I've seen it in movies, read it in books, and heard about it through the school's gossip chain even.
Never did I think it would ever happen to me.
I thought the world was already so cruel to me that it would skip over that partâthe humiliation I've been avoiding for so longâand focus more on ostracizing me from my peers. The usual stuff that I knew I could deal with, my life story, all the reasons that made me Harleyânone of them held a candle to the emotion that consumed me from within and wouldn't let out at Riley's big surprise she had dedicated to none other than yours truly.
I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
I was at the lunch line, grabbing a bite to eat since all the stress from today had drained me mentally and physically when a hand fisted my hair and pulled so hard, my vision went dark for a moment.
I was used to people randomly grabbing and pulling at my hair for no reason other than the lame excuse they gave of checking if it was my actual hair or not. What I wasn't used to was it being followed up by a slap to the face.
I finally understand why people are so afraid of Riley even though she's really short and very cute-looking. Riley was just as mean as people accused her of being.
My cheek stung and my eyes teared up at the pain. I held my face and tried to get up only to feel something cold run down my hair. Because I had wild curls, most of my face and clothes were saved from whatever the liquid was but I couldn't move. I was frozen in shock.
End credits. Not right now.
I've been hit before, multiple times actually, but never have I been hit in a room full of other teenagers. Never have I been hit by a Popular.
I staggered back, a flashback of her being friendly just this morning passing through my mind as I tried to hide my face from the phone cameras that were now being pointed at me, recording everything like it was a funny joke they had all planned.
"You thought I'd let you get away with it?" Tears were set in her eyes as if I had been the one to hit her. I couldn't even react. My hands were shaking. I was shaking. "Do you know how gross that was to look at? To clean off? Do you have any idea the kind of shit I had to deal with because of that? Or are you that in need of attention that you'd do just about anything to get it? Faceless freak."
I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. My eyes were spinning and what I really needed now was Donovan but I hadn't seen him all day. Even now, he wasn't here. My heartbeat quickened as I took a step back from Riley. I didn't want any trouble. I really hadn't meant to do that to her.
It was a mistakeâmy mistakeâand I was paying for it in the cruelest way possible. Riley was not going to let this go without making sure to mark me as a target for the rest of my life.
"I'm sorry..." I managed to choke the words out because I really was, but she wasn't listening. She hit me over and over and over again until someone got in the way of her hits. It wasn't my brother or Hero or any of The Populars for that matter.
"My office. Now." Principal Hemsher spoke as he picked me up from the floor, inspecting the bruises on my face before turning to the secretary who had rushed in right behind him. "Call their parents. One, two and three... Get to my office..."
Principal Hemsher's voice waned out, the voices in my head becoming louder and louder.
"Holy shit, she's crying." Someone laughed from in the crowd and I quickly shielded my face, wiping at my eyes.
I can't believe I'm actually crying right now. I'm making it worse.
I squeezed at the spot over my chest, unable to catch my breath despite my best efforts to calm down. I felt Principal Hemsher's hand on my back, his pats too soft to even notice.
I pushed him off, a ringing still present in my ears from Riley's hits, and made my way through the crowd of students, the liquid Riley had poured on me running down my face and messing up the hallway.
Surprisingly, they all let me through, drawing from me as if I was a disease. I couldn't tell if they were still recording or not. I didn't care if they were. For the first time in my entire life, I had decided to ditch school.
I made it out of the building and off school grounds without having to deal with anyone else. My mind, though mostly blank, nagged at me about mom finding out about this.
I was supposed to get Riley's number and pretend to have a girl friend. She'd be so disappointed in me.
I don't know how I made it home in one piece without getting ran over by a car since I had had my head down the entire way.
I got under my comforter, curling up into the tiniest ball,and stopped fighting my tears back. I didn't care about the liquid pouring onto my bed from my hair. I didn't care about anything.
I don't know how much time passed by at that moment, but when I got up,head buzzing and lightheaded from all the tears I had shed, it was almost dark out. No one had come to check up on me. No one cared enough to. As it's always been, my life had reset to me being all alone again.
I wiped at my tearstained cheeks as I went into mom's room and took what I needed for a jog out to see my dad again. I made sure to lock the door behind me, ignoring Mrs Nosyton's obvious peeping from the safety of her house.
The cemetery was as lively as ever, the stillness of it all being a perfect representation of the inner workings of my mind. I needed quiet right now. I just needed it all to fall still so that I could talk with my dad in peace for once.
I slumped before his headstone for hours unmoving, not paying much mind to the darkness that had enveloped the world. I've never been out to the cemetery this late before. Weirdly, it wasn't as scary as I had thought it would be.
It was perfect.
The moon was up for once, not a cloud blocking its shine tonight but all I could think about was the hate I never stopped receiving from other kids my age. I didn't want to admire the moon's radiance. It never shone any light on my peers to get them to acknowledge me. It didn't teach anyone right from wrong. It didn't distract anyone from the girl who had just lost her dad and needed some space. It didn't stop those kids from picking on me when I was mourning him. It will never stop them.
The moon was never admirable to me to begin with. Nothing in this world ever was. And how could it be when I never got the chance to appreciate any of it. I was too busy hiding and crying and wishing they would all stop to notice anything else.
I stared at the bottle in my hand. Some painkillers that we never took since The Smith's were always healthy round the clock. Mom never opened it because none of us ever needed it. But now I do. I'm tired and it hurts. It hurts knowing that no matter how hard I try, I'll always be unwanted.
Tomorrow, nothing will change.
Riley will get, what, about a week of detention? Then she'd go back to her old ways and I will be remembered as the cause of Riley's first ever punishment. I doubt they'd care enough to even know my name when they'd talk about me.
There was no need lamenting on it now. It already happened and there's nothing I can do about it. But I can make it stop. I'll just make it all go away and no one would be able to hurt me ever again.
I didn't know how to go about it. I've never tried this way before but I knew enough about this town to be confident in my reasoning that it would be too late before anyone even realized I wasn't home.
I pulled my hoodie on over my head and shut my eyes closed tight. Still, I could see their faces, mocking, unrelenting, hateful. It was deadly quiet but I could hear their laughters loud and echoing, leaving no room for a second thought, for reasoning.
I took the cap off.
There was no use in second guessing my choices in life. Maybe this final act will drag my point into their heads. Maybe it'll be the breaking point for others like me to finally get the peace they deserved. Maybe it'll pass like dust in the wind, nothing special to admire or interesting to talk about just like the entirety of my life.
Whatever my point would bring, it didn't matter. I wouldn't be here to see it. I didn't want to be here to see it.
Last time, I had failed miserably and had to deal with the guilt of seeing my mom break down, questioning her ability as a parent and ended up taking majority of Cash's time that should have been spent with his friends, having him sit for hours with me at the hospital.
This time, I'd do it right. This time, I'd make sure my family doesn't waste time looking to me.
I somehow willed my hands to be still as I shook out a handful of pills and brought it to my lips. At least I had the assurance that no one would be able to find me for a good long while. I couldn't risk screwing up again like I did last tiâ
"What are you doing?"
I blinked, fear gripping my heart at the blurry figure before me. Wiping at my eyes, I looked back up at the boy that now stood above me,a solemn expression etched onto his face.
He snatched the bottle from my hand, slapping the tablets out of the other as he let out a string of curse words. I blinked through my tears, trying to wrap my head around why Hero was here right now.
"I knew you'd do something stupid again." He sounded awfully angry for someone who barely cared about my existence a few days ago. "How can you be so reckless with your life?"
I stood up and faced him head-on, lunging for the bottle. It was pathetic, I know, but right now I didn't really care.
He held it behind his back.
"Don't you have a girlfriend to get to?" I asked, bitterness seeping through every word. I can't believe I ever liked Hero. He hangs with Riley. He actually likes her. He probably supports her in all her evils too. "Give it back."
"Like hell I will."
Not knowing what else to do, I tried to use force and, within my struggle to get the bottle back, I ended up ramming the back of my head into his face. Hero took a step back from me, groaning and holding onto his nose.
"Ow!" I winced, holding the back of my head that was now throbbing. Hero held a hand up, putting some distance between us as we both took a minute to come to terms with the pain.
Then he straightened and, in the blink of an eye,threw the bottle further than I could ever want to search willingly then turned to me, gesturing what now? with his hands.
I blinked, staring at the blood leaking from his nose.
"Don't you have better things to do than stalk me?" I sighed, tired of the Populars' presence in my life. Hero scoffed and wiped some of the blood away.
"Now, you're just talking nonsense." He muttered and slumped down on one of the gravestones, closing his eyes. "The only reason I followed you is because I promised Donovan I'd take you home. Then you left without saying a word and I couldn't just go home without making sure you were safe. Imagine my surprise when you ran out of your house like a damn psychopath just to end up here. Killing yourself over something like that? Now that's just a whole other level of stupid."
My world slowed down. Whatever remark that I had thought up vanished from my mind and I drew into my shell again, sliding down to the ground and hugging my knees to my chest.
He sighed.
"That came out wrong..." he started but I shook my head to silence him.
"It's true, though." I pinched the bridge of my nose, my tears running down my fingers as I tried to pull myself together. "You said it 'cause it's true."
"I said it because I'm an ass." He sighed again, rubbing at his eyes in frustration. "Look, Harley, if you focus on what everyone says about you all the time, you'll never be happy so just don't, alright?"
I tried to find sense in what he was saying and when that didn't work, I said the first thing that came to mind.
"You're not popular for your brains, that's for sure."
If looks could kill.
"And you wonder why you have no friends..." He muttered, jerking up from beside me. "Go ahead and kill yourself if you want but just know that no one would bat an eye about it. You'd just be another dead girl."
"Then why did you follow me here in the first place?" I mumbled and he halted in his steps. I dragged my eyes away from his fisted hands at his sides and buried my head in my arms. At least now he'll leave me alone.
I nearly flinched when he gave me an answer.
"Because every time I look at you, you're either crying or holding back tears." His words, though barely audible in the quiet of the night, struck a chord in me and encouraged me to look up at him. His voice picked up as he continued, like he was finally getting to say something that had been plaguing his mind for the longest." It's annoyingâalmost like it's all you got for a personality. And it's frustrating watching you let others treat you like a doormat."
He turned to me.
"Harley, I thought that if I didn't meddle, you would eventually get sick of it and give them something to think about, but instead, you just gave up." He sighed. " Want to know something about the real world? Nobody ever comes to save you."
He let the silence drag out as I took in his confession.When he spoke again, his voice was filled with sympathy.
"Maybe I should have helped you then, but you can't solve your problems by ignoring them. And that's all you've been doing."
"So what if I ignore it?"
I don't want advice from a Popular right now.
"That's what got you here in the first place." He muttered. "Just say no the next time someone tries to order you around. Start from there, at least."
"You don't know what you're telling me to do, Hero." I mumbled. "They'll beat me up then make me do what they want after."
"No one's laying a finger on you while I'm around." I couldn't hide my surprise fast enough. He saw it, my hope that he could actually help, and ran with it knowing that I'd believe it. "I won't let anyone hurt you so stop with the excuses already. You have to start standing up for yourself at some point."
I chewed at my nails, his words running through my head. Riley would kill me if she saw me with Hero. He'd be making it worse.
I scrubbed at the lightbulb in my head.
"Cash wouldn't like you hanging around me."
"I really don't want to hear about your brother right now, Harley." Hero muttered, trudging back to me and bending low enough to meet my gaze. "Where is he in all of this? Because I sure don't see him standing up for you."
I flinched at that, searching his eyes for any signs that he might know the truth about Cash and Riley. All I picked up from him was a whole lot of anger on my behalf.
"You promise you'll keep me safe?"
"Only if you actually do something about it."
"Even from Riley?" I should have been embarrassed by how desperate I sounded but Hero's eyes weren't shaming me. He wasn't judging.
"Especially from Riley." He said softly, putting a hand out for me to take. "I want to defend herâmake you understand herâbut I can't. Riley went too far this time."
I didn't think much more about it as I reached out to Hero. His hand felt warm as it wrapped around mine, pulling me up. I was convinced he'd protect me.
Hero walked me to his car, only letting go of my hand to go around to the driver's side. Then he took my hand in his again and didn't let go until we were outside my house.
Mom yanked me into her arms the minute Hero pulled me out of the car. I didn't need to see her face to know that I had made her cry yet again. She kept mumbling that she loves me and that she's here for me, drilling nails of guilt into my heart.
I'd never forget what I put her through.
Just the thought of her running through her room and checking the medicine cabinets as she cried had me breaking down, something I had no right to do right now.
Mrs Nosyton was on our lawn, stringing her blouse and fidgeting as she watched us. Cash was right behind her, his eyes set behind me, filled with confusion and a bit of anger.
I drew away from mom's hug to check on Hero. His gaze broke away from Cash's when I turned to him.
Mom pulled him in for a hug too, thanking him as she cried tears of relief. Hero melted into mom's hug with a smirk plastered on his face just to get to Cash. He took my hand when mom pulled away, staring only at me as if to give me comfort.
His small gesture of support warmed my heart a bit. Also, I like holding Hero's hand. It's so warm and takes my mind off of the mess of today. And my brother's harsh stare.
I shared a look with mom and she picked up what I was putting down and cleared her throat, wiping her eyes as she mumbled something about drawing me a bath and dragged Cash inside with her.
I bet she also has hope in Hero. Hope that he'd convince me to stop being the way that I am.
I didn't know how everyone would react to the point I'd be making tomorrow, my act of defiance to the norm, but I knew one thing as Hero held my hand tighter and pulled me into him; I would be finding out for his sake.
His grip was still tight on my hand when he pulled away and asked, worry laced in his tone, "I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"
I thought of the pill bottle.
"I'm not going to try to kill myself, Hero." I said to ease his mind.
"You just did."
I nodded towards the road leading to the cemetery.
"You already ruined my chance."I said, forcing the tiniest smile to show him I was joking. Hero shook his head at me in disbelief but let go of my hand and turned to walk away. He made it down the driveway only to turn back, pointing at my hair with an amused glint in his eyes.
"You should probably wash that out."
My eyes widened like saucers at that and I reached under the hood of my jacket to feel the icky goo still present in my hair. My face flamed.
I whirled around, catching Mrs Nosyton off-guard. She sucked in her tiny bursts of laughter and feigned ignorance, walking back to her house as if she hadn't just been laughing at me.
Hero snorted.
Someone kill me.
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