With my bottom lip drawn in to a hidden assault by my upper front teeth, I steadied my breathing, my victory a mere seven blocks away and my focus unshaken by the crunching of leaves nearing my hiding spot. This is the closest I've gotten to beating Hero's tetris record since I abandoned our notes some minutes ago.
"Wow, you're really doing it." The man of the hour himself commented from above, nearly giving me a heart attack in the process. He had a ball tucked under his arm, his green eyes fixed on me.
I had been waiting for him to wrap up with practice so that he could drop me home and, because my phone was still on it's usual vacation in Principal Hemsher's office, he had offered his for me to kill time with along with his notes so that I'd get an early start on copying them.
He kicked our scattered notebooks to the side, earning his spot beside me and consequently closing the space our books would have placed between us.
"That took me forever to reach. How are you so good at this?"
I mumbled something back to him. Whether it was an 'I'm in love with you' or 'Eat dust, you suck', I'll never know. What I do know is, whatever it was, it made him full on cackle.
He rested his noggin on my shoulder and I had to summon every bit of nonchalance from within the core of my soul to not react. Then his soft, commercial worthy hair brushed against my cheek and I shot up faster than lightning, tossing his phone into his lap and slapping my cheeks repeatedly. I paced back and forth, all the while shaking an accusing pointer at him.
"You so did that on purpose!" I stuttered, too embarrassed to meet his gaze. "That's cheating!"
"That totally didn't just hurt my feelings." His head tilt of innocence was betrayed by the crinkling at the corner of his eyes. "How else was I supposed to get you to notice me?"
It's a good thing I use my hair as a veil or he would have totally seen how red my face had gotten, how lovestruck I probably looked watching his innocent act up close.
"How long are we going to hide from your boyfriend?"
That snapped me out of it.
"Best friend, Hero." I corrected him for the umpteenth time. He won't stop teasing me about my reaction to Donovan and Melissa's date.
After I had confessed my long, hidden secret, I was saved by the bell and since then I had managed to get through the rest of the day avoiding Donovan. I won't be able to avoid him tomorrow, though. We have Maths. Except, now that I think about it, my throats been kind of itchy-scratchy like. I think I'm coming down with something. I'll just have to forfeit a day of education in order to heal this serious sickness of mine that is definitely real and not at all one of my ingenius lightbulb concoctions to avoid my best friend.
Hero's focus on my reaction to Donovan is making him completely oblivious to the effect he has on me. I guess that's a good thing. I wouldn't want to go making things awkward with him by professing my undying will to live for just him. That would be too weird even for a guy as understanding as Hero.
"Then why are you avoiding him?" He spun the ball on his index, most of his attention on it. "You totally hid when he came to look for you."
"I did not hide." My cheeks flamed at the lie. "I was just...checking on the tree bugs."
"Right..."
"I was!"
"You lie like my mom." Hero's smile faltered, his eyes dimming as he caught himself. "Like she used to, I mean. Harley, you should work on that. You really can't tell a lie. Just admit that you're hurt about Donovan taking Minda out."
"Her name's Melissa and, no, I am not mad that Donavan's finally found interest in a girl." I sighed at the thought and crumpled next to Hero, leaning back on the tree. "I guess I just wish..."
I sighed again, and stared up at the dark sky up above, gray clouds stretching miles ahead and a chilly wind swirling the fallen leaves around us.
"You can say it, Harley. It's just us here." Hero murmured, his eyes closed as he too raised his face up to the sky. Forget the gray clouds, he had all of my attention. He looked ethereal soaking in nature's blessings upon us and I could not get enough of it. His eyes fluttered open, settling on the faceless freak watching him in awe, a hint of a smile drawn on his pink lips. "I'm good with secrets."
I chewed on my nails, hesitant to give Hero the option of seeing me in a different light. I didn't want him to hear my inner thoughts. They were dark and dirty and so not what he thought he knew of me.
"I bet you wish he'd pick any other girl but her, huh?" He carried on, slicing through the stiff silence that I had caused. "Sometimes I wish I didn't like Riley. That I had fallen in love with some other girl. Someone less complicated, less clingy, less...psychotic."
He exhaled tiredly. Painfully. Like he hated saying those things about Riley despite being right about all of it.
"But we don't get to choose who we fall in love with, Harley."
I think my heart just shattered.
Hearing the boy I like talk about the girl he likes made me want to crawl into a hole and die. Jealousy swirled in my chest, ugly and bitter, and if my eyes weren't already green, it would have shone with the color at the look in his eyes when he spoke of her. Like he couldn't fathom ever being with someone other than her. Like I was just someone to aid in his quest to get his girlfriend back on the right track. Like I meant nothing at all to him.
Cash's warning from earlier blared in my head and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the negative emotions, to hide them from Hero.
"That doesn't mean I'm going to turn a blind eye to her wrongs."
I pursed my lips, turning away in shame. He read me like an open book. Am I that obvious?
"To tell you the truth, I'm not Mr Perfect, either." He continued, tossing the ball left and right as he spoke.
The ball fell and I reached to pick it up only to have his hands come over mine by accident. His palm was warm. So warm that the temptation to clasp our hands together wouldn't let out. Even when I tried so hard to focus on everything else.
I shoved my hands into my hoodie pouch, clasping my sweaty palms together to ground myself.
Hero continued on, unaware of the inner turmoil in my mind.
"I can be mean and selfish and I end up hurting others because of it. Cash wasn't just talking off his head when he said my motives aren't pure. And he's right for the most part." He mumbled, his eyes distant. "We all have something that brings out the worst in us, something that drives us to make certain decisions. Everyone falls victim to it at some point so don't beat yourself up about it. It's normal. It's life."
I know what he's doing. He's making it seem like my evil thoughts are more common than they should be so that I'd be more open with him about how I really feel. I'm not stupid. Academically, maybe, but on the whole, I understand what he's getting at.
"I hate Melissa." I confessed, wincing at how mean that came out. Hero didn't judge. In fact, he hummed in agreement, nodding like he couldn't agree more. It made me feel like I didn'thave to watch my tongue around him. I got too comfortable. "It's just...they have so much more in common. Makes me feel like I stole him from her. Like I'm the problem and not her. She's smarter than me, and funny and people can actually stand her. Then there's me, the girl who pushed him away for the longest and has the social skills of a bat. Of course he prefers her company over mine. She recognized him the minute she saw him when I thought he was just another popular kid."
I winced and turned to Hero.
"No offense."
"None taken. And, to be fair, he is just another popular kid." He chuckled. "And if you ask me, Mariana's a pain in the ass."
"That's just how she is. It's not a big deal." I mumbled, my blank stare fixed on the bug crawling on Hero's sneakers. "And her name's Melissa."
"Tomato applesauce." He mumbled just as the first drop of rain hit my nose. Hero and I shared a look, a light drizzle showering us in seconds and we quickly rushed to pack up and get out of there.
Hero shut my door close just as the sky began to ugly cry and he nearly got soaked as he went to the driver's side.
"Aren't we lucky." He chuckled as he turned the seat warmer on. I gave him a look."What? You're freezing, aren't you? You have low iron or something? You know, with the whole hoodie thing you got going on..."
"No..." I was pretty cold. "They're comfortable."
He rolled his eyes at that, shifting the gear.
"My place or yours, Harley?"
My brain nearly fried as I tried to come to terms with his suggestion. I flipped to the window side, feeling shy all of a sudden.
"I need to make dinner." I mumbled, a wet towel on my mood as an image of Riley and Cash flitted through my mind.
I thought of what I had to lose if Hero bumped into Riley at our house. In this case, that would be all of him. His support, his welcomed, unconscious invasion of my personal space, his hair, his smile... I can't risk it.
"And Cash's probably home so..."
"Okay...?" Hero laughed. "Come up with a better excuse to get rid of me."
Okay, Riley's probably at my house right now making out with your best friend. How's that for an excuse, Hero? Is that enough to persuade you? Are you convinced now knowing that your girlfriend is hooking up with your best friend?
Why are they putting me in such an uncomfortable and very much deceitful position anyway? I can't take much more of this. I...
The lightbulb of poor excuses lit up, nearly blinding my imaginary friends and silencing the voices in my head.
"I just thought you'd find the whole thing boring. You don't want to watch me cook, now, do you?"
"Why not? I've done it before."
You have? When?
I tried not to think too hard about it.
"This is different."
"How is this different?" He asked and I struggled to form a proper sentence. I gave in to his sweet smile.
"Okay."
Throughout the drive home, I could not keep still for a second. The voices in my head were taking turns choking the life out of me and I'm sure Hero noticed my very much obvious will to jump out into the rain and put an end to my guilty conscience. I caught him checking that the car was really locked twice.
Please don't be home. Please be making out somewhere else. The Cliff...Riley's place...the back of the school...anywhere but home will do, please Cash!
I dropped the key three whole times when we got to the door Not on purpose, I was shaking like an empty bottle over a washing machine. Our clothes were dry since the rain had stopped a few seconds ago but Hero still had to be careful with the puddles in my driveway as he came up behind me. Hero helped me out, taking the key from my shaking form and moving me out of the way, a crease in his brow at my behavior.
"I could just come over another time." He mumbled as he unlocked the door for me. He turned around with a sigh and leaned back, cocking his head to the side. "You're clearly uncomfortable with having me."
"Un-uncomfortable?" I asked, wringing my hands that were tucked at my back. "No, of course not. I do this all the time with Donovan. It's fine really. Y-you should come in."
"Lying really isn't your thing, huh, Harley?" He shoved his hands in his pockets and stepped around me. "It's okay. You can make it up to me tomorrow."
"Make it up to you?" My brows creased in confusion. "How?"
"I'll take you to Burn's." He said. "Or you could come to mine."
I can't risk people seeing him with someone like me, and going to his place without Donovan seems too...intimate. I can't do it.
"I really don't mind." I fumbled with the doorknob, my back to it as I gave Hero a reassuring smile, hoping if they were in there, they would have taken the hint by now and skidaddled elsewhere. "You can help if you want."
Who knows if they're holding hands in there or making out on the couch?
Slowly, agonizingly, unbearably, the door creaked open and I shuffled in first, taking little steps that even short girls couldn't compete with. Hero groaned from behind me, a nonverbal scolding to pick up the pace. My sneakers squeaked against the floor as he held my arms and pushed me to walk faster.
Dinner was made with little help from Hero. He can't cook and I was too stressed out with worries of Riley showing up out of nowhere to teach him so he ended up watching me from the kitchen isle while I speedblitzed around him to make dinner.
At 7:30, dinner was made, tucked onto a platter with fine details of the perfect presentation and the table was set for four despite Hero informing me that he won't be staying until then. He had grabbed his own plate and went ahead, leaving me behind in a silent panick.
"Come on, we've got a score to settle." Hero called out over his shoulder as he plopped down onto the couch. He switched the TV on and patted the space next to him, beckoning me forward with a controller. "There's no way I'm letting you beat me this time."
"Well, um, you play like a little boy." I mumbled, my eyes set on the untouched plate before him. "So..."
"So." He repeated, his eyes flitting across the entire room since I couldn't peel mine off him. "Can you stop?"
"Stop what? I'm not doing anything."
"You're being...you again. Stop."
"I'm not doing anything. You're justâ"
"I'll taste it once you stop being so weird." He stated, pursing his lips to stop his laughter. "You're so easy to read."
"I'm not...That's not what I was thinking about." I mumbled as I went around the coffee table and took a seat next to him." I just...I decided to try something new today and I really want to get an outsiders view on it."
"Can't say I like being called an outsider but, okay, Harley." He rolled his eyes and finally took a bite. His eyes shut close almost instantly as he chewed.
"And?" I blushed, already picking out a nice little grave for myself just incase he didn't like it.
"Marry me."
Huh?
"This must be what love feels like." He moaned, taking another bite. He didn't speak again until he had cleared the plate, giving me enough time to plan out our wedding in my head."Harley, what the hell. That was so good. Now I get why Donovan won't shut up about your cooking."
My blush deepened.
"You're welcome." My barely audible response got stuck in my throat when he turned to me.
Too close. Too close. He's too close.
"Oh." One word and a single syllable was all I needed to blaze to the other end of the couch like my butt was on fire.
"Relax," His mirth was catching. He kicked his feet up on the wooden coffee table and winked at me. I may or may not have drooled a bit."What's got you so anxious anyway? If it's Cash you're worried about, don't be. It's just us here, Harley."
Just us? Together? Alone at my house?
My eyes were glued to his soft hands. Maybe we could do some handholdingâno, he has a girlfriend! Focus, Harley, focus! So what if he hasâ
"Pretty hands."
"Whatâ?"
"What?"
"You just saidâ"
"No I didn't." He's not buying it. "Your hands," Of course my mouth won't close. "they're nice. And soft." Someone get me a tape. "And really pretty."
"Oh."
"I'm sorry," I rushed out. I wouldn't blame him if he stopped talking to me after this."I wasn't trying to make things weird. I was just thinking about it and the words came out before I could catch them. With a net. Hey, Hero, have you ever gone fishing?"
"Not really. Iâ"
"I went once. With my dad. He passed. Um, you already know that he passed..."
"Harleyâ"
"Anyway, dad took me fishing and I forgot that when you throw the line thingy in, you're not supposed to let go of the pole but I did and it fell in. My first thought had been to get it back and the next thing I knew I was being pulled out the cold river and banned from fishing ever again."
"Harleyâ"
"All this to tell you that I really don't think before I do stuff sometimes and I really didn't mean to say that out loud. Please don't leave."
"Harley," He grabbed my shoulders and I felt my heart hammer faster and harder in my chest. He was laughing. "After that meal, you could tell me you're a serial killer and I still wouldn't move an inch."
"We shouldn't be friends." I mumbled, defeated. I melted dejectedly on the couch arm, moping in my lonesome as reality finally hit me. Hero shouldn't have to put up with a creep like me."Why are you friends with me anyway? I'm just going to drag you down with me. And people will hate you and judge you for hanging out with me."
"Then let them."
"Riley will hate you when she finds out you've been allowing me to spread my loser disease onto you."
"Well..."
"Cash doesn't approve."
"He can stuff it."
"Donovan's abandoned me for Melissa."
"What does that have to do with any...of...thisâHarley, what are you doing?"
He was referring to me draping myself off the couch, my foot already swung up on the headrest to slow my slippery slide down to the floor as quickly as a depressed slug. He called me once and nudged my ankle, a deadpan expression on his face as he stared down at me.
I groaned in response just as my head touched the rug.
"Harley." He popped up over me and extended his hand. I took it and he pulled me up. His hand felt so soft.
I groaned again.
"I shouldn't keep you here. I'm basically holding you hostage."
"I drove us here, remember?" He shook his head at me and handed me the controller again. This time, I took it. However unwillingly. "I'm here because I want to be. Stop beating yourself up about it."
"But I'm a loser. And the school's mascot. And Riley's enemy. And everyone hates me. Especially your fans. The Three Unpopular Opinions are so going to kill me when they find out we were together. All alone." I sniffed. "I'm not someone you should want to be seen with, Hero. Rethink your life decisions, please."
Hero chuckled. It sounded like all things heavenly.
"You're so dramatic. It's really not that deep." His smile was dazzling. "And that stupid list will be down by tomorrow. Catherine's got it handled, alright? Now," He nodded at the TV. "I'll let you hold my pretty hand if you beat me."
I pulled our already enclosed hands up, pursing my lips in embarrassment. I hadn't let go when he pulled me up.
He had a hard time shaking my hand off after that. To be fair, I was still stunned by the news of Catherine helping me out to realize I was blocking his blood flow.
He gave me a look as he shook his hand, finally free from my grip.
"Your hands are rough for a girl."
"I wouldn't be a Smith if they weren't. You play basketball. What's your excuse for having soft hands?"
"Shots fired. I guess we're even." He laughed. "I'm not holding back this time. Don't get all moody on me when I beat you."
I grinned.
I can't wait to see his face once he realizes that I had gone easy on him last time. As if I'd let him win after hearing that sweet deal. I'm still a Smith after all and we weren't ones to let an opportunity pass.
Hero lost many times over.
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I squealed.
"Come on, just touch me already." Hero groaned. "What's the big deal anyway? We've held hands before."
He was grouchy because I had straight up flattened him in every single game we played. Even his frown was angelic. Ah, if only I could record this with my phone.
"Not like this." I squealed again, smacking the throw pillow on my own face to hide my blush. "We're alone."
"Okay...?"
"And about to hold hands!" I giggled, clutching the pillow tighter. Hero offered his umpteenth eye roll and sighed. "Is it really that big of a deal? Have you never held any other guy's hand? Donovan's?"
My nose scrunched up in disgust.
"He doesn't count."
"And I do?" Hero sighed. "Harley, why are you so excited about this?"
Because I like you.
"Just ignore me." I exhaled and finally brought my palm to his, intertwining our fingers. His was warm, soft, and just right while mine, though also warm, was as rough as sandpaper.
Hero watched silently as I pulled away, resting my fingertips on his.
"We're so different." I mumbled, my eyes dimming at the realization. "No wonder they all hate me."
"They don't hate you. Riley doesn't hate you." He said, trying to catch my eyes that were downcast. "She's just stressed out and she needed an outlet. That's all that was to her."
He sighed, running his hand through his hair.
"Am I going about this all wrong?" His question was a mumble to himself, his attention solely on his worries. "I can't afford to mess up with her again but it seems like that's all I've been doing lately."
"Have you guys talked about it?"
"Is that even a question?" He frowned, clasping and unclasping our hands. "She's mad at me. Apparently, I'm not allowed to point out her wrongs. She won't even respond to any of my messages."
At that confession,a light flickered from within, filling me with a sense of hope that I didn't have to bear the pain of my reality alone anymore. Hero wasn't just leading me on and pretending to be on my side like Cash had made me think. He had confronted Riley about it, too.
This time, though hesitantly, I slipped my hand into Hero's, giving a light squeeze of gratitude. He squeezed back, a promise and an assurance that he'd always have my back.
That's more than I can say for my own brother. More than I expect from Donovan. Hero had saved me from myself.
They can call me naive or blind all they want, but Hero had been the only one to reach out when I was down. The only one to stand up for me when he should have been the least to care. Riley's his girlfriend after all.
He didn't have to help me or put up with everyone's crappy attitudes. I owe it to him to not doubt his reasons for helping me. I owe it to the old me to change how I approached my reality, how I wanted to shape it.
In the end, it's me that has to deal with all my problems. And in doing so, I'll take all the help I can get. Even if that means upsetting the people closest to me.
I spotted Donovan's car at the front as I walked Hero to his car. He noticed too, giving me a knowing look before he spoke.
"You can't ignore him forever."
"I could always...stay at yours." I rushed out, my voice sharper than I had intended, in a poor attempt at a joke as I searched for my best friend down the street. "Where did he run off to?"
"We could get a leash. Keep him on it so he doesn't wander off to Minda's again."
"It's Melissa, Hero." I full on cackled. "Get it right, will you?"
"Potato gravy." He responded, joining in on my laughter. "She's so fake, it's unbearable."
"And annoying." I added and we burst into fits of laughter. "Do not tell Donovan I said that." I warned, narrowing my eyes at him playfully. He rolled his eyes at that.
"I'm pretty good at keeping secrets, Harley." He answered as he got in his car and I waved as he got on the road and left.
I stretched as I went in, smiling to myself as I hopped on up the stairs. I swirled around my pole in bliss then skipped to my room, my hair flying every which way.
I can't believe Hero can actually stand my company for hours on end. Must be that secret Smith's charm mom's always talking about.
I sashayed to my mirror and struck a pose, "Why, yes, Hero, I will marry you." I giggled, clutching my tummy as the words came out. Those were his words. It came out of his mouth. He's in love with me! He just doesn't know it yet!
"As if hearing you two flirt for hours on end wasn't enough torture."
I jumped eight feet in the air, spinning around to beat the ever living daylights out of the intruder only to see my best friend laying on my bed, legs crossed and cringing at my previous display.
He picked up a book that had been lying open next to him and waved it at me. My mouth dropped open as I recognized the familiar cover of my journal and my blood ran cold.
"Explain."
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