of their shoes slapping against the base as they ran over to us, and I swear I almost screamed. Mentally I did. I hit my head against the wall and told them to walk away; I have better things to worry about right now.
But since I can't express such indelicacy in public, I heave a sigh and put on my most polite smile while dad and everyone try to act less tense than we all actually are.
"Can we have a photo? I follow you on social media." Said a short, plump, gelled hair girl, and the three others, I supposed are her friends, giggles.
That's not funny, or did I miss the joke?
"Is not the right time," Claire mumbled under her breath.
It is not me to be rude, but it sucks when put in such a situation. I have a serious emergency to mind. My whole body is screaming for me to go out there and search every nook and cranny there is in this state for Ava, and it is in this moment, I have teenage girls giggling all over me.
For fuck sake.
"I know." I reply, hushedly, and still went on with kindness, as I am taught, "Sure." Recomposing my stance.
One of the girls hands Julian her phone and joins into the pose.
If not, I've been told of endurance and patience; I wouldn't be plastering a fake smile when I shouldn't.
After taking two pictures, Julian handed back the phone to the girls and reasonably sent them away.
"Anything from Ava?" Dad diverts the attention from me, as almost everyone except Susan was trying not to laugh at what just happened.
"I can't reach her," I informed him and brushed back my hair with my fingers.
"I am sure she is okay, or even on her way back home." Said Claire.
"Or probably doing something that will get her to a jail cell." Susan rubs her temples.
"We should go back to that mountain house. She will return home when she feels like needing a bed to sleep on." She sounded weary and took off down the stairs with Lilith's arm hooked around hers.
"You guys should go; I will stay around and look for her," Dad announces when my friends and I hesitate.
"I will stay with you." I offered, desperately hoping he would listen.
"No, you go with them. I will check in at the station and make some calls. You keep an eye at home, okay?" He pats my cheek and smiles slightly at me. Stress is evident in his countenance even through the efforts he put into concealing it.
He was afraid he was failing, and it was over his ability to control it. I know that feeling. It was like catching up on fire. It drives you crazy, and realizing it was inevitable; nothing could feel so agonizing.
***
We arrived back home around ten at night. Susan headed into the living room and flopped onto the couch, looking despaired.
"God, my head hurts." She pants, her eyes close, and her head falls in her hands.
We were all standing, staring at her.
"You should go rest," I suggested.
"Is okay. I will wait." The last part was so quiet. It was probably to herself. "Lilith, darling, can you please make me some tea?"
"Okay." Lilith obliges and departs the room forthwith.
Hours started to fly, none of which I took a break from pacing the hallway. I lost count of the text messages I sent to Ava's phone, desperately imploring her to pick up.
The house is quiet, except for the sound of air conditioning systems, some appliances from the kitchen, and the streaming pools outside, heating up.
Lilith and Julian had searched every room earlier, and there was nothing that indicated Ava had returned here.
I wondered why she would do something like this. We were all happy.
Everything was going fine, and she decided to call it off and leave us under severe pressure.
Dad arrived home after two in the morning, along with two cops who promised they were working on it. He was worn out and sweaty; he had to run upstairs to take a shower.
At that moment, Susan broke down, crying from the pain she couldn't resist for long.
It fuels guilt in me. Guilt, I couldn't help carrying, knowing I was the one who ruined her. Who ruin everyone silently, while they were all distracted with the fake innocence I apply on, on a daily basis.
"She can't just take off like that. She was happy; I swear I saw her happy." Susan cried. Her body shakes as she sobs in the living room. "Isn't it Leigh? She was having fun, and I didn't do anything to ruin it. I swear."
Unresponsive, as I watched Lilith hug our stepmother, I only mumbled, "You did nothing."
It was not until Claire pulled me back to the hall, around the staircase, I was able to breathe.
"Did something happen between the two of you?" She whispered.
"Like what?" I automatically shook my head.
"I don't know, fight, maybe?" She rushes, shrugging at first.
"I don't know."
"Does she do things like this then? Like, take off for a while?"
"I don't know. I just don't get it." I was staring into the air, mentally trying to process all that had happened. "Ava was so easy to understand. Things weren't this complicated."
"She is just growing up."
Bullshit. No pressure of physical change has the power to destroy Ava.
"That's not how I grew up," I mumbled and sat back on the steps.
Claire crouched over before me and clasped my hands in hers.
"That's because you're different."
She has no idea. She should've seen Ava before. She would've known what perfection is.
I shook my head and lowered it down, disagreeing with her.
"No, I am not. She is so good, better than anyone I know. You didn't know her; she was so analytical and clever and unwilling when it comes to doing anything unpleasant, anything wrong. She wasn't like this."
"Leigh, there must be a reason."
Of course, there is, and I don't know if four weeks is enough to solve it.
I broke her heart. I left and never called.
"Talk to her." Claire pleaded like it was that simple.
It is not like Ava talks about things now. She tends to close every opening of understanding between us; she dismisses any chance of meaningful conversations.
This family isn't like this before. At least not this complicated.
"It's all my fault." I chuckled and pulled on my hair when I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat.
"I don't see how it is your fault." She scoffs, staring at me as though I am insane.
"I fall in love with my stepsister."
"Stop blaming yourself for something easy. Ava is not your blood sister; nothing is wrong with you loving her." She angrily emphasizes.
Easy said than done. If only actions are as simple as words.
I couldn't help thinking of her safety, if she was alright, if she wasn't going through another meltdown like last night, that when Lilith came over the staircase, I bolted up and blocked her way.
"Where the hell do you think you are going?"
Her eyes narrow in confusion.
"To my room."
"You are not going anywhere. You lost her. You stay up and wait." Just as we all are doing here, waiting.
"I will like to go to my room now." She squeaks, her voice trembling.
Somewhere in the back of my head, I heard Claire warning me to stop, but I didn't budge.
I know it's stupid, but there is no one to blame but Lilith, she was with her, how can she lose her?
"Fucking move." Her weak attempt to shove me only got the both of us angry.
My face hardened, and her voice increased, "In case you don't remember, Ava and I are both seventeen, so treat me like your younger sister too."
"As far as I can see, you can handle yourself pretty well if you know adequately enough how to lose someone behind and return your ass safely, then you are not young; you are evil." I barked as dad descended from the stairs.
"What the hell is happening here?" He inquired when he came between us.
"She lost her. She should take responsibility for her mistake." I point, and she shoots back loudly, "Ava is not a child; she knows her way back home; she flew from London to America alone, something I have never done, neither did you, Mr jackass."
Her teeth grit as she seethes behind dad.
"Language," He mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose, displaying tiredness too.
"So will everyone stop exaggerating? She's probably somewhere in Vegas having fun while we all are here three in the morning arguing about her safety." Her face was flushed with anger but not close to how I felt. My hands are balls into fists, my nails digging into my palms. I bet they were bleeding.
"Lilith, go upstairs, now," Dad instructs, letting her succeed.
She doesn't deserve it.
"We will find her, okay?" Dad promised exhaustedly and patted my back before heading back to his wife in the living room, leaving me fuming next to Claire.