C-39
I just got out of the girl's locker room after changing into my PE uniform when I spotted a gloomy Seungmin on the bleachers.
"Hey, Seungmin! How yah doing? Not good? Okay, never mind." Felix pouts as he sits beside him. I sit beside Felix.
We just got our grades for the English report and we bombed it, according to Seungmin.
"We'll do better next time," I mumble, trying to uplift his spirit in an unconvincing way.
We're just halfway through the day, but it's already a bad one. First, we surprisingly got a 92% which is alright for me and Felix but isn't for Seungmin. Second, we have to play basketball for PE today and I'm not the most athletic person. Lastly, I hope so, Minho is acting weird. Not the good kind of weird. I understand if he doesn't want to talk to me about it, I just wish he wouldn't cut me out.
"Everyone, form a line. Shortest in front, tallest at the back. Now!"
We scatter and line up to find our places before we get scolded. I'm eighth in line out of 18 students. Coach Yoongi tells us to go in front of the ring one by one to shoot and my hands are already getting clammy. It's almost my turn so I try to focus.
"Moon!" Coach Yoongi signals and I stagger to move forward. I have three chances and I only need to shoot one to pass.
You got this. Fighting, girl!
My first shot didn't even reach the ring, so before I take my second shot, I look back to see Seungmin pointing beside him. Felix moves his other foot forward whilst bending his knees a little so I copy it. I fixate my eyes on the ring and jump to throw the ball. I almost shouted when it got in!
"Good job, mate!" Felix high-fives me and Seungmin gives a thumbs up as I join them at the back, near the other class who's doing volleyball practice.
I slouch on the ground with a sunken expression instead of being happy... because of a certain someone.
Minho is busy with his phone and the teachers can't be bothered to disturb him because they know he won't obey them anyway. I scoot closer to him and tug on his sleeve to get his attention. He just looks at me with a poker face. It's been a while since I saw him like this.
"What's wrong?"
"None that concerns you," he says coldly.
I bite my lower lip. "Uh... Are you free later? I found a new cafe, I think you'll like it there."
"I have to do something later. Just go with Jisung," he replies and goes back to his phone.
"But you said you'll make it up to me..." I mumble. "Can we at least go home together?"
I'm scared that those guys will try to get back at me since I have no one to go home with. Jisung is always with his other friends and I don't want to bother him. I know I promised to tell Minho about it, but I don't want him to be forced to go with me out of obligation.
Minho turns to me and sighs. "This thing's really important."
"But I need to tell you something important too..."
"Next time?"
"You always say that. It's been weeks, Minho. You don't have time for us anymore."
He chuckles bitterly, pushing his hair back. "We're not together, Y/n. As far as I know, it's not my responsibility to make time for you."
I look at him dumbfounded.
"Y-You said..." I suck in a deep breath. "No, you're right."
His eyes soften as he tries to hold my hand, but I hurriedly stand up.
"Y/n, I didn't mean it like that."
"No, it's okay. I will just leave you alone for now."
I hear his frustrated groan as I walk absentmindedly towards the other end of the court.
I want to cry.
Am I just being irrational? What he said hurts, but it's true... I wish it wasn't.
"Watch out!"
Before I could register the warning shouts of my classmates, a raging ball hit my face that caused my vision to see stars.
My schoolmates were all running to get to the rooms after the bell rang signalling the end of lunch and it made me a little dizzy.
"Are you blind?" Someone hissed after bumping with me.
"I'm sorry, I kinda am." I nervously apologised whilst trying to look for my eyeglasses that slipped off.
The person cleared his throat and I saw him pick something through my hazy vision. "Here," he said.
"Oh, thank--" I stopped what I was saying when I finally saw who he was.
He immediately walked away before I could fully thank him and I watched his retreating figure in confusion.
"Y/n!"
My eyes shoot open when I feel someone shaking me. The first thing I see is Minho walking away and slamming the door on his way out. I look up to the source of the voice only to see the silhouette of my first ever crush changing into Jisung. I don't even remember his face but now I'm randomly dreaming about him after getting a ball to the face? I blink to correct my vision, shaking my head at the weird phenomenon.
I finally sit up and try to make out the surroundings. Some of my classmates are looking at us with shocked faces whilst others are shaking their heads and laughing. My face heats up as I look at Jisung beside me.
"What happened?"
"You fainted when the ball hit you." He points to my face. "Your nose is also bleeding."
"Oh." I immediately wipe my nose with the back of my hand. "Thanks for waking me up."
"Actually... Minho got to you first. I didn't mean to push him away, but I heard you two arguing earlier. I guess that's why he kinda stormed out?" Jisung looks down. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm just always next door."
"It's fine... I'm alright."
"If you say so."
Jisung helps me stand up and we head towards Felix who's holding my stuff. He hands it to me without forgetting to laugh at my face.
"That's good entertainment, you made Seungmin laugh."
"Here." Seungmin, who's very gloomy earlier, is giving me tissues with his shoulders shaking.
I pout at both of them before going on my way.
Convince me that this isn't a bad day yet!
I go to the rooftop after washing my face and changing into my uniform. What's the point of going to class if I won't even understand a thing?
When I enter, I see a sleeping figure leaning on the wall. I contemplate whether to go back or just go in when his eyes flutter open and look at me.
"I'll just go..." I turn on my back when I see him standing up.
"Come here, Y/n," he says. I didn't dare to look at him.
A few seconds pass when I suddenly feel his arms encircling me from behind. I try to turn around, but he just tightens his hug.
"Minho..."
He props his chin on my shoulder and sighs softly. "Tell the guys to punch me in the face."
"F-For what?!"
"For talking to you like that. I was stressed but I shouldn't have taken it out on you... You didn't deserve that."
"I understand."
He hugs me tighter and buries his face on the crook of my neck. "I want to tell you something, but I don't know how."
"Minho, if this is about your past friends, I already know. Don't get mad at the guys for telling me, I just wanted to understand why you keep thinking that you're dangerous."
His breath hitches and his grip on me loosens. I finally turn around and see his gaze on the floor. Minho's jaw is clenched and his fists are slightly shaking, so I unfold his hands to hold in mine and try to peer into his eyes.
"It's not your fault, Minho. You're not a bad person."
"How can you say that?"
"You didn't kill her. You're a victim too."
He withdraws his hands from mine and looks at me intently, almost glaring. "You know nothing about it."
"Then tell me! If I know nothing then tell me what I have to know."
He glowers at the floor and refuses to look at me. "Don't meddle."
"I am already involved from the day I decided to befriend you, so please don't cut me out."
Minho goes towards the ledge and props his arms on the railings. He looks up at the sky. I go beside him and stare at his face. I wish I could read what's in his mind right now.
"Who is she?"
He sighs. "Her name is Sunny."
Changbin was definitely mistaken and the thugs were right. It's not Soonie but Sunny.
"How's she like?"
Minho finally looks at me and I wish he didn't. I don't like the way his eyes lighten up at the mention of her. It's unfair.
"She was my first friend. It might sound sappy but I actually had a crush on her before she even knew I existed, and then one day she started noticing me too. It felt weird so I pushed her away, because believe it or not, I had the same bad boy reputation back then. She wouldn't budge and take no for an answer though and so we became friends. She was just so persistent. She's like you in that sense. Having her around was fun, I wasn't alone for the first time. If only I knew it wouldn't last, I would've said yes sooner."
Why is my heart so heavy? I don't like this feeling. Did I ever make him feel that way too? Am I special to him too?
I swallow the lump in my throat. "H-How did she look like?"
"She already wore glasses but then she also had a thick fringe with her bob. Maybe that's why she couldn't see how much of a bad idea being my friend was..." He shakes his head, smiling a little. "She was pretty."
I waited for him to say that she's like me in that sense too, but it didn't come. My heart sinks. It's so unfair... He has never told me that I'm pretty even once.
"You asked me before why I go here on the rooftop when I'm afraid of heights..." His fingers tap on the railings. "It was our hangout spot. She found it, but I couldn't tell her about my phobia because she looked so happy... It was a form of punishment going here. The pain reminded me that she was real."
I grip on my skirt. My hands feel so cold... All this time I thought it was our place, it turns out I was just an intruder.
He clears his throat before continuing. "Our friendship only lasted for barely a month until her family took her away."
"They told me about a gang..." I still push on even when I can already feel my tears coming.
"There were five of us, six if she's counted. She's the one who's originally friends with them. One of us thought of forming a gang. He said it'd make him look cool as he always appeared like a scaredy-cat, but things didn't end well..."
"Because you were forced to join a fight and you defeated them, causing them to take... her."
He looks calm but I can see his hands curling into fists. He's still affected.
"I fought in place of him because he almost fainted even before the fight started. I only did that because friends help each other, but a stupid fvcking crush was all it took to ruin everything."
"He threatened you, I heard..."
"When she got hurt, we sort of fought. We blamed and threatened each other. That wimp said he'll blow my head off. He can't even throw a proper punch," he says sourly.
It went silent, until my racing thoughts forced me to break it.
"Minho, do you really... like me?"
"What?" He looks at me confusedly.
"I'm not making you choose, but you should know that the past is different from the present. You said she's special to you, so how about me?" I look down.
"Y/n..."
"I always believe in you and I always give you time, so how about me?" I try to suppress my tears. "Did you like me because I reminded you of her or did you like me because I'm Y/n?"
"I know you had similarities, but... but..."
My first tear falls as I watch him struggle to answer. I was so sure about him, why can't he be the same to me?
He looks away. "I think it's better if you don't get involved."
"Why are you pushing me away again?"
"I don't want you to get hurt because of me."
"You said you'll protect me, right?"
"Look at what happened to her!"
"I'm not her, Minho! Why do you keep thinking about her when I'm the one right here? Or have you found her, that's why you're trying to get rid of me?"
"This is so annoying! I'm trying to get you out of my mess. Can't you understand?"
"Really? I've been nothing but understanding this whole time!"
"Then why can't you understand this time? I just want you safe! I shouldn't have befriended you in the first place if I knew that it'll be like this. Heck, I shouldn't have started this nonsense with you!"
It hurts so much...
"Nonsense? Do you mean that?" A small voice is all I could muster.
Minho's eyes widen as he looks at me. One by one, my tears start to fall and I cover my mouth with both hands to muffle my sobbing.
"No. No." He shakes his head so fast. Conflict swirls on his face and then he sighs, pulling me to his chest. "Fvck, no. I don't mean it."
His harsh words that play over and over in my mind cancel out the comfort of his actions. This time, I'm the one to push him away.
"F-Fine!" I bite my lip so hard to stop them from trembling. "If that's what you want, I won't bother you anymore!"
Minho looks at me with a sunken expression, but I can't fall for that now. He said he'll protect me, but he's the first one to hurt me.
"Y/n... I'm so--" He seems to freeze on his spot as he watches me take my bracelet off, throwing it on the ground before storming out of the door and down the staircase.
I don't want to be biassed, but I think I like Doongie more now. I'm sorry, Soonie. I just don't like where he got your name from.
I hope no one sees me because I look like a wreck. The tree at the back of the school is tall so I drag a chair to help me climb it. I struggle to go up and down the wall, but I push on. I stumble for a bit and my feet hurt a little as I jump down, but I can't be bothered because something inside me hurts more.
I take off my nameplate and tie my blazer on my waist before walking through the narrow alleyway. I wipe my eyes with the long sleeve of my uniform because the tears are blurring my vision. It only took me a few minutes to reach the bus stop. Luckily, I already calmed down.
I sit down and stare into nothing in particular as my thoughts drift off. I feel like I'm in a music video except there's no rain and it's not cloudy. I don't know why, but the sun looks so annoying right now. Why does it have to be so bright?
"What did you lose this time?"
"Huh?" I look at the person beside me who I didn't notice earlier. My lips quiver at the sight of him. "What are you doing here?"
"I can ask you the same thing," he says. "Did you lose your cat again?"
"I lost him." I sniffle.
"Again?! Let's go find him-- oh, that." He looks at my bare wrist with concern. "What happened?"
I stare at him before saying anything. They said it's better to talk to strangers because they don't know you and won't judge you. He's not a stranger to me anymore, but I need someone to tell stuff to because it's so heavy inside already.
"He said he'll protect me, but he's pushing me away because he thinks it's dangerous to be with him. How will he save me when he's not around?" I complain. "Do I sound annoying to you?"
He shakes his head. "You know, you shouldn't take angry talk seriously because they're not true most of the time." He cautiously pats my back. "But what hurts you, hurts you. And no, you're not annoying. Never to me."
He has that soft look on his face that made me tear up.
"It's okay to cry..." He gives me a small smile. "...but please not here. People might think I'm the one making you cry." He looks at the passerby shyly.
He is making me cry! Why does he have to dye his hair like that? He's reminding me of a certain someone.
"Why's your hair blue?" I ask him.
"Does it look so bad that it made you cry?" He giggles. "I don't think so because I'm the trainee with the best hair." He pushes his hair back playfully.
My lips twitch.
"You know, people look better when they smile," he tells me. "Even when their eyes are bloodshot red."
I groan as my pout disappears, covering my face in shame. I feel oddly comfortable with him again.
"Tell me which one is prettier then, the sun or the moon?"
I hear his soft laughter so I uncover my face to look at him. He grins at me before answering.
"They're both pretty, but I like the moon better."
He stands up so I had to look up because he is towering over me. "Whatever he said to you, don't take it to heart. That's just him letting his emotions take over. No wonder we were..." he tells me in a soft voice that I didn't quite understand the last part.
"Jungwoo! Wait--" I didn't get to return the handkerchief that he lent me because he's too far away.
It's the fourth time that he's helped me and I'm convinced that he's not a bad guy like what my cousin said.
I look at the hanky with Snoopy prints on it and slightly smile. "Thanks, I guess."