Gun viciously glanced at the man behind the wheel. After the incident earlier, Off just dragged him into the car despite all his protests.
"This is kidnapping," he said trying to break that awkward silence between them as they set out into the night with him not knowing where he'd be taken.
But Off just smiled at him. They'd been driving for more than an hour. He looked outside to know where they were heading and he was surprised to see that they were going out of the city.
"So where are you really taking me?"
He should have been frantic considering the situation he was in. But for some reason he found himself trusting Off.
"Somewhere with only the two of us," Off answered before stepping on the gas.
_____
Gun woke up to the sound of the waves and chirping of the birds. He slowly opened his eyes and smiled as he thought of that familiar scene that happened long ago by the beach. He looked at Off who was still sleeping next to him. As much as he wanted to deny his remaining feelings for him, he couldn't lie to himself.
Yes, he was hurt to the point he thought he'd no longer be able to move on. But when he saw Off's face again after so many years, he couldn't deny that he fell for him all over again. Or did he even stop loving him?
And as he settled on his seat, looking at the only person he'd loved in his lifetime, he couldn't help but wonder what their lives could have been if they were able to save their relationship.
âââââ ââ ââ â âââââ
5 years ago. Sometime in August.
Gun puffed a huge amount of air as he looked at the application letter he had printed for the nth time.
He had been rejected...again.
He never knew that looking for an actual job would be this hard.
He then dialed Off's number but was only greeted by the operator saying the number was unattended.
They were supposed to look for a job together since Off didn't really want to work in their family's company as he wanted to be independent but he was suddenly summoned by his mother.
To: Love
Didn't get the job. Call me if you're free to talk.
He plopped on the chair and opened his laptop. He stared at the script he started writing out of boredom last night.
He sighed and continued writing it. Maybe he'd try his luck and make good use of the ideas that were flooding his mind.
-----
He stared at his phone for the nth time as he lied down in his bed. It had been five days since Off went home and he'd been unreachable ever since. He was starting to get worried but then he remembered the situation they were in.
What if he is actually preparing for his wedding with Mild?
Are they choosing motif for the wedding?
Are they tasting cakes?
Are they choosing rings?
Are they trying on their wedding dress and suits?
All these thoughts ran in his mind as he stared at the ceiling of his room and he couldn't help but get worried.... and nervous.
*Beep*
He almost fell off his bed as he scampered to get his phone, hoping that the message came from him, only to be disappointed at the text notification of his load expiration.
"Urgh. Seriously?" he grunted as he threw his phone on the table.
_____
5 years ago. Sometime in September.
Gun looked at Off who was staring blankly at his phone. After being gone and unreachable for two weeks, he came back looking as sullen as ever, but when Gun asked him what was wrong, all he answered was he was tired from driving.
"You okay?" he asked as he placed a glass of water in front of him.
They were currently at Off's condo. Laid in front of them were the application letters Gun had been revising since last night.
He was starting to lose hope of finding a job that would fit his degree, but he was still taking his shot. But with Off being silent and restless beside him, he couldn't even finish revising his application letters.
"Yeah, just a bit tired," Off replied before laying his head on Gun's lap.
"You know what, I missed your voice. Will you sing me a song?" he asked while slowly running his fingers through Off's hair.
Off grabbed his hand and held it tightly before closing his eyes. He held Gun's hand close to his chest and sighed before he started singing.
I've got a love, I've got a love for you
I've got a place in this old heart for you
And I want to tell you that I want you
Any way I can
I want to take you in my arms, I do
I'll light a flame and let it burn for you
And if I ran then I would run to you
Every time
The only place
It's where I want to be
Forevermore
I want to talk, I want to talk with you
I want to tell you anything, I do
And when I go, and when I leave, it's you
On my mind
I want to vanish in the night with you
I want to take you round the town, I do
I'm gonna make some kind of life for you
Any way I can
It's where I want to be
The only place
Forevermore
And I will always try and move you, baby
Forevermore
Forevermore
Gun smiled as Off placed a kiss on his hand. He then opened his eyes to look at him.
"You could definitely be a singer if you want."
"Nah. I want you to be the only one hearing my voice."
Gun chuckled and continued running his fingers through Off's hair.
"So, what were you up to during the days you were gone?"
Gun felt him stilled.
"I-uh. Just some family matters. Nothing much."
Gun remained silent. He wanted to believe what Off just said but a part of him was telling him there was more to Off's answer.
Off then suddenly got up and grabbed his hand.
"What are you doing?"
Off didn't answer and just dragged Gun to the terrace. They were greeted by the cold air, but they didn't care.
Gun watched as Off fished his phone out of his pocket and put on some music.
"May I have this dance?" Off offered his hand.
"What the hell are you doing, Off?" Gun chortled still not taking Off's hand. Instead, he crossed his arms across his chest and stared at Off.
"Oh come on. Just dance with me, will you?" Off grabbed his hands and put them on his shoulders. He felt him wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him close.
I wanna take you everywhere I go
Have you by my side
Take a walk 'round in every town
Drive across state lines
Like the sun sends a golden stream
In to our front room
I could be the same old light
For you
They slowly swayed their bodies to the music as they stared at each other's eyes, both under a spell they cast on themselves as they danced under the moon and stars.
Like the morning is always new
I'll give it back to you
Like the rain, it just passes through
For all you give
I'll give it back to you
Gun smiled as Off pulled him closer, pressing their bodies even more. He felt his cheeks heating up despite the cold wind because of Off's intent stares.
Off sang along to the song and Gun couldn't help but smile. He bowed his head to conceal his blushing face from him.
I think about it like a man in need
Every time I'm gone
Wait to see you like a mile long train
Is passing by your door
And my life is set around you now
Tangled up the same
And I will be
The one who calls your name
He laid his head on Off's chest. He remained silent as he listened to Off's voice and heartbeat. He wanted to savor every bit of that moment like it was their last. He felt a kiss on his head and he hugged Off even more as he felt his chest tighten upon the thought of Off being away from him.
Like the night comes black and blue
I'll give it back to you
Like a road runs straight and true
For all you give
I'll give it back to you.
Gun buried his face on Off's chest to hide the tears that were slowly brimming on his eyes. He didn't even know why he was crying and that made it worse. He wanted to shrug off that nagging feeling he had, but he couldn't. So he just held on to Off as tightly as he could as he swallowed the lump in his throat.
-----
5 years ago. Sometime in October.
"Do you know where Off is, Tay? Haven't seen him for days," Gun asked over the phone.
It was gonna be his birthday in three days. He wanted to go back to Pattaya with Off but he was unreachable for days already. He went to his condo but there was no sign of him.
|I'm sorry, Gun but he didn't contact me as well. I guess he's gone home.| Tay replied.
He ended the call after bidding Tay goodbye. He dropped himself on the sofa in Off's unit.
The place was filled with furniture and appliances and traces of Off, but it somehow felt empty.
He hadn't contacted him for days and he was even unreachable. He was confused and desperate at the same time, slowly falling into a hole of uncertainties and doubts.
Yes, Off asked Gun to trust him but as the days passed by, Off was slowly breaking his trust by suddenly going missing and uncontactable for days.
"Where are you, Off?" he whimpered as he wiped the tears on his face.
-----
5 years ago. The night before Gun's birthday.
Gun bit his lips as he hesitantly handed the bill to the taxi driver. Desperate as he was, he impulsively hailed a taxi going to Off's hometown not even minding how late it was.
With nothing but his wallet with a handful of bills and his phone, he took the risk of traveling for hours hoping he'd see him there.
He had just been there once and luckily he was still able to find his way.
He glanced at his watch, the one Off gave him. 10:10 pm it said.
To: Love
Love, wer r u? I'm at the front of ur house.
Minutes passed but there was no reply. He dialled his number. It rang but he didn't answer.
On his third attempt, his heart skipped a beat when he finally picked up.
"Love, where are you? I'm outside your house," he exclaimed not even giving Off a chance to greet him.
|I'm sorry but who's this?|
Gun froze upon hearing a female voice, a very familiar female voice.
"Mild," he muttered silently.
|I'm so sorry but your number's unregistered on my fiancé's phone. So can you tell me who is this?|
He cleared his throat and bit his lips to stifle a cry before answering.
"Uhm, it's meâ."
|Mild, who is it?|
Gun bit his lips even harder as he heard Off's voice on the other line. His hands were shaking as he held his phone tightly over his ear. He had this urge to barge inside the house and drag Off outside but he stayed rooted in his place.
|Oh are you done showering? Oh this one? Just nobody. Somebody dialled the wrong number.|
Gun let out a silent cry as the other line got cut off. He bit his lips harder, so hard he tasted his own blood. Tears started streaming down his face and he didn't even bother wiping them.
His hands were shaking and his breath labored.
He tried so hard not to cry but suppressing his emotions only made it hard to breathe.
His clutched his chest gasping for air as he held on to the car parked next to him.
All the strings of trust he had for Off just disappeared into thin air. His words asking him to trust Off then started ringing in his ears and that made him cry even more.
He slowly crouched on the ground still clutching his chest as he cried silent tears.
"That's why I don't do love. It's all just shit the moment somebody decides to take a leave. And what's worse is some leave without saying a word."
Gun slowly lifted his head to look at the man inside the car.
"I'm Jaylerr by the way. The cousin and sworn enemy of the man behind your tears. Remember me? I guess you've seen me before when you first came here."
The man with equally the same features as Off smiled at him. Gun then stood up while wiping the tears on his face.
He started to walk away as he had no time to chitchat with him but Jaylerr went out of his car and ran after him.
"Hey, where are you going? It's already late."
Gun just stared at him, his jaws clenching and his face wet with tears as he looked at the man in front of him. And he felt another pang of pain in his chest as he reminded him so much of Off.
But he didn't say a word, not even when Jaylerr grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the car. He didn't care anymore. All he wanted was to get away.
-----
Jaylerr placed a plastic of beer beside Gun who was digging his toes in the sand. Jaylerr sat beside him and handed him a can.
He grabbed it without saying a word.
"So, my cousin didn't tell you he was bound to get married?"
He didn't answer. Of course he knew it, but he didn't say a word. He just finished the beer in one shot, gulping its contents hoping it would drown his heartache.
"They are actually already on the preparation stage. They just came from choosing rings earlier."
"Can you just shut up? Stop rubbing it in my face."
"It's easier to move on if you know the truth. Being hurt by the reality is better than being blinded by the fantasy you create to save yourself from heartache."
"Are you a love guru or what?"
"No. Let's just say I've had a fair share of unmet expectations and heartaches. That's why I don't do love anymore. I'd rather jump from one bed to another than get stuck in one person's heart. At least when I wake up in someone else's bed with no feelings attached, it's easier to get going."
"You're heartless," Gun muttered as he opened another can and gulped its contents.
"At least I say it upfront so they wouldn't be kept in the dark."
Gun stayed silent and looked at his feet, now completely buried in the sand.
"He told me to trust him, to wait for him and I did," he snorted. "He's been gone for days without saying a word. The desperate that I am went to his house only to find him spending those days with his...fiancée."
Gun chuckled as the last word sounded bitter to his ears. He aggressively wiped the tears that fell down his face.
"So what's your plan?"
With teary eyes, he glanced at Jaylerr who was chugging his beer.
"I don't know. I don't wanna think about anything at the moment," he replied as he looked down at his feet. He started drawing random shapes in the sand in the hopes of distracting himself from thinking about Off, but it didn't work.
They stayed silent for a long time. Only the waves washing ashore and his stifled cries could be heard.
"I can't believe I'm celebrating the first minutes of my birthday with a stranger who totally looks like the one I love," he laughed bitterly as he looked at his watch with its hands pointing to 12.
Jaylerr chuckled and rested his hand on his shoulder.
"Happy birthday, Gun."
____________
Songs used:
Paper Kites - By My Side
Paper Kites - For All You Give