Chapter 26: Chapter 18: The Cowboy Calamity

With his block of rune-related courses done for the day, Vell parted ways with Joan and headed for his next class alone. He made his way across the quad, and stopped in his tracks when he heard the distant, yet distinct, sound of mooing. Vell sighed as his phone began to ring. He saw it was from Harley and put the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey Vell,” Harley said breathlessly. A heavy rumbling in the background nearly drowned out her voice. “Just giving you a heads up, there’s a stampede of crazy mutant cows on the loose. I’m about to get Mufasa’d so good luck and see you on the next-”

A quiet yelp and a burst of static marked the end of the phone call. Vell put his phone away and looked around campus. Far to the western side, he saw a cloud of dust rising -and could see the trees and buildings trembling. He’d barely put that picture together before the first of the stampeding beasts rounded the corner of a building. The cow was unnaturally massive, with bulging muscles that would put a Belgian Blue to shame. Vell stopped looking and started running.

Sprinting was not Vell’s strong suit, nor the strong suit of the various other nerds caught in the path of the stampede. Most dove into nearby buildings, although some of the raging cows broke through doors and rampaged through buildings interiors as well. Vell was going for the more sensible approach of heading for the coast. Swimming a few yards off-shore would be enough to keep him safe for the time being. While Vell was sure of his plan, he was not sure of his ability to outrun the mutant death cows. Every time he glanced over his shoulder, they were getting closer.

Vell took one more look over his shoulder and saw that the stampede was only a few yards behind him, with the coast significantly further away. Vell didn’t stop running, but he did grit his teeth and prepare for the inevitable.

The first impact came not from behind, as Vell expected, but from the side -and it wasn’t followed by a second one. Instead of being trampled, Vell found himself being lifted on the ground and tucked securely under someone’s arm. It took Vell a second to regain his bearings, but he could quickly tell he was moving faster than before. Once he finally reoriented himself, Vell looked up and saw the exact person he’d expected: Leanne.

“Thanks Leanne,” Vell shouted over the noisy hoofbeats of the herd. Leanne did not acknowledge him, as she had higher priorities. While she focused on hauling the two of them away from the danger, Vell glanced around at their surroundings. Leanne was doing a better job keeping ahead of the stampede, but they were still losing ground. Even she wouldn’t make it to the ocean in time. Vell did see a small laboratory building ahead of them.

“How good are you at jumping?” Vell shouted. “We should be safe on a rooftop.”

Leanne pumped her head once in a harsh nod, and used the hand she wasn’t holding Vell with to point at a tree near the short building. She took a deep breath to gain a second wind and pushed herself a little harder. With one mighty leap, she launched herself and Vell to a sturdy looking-branch of the tree. It held under the weight, and Leanne shifted her grip on Vell and then threw him to the rooftop. He landed hard and rolled his way to the rooftop edge to check on her.

Leanne braced herself and leaped from the tree -just as the first of the cows rammed into it. The tree shook under her feet and set her jump awry. Vell watched her launch through the air at an awkward angle. He wasn’t sure how much good it would do, but he held out his hand regardless. Leanne managed to grab onto his wrist, and though she nearly dragged Vell off the rooftop, he managed to hold his place, and hold up Leanne.

“Okay, I got you,” Vell said. He grit his teeth against the pain of his nearly-dislocated shoulder and pulled as hard as he could to help Leanne onto the roof. She climbed up and then fell into a sitting position straightaway, taking a deep breath.

“Thanks.”

Vell rolled over and looked around. He didn’t see anyone but himself and Leanne on the rooftop.

“Who said that?”

Leanne stared at him blankly for a moment before pointing to herself.

“Oh, right,” Vell said. “Sorry. I, uh, I forget you can talk sometimes.”

Leanne shrugged. She had only herself to blame for that. With the awkward exchange out of the way, Leanne stood up and leaned over the edge of the building, and Vell soon joined her. The cows were still stampeding, in a seemingly endless horde. Every now and then one rammed into the building, causing it to tremble. The bovine swarm continued charging, with no apparent goal in mind, nor any end in sight. Vell rubbed his chin and put his glasses on.

“Well, that’s not unexpected,” Vell said. “All these cows are genetically identical. They’re cloned.”

Vell continued scanning while Leanne waited in silence. The glasses struggled to parse data from the confusing jumble of cow meat, but they eventually managed to collect some worthwhile information.

“Well, this is unexpected,” Vell said. “They’re, uh, food.”

Leanne looked down at the stamped, watched them trample an innocent student, and then stared at Vell again.

“I mean, obviously not now,” Vell said. “But they’re cloned from the same template as food. You know, the lab grown meat and, uh, that kind of stuff.”

The technology to grow meat in a lab had been perfected a few years back, and now most of the meat people ate was artificial. Some purists held out for “real” meat, but most accepted that there was no functional difference. Leanne nodded while Vell looked up a school directory on his phone.

“Looks like there’s a department dealing with food production,” Vell said. “I guess they, well, overdid it a little.”

Leanne looked down at the endless cows and nodded. “A little” indeed.

“I was wondering why they didn’t look like any breed I’d ever heard of,” Vell said. “Got the muscles of a Belgian Blue, but those heads are definitely Herefords.”

Vell caught himself over-analyzing the cows and looked up to see Leanne giving him an odd look. Vell bit his tongue and looked down at the cows.

“I, um, I, uh, I dated a girl who, uh, owned a ranch, once,” Vell stammered. “She...told me lots of things. Things about cows.”

The look on Leanne’s face said she wasn’t buying it for a minute. Vell started to sweat.

“We should probably focus on the stampede,” Vell insisted.

What should have been a few steaks had instead become a stampeding horde. From the fact that the cows just kept coming and coming, Vell would guess that the cloning process was still ongoing. Vell considered searching the source for more information, but he doubted the surging river of cows would allow him to get anywhere near their origin point.

“So. We know mostly what’s going on and where to look,” Vell said. He looked to Leanne. “You got anything else to do this loop?”

Leanne took a quick glance at the dining hall and saw that it had mostly been ransacked by the stampede. She sighed, but focused on Vell next. Leanne pointed to him expectantly.

“I, what, I don’t have anything left to do,” Vell said. His face shifted to an even deeper shade of red. “What are you pointing at me for?”

Leanne pointed to the cows, then back at Vell. Vell shook his head so hard his glasses flew off his face.

“I’ve already said everything I know about cows I don’t know anything else and there’s nothing left to do!” After Vell spat out that stream of words at a breakneck pace, he sat down on the edge of the roof. “See you next loop!”

Falling backwards like a scuba diver rolling off the boat, Vell plummeted down into the stampede.

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The breakfast sausage served in the dining hall was pork, not beef, but Vell steered clear of it regardless. It just felt wrong. He ate his morning pancakes and explained the situation, deliberately ignoring the occasional glances from Leanne. After recapping what his glasses had learned, Lee added her knowledge to Vell’s limited appraisal.

“Yes, we do have a laboratory that handles food development,” Lee said. “I’m not entirely sure about the inner workings, though. Surprisingly, this is the first time something has gone wrong there. At least during my tenure at this school.”

Leanne had a look on her face that said the food cloning labs might have caused more than one apocalypse in the past but she, unsurprisingly, did not elaborate. The discussion carried on in spite of her lack of contribution.

“The head of the department is the same man who revolutionized the lab-grown meat technology, one Doctor Ervine Ernest,” Lee said. “A strangely small figure in the Einstein-Odinson College academic community. You’d think the man who keeps us all fed would be more well-connected.”

“Maybe he just likes to keep to himself,” Vell said.

“Perhaps. We’ll find out for ourselves soon enough,” Lee said. “I’ll head that way and talk my way into his good graces.”

“Nobody plays teacher’s pet like you, Lee,” Harley said.

“Don’t say it like that,” Lee complained. Harley cleared her throat and tried again, this time speaking in a poor imitation of Lee’s accent.

“You are most skilled at ingratiating yourself with the faculty, Lee,” Harley said. She even mimicked Lee’s stiff posture as she spoke.

“It got worse,” Lee sighed. “I’m leaving before she does anything else.”

“No, I’m done,” Harley said. She liked making fun of her friends, but she also liked knowing where to draw the line.

“Well I’m leaving regardless,” Lee said. “I’ll report back in once I’ve gotten some information, so expect to hear from me soon.”

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Lee stepped up to the office of Dr. Ervine Ernest. A handmade sign on the door said “always open!” in a cheery font, so Lee let herself in.

“Just a moment,” Dr. Ernest huffed. He was hunched over his desk, examining some paperwork, and didn’t even look up as Lee entered. She looked around his office for a moment as she waited. A single photo of the doctor himself on horseback hung on the wall, alongside an ornamental bull’s skull and a horseshoe hanging on a nail. The western aesthetic certainly spoke to an affinity for cows.

“Alright, that should do it,” Dr. Ernest said. He breathed a sigh of relief and shifted his bulky frame, slowly turning his wizened face towards Lee. “Now what can I-”

A friendly smile on Dr. Ernest’s face vanished in an instant as he laid eyes on Lee, and he stood from his chair with a speed uncharacteristic to someone his age and build.

“Out!”

The rules of the Einstein-Odinson college prevented Dr. Ernest from physically pushing Lee out of his office, but he took every other possible step to ensure she knew she was not welcome. He stormed over to Lee, placing his body to bar any further passage into his office, and then continued walking, forcing the more demure Lee to step back. She continued walking backwards as the solidly built doctor maintained a slow but forceful pace in her direction.

“I’m sorry, I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot,” Lee said.

“Nope, you be quiet, and you get out of my laboratory,” Dr. Ernest commanded. “I know all about you, ‘Lee’ Burrows, and your squadron of cronies. I’ll not be having you interfere.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand,” Lee said. She looked over her shoulder to ensure she wasn’t about to trip over anything as she walked backwards.

“Well I understand perfectly,” Dr. Ernest said. “You show up talking about your father or your curiosity about a topic and suddenly a perfectly promising experiment goes awry. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to!”

“An...odd, yet entirely explicable series of coincidences?” Lee said hesitantly. Dr. Ernest laughed callously.

“The usual Burrows lies,” Ernest spat. “What your family can’t buy or steal it destroys. You can let your father know my experiment will be proceeding as planned, now matter how much he wants you to stop it.”

“With respect, you are deeply incorrect about my relationship with my father,” Lee said. She struggled not to grit her teeth with indignation at the very idea she was engaging in sabotage at her father’s behest.

“I’ll take my chances,” Dr. Ernest insisted. His forceful advance finally pushed Lee across the threshold of the lab, and he grabbed the door as she passed through it. “I don’t want to see you or any of your friends anywhere near this afternoon’s experiment!”

With that, Dr. Ernest slammed the door in Lee’s face. Once the shock of his violent rejection sank in, the primary problem of the day presented itself.

“Oh dear,” Lee mumbled to herself.

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Freddy returned to the dorm with his curly red hair still standing on end. He looked almost shell-shocked.

“I have never been yelled at like that before,” he mumbled.

“Sorry about that,” Lee said. “Thank you for trying.”

The group thanked Freddy for his efforts and sent him on his way, so they could discuss their dilemma in private. Since Lee had been shouted out of Dr. Ernest’s office, the loopers had gone to some of their friends for assistance. Ernest, however, was surprisingly informed about their circle of friends, and shouted away Joan, Kanya and Himiko, and now Freddy, dismissing them all as patsies of Roentgen out to sabotage his latest experiment. Joan, at least, had learned that the experiment was scheduled to start at three o’clock in the afternoon, giving them a very specific time frame for how screwed they were.

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“This is concerning,” Lee said. “We can’t rely on any of our usual standby’s.”

They had discovered that Dr. Ernest, unlike most of the college’s faculty, held a deep distaste for Roentgen and other massive corporations. Roentgen had once bought out the lab Dr. Ernest worked for and then refused to credit Ernest or any of his associates for their previous research, effectively stealing their work out from underneath them. Lee took advantage of the assumption that she worked for her father to prevent many apocalypses, but it had backfired spectacularly on this occasion. Dr. Ernest wouldn’t even hear them out long enough for Lee to explain her rebellious relationship with her parents.

“All of our usual standby’s for preventative measures,” Harley said. “Prevention beats a cure, but a cure still works.”

“How on earth do you suggest we stop a horde of infinitely cloned cows?”

In response, Leanne pointed to Vell. He started shaking his head preemptively.

“Do you have any ideas, Vell?” Lee asked.

“Nope, none, I uh, I don’t,” Vell said. He started backing towards the door slowly. “I don’t know anything about cows, and uh, I never have. In fact, I don’t think cows exist, I think they’re just very fat horses, so obviously, uh, I am unqualified to deal with this and I will see you later.”

Vell backed into the door, opened it, and stepped out, leaving his dumbstruck friends behind.

“I know Vell’s bad at improvising, but that was like, especially bad,” Harley said.

“Indeed,” Lee said. “I wonder what’s causing him to act so strangely.”

Rather than musing on the causes of Vell’s strange behavior, Leanne rolled her eyes and wandered off, leaving Lee and Harley behind with no clue how to proceed.

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Vell had no idea how long he’d spent staring at a wall before the knock on his door came. The sound rattled his senses enough to get his brain unstuck and he stepped up to answer the door. The minute the door cracked open, Leanne pushed her way through.

“Leanne! I, uh, I don’t know why-”

Vell shut up as Leanne clamped a hand down on his mouth and forced it shut. She made a shush gesture with her other hand and then released her vice-like grip on Vell’s jaws. He stayed quiet. Satisfied by his cooperation, Leanne reached into her bookbag and pulled out an old school yearbook. She flipped to a page she had marked and pointed down at a picture. A much younger version of Leanne smiled up at Vell from the aged pages. The younger Leanne looked to be about twelve or thirteen, and was clutching a worn-out teddy bear.

“Okay. That’s a younger version of you. Why are you showing me this?”

Leanne answered by flipping to the rear of the book. She showed off another picture of her younger self, this time in class, reading from a book, and still clinging to that same teddy bear. Then she flipped to another page, showing off a picture of a young Leanne playing soccer -with the same teddy bear cheering from the sidelines.

“So, you had a teddy bear you liked,” Vell said. “Even though you were a bit old for that kind of stuff. What does that have to do with anything?”

Vell looked up from the book to see Leanne holding a very worn-out teddy bear. Vell looked at it for a moment.

“Yeah, I still don’t get it.”

Leanne sighed, tucked the teddy bear under her arm, and grabbed Vell by the collar.

“Don’t be embarrassed about your past, Vell,” Leanne said, enunciating every word very clearly. She released her grip on Vell’s collar and crossed her arms as soon as she was done speaking. Vell looked at the worn-out teddy bear that was still tucked in the crook of Leanne’s arm.

“I guess you’re right,” Vell said. “And, uh, sorry I made you talk.”

Leanne shrugged. Vell looked back into his dorm and sighed.

“I got some things to do,” Vell said. “Thanks for the pep-talk...uh, pep-sentence”

With a quick pat to Vell’s shoulder, Leanne excused herself. Vell pulled out his phone and pulled up a groupchat.

vharlan03:

hey lee

can you pay to get something transported from texas

Lee:

Easily.

Can I ask what?

vharlan03:

it’ll be easier to show you

harley, how fast can you build a robot horse

HARL33:

pretty fast

why

are u planning something

vharlan03:

yes

don’t worry about it

have the horse ready by three

Harley responded with a thumbs up followed by several emojis Vell had never seen before and didn’t care to parse. With a deep sigh, Vell tabbed out of the group chat and made a call.

“Hey dad,” he began. “You remember that stuff I told you to throw away but we both know you didn’t? I need you to transport it to me.”

Vell listened to his father respond and nodded, even though he was on the phone.

“Yeah, I know it’s expensive, I have a friend who’ll cover it- Yes, they can afford that. I know you’re joking but yes, I actually will ask about the truck. What? No, the house is pushing it.”

Vell rubbed his forehead and checked the time.

“Thanks, just try and get it transported by like two-thirty,” he said. “It’s important. Love you, bye.”

Vell hung up the phone and sat down on his bed. He’d done all he could to prepare. Now he could only wait, and get ready to ride.

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Lee appraised the mechanical horse. It was surprisingly well-made, considering the short time frame of its construction. Leanne had carried it into place and prepared the heavy-metal mustang for its rider to the best of her ability.

“You’ve outdone yourself again, Harley,” Lee said.

“Oh I didn’t actually build this,” Harley said, gesturing to the horse. “Turns out Sarah had like six of them lying around.”

“Hm. Should we be concerned about that?”

“I’m concerned about Sarah in general,” Harley said. Lee could only nod in agreement.

The door to the lab slammed open, kicking up a cloud of dust big enough to make Lee concerned whether the janitorial robots were functioning. The man who walked through the door afterwards blasted any thoughts of school cleanliness out of Lee’s head in an instant.

Vell -if it was indeed Vell, nearly unrecognizable as he was- strode through the open doorway with a confident strut. Lee also considered the possibility that the chaps and spurs he wore affected his stride. The massive leather boots alone would’ve made anyone walk funny, but Vell managed them with a confident grace. The tasseled vest and wide-brimmed white hat he wore completed the likeness of the modern cowboy, befitting the saddle held under his arm.

Leanne nodded with silent approval, and Vell gave a knowing nod back. Harley pulled out her phone and snapped a quick picture.

“Nice outfit, Vell,” she noted dryly. “You planning on wrangling the torrent of infinite cows?”

“Yes, actually,” Vell said.

Harley had been prepared for a joke at Vell’s expense, but shifted gears as Vell gave a straight-faced answer.

“Wait, really? Can you do that?”

“This ain’t my first rodeo,” Vell said. He walked over and started strapping the saddle to the robot horse. “Literally. I have been in several rodeos.”

Vell looked to Harley and tipped his hat.

“I was the Pecos County Junior Rodeo champ 8 years running.”

“Sexy,” Harley noted, her voice only slightly tinted with sarcasm. “I’m not entirely sure how your cowboy routine is going to work, though. Like, okay, you and your ridiculous chaps can somehow wrangle the cows, but where are they going to go?”

“To the coastline, probably,” Vell said. He mounted the robotic horse and took hold of the reins. “Most of them will probably end up in the water. Figuring out how to get several thousand cloned cows out of the ocean will be a problem, but not the kind of problem that tramples people to death.”

“We’ll think of a solution,” Lee said. “And work on getting the cloning process shut down while you redirect the cows.”

“Sounds good,” Vell said. He checked the time. They had about two minutes until the cows started coming. He looked at the door to the workshop and then at his friends.

“So, uh...Harley, I can tell you’re trying not to laugh.”

“It’s the spurs, man,” Harley said with a giggle. “The horse is a robot, what the fuck are the spurs for?”

Vell looked down at his boots, and at the metallic hide of the horse.

“I admittedly did not think about that,” Vell said. “But, you know, I figured if I’m doing this, I’m doing it all the way. Spurs and everything.”

“An admirable approach,” Lee said. She also struggled to contain her amusement at Vell’s odd attire. “Have fun cowboying, or whatever it’s called.”

Vell chose not to correct her, partially because he wasn’t sure he knew the proper term, and checked the clock. The seconds ticked away, and Vell’s hands tightened around the reins.

The first moo rang out, and Vell pulled the reins taut and kicked his heels against the side of the metallic steed. Responding like an organic horse would have, the machine sprang to life, tearing out of the workshop at top speed. Vell galloped across campus, secretly hoping he was moving too fast for most people to recognize him. Within seconds the heavy metal mustang had made it to the cloning lab, where the first of the cows were starting to pour into the open.

With a sharp whistle, Vell commanded the attention of the herd. Cows were simple creatures under the best circumstances, and these cloned cows were simpler still, having been alive for only slightly longer than a minute. Their attention was drawn to loud noises, and every head of the herd turned to Vell. As he closed in, he gave another whistle and a sharp shout, spurring the herd to move away from Vell as he approached. The first cow in the crowd started to turn and trot away from Vell, and the rest followed suit.

Careful to control their pace and prevent them from stampeding, Vell rode alongside the herd of cows, corralling them with expert precision in a long march to the coastline.

The other loopers watched from a distance, both impressed and confused that his yeehaw bullshit was actually working. Thanks to Vell’s guiding hand and riding horse, the cows were proceeding in an orderly flow, with each new cow pouring out of the lab following the cow ahead of it. As the torrent of cloned cows continued and the herd grew larger, however, Vell had to cover more ground to keep them corralled, and more and more cows started to drift off course, leading other cows with them. Lee bit her lip.

“We’d better hurry and get that device shut down,” Lee said. Leanne nodded and led the way to the cloning lab. Thanks to Vell’s cattle drive, it was possible for them to squeeze their way into the laboratory. They had made it a few steps into the building before the saw Dr. Ernest overseeing the situation with a look of awe on his face. He averted his gaze from Vell’s display of cowboy acumen to look down at Lee.

“Dr. Ernest, I know what you’re thinking-”

“Do you?” Ernest said. “Because right now what I’m thinking is-”

Ernest looked up at Vell, and watched another cow nearly slip away before Vell managed to herd them back in.

“That’s not a one-cowboy job.”

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Vell gave a shout to warn a rogue heifer they were getting out of line, and rode alongside them to push them back into place. No sooner had he done so than another cow further up in the herd began to wander off. They were still only halfway to the coastline and the herd showed no signs of getting smaller. He had to keep them in line just a little bit longer. Even as he had that thought, another group at the back of the herd began to break loose, and Vell wasn’t sure his robotic horse was fast enough to corral them in time.

A sharp yet familiar whistle rang out from the rear of the heard. Vell stared on as a portly man on another robotic horse galloped into view and got the rogue cows in line. As soon as the herd was moving as an orderly unit once more, Dr. Ernest rode up alongside Vell and shouted above the din of the herd.

“You take the lead, young man, I’ll bring up the rear and bring these heifers in line,” Ernest said. His voice had taken on an edge of faux-southern drawl.

“Okay, sounds good,” Vell said. He wasn’t sure what to make of Dr. Ernest or his fake accent. “I’m trying to lead them to the coast. It’s the only place with enough room for all of them.”

“I can set with that,” Dr. Ernest said. Vell had no idea what it meant, but Ernest rode off and started herding, so Vell assumed it meant he agreed.

With the combined power of two cowboys, the herd became a manageable affair. The mostly-mindless cloned cows fell into line and made the long march to the coast. Some ended up wandering into the water of their own accord, while Vell and Dr. Ernest had to guide others into it as time went on, just to make room for the cows that were still flowing from the lab. As the seemingly endless flow began to slow and finally, the last of the cows came into view, Vell circled back with Dr. Ernest.

“I don’t know how I feel about them being in the ocean,” Vell said. “I feel like some of them might drown.”

“Oh, not to worry, my dear boy,” Ernest said. He had thankfully dropped the fake cowboy accent. “These poor things were meant to be steaks, not fully functioning organisms. They’re all probably going to go through acute organ failure within an hour or so.”

“I suppose that’s sort of better,” Vell said. They were all still going to die, but it wouldn’t be Vell’s fault, at least. While Vell contemplated his role in bovine mortality, school security finally figured out how to handle a sudden surplus of cows. Autonomous drones began constructing an electric fence around the herd to keep it contained. Dr. Ernest nodded approvingly as the robots worked.

“Come on, looks like your friends got the situation under control,” Dr. Ernest said. “We should check in.”

With a quick tug to the reins of his mechanical horse, Dr. Ernest turned and headed back for the cloning lab. Vell followed close behind. He gladly dismounted as soon as they reached the lab. It had been a while since he’d ridden, and his thighs were on fire from gripping the saddle. He and Dr. Ernest made a bow-legged walk back into the central lab, which was in disarray and still smelled of cows. Lee triumphantly held up a handful of frayed wires.

“Your custom power core was faulty,” she said. “Overcharged your machine and sent everything running at two-hundred percent capacity. Leanne ripped the battery out and got everything powered down.”

From across the room, Leanne gave a thumbs up and spat out a bit of nanomachine solution. Dr. Ernest stared at Lee for a moment. Her confident posture withered under his glare.

“I’m sorry, but you should know-”

“Wait,” Dr, Ernest said, holding up a hand to stop her. He then turned to Vell and tucked his hands into his belt. “Any man who can ride like you rides with the true spirit of the west.”

“Uh...Okay?”

“Do you trust her?” Dr. Ernest asked.

“With my life,” Vell said. On a daily basis, Vell thought to himself, whether he liked it or not. It helped that he liked it.

“Then I owe you an apology, Ms. Burrows,” Dr. Ernest said. Lee shared a quick, awkward glance with Vell. This was a very strange turn of opinion, to say the least, but Lee would not take it for granted.

“It’s quite alright, Doctor,” Lee said. “I know I like to throw my father’s name around for my own benefit, but I assure you, I have never worked on his behalf and never will.”

The hateful edge in Lee’s voice made that clear straight away. Dr. Ernest rubbed his gray beard and adjusted the straps of his riding chaps.

“I suppose I must believe you, but then, you do still have an odd habit of being nearby whenever something goes wrong.”

Leanne ducked behind the nearest desk and out of sight. The remaining loopers were left to hem and haw as they sought a suitable explanation for their actions.

“Uh...Lee can see the future!” Vell spat. It took him a second to realize he’d said the words out loud instead of just thinking them. He clapped a hand over his own mouth too late to silence his own stupidity.

“What?”

“Right, yeah,” Harley said, seizing the moronic momentum. “It’s a, a side effect of all the magic exposure in her family!”

“Yes it’s well, it’s a gift and a curse, you know,” Lee said, glaring at Vell. “And it only works when disaster is about to strike! It’s not on demand, you know, much as I might like.”

“I suppose that explains it, then,” Dr. Ernest said, awestruck. Oracles were not unheard of, but they were rare, being even less common than dragons, and those few that did exist often met unfortunate ends as a result of their own “gifts”. Fully aware of these facts but fully unaware Vell had been talking out of his ass, Dr. Ernest advised caution. “Do be careful, then.”

“Of course. And, naturally, I hope we can keep this between us.”

“You can count on me,” Dr. Ernest said. He turned to Vell again and tipped his hat. “We’ve ridden together. I would not defile that sacred trust.”

Vell bid a fond goodbye to his riding partner and stepped out of the lab. He removed his hat the minute Ernest was out the door.

“You know, I wasn’t embarrassed about this before, but that guy found a way,” Vell sighed.

“What, you don’t believe in the sacred bond that exists between boys of the cow?” Harley mocked. Vell whacked her on the head with his hat.

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The dorm room door hadn’t even shut behind Vell when he started unbuckling his chaps. Having to walk around campus in his gear had made him remember why he’d taken a break from riding in the first place. Everything he had to wear was heavy and uncomfortable. The spurs also jingled and jangled, drawing attention to him when he didn’t necessarily want it. Vell dragged the chaps behind him as he headed back to his bedroom. The door was already open when he got to it. Vell sighed and stepped inside.

“Hey Joan,” he said.

“Hey cowboy,” Joan said. “Anyone ever tell you you look ridiculous in that getup?”

“Several times, just on my way back to the dorm, actually,” Vell said. He sat down on the bed next to her.

“Well it’s true,” Joan said. She took the cowboy hat off his head and put it on her own. “I suppose it’s kind of cute, though.”

“Glad you think so,” Vell said. All the mockery made it hard for Vell to continue being as proud as Leanne had convinced him to be.

“So,” Joan began. “You going to take me for a ride tonight?”

“I guess I could. I left the saddle with the robo-horses, though it’s not really meant for two-”

Joan elbowed him the ribs, and the impact knocked Vell’s brain back onto the right track.

“Oh, uh, right, other kind of ride,” Vell said. “I would, but, uh, horseback riding is killer on the hips even when the horse isn’t made of titanium.”

“Fair enough,” Joan said. “Though since you mentioned it, I suppose an actual horseback ride wouldn’t be so bad sometime.”

“Maybe you can come visit my dad’s ranch one day,” Vell said. “Nothing compares to the real thing.”

“It’s a date,” Joan said.