The Talk
I was taken aback when Grant kissed me. I was even more taken aback when I kissed him back. Common sense said that there was no way Grant and I could be together, it told me to stop acting like a little girl. Love is for children. I know that. So why did I want this? Why was there a part of me that wanted so desperately for this to work out?
It made my head spin. Grant was the one to break the kiss and he did so with a smug smile. "I think that's the first time you've ever kissed me back."
I scowled. "Don't expect it to happen again."
He grinned. "I think I'll push my luck."
"You already have," I said in warning.
He laughed and pressed his lips to my forehead. "I am sorry," he whispered against my skin. "It's been made glaringly obvious that I have quite a lot to learn."
I looked down. "You weren't wrong about me though. I killed those wolves in cold blood."
"You were only out in that forest because my father had pushed you to lose control," Grant said in my defense.
I gave him a grim smile. "The blood is still on my hands. I should've have better control over my emotions, I shouldn't have let him get to me."
He sighed, "You aren't going to let yourself off the hook, are you?"
He sounded so much like Jason for a second. "You aren't the first person to think I ought to stop punishing myself."
"Then why don't you?" he asked.
"You don't understand," I said softly. "I don't believe in any god, I don't believe there is a heaven and more importantly I don't believe there is a hell where we pay for our sins. There is only this life, nothing after. That means the people I've killed, they're just gone and the only way I can pay for what I did is to do it in this life."
He looked at me sadly, "That's a very grim way to look at life, Katrina. It's a way you didn't use to look at it."
"People change," I said in way of explanation. "I'd think you'd know that better than anyone." Anyone besides me.
He raised a critical eyebrow. "Why? Because you've change?"
I felt the corn of my mouth twist up. "No, you fool. Because you have." His eyes widened in surprise and my smile grew. "You aren't the arrogant, obnoxious, above-everyone-else kid you were when I left. The kid I grew up with would never admit to being wrong, nor apologize for it. And he'd never admit that he didn't know everything. You've grown."
"You're giving the boy way too much credit," Lily said starling us.
I looked at her standing in the doorway. "How long have you been there?" I asked red-cheeked and hoping the answer wasn't what I thought it was.
She smirked, "I walked in on you two kissing and neither of you seemed to notice me."
I swallowed a dry lump in my throat. "I can, uh..."
"Explain?" she finished smiling. She looked at Grant and said in a singsong voice, "My mate's gonna kill you!"
"Lily!" I hissed.
She grinned at me. "You know he is! Remember when you kissed that weird kid in your senior class and Jason broke his arm in three places?"
"His name was Victor Urey and he was not weird," I said. "And also he and every other guy in that school never talked to me again!"
She waved a hand. "The kid didn't eat cheese."
"He was lactose-intolerant!" I exclaimed.
"Pfft, weird nonetheless."
I rolled my eyes. She can be one of the weirdest people on the planet sometimes. "Do you need to tell Jason?" I asked changing the subject.
She pursed her lips. "You know I don't approved of keeping secrets from Jason."
I stared at her flabbergasted. "You keep more secrets from him than anyone and he is your mate." My words nagged back at me. While I was joking with my sister wasn't I doing the very same thing to Grant? The secret I'm keeping from him is far bigger than all of Lily's combined. I almost told him. "You can't just find a new mate, Katrina." My immediate response was to tell him how wrong he was, like father like son. I couldn't though. There was a time I'd respected his parents. Like most kids in the pack I was reared to think of the Alpha and Luna as our great protectors, those who do no wrong.
I also couldn't hurt Grant like that, not even after all he's done to me. I couldn't do it for the same reason I won't fight as a wolf. I won't fight a battle against an opponent with no chance of winning.
When you have the ultimate weapon you also have the responsibility to never use it.
That was my first lesson when I trained with the Elders. The Elders are a group of wolves in an Alpha-less pack. They keep the history of our kind. They are the wisest, the strongest, the best trained of our kind and only a select few are taught by them. I was trained by Elders Otis Coleman and Cecilia Becker. At first I didn't understand the point or the meaning of that first lesson. I was young and all I wanted was to fight and do it better than anyone else.
By the end of my training I'd learned a lot from them.
Fingers repeatedly snapped in front of my face breaking me from my thoughts. "Kate?" Lily said. "You here?"
"Yeah," I said. "Sorry I kind of zoned out. What's going on?"
"Are you okay?" she asked worriedly. "The last time I saw you zone out you still wore pigtails."
Grant chuckled and I looked at him quizzically. "I was remembering when you actually wore pigtails."
My eyebrows shot up. "I've only had pigtails once. My mother did it for a pack house meeting. I can't believe you remember that."
He smiled. "I tugged one and teased you. After that you used a pair of kitchen shears to try to cut the hair ties. How could I possibly forget that?"
Even I forgot about that. I just remembered my mother never tried pigtails with my hair again. "Yeah, I guess that's pretty memorable," I agreed. Why would he remember that?
"Okay, detouring away from memory lane," Lily cut in. "I need to talk to Kate alone so shoo."
I pitched the bridge of my nose. "Lily, you can't tell an Alpha to shoo."
"Perhaps not," she agreed. "But I can tell your mate to shoo."
I sighed. I pity Jason for having to deal with Lily's twisted logic all the time. "We can talk later Grant. It seems my Luna requires a confidante."
"Yes she does," Lily agreed speaking in third person. "So shoo."
I pressed my lips into a line but I caught Grant's smile as he left. I turned back to Lily. "So-"
"Are you staying here?" she rushed out.
"What?"
She took a deep breath. "Are you staying here with Grant?"
"I don't know," I answered somberly.
She wouldn't meet my eyes. "I know you've thought about it though. I mean it's not just Grant here. Your family is here as well, your parents and your brother-"
"One of my brothers," I said softly and her eyes met mine. "My blood family is here, but they are not my only family. You and Jase, you took me in when no one else would dream of it. You may not be blood but you're family. You have as much a right to have that title as Tyler or my parents. Maybe even more so."
She smiled sadly. "Your mate is here."
"And everyone else is back home," I said. "I've thought about this for days and I still do not know what to do. The best solution I've come up with is to simply hold off deciding until Fire Light's time here comes to an end."
"You want to procrastinate?" she asked chuckling.
"I want to see where the card rest," I corrected.
She sat on the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around me. "What was with Grant's total 180 from coldblooded murdered to kissing you?"
I shrugged. "How much do you want to bet Jason talked to him?"
"Jason?"
I nodded and played with a lock of her hair. "The way Grant was talking, it sounded really familiar."
"If he did talk to Grant it was only because he cares about you," Lily said.
"I know. He's just overprotective. He'll make a great father someday," I replied. "You'll make a great mother as well."
She smiled again. "You're going to be a pretty awesome aunt."
I flipped my hair dramatically making sure to catch her with some of it. "I know."
She giggle and brushed a few locks of my hair from her shoulder. "If you do stay here and decide to be with Grant you'll have to talk to him."
"I don't know," I replied teasingly. "There are times when you haven't talked to Jason for weeks!"
She nudged my shoulder with her own. "I'm being serious."
I faked a gasp. "Gosh, don't be serious!"
"Kate!" she exclaimed exasperated. "Come on. Can you stop joking around for one minute?"
I exhaled and smiled. "Fine, fine, okay. What'll I have to talk to him about?"
"The future," she answered.
My brows furrowed. "Why? I never had to talk to Tristan about the future."
"Because you and Tristan know everything about each other. You're always on the same page with him."
"Not always," I murmured thinking about the advice he'd given me since we arrived here. "He has a tendency to surprise me."
Lily sighed. "You still need to talk to Grant. If you two are going to give it a shoot I think you should come clean with him from the start about what the options are for the future."
"He's an Alpha," I whispered. "You know there's only one way that conversation can end."
"Don't underestimate the boy," she said. "He's trying Kate, really trying. Maybe he won't care."
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. Not with this."
"Kate-"
"I'll talk to him, Lily," I cut her off. "But don't be surprised when he does exactly as I predict he'll do."
"Maybe you'll be the one surprised," she said tapping my nose before she left.
It was nearly two days later that Grant and I were finally alone, though it wasn't quite the setting I thought it would be.
"What is all of this?" I asked looking at the small round table he'd brought in and decorated with clothes and candles and dining wear.
Grant smiled and set down the covered tray he'd brought in for the "final touch". He took the lid off the tray to reveal what looked to me like a chicken dinner for two. "I wanted to go on a date with you but since you're still on bedrest I decided to bring the date to you."
"Oh," I said failing to scrounge up any real enthusiasm. I guess we really would have to have the talk Lily was speaking about if he was behaving like this.
Grant's face fell. "You don't like it," he assumed. "It was a stupid idea anyways we can just wait until you off bedrest to-"
"No, no, it great," I said forcing a smile. "Really. This is all very sweet, Grant."
"Then what's wrong?" he asked.
I grimaced. "We need to talk, and it should be before you get further carrying away with the thought of there being an 'us'."
"Okay," he sat sitting down in the chair he'd brought for himself. "What do we need to talk about?"
"Us," I answered, "and where this-" I gestured at the two of us "-can go." He nodded for me to continue. "Grant, what do you want from this?"
"Ideally, a good meal," he said. "And good conversation."
"I don't mean the date," I sighed, now I know how Lily felt. "I mean us."
"Oh," he said. "Long term?" I nodded. "I'd like for you to stay, with me. We'd lead the pack together, make a family and one day give the pack to one of our kids."
I closed my eyes at the slight pain his words caused. "That can't happen."
"Why not?" he said. "Can't you give us a chance before deciding you aren't staying?"
"Even if I did stay," I interceded, "that can't happen. I could stay with you, maybe even be your Luna, but I won't be having any children."
To my surprise he laughed. "Is this what you wanted to talk about?"
"Why are you laughing?" I questioned utterly confused. "This is serious."
He took my hands in his. "So you don't want kids right now. That'll be years off. It's okay."
"That's not it," I said trying to make him understand. "I won't ever have children."
He continued to smile assuredly at me. "You'll change your mind about that, just you watch and we'll be laughing about it when we're old."
"No, we won't," I said. "Would you just listen? I am never having children. I can't."
He frowned. "Katrina, what is this about? I get that the past few years haven't been easy for you, that you've seen a lot of bad things but you can't let that stop you from living your life!"
"You don't understand," I said frustrated.
His frown deepened. "Why are you so against the thought? Is it because you don't think you'll make a good mother?"
"I won't ever be mother," I said weightily.
"Katrina-"
"No Grant!" I snapped cutting him off as tears tried to work their way to my eyes. "I won't ever have children because I can't have children."
His face went black as he seemed to finally understand. "What? But before you left..."
I couldn't meet his gaze any longer. "I've suffered a lot of injures." My voice grew think and my eyes watery. "You can't always bounce back from everything." I lifted the hem of my shirt to reveal my midsection and an ugly jagged scar in my side. "It was around two years after I left. The doctors said it was in just the wrong spot that it reached the uterus. They said that it may have healed from the stab wound itself but the dagger had Wolf's Bane on it."
It grew harder and harder to speak. "The poison normally works itself out of our systems because we create new cells but..." I tilted my head slightly to the side and raised my shoulders half an inch before dropping them back down. "Women's bodies don't produce new eggs and mine..."
I sniffed and wiped beneath my eyes. "Even if I could conceive a child it's unlikely it would survive to birth and if it did it would die soon after."
I took a few deep breathes. "I understand that this changes things. You're an Alpha. You need to have an heir to take over the pack and a mate who can give that to you. You want a family and I can only offer you myself. It's okay if-"
"Katrina stop," he whispered softly as his caressed my cheek to turn my face back to his. He gave me a soft smile. "This changes nothing." He leaned forward and for a split second I thought he would kiss me again but instead his lips touched my forehead. He pulled back to meet my eyes. "So we won't have any children of our own. That's okay. If we ever want them we can adopt children."
I looked up at him unable to describe what I was feeling. I think it was something similar to awe or amazement but not quite. "Why? I don't understand?"
He continued to smile at me. "I won't lie and say I don't want children. I do and I'm bummed but I wanted children with you, not anyone else. All that matters to me is you."
"But the pack?" The voice in the back of my head yelled at me to stop campaigning for him to do the opposite of what his was doing but I had to know, I had to understand why he was doing this.
"Forget the pack," he said as if it were the obvious answer. "This is about you and me. No one else. You're what's important to me."
I responded with the only thing I could think of. I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck and pulled him closer so I could touch my lips to his. I kept the kiss brief so I wouldn't forget what I wanted to say to him. "You are absolutely amazing," I whispered.
He chuckled softly. "I bet you say that to all the guys."
I grinned playfully. "Only the ones who bring me food."
Helet out a booming laugh and brought the tray of food to my bed. He stretchedout next to me on the small one person bed and we had to be pressed up againsteach other so we would both fit and he set the try on our laps. We ate from thetray ignoring the table he'd so dutifully set up. We ate and talked and laughedand it all came so easily. I remember vaguely Grant sliding the empty tray ontothe table before we both just fell asleep hours later.