Chapter 26: Agony

DANICA

Hugo hung back as I ventured deeper into the woods, a place that no longer held any fear for me. I found a spot with a clear view of the sky, nothing extraordinary, but it was all I needed.

My thoughts were a jumbled mess. I couldn’t form a single coherent idea. There was this strange sensation in my chest, like something was simmering, ready to explode.

Each experience here was increasingly horrific, each bout of agony more intense than the last. I understood why some chose to end their own lives to escape this. It seemed easier to just let go, to not feel any pain at all.

Pain is a cruel teacher, it makes you realize that if you’re in pain, you’re useless. Why endure it when you can just die and forget all about it?

A piercing pain in my ears rendered me almost completely deaf. My vision was obscured as if I was looking through a layer of plastic wrap, only able to make out vague shapes. There was something in front of me, not human, covered in fur, with horns atop its head.

I was certain this wasn’t real. I kept reassuring myself that this was all an illusion, that it would pass, and I would be okay. The creature extended a hand toward me.

As it neared my head, I saw it clearly. The hand was covered in black moles and reeked of charred flesh. Despite my insistence that this wasn’t real, the moment its hand touched my head, a searing pain erupted from the center of my brain.

I had to get away. Even if it wasn’t real, it felt terrifyingly authentic. I tried to run but stumbled, my vision impaired.

I couldn’t hear anything. I saw blurry figures in front of me and on either side, but I had no depth perception to gauge their proximity. Two of my senses were gone, leaving me vulnerable and helpless.

I looked around to see more creatures closing in. They were getting closer, and there was nothing I could do. My chest ached, and when the creatures touched me, I experienced a level of pain I never thought possible.

I didn’t know if I could scream or not. All I knew was the pain, and I wanted it to stop. I didn’t know how to make it stop. It felt like hours until my body was left paralyzed, unable to even attempt to dodge the blows.

The pain intensified, but I was helpless, barely able to see, and completely deaf. I was being tortured. I wanted to die.

If I died, the pain would stop. I wanted to disappear along with it. Death seemed like a beacon of light at the end of this torturous tunnel.

Then, as suddenly as they had appeared, they were gone. I was left on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. My eyes were closed, and amidst my cries, I barely noticed that my hearing had returned.

The pain was real, it was subsiding, but I could feel the soreness in my bones and the strain in my neck from all the screaming. I felt something touch my back and I jerked away from it.

I turned to see Hugo kneeling beside me. He looked better than before, his stained shirt replaced by a jacket. He gave no indication of any wound, appearing perfectly fine.

As quickly as I had pushed him away, I found myself clinging to him, forgetting everything that had happened before this ordeal. I cried into his shoulder, my hands clutching his thick jacket.

He held me until my bones felt better, until the pain was a distant memory. But I was weak, and I dreaded what might come next. I pulled away from his embrace, tears still streaming down my face, shaking as I looked around.

I half-expected to see those creatures again, but I knew they were gone. “I can’t do this,” I sobbed, my voice high-pitched and childlike.

I saw the fear wash over Hugo’s face. He knew all too well the lengths some went to escape this pain. They simply stopped. Everything.

“No!” he almost shouted at me. “You can’t give up,” he said, as if I had just uttered the most absurd thing imaginable. But to me, it seemed like the only logical option. As twisted as it sounded, I wanted to die.

“Did you feel the pain?” I asked him, my voice husky and low.

“I…I felt a tingle, but…,” he began, but I cut him off.

My insides felt like they were being torn apart every time I tried to speak. It was agony. “I’m so relieved…so relieved that you can’t feel what I felt there. But it hurts,” I sobbed.

“I don’t want to feel it anymore,” I told him, and he cradled my face in his hands. I knew he wasn’t naive. He understood exactly what I was suggesting.

Tears welled up in his eyes. “I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was filled with despair. But he couldn’t lose me if I was never truly his.

This wasn’t his fight. This wasn’t his body that was broken, his mind screaming in agony. And there was absolutely nothing he could do to shield me from this.

“I don’t want to watch you die…please try. If you’re the celestial ruler, it means you have a chance to beat this. Death is your father. Your sister inherited powerful abilities from him…you need to survive this transition, Danica. I need you.” He was trying to paint me as some kind of mighty being, but I was no better than anyone else.

“I’m not like Adelie,” I told him. “It gets worse every time. Hugo, I’d rather die than…,” I began, but he cut me off.

He shook his head. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. I won’t let you do anything, Danica. I won’t let you die and ruin the chance you have. I can’t bear the thought of letting the only person who made me feel alive die. And if that makes me selfish, so be it. I won’t let you die!”

“So you’d rather watch me suffer?” I asked, the last tear slipping from my eye.

His hands dropped to his sides. “Please, try,” he pleaded.

“I don’t want to fight, I just want peace,” I whispered.

“Danica, I can’t let you,” he said, his voice rough with suppressed sobs. He stood up, offering me a hand.

He wouldn’t meet my gaze. But once I was on my feet, his hand stayed in mine. “I’ll do anything you want…anything, just to keep you alive. What’s the price for that?” he asked, his jaw clenched.

“I don’t want anything,” I told him. All I wanted was to never feel that pain again.

“Then what? What can I do to make you…try?” he asked, his voice cracking for the first time. It hurt to see him like this…so vulnerable.

I looked away. I knew I had fallen hard for him when I realized I could endure torture just to make him happy. I’ll try. But that was all I could promise.

He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, I turned and walked toward his car, leaving no room for further conversation.

When we reached his car, he opened the door for me. I knew I was far from home, but not as far as I’d been before. I didn’t want to be trapped in that confined space with him.

“I want to walk home…,” I said, anticipating his protest. “Alone,” I added, and started to walk away.

But he called out to me. I turned back toward him.

“I promise I’ll be fine,” I reassured him.

“Danica…,” he said, frustration evident in his voice.

“Hugo,” I responded. “Please, just let me be alone!” I raised my voice at him.

He hesitated, but finally nodded. He got into his car and drove past me.

I was alone now. Alone with my thoughts. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

I doubted I could survive this torture and become the celestial ruler. All that was left for me was to wait until I was physically incapacitated after one of my transition sessions.

I arrived home late. I quietly opened the door and started up the stairs, but stopped halfway when I noticed Hugo in the living room, watching me. He was cleaned up, but he still looked disheveled.

I went to my bathroom and turned on the faucet, not caring if the water was hot or cold. Nothing seemed to matter anymore, except getting through another day. It was torture, but I was willing to endure it, for one particular person who asked it of me.

I didn’t bother to strip down all the way before getting into the bath, taken aback by the icy chill of the water. I only managed to kick off my shoes, peel off my socks, and wriggle out of my pants before I was sitting in the tub, shivering from the cold.

I was utterly alone. The walk home had left me chilled to the bone, and now I was shaking. I wondered why I had such a strong desire to vanish, to find a place where it was just me, free from the torment of my own thoughts.

But I couldn’t do that to Hugo. He cared about me. He truly did, and I couldn’t bear the thought of causing him such pain. And then there was Celeste. Even though she didn’t exactly enjoy my company, I wanted to believe that my absence would cause her some distress.

I placed my hands on either side of the tub and lowered my head until I was completely submerged. I held my breath. After a moment, my lungs began to scream for air, but I was determined to stay under a little longer.

My grip on the sides of the tub tightened, my knuckles probably turning white from the strain. I was on the brink of losing control, of inhaling water, when suddenly my arms were being yanked upward. I looked up to see Hugo, pulling me up so I could breathe.

I gasped for air, my chest heaving. He looked angry, but also sad, and incredibly frustrated. He let go of my hands, and I fell back into the water, but managed to stay afloat. Had he sensed my struggle for air? Or had he simply been watching me?

“Would you like a toaster with that?” he asked, sitting on the edge of the tub with his back to me. His head was bowed, his gaze fixed on the floor.

“I wasn’t trying to drown myself,” I told him, and it was the truth. I had no intention of ending my life.

“So what then? You were just bored and wanted to see how long you could hold your breath?” His tone was dripping with sarcasm.

Then, silence fell between us. The only sounds were Hugo’s ragged breathing and the gentle lapping of the water in the tub.

“Danica…,” he said, frustration evident in his voice as he buried his face in his hands. I was still sitting in the freezing water, but it didn’t seem to matter anymore. The man in front of me looked utterly defeated, and it was all because of me.

“I promise, that wasn’t my intention,” I tried to reassure him.

He stood up and extended a hand to me, not meeting my gaze. I took his hand and slowly climbed out of the tub, my clothes soaking the floor. He released my hand but still wouldn’t look at me.

“If…this is too much for you…,” he began, his voice strained. “Fine, do what you need to do, just…let me know…and…and.” He closed his eyes, and I felt a lump forming in my throat. “If it’s easier for you…I… I’ll do it. I’ll let you go, free you from this pain, gently and peacefully. I promise.” His voice wavered, and he seemed on the verge of tears.

He walked out of the room, leaving me alone. All I could manage was a whispered, “Hugo…”

I looked down at my ring finger, at the letter “D” engraved there. He had the same ring, a symbol of our bond. I had found my guardian angel…so why was life suddenly so difficult? Why was the thought of death so daunting?