Chapter 41: Chapter 41

Chapter 41

I can see in her eyes it is killing her that she doesn’t know though.

I break, “Ok.”

I let out a breathe, “Come with me.” I turn to go back to the field and she follows.

When we get to the field and sit down on one of the bleachers, she looks at me and waits for me to talk. I stay quiet for a few moments to try and think of where to start.

“Ok… umm I… I see a therapist once a week because I have anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.” I say while looking out, so that I don’t have to look at her.

She gasps, but doesn’t say anything.

“I was only recently diagnosed, but it has been happening for a while. After the car accident, l’also suffer from PTSD and have nightmares, so I don’t sleep very often. I take sleeping pills, so that I am able to fall asleep, but nothing helps with the nightmares.” Tears are streaming down both our faces and I hear Kasey’s breathe hitch.

“Sometimes… I have these times where… I f–feel numb. Everything just doesn’t matter. When this happens, I kind of spiral.”

She stays quiet.

“Thats what happened this time. I forgot to take my antidepressants for a few days, and it caused me to go into one of these… episodes I guess. So, I stayed in my room, alone so that I could make sure I didn’t do anything stupid.”

“What if… if you had left?” She asks quietly.

I look over to her and see her crying, this makes more tears come down my face.

“I don’t know.”

“Sometimes I do something reckless like going 180 on an curved empty road and see what happens. Other times, I see how long I can hold my breathe under water and don’t come up till I feel like I’m drowning. It just depends.”

“On what?”

“On how bad it gets.”

“And how bad is your worst?” She asks hesitantly.

“My worst was when I… umm… I almost jumped off a bridge. Well, I did jump off the bridge, but someone pulled me back.” I say to her.

She lets out a sob. 1 hug her. We hold each other and cry for awhile. I feel better now that I told someone, but that doesn’t mean it will be any easier.

Then, she lets go, “Lee, why didn’t you tell anyone. We could have helped you. What if… what if we had lost you?” She asks.

“I know and I’m sorry. I didn’t want anyone to know. I t–thought it would be better being back home, and it is. I stayed home because I had people to lose. I had you and Blake and Luca. I almost did it, I thought maybe you would be better off without me.” I say wile crying.

“Lee, we w–would never be better of w–without you.” She cries.

“I’m sorry.”

“What did you almost do?” She asks as tears come out of her eyes.

“I… I almost took some sleeping p–pills.” I say while quietly crying.

She hugs me again, but harder this time. Like she afraid she will lose me. It makes me feel better. I know now that I needed to tell her because whenever I feel like nob*dy would care, I can remember this moment. Her pain is because of me and I hate that. I can’t imagine what would happen if I actually did it.

She is why I have to keep fighting even when it is easier to give up.

Damion’s POV:

She didn’t come to school yesterday, or today.

Everything inside of me is telling me to go to her and make sure she’s ok, but I think she needs space. I saw it in her eyes when she said she didn’t need anyone. She scared to get close to anyone and she’s pushing me away. Hopefully, if I give her the space she needs, she will come to me instead of me pushing and going to her. But, her not coming to school as me worried. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything but Lee and its killing me. I am angry every second I’m not with her, and I feel like I am going to explode. I had to leave school early yesterday so that I could shift. That never happens when she’s around.

I miss her laugh, her smell, even that stupid fake smile she always does. I used to hate that smile because it was the one she plastered on gave to everyone, but now I wish I could see it again. Or better yet, one of her real smiles where her cheeks are all red and chubby, and her eyes squint. She doesn’t give a real smile often, but when she does it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I miss her.

Yesterday, Kasey asked me if I had seen her or talked to her and I said no, but what worries me is if Kasey and Blake haven’t talked to her, then who is she with? Who is holding her and taking care of her? I felt it that day, when she was yelling at me I felt her pain. She feels broken.