Chapter 23: Desire

DANICA

I couldn’t explain why my heart had stopped, but it didn’t seem to change anything. I was still me, still breathing, still warm, but my heart was as still as stone.

After coming home with Hugo, I crawled into bed. Hugo was unusually quiet, his demeanor colder and more distant than usual.

After a while, I noticed from my window that he had driven off. I was certain it had something to do with my current predicament.

Maybe it was just a side effect of my transition. I hoped it was that simple. But life had taught me that nothing is ever that simple.

I drifted off to sleep. I never considered my dreams to be anything out of the ordinary.

Some people just dream more vividly than others. I was one of those people. But now, knowing that Hugo was the one in those dreams, it changed everything.

If they were just dreams, why was the scene always the same? Not even the fallen tree branches changed their positions. It was always the same.

I didn’t understand what these dreams meant. But they were starting to scare me.

Regardless, I closed my eyes and let my mind take me there.

~I was preparing for bed. Hugo hadn’t shown up last night. We had been meeting at the park for weeks.

He never missed a day. I was beginning to forget the pain. But his absence brought it back, stronger than before.~

~Had he left for good? The thought of never seeing him again made my heart ache.

I had grown to like him more than I had expected. More than I should have.~

~It was raining heavily, the drops pounding against my window. I needed to sleep, my head was throbbing.~

~The rhythm of the rain was off. I sat up in bed and listened more closely. Something was hitting my window.

I unlocked my chain and approached the window. I opened it to see Hugo standing below, pebbles in his hands.~

~A weight lifted from my heart knowing he was here.~

~I made my way downstairs in my shorts and thin white sweater. I walked through the pouring rain toward him.

I took his wet hand in mine and instantly, my pain disappeared. I could finally smile with a clear head. But then the heartache returned, a pain deeper than physical.~

~“I thought you had left for good,” I said.~

~“I’m sorry. I needed to sort some things out,” he replied, looking down at me. “You’ll get sick,” he said, noticing my scant clothing.~

~“Come inside,” I offered him shelter from the rain.~

~He glanced back at the house, contemplating.~

~“Celeste isn’t home. Besides, I’m an adult. I can invite anyone over.” I didn’t wait for his response. I just pulled him inside, our hands intertwined.~

~I led him upstairs to my room through the darkness. He had been in my room before when he broke into my house. It wasn’t a secret.~

~In my room, a single string of lights was on. I helped him out of his soaked jacket. “If you want, you can stay in the guest room, at least until the storm stops,” I told him, avoiding his intense gaze.

It was so strong that I was afraid to meet it, afraid of what I might feel.~

~He was unusually quiet. “Are you okay?” I asked him.~

~“No,” he replied, causing me to look at him.~

~He was staring at me, a desperate look in his eyes. I moved closer, trying to find an answer in his gaze. “What is it?” I asked, concern filling my voice.~

~He shook his head. “I don’t want to lose you.”~

~“Why would you?” I asked hesitantly. “I am here. I am not going anywhere.” If anyone was going to leave, it would be him.~

~He pulled me into a hug, causing me to whimper against him. I wrapped my arms around his back and he held me tightly.

I didn’t understand his sudden display of emotion and it scared me.~

~We were both soaked, water pooling on my hardwood floor beneath us. His head nestled into the crook of my neck, his nose gently brushing against my skin.

Our bodies were flush against each other, and I was terrified he could feel the frantic pace of my heart.~

~Our interactions had always been limited to hand-to-hand contact. That was the extent of our physical connection.

But now, with him pressed against me, my heart pounded even harder than I could have ever imagined.~

~I was certain he could feel my heart hammering in my chest when he placed a tender kiss on the sensitive skin where my neck met my shoulder. Then another.

His grip on me tightened as he whispered reassurances between kisses. “I’ll keep you safe,” he promised.~

~I tilted my head to give him better access, not fully understanding the whirlwind of emotions in my mind, but allowing it to happen nonetheless.~

~I was ready for him to mold me, to shape me as he pleased. I wanted him to do anything and everything to me, and I wanted everything from him.~

~His hands slipped under my sweater, his warm fingers tracing the outline of my ribs. He leaned back, pulling my sweater over my head.~

~His gaze roamed over my body, taking in the sight of me in my loose spaghetti strap top. I felt as though if it were gone, it wouldn’t make much of a difference.

His hands returned to my waist, his eyes never leaving me.~

~My chest heaved with each breath I took. He lowered himself, pressing kisses to my collarbone before pulling me closer.

He sat on the edge of my bed, me standing in front of him, his kisses trailing down my cleavage.~

~His eyes remained closed, relying on his other senses to explore me.~

~With a touch as light as a feather, he slid the straps of my top off my shoulders, leaving me bare before him.

He looked up at me, and the intensity of his gaze made my knees weak.~

~I had always held him in high regard, more than just a friend. But my fear of rejection had always stopped me from believing he felt the same.~

~He brought his lips to my breasts, leaving a trail of kisses across my skin. I had been touched by men before, but never like this.

Never as if I were a goddess. No one had ever made me feel so beautiful, so deserving of love. But he did. His attention alone made me feel as though I understood what love truly was.~

~Then he stopped. His eyes closed, he pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around my lower back, his head resting against my stomach.

He fell silent, still. “Hugo…” I was scared, unsure of what was going through his mind.~

~He didn’t respond. “Hugo, are you okay?” I asked.~

~He shook his head slowly. “I need to leave you.”~

~“Oh…,” was all I could manage to say. I pushed him away, quickly pulling my sweater back on. “Well then I’ll see you at the park tomorrow,” I said, my back to him, pretending that I wasn’t overthinking every detail, that I wasn’t terrified I had done something wrong, or that he had simply decided he didn’t want me.~

~He was silent. I turned to look at him. Tears were silently streaming down his face as he watched me.~

~“…Hugo…” my voice wavered, filled with confusion and fear. “Are you okay?”~

~He didn’t respond, just continued to watch me in silence.~

~“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked, forcing a smile, my voice barely a whisper.~

~He slowly stood, making his way to the door. I shook my head, refusing to believe what I thought was happening.~

~“You will be at the park tomorrow, right!” I asked, my voice rising in panic.~

~He paused in my doorway, but didn’t say a word.~

~“Hugo!” I called out to him.~

~His eyes met mine, filled with a despair I had never seen before. “I will do everything to keep you safe,” he said before walking out the door.~

~I stood there, frozen, my body going cold. I knew he wasn’t human, not like me. But I never thought I would lose him.~

~I had always believed, for some strange reason, that he would always be there.~

~But he was gone.~