The Lycan's home is a thirty-minute walk from the Pack House. Cora and Sabrina try to fill that time with chatter, no doubt an attempt to take my mind off this upcoming trial, but it does little to ease my anxiety.
The unfamiliar peace and comfort I felt at the lycan's house are long forgotten. I welcome the pit of anxiety in my stomach like an old friend. Walking away from Kairos makes my body unbearably cold. Being around the girls does little to defend against the loneliness I feel. I listen to their conversation with one ear as my thoughts carry me away.
Why would Alpha Briar call a trial on me?
I'm obviously not a rogue since I haven't killed any of his pack members. I haven't done anything wrong. He has nothing against me. I always thought we had a cordial relationship!
Is it because of Maxton?
He never worried about his son rejecting me before. So why now?
Do they know Kairos marked me?
Maybe this is about the Archives! As a marked woman, I have to stay with my mate, which means I would eventually have to stop being the Head Archivist of the Rolling Woods Pack. I doubt Kairos has plans to stay here long. I don't even know why they're here. And this is under the assumption that we stay mated.
I don't even know why he marked me! Sure, I was dying. Sure, he said he was planning to do it anyway. But he was probably just flirting. Maybe trying to make light of the fact that he marked a wolf-shifter?
The familiar cold loneliness has snapped me out of my previous daze full of rainbows and butterflies. I'd love to live in a world where things worked out, and I had a mate who wanted me. But I can't allow myself to pretend.
Because it's not true. It's never been true. And I doubt it ever will be true.
I can't allow myself to think like this is okay. Because it's not fair. Not fair to Kairos. Or Sabrina. Or Cora. Or the rest of the lycans. They deserve a better mate and packmate. They deserve better than me. They deserve someone who didn't coerce them into joining by almost dying! I have nothing to offer them. Guilt settles in my stomach again.
I don't deserve this. They deserve better. They're stuck with me because I was stupid and just had to try to die slowly. I should've gotten it over with. Made it fast. So they wouldn't have been obligated to save my life.
"You alright?" Sabrina asks, peering over at me since I've started to trail slightly behind them.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I mumble, my head downcast as my stomach starts to hurt. The deep wound on my stomach was already aching, but the anxiety feels like it's eating away at my insides. I wince.
There's too much to think about. Too much has happened.
I almost killed myself. I almost turned rogue. I saw Blessing kissing Maxton. My parents defended her.
All my bonds broke. My bond with my parents is gone.
Did Dad and Mom know about Blessing and Maxton? When did their relationship start? Will I see them today? What do I say to them? What are they thinking? Are they angry with me? Do they know where I am? Do they understand how much they've hurt me? Will our relationship ever be the same?
I'm somehow mated to a lycan. How does Kairos feel? Does he resent me? Did he do it out of obligation? Does he even want this? How did all of this happen?
Holy shit! Did anyone open the Archives today?!
Fuck the stomach pain. I feel a migraine coming on.
My mind is racing. There's just too much. So much. I'm not sure if I want to scream or stay silent or cry or throw another table at the wall.
Before I can allow myself to hyperventilate any further, the Pack House comes into view.
"Don't worry, Hazel. We got this!" Cora tries to reassure me, but there's a hint of worry in her eyes.
I'm not prepared for this. My mind's a mess. There's too much to think about. Kairos. The lycans. My parents. This trial. Alpha Briar.
It's too much.
Nonetheless, I get no respite as we walk up the stairs to the doors. To my surprise, Florentine is waiting out front.
"Hazel, oh, thank the Goddess! You're alright!" She exclaims while rushing over and forcibly pulling me into a hug. "What happened?!"
"I'm alright. Just had a rough night, that's all." I give her a forced smile. She continues fussing over me before noticing Cora and Sabrina.
"Thank you for contacting me. I would've never known," she says. They smile, but before they can respond, Florentine continues. "I know you have a case, but..."
"But what?" Cora presses.
"They won't allow non-Rolling Wood pack members into the courtroom."
"Shit," Cora curses. "But we have the Royal Messenger with us. They have to let her in!"
"Is she here with you right now?" Florentine asks with a hopeful look on her face.
"No, she'll be here soon though."
"Well, shit indeed," Florentine curses. Cora and Sabrina look taken aback at Florentine's language. It must be their first time talking to her.
She ponders over it for a second before sighing. "There's no way I can get you two inside right now, Alpha's orders. And Hazel can't wait for you because then she'll miss her trial and forfeit her right to defend herself. I'm sorry, Hazel. But we have to go in now."
"You'll be with me?" I ask. Florentine gives me a wobbly smile.
"I have to sit with the Pack Elders, dear. I'm sorry."
I'm cold.
"Ah, it's alright," I force another smile, but the dread has taken permanent residence in my stomach. I feel my shoulders droop. Sabrina grabs my hand, her face painted with concern.
I'm so cold.
"I'll tell the boys to hurry up! You can do this, okay!" She tells me with an encouraging look. Cora does the same. I politely nod and smile while they throw out words of reassurance, but I can hardly bring myself to listen.
I'm empty. I feel so empty. Like a bucket full of holes. No matter how much water you pour in, it always drains right out.
"It's okay, guys," I cut them off with the same forced, serene smile. "I'll be alright. No need to worry about me!" I glance towards the doors. "I should get going now."
Has it always been this cold?
I pull my hands from their grasp and turn towards the doors.
Yes. Yes, it has.
I'm used to doing things alone. This is no different.
You will always have somebody as long as you have yourself.
It has to be enough for me. It has to. Because I have no other choice.
I turn the knob and open the door.
Word Count: 1162 words
Hi guys!!! Slightly anti-climactic chapter, I know but felt like we needed some of hazel's thoughts before we move on to the next thing. plus I have the next one cooking up right now!
I wrote this while bingewatching the first two despicable me movies. I tried to stay serious while writing this but if there's any vibes abt a villain trying to steal the moon with his hoard of yellow minions emanating from my writing, that's why.
i think I'm good tho. hopefully
I love despicable me btw
TRIAL COMING UP IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!! DUN DUN DUNNNN
hope yall are enjoying! please comment and vote :)
love, libahrary