AVA
"So you guys are fighting again?" Sawyer probes, plopping on her small bed in one of Auntie Catherine's handmade pyjamas.
It was past midnight in London, and we had been on this lengthy video call since three in the afternoon, here, which is over an hour ago, mostly discussing the outline of my pride and prejudice summer essay I had sent to her this morning.
I was lounging on the kitchen six-seater table, forcing myself to swallow the green bean casserole mom had served me, and Lilith, who was equally seated opposite me, with one Airpods drilled into her ears, and her phone buzzing every two to three seconds. This makes me wonder about the use of the AirPods then.
"She is evil. She possessed my mom, and now I am seeing her true colour." I broadcasted with every intention of Lilith listening to my direct affronts.
"Ava, you are always seeing everyone's true colours these days." Sawyer thoughtfully accused with accuracy.
"Are you on my side or not?" I firmly question, blowing out two calming breaths.
She rubs her half-opened eyes and yawns while her reassuring words flow, "Of course, I am with you. You're like my soul mate."
"Good." I grinned at the screen of my phone.
I will have to go to the mall and get some pouch cases for my new phone; I feel like those I have here doesn't fit the new white colour. My old phone was golden, so I have a specific preference for it that I didn't see suitable for this new shade I had picked online.
With her head down, Lilith has lifted up a questioning brow at me. "You know I can hear you, right?"
Am I supposed to be afraid?
"Is that Sawyer?" Mom queried and leaned behind me for a second. She had been travelling around the kitchen barefooted in her trousers and signature tee-shirt, stuffing in the cabinets some pans and other equipment she had used to prepare desserts that were now set in the fridge for later.
"Yes, and Ava is telling her she hates me." Lilith beat me off to responding, sounding derisive.
I rolled my eyes and ignored her since I still wasn't ready to start pretending ordinary around the knave who kissed me and told me she loved me, knowing full well, she can't just do that.
Mom stops by the built-in beverage refrigerator, grabs an energy drink for her husband, who was by the counter, helping her finish the five cups of banana pudding parfaits, and shoots both Lilith and me a pleading glare that says, she's tired of our problems.
"Bye, Sawyer." I smiled at the sleepy girl, barely opening her eyes. She lazily waved me goodbye and hung up immediately.
When mom handed a tin of red bull to her husband, she dropped a cup of coffee for Lilith and asked me if I wanted her to make some tea for me before she left.
Unfortunately, Christian and mom had to cancel our family date for the Fourth of July lake Las Vegas event that was the talk all over town because mom had a patient in the hospital, and instead, Christian will be there with her.
Lilith and myself were supposed to attend the event under our parent's supervision since we're deprived of our independence, though I doubt Lilith let those rules affect her as I do, for I am sure she will be sneaking out of the house any time soon. However, Leigh was the only one legally free to go out with his friends and celebrate independence day. If we were on good terms, I'd only ask for mom's permission, and I will spend today with him doing anything romantic.
"No, I can help myself." I refused.
She frowned but quickly dissolved into an understanding smile when she kissed Christian neck and whispered something to him.
I stroll around the kitchen and grab a teacup, starting up steeping my tea.
"I grab your favourite twinnings flavour." She informed me, conning excitement.
"You shouldn't have. It's not necessary. I can do that for myself."
"I wanted to do something good for you." She stammered.
"Well, don't." I retorted through stirring the sugar.
"How long are you going to be mad at me." I sensed her leaning against her husband.
She expected me to be okay despite her worst reactions over every little mistake I made when some were always triggered by her. For instance, on my birthday, she thought I aspire to run off because I enjoy doing that?
Still not looking over, I felt their sets of eyes peering at me while I added milk to my tea.
"As long as you keep dissembling America's, First Lady."
"Ava, not again," Christian plead, backing up his ignorant wife.
My mouth opened. I was about to throw out a comeback when Lilith tossed her stupid sass in my concern.
"Can you just give her credits for trying? That's a lot more than other parents do."
How dare her?
"Shut up. This is not your problem for once; mind your business."
She rose from the chair, clearing the dishes from the table to the sink while she insinuates,
"As far as I know, she married my dad. Ava that makes you and me equal to her."
It irritates me; it was like a slap in the face.
When she settled the dishes and turned around, she beamed.
Fuming, I plaster a painful smirk and embrace myself, firing her a daring glare.
"Then I guess that's a good advantage you shouldn't fall in love with me."
That was unexpected. She didn't see it coming; every enthusiasm she had, perished as those words rolled out of my mouth.
She held my glare and didn't talk, but her lips kept twitching. It was like she was almost begging me to shut up.
"Ava, she is your sister. For once, let yourself feel something. It's called love." Ignorant mom breathes.
"She is not my sister. She's my step-sister, one I just met two years ago. There are a lot of people I know longer than that."
"Ava? Shut up." Mom scolded me.
Not thinking straight, I shrug my lips and shoulders, "What? Her mother died."
The room was suddenly quiet. And the look Christain throws at me, I've never wanted to take back my words this bad.
"Apologize now." Mom looked frantic, her pupils flare, when she ordered.
My mouth fell open, my brain still rebooting from the dumbest opinion it had ever produced.
"She doesn't have to." Lilith started and stopped, her voice thick with emotion. She stood up and ran, proclaiming she would go upstairs by the exit.
With guilt crawling its way to my head, I watch Christian follow his daughter, leaving mom and me in the room occupied by tension.
It was after I leaned against the cabinets for support, for everything about what I had foolishly blurted out felt so unfair, that mom finally spoke,
"Why would you say that?" In her tone, there was hurt, loss and absence of believing what I had genuinely published with the intention to suffer my stepsister.
I shake my head and blink away the tears burning in my eyes, "I didn't mean it." It came out squeaky. I looked away and inhaled.
"I didn't teach you to be rude, sarcastic or rebellious. What happen?"
I don't even know where to begin.
"There are some points in our lives when we don't even understand ourselves. Ava, I might be in that section right now. But you? You're too good to let my fallout consume you. You're better than this."
I wish she was right, that I was that strong she sees me as, to handle all of this happening in my life presently.
"I hate you." I choked on the sob in my throat, glaring at the woman across the room.
"I know." Mom simply agreed and leaned back against the island, her brown hair bouncing around her shoulders when she lowered her head, staring at the shiny floor in our midst.
"You didn't leave as my father did, but having you around is worst than having a parent that leaves you behind."
Saying that alarmed her, she jolted her head up, disagreeing with me, "You are wrong."
I hate that we are like this, but she knows she was the start of all this. Leigh left, and she, of all people, changed when she was all I had and needed, and now I can't even begin to understand what is going on with my life. She knows I needed guidance, I needed love, but all those times, it was like she was absent.
"No. This woman who brought me to my hell because I could not make my own decision since bloody laws say I needed a guardian for my age; she is no human anymore to me. She is just a body with no soul."
"Is that what you think, Ava?" Her voice was almost a whisper. She brought her fingers over her lips.
"You said it yourself; you don't even understand yourself. How am I supposed to understand you?"
"How can I please you?"
"You can't start by slapping me."
"You are always going to bring that up." She mumbled to herself, but I read her mouth.
Of course, it will. It was something I never thought she was capable of. Hitting me? Never in my life did I ever see it coming.
"Before you married Christain, things were in place. We were happy being ordinary." I throw my hands around. My breathing was unstable. It was like resisting an asthma attack. "You loved me more than anything until now. He has become your priority. Lilith and Leigh next, and I am behind hundreds of people, given you treasure your women association shit party than me."
When I finished, she was appearing double in my vision, for tears had sprung up in my eyes, I couldn't see clearly.
"That is not true." Her head shook along with her words.
I tried to work down the gravel lump obstructing my throat, but it wouldn't just wash down; instead, it dispersed bitterness everywhere, in and out. I tug on my hair.
"I watch you feed them beverages without consulting them, but when it came to me, you needed an escape, so you asked, knowing it will trigger me to reject."
"What?" She gasped and blinked; then it came back in her head what she had really done, so she quickly thought of a lie. "I asked you because you haven't finished your food. I wanted to know if it is tea or some juice."
"Con artist. Your new family are now your priority." With rancour, I accused. I can taste the sour in my tone.
"So now you're jealous of Christian too?" She seemed confused.
Clearly, she will never understand.
"You think this is jealousy?"
"What else could it be?"
"Then you're blind, mom." There is nothing else to say. So I turn around and begin leaving the kitchen.
"Ava, come here." Her voice was almost a whimper, but I am no Christian; she can't delude me with her acting.
I stopped anyway, by the opening, faced her with defeat in my features.
"I know I can not offer you everything, unlike the Boyce's; they have everything you want, so now I am just that child you're stuck with."
"Ava, why? Just listen to me, please." She pleaded and quickly wiped the tear that broke out from her welled up eyes.
"I need to breathe," I announced and turned away, exiting the house entirely.
Nowhere is beneficial to my mental health, not even my room where I share the same wall with Lilith, so maybe leaving the house for some hours, albeit I was ground, is the only way to recover a decent mood, at least here, running around the hills could clear my head.
Through what could be hours, under the burning rays of the sun, I had run unstoppable. People might confuse me for crazy, given the summer weather wasn't kind and the day had long started. People were only out for a reason since most would rather dwell indoors or in their vehicles to benefit from the air conditioning system or at the pool, basking in the services of the water.
I returned home sweaty, after six in the evening. Even I was disgusted with myself. I knew definitely I would need a fresh shower and some pair of clean outfits.
By the time I walked into the building, I was more collected even though returning here was beginning to poke back everything that's happened earlier in the afternoon.
But I can say I feel a lot more better. That's why I started running, sometimes using the treadmill machine in the gym or at hard moments like earlier; I would get out of the house and speed off without stopping, no matter the heightening of my heart rate. It is just better than the pain, so once I start up, I just can't stop until I lose track of time.
In the house, it was quiet, too quiet I doubt Marina was home. While looking into every room around the ground floor, I had called, "Mom? Christian?" But the building was just creepy silent. It gave me chills.
For a moment, I wondered if God had answered my prayer and taken away my problem, which is my entire family. And for another moment, I had looked up in that case and asked God for forgiveness.
Still confused about how everyone will leave the house just like that with not even a note on the table or something, to let me know of their whereabouts, I climbed up the stairs and forced myself not to open any door that wasn't mine since sometimes curiosity like this could pull you into worse cases. And right now, I probably have an abundance to deal with.
For thirty minutes, I spent it taking a shower and decking out into something light. The next thirty, I made a boring video, with a fake expression on and deceiving beautiful hair, about why I had been unsteady these days. I told my followers about my birthday, about the Valley of fire and promised to post it immediately after the video, which I did, since I have all from my birthday backed up to my iCloud yesterday.
I had immediately exited the room to go watch something on tv when the door next to mine chose to open, and our eyes locked.
We were both standing by our doors, hands on the doorknob, weighing for where to start.
At least I now know I wasn't alone in the house.
It was, although impressive, seeing she hadn't sneaked out of the house, but I have a lot to say to her that I started with.
"I am sorry about what I said earlier," I mumbled, frankly, meaning my apology.
Hurting the feelings of others has never been my thing, but recently, it has been growing on me. I don't know who to blame for it since the past year was a complete turn of events for the family altogether.
When I looked away, she stepped forward and stopped a foot away from me.
"What part?" She asked, her voice very much different from how she exited the kitchen earlier. Right now, she looked and sounded neutral. Her hair was gathered up into a messy ponytail.
My eyes came back to her, and I exhaled,
"I shouldn't have brought your mom inside, whatever that was. I am sorry." I apologised again and held my breath and firm grip on the doorknob when she took the last step and left no space between us.
"Were you willing to tell on me earlier?" Lilith asked.
"What?" I blinked and gasped, not really sure if I heard her correctly.
The thing is, ever since she had confessed her feeling on my birthday at Fremont street, something seems to have changed. I mean, for goodness sake, there is a working air conditioner in the space, but beads of sweat were forming around the back of my neck. I had to wipe it with my hand.
I shouldn't be nervous, but fuck if the bones of my knees weren't weak.
"That I did this?" She whispered so quietly and blended her lips with mine.
It was soft. It was brief. Every hair on my neck raises.
"Oh!" I breathed, speechless.
She had just kissed me. Oh my goodness. What if someone is in the house? I didn't know she was until she showed up. What if Leigh happened to be behind the closed door next to us? What if, anytime from now, he opens it and find me tasting his sister's lips.
I begin to panic, my eyes dilated. I think I swallowed ten times.
"Were you going to tell?" She whispered, and it burned my skin. Her face was next to mine. Our noses were brushing to the extent. Her narrowed green eyes fused to my pressed lips.
"I-I don't know." I fumbled.
"Ava, you don't tell on your sister."
Sister? This is messed up. But I didn't say it out loud. I think my heart and brain stopped functioning.
"No one has to know. They are probably always out. Susan and dad are there celebrating the fourth of July, Leigh presumably the same." She bit her bottom lip and met my eye. "I've waited for you all this time. And I can't wait now." She adds and grabs my fingers between hers.
She is leaving very soon, "You will probably meet someone you truly love out there, someone not so complicated like this." I chirped.
She frowns and sweeps her tongue over her lip,
"You think I would want anyone?" Lilith scoffs and shakes her head. "Ava, how long have you been here in America? Have you ever seen me with anyone?"
"No, except Quincy and Clark." I sassily blurt out and fuck if I didn't regret it.
For a moment, she stares at me with a smile before she says, "You are jealous, aren't you?"
"Why would I be?" I retorted uncomfortably.
"You're confused, you want it, but you're scared because you don't know what loving a girl feels like." She explains as though it was so simple. When I didn't say anything, she threaded her fingers around the strand of my hair and stared at it. "Ava, you helped me figure out what I want. Before you came here, I didn't know who I was. Please, I have just some weeks left. Let me have it with you."
Isn't that what Leigh and I wanted?
"But we can't." I stepped back and heaved a sigh.
My head was swirling at decisions I had to make.
She looked hurt. She blinked and Averted her eyes to the floor.
"Is there someone I don't know?" She asked quietly.
"No, yes. I mean I like boys." I mixed my words.
"What if you don't know what you want?"
Believe me, I do know what I want even though, at this time, it seems like they don't want me anymore.
"That doesn't mean we can. You and I are family." I use the excuse.
"That's not fair. I love you." She angrily shot out, and I felt it punch a hole into my stomach.
"Don't say that." I quickly plead.
She scoffs and roughly swallows, her head shaking when she says,
"You are always running from the actual truth, Ava."
It was the truth. I knew it. So it hurts like hell.
"That is not true," I claimed, fighting back the tears I could feel stinging the back of my eyes.
"Then prove me wrong." She steps forward and cubs my face. "Kiss me back." She begged, bringing back her lips on my resisting ones.
I can't kiss her. I kept telling myself. I can't have two siblings. I can't be the cheater. That's not me.
"I don't want to leave without having the pleasure of memorizing everything about you." She says against my lips and presses a deep kiss; I was fighting. I shook my head repeatedly to escape this moment. But the bloody time just happened to move excruciatingly slow.
"Please, let me in." She insisted.
I was breathless, scared and-fuck, I have too many emotions right now. My heart was axing its way out of my chest.
"Stop." I push her away finally.
She gasped and blinked at my sudden outburst, as if it was now she realised what she had been doing. "I am your sister, for goodness sake." I sternly remind her and barge her arms, running down the stairs, away from where she is and this chaotic air.