Decision
My mind was a jungle. A playground filled with monkeys and spiders and dark laughter. The sleep deprivation wasn't helping. Any sleep I managed to get was broken and uneasy. The trouble was falling asleep, the trouble was the dreams that waited for me when I did.
I spun and swirled like a leaf in the wind. I could hear the air sing as it was spilt by the two double-edged swords I wielded. Sun beat down on my back as I moved through moves so familiar I didn't even have to think about them. "Good, good," a male voice said. I knew his voice well, a feeling welled up in my chest. I knew this feeling as I knew the man. The feeling of belonging, of being with family.
I twirled again and suddenly the scene had shifted. I was in a grand ball room with twinkling lights everywhere. I stood in a dark blood red ball gown. The satin was soft against my skin. Gloves of the same material and color traveled from my fingertips up to my elbows. I watched a crowd of people dance. Men of black and women of golds and ambers. I stood out. My black hair curled and piled atop my head glittered with deep red jewels and my dress and my dark hair, it all stood out in the sea of light colors. "Why don't you dance?" an unfamiliar man said with a deep Mexican accent.
"I can't dance," I answered without turning around. The man wrapped his arms around my waist, two black tux sleeves ending in deep-toned tanned hands. I leaned back into a warm chest.
"Fighting is just violent dancing," Tristan's voice echoed in my head. "And you are such a beautiful dancer."
I was twirling through scenes and images. Dancing in the middle of the night to silent music. Having wine and chocolate while soaking in a bath with Tristan talking into my ear. Running till my feet bleed. Walking through a small community of dead bodies. Finding a girl in the floor. Standing in the Silver Moon pack house while my once-was pack mate looked down on me.
It was like moving through syrup, everything was slow and confusing. The next crystal clear scene was my house. I was in the backyard and running through a crowd of people, faces that I knew. I was running away from someone. I turned, look over my shoulder and suddenly I was in a meadow. The sun looked down and there was a little girl laughing. I turned back around and I was pressed against the wall just outside my bedroom. Grant's body was pressed against me. "Sorry babe," he whispered in my ear, "you just aren't my type."
Then I was falling through the syrup. Images and voices everywhere. "I will find you and bring you back."
"It's cold," Trina complained
"You owe it to her, Jason. You knew how I felt about this from the start." Lily said.
"I've no beef with your current Alpha nor his adorable little Mexican girl."
"There's a traitor."
Sometimes it was my own voice among the sea of others. "Do you remember what that promise was?" my voice asked.
"Of course I do," Jason's answered.
The voices came faster and faster, overlapping so I could only make out bits and pieces. "It's okay Kate..."
"You a fool to have her as a Beta..." "I miss them, Kate." "No, I..." "...doing fine..." "... Rescind ... rejection..."
The voices were so loud. I curled into a ball and covered my ears. "Stop!" I tried to yell but my own voice was stolen from me and silence bellowed out from my throat instead. My fingers curled over the curves of my ears as I tried to block out the voices.
Then all at once everything stopped. I looked around and saw myself in a cell. Everything about it screams out from something dark, something that never saw the light of day. And there is a man dressed in shadow black with pale white skin. The very sight of the man chilled my blood. He opened his mouth and I got a flash of too-white teeth before he laughed a bone-rattling laugh.
I woke in a cold sweat. Every night it was the same thing. A tornado of images and sound all ending in the same cage with that same laugh. Somehow I knew the imagines where memories. Well most of them. Everything had a feeling like it had happened except one. The ball. That, like the shadow-clothed man and his laugh, was in every dream.
I sighed and crawl out of bed. It was still dark outside. Despite my best effects I couldn't wake up past five am. It was awful. Eventually I just gave up on it. I grabbed a set of clothes, a pair of black jeans with a dark, nearly black, blue shirt. I was quickly becoming grateful for the dark clothes as the first snow rapidly drew closer.
I made my way down the hall to the shower ignoring the feeling of being watch. For the past few days there's always been someone watching. If it wasn't Grant or one of his less than subtle Lupá¾°tor then it was Jason or the Spy. I'd taken to calling Lisa that since lately she'd been spying on me more than anything else. Sometimes I could see them, most times they tried to keep to the shadows.
I locked the bathroom door before hopping in the shower. I was halfway through rinsing conditioner out of my hair when I heard the doorknob jiggle. Instinct told me to leave the water running, step out of the shower and grab a weapon. I shook that away and called out, "Someone's in here!"
The jiggling froze. The hair on the back of my neck stood at attention. I strained my ears listening, for what I wasn't sure. After a minute of standing there under the spray I heard what I was waiting for. The creak of footsteps retreating down the hall.
After that I was quick to get out of the shower and get dressed. I went down to the kitchen where Tristan was already up. "How is it that you're always awake before me?" I asked him as he handed me a plate of food. Eggs, scrambled, and turkey bacon.
He flashed me a smirking grin, the one that made my chest tighten, like we were both in on a secret that no one else knew. "I don't sleep well in hostile territory."
I sat down at the kitchen bat. "It's hard to think of Silver Moon as hostile territory."
He shrugged one shoulder. "You don't remember your life away from here."
"I get fragments," I corrected. "It's more than not remembering it, I grew up here. It was home to me."
"Was?"
I looked down at my plate. "Yeah. I may not really remember much of the past few years, hell I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that so much time has passed, but I know in my heart that this place isn't home. It hasn't been home in a very long time."
"So where does your heart tell you is home?" he asked.
I knew what he was really asking. He was asking if that meant I would return to Fire Light with the others, with him. "I don't know," I answered truthfully.
"You're running out of time to figure it out," he said softly, not pushing merely stating the obvious.
"I know." It's an impossible choice. I've always hated indecision and here I am in the role of largest hypocrite ever. I felt like I was just dropped in the middle of any romance novel with a love triangle ever made.
My brain stuttered. Love? That's not right. I don't love Grant, at least I don't think I do. Hell how do I even know? I push the food away and left the kitchen. "Kate?" Tristan called after me but I didn't hear him pursue me.
I wasn't sure of where I was going until I found myself in the gym. I flipped on the lights. Slowly, one after another, they blinked on revealing matted floors with punching bags and padded sparring buddies, treadmills, exercise bikes, weights, and a long wall with mirrors reflecting the room at me making it seem twice the size of the already decent sized room. I grabbed some tape and started wrapping my hands. I was nearly done before I realized I didn't remember learning how to do it properly.
Muscle memory. If you repeat something often enough it becomes muscle memory. Your body remembers how to do the task even if your mind's forgotten it. I let out an even breath and made my way over to a bulky black punching back hanging from an overly shiny chain.
I curled my hands into fists checking that my thumb was on the outside. "Don't ever put your thumb on the inside unless you want to break in," a male voice barked in my head. I'd heard the voice in my dreams but I didn't have a face to join it which frustrated me to know end. I only knew that the man... the man felt like a second father to me which was both unsettling and comforting at the same time.
My head's all messed up. A jungle.
I hit the bag. Left. Right. Left. Left. Right, left, right. I fell into a steady rhythm. Left, left. Right. Left, Right, left. Right. It was easy to lose myself in it. Everyone in a while I'd throw in a kick just for fun. It was a while before I stopped for a breath. When I did I noticed a presence. "Who is it watching me this time?" I muttered to myself.
"Your big brother," Jason said.
"How long have you been standing there?" I asked turning around to see him leaning against the doorframe.
"Long enough. You always exercise in the morning and since you've been put on lockdown..." He handed me a white hand towel and a clear plastic water bottle.
"Yeah, I'm twenty three and I've been grounded. So not cool."
He smiled. "You're adjusting well."
"Define well," I said cracking open the water bottle.
He laughed for a moment before growing serious. "You also exercise when you need to think. Wanna talk?"
"What I really want is some alone time," I said going to sit on one of the plain wood benched that hugged the not mirror walls. "I feel like my every move is being watched."
"It is," he said sitting next to me. "And I'm sure when you remember how to you will kick my ass for my part in that but it's for your own safety."
"My safety," I repeated. "I don't even understand that bit."
He sighed. "Right now you are in even more danger than Lily, or any other Luna."
"Lunas are by nature a target for danger," I said. "I'm just-"
"The mate to the Alpha of one pack and the beloved sister to the Alpha of another," he cut me off. "Grant has moved mountains trying to find you. The bond between mates is a powerful one, one that men and women have died for. The bond between family is even stronger." He looked me dead in the eyes. "Kate, I would give my life to protect yours, give my pack, just as Grant would his. Never before has there been someone with such power. You, my dear sister, are more special than you could ever realize. If anything were to happen to you..." He looked pained at the very thought of my death. "Someone very powerful among the rogues has put a hit out for you and that is not a threat I take lightly, especially considering how often you've been put in danger the past few weeks."
"I know," I murmured putting my head on his shoulder. That's the thing about the heart. It remembers even when the brain doesn't. My ties to the people in Silver Moon were weak, my ties to those of Fire Light, they were the bonds of a family. As muddled as my head is I was beginning to think maybe that was the only way I was going to make my decision.
"You always do what your head tells you." That's what Tristan had said.
"I think I'm going to go home," I whispered. Jason was silent. I sat back up and looked at him. He looked so... serious. "I thought you'd be happy."
That got me the slight upturn of his lips. "Are you sure of your decision?"
"Yes... no..." I looked down at my hands. "I don't know. It's complicated. I think that Silver Moon isn't where my heart is."
"And it's not with a certain Alpha who lives here," he asked.
I felt two red splotches grow on my cheeks. "I don't think so."
"Think?" He smirked, eyebrow raised.
I scowled. "It's not like I have any experience. And if I do I certainly don't remember."
He chuckled. "That's life, little sister. Hell, that's love."
"Love bites the big one," I muttered causing him to laugh louder. I hit his arm. "It's not funny!"
"Yes it is," he said still laughing. "Especially when it isn't me."
"Just see if I help you next time Lily wants to castrate you!" I said but his mood only brightened further. "It's moments like this that I'm sure you my brother," I told him. 'Because only a sibling could be this annoying." For the next few moments all I could hear was Jason's booming laughter.
When it finally subsided he was wiping ghost tears from his eyes. "You know I love you, right?" He nudged me with his shoulder. "No matter what you choose, you're still my family. You're still my sister."
I graced him with a small smile. "I know. You're a good big brother, Jason."
"I know," he said smugly. He stood and gave me a hand up. "I've got to go Alpha stuff. Do you need anything?"
"Maybe a laptop and permission to do some boring Beta stuff." I saw the hesitation in his eyes. "Come on, Jason. I need to take my mind off my own problems and it's not like I don't know what I'm doing. Please?"
"Kate," he said in the tone that let me know with a little more pressure he would cave.
"Come on, Jace." I made my eyes big and stuck out my bottom lip. "Please?" I could see him cracking. "Please Jace?"
He groaned and I smiled. "You are absolutely evil sometimes, you know that."
I grinned and kissed his cheek. "Yep!" I turned and sauntered to the door, I would have skipped but the idea of doing something so peppy actually kind of made me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I stopped at the door though to look back at him. "Thank you, Jason. For everything."
I left before he could ask what that meant, mostly because I didn't know. I felt a shadow follow me all the way back to my room back when I looked as I entered I saw no one. I shook away the feeling. I was beginning to feel like a paranoid amnesiac, hell I probably was a paranoid amnesiac.
As the big day grew nearer I just became less sure of my decision, and more irritated with myself because of it. Which is why I was in my room, door locked, with a suitcase opened on the bed.
I don't know if what I feel for Grant is love. I don't know if what he feels for me in return is love. I don't know what it means when my chest seems to feel warmer when he's around. I don't know if loving him would even be enough to make me stay. I don't know if Fire Light will feel any more like home to me than Silver Moon. I only know that I haven't been given a real reason to stay.
Grant hasn't actually been very sharing about his feelings unlike others. By others you mean Tristan, that nagging voice in my head said. "So what if I do," I muttered under my breath. At least with Tristan I know where we stand. I know where I stand with everyone here from Fire Light.
In Silver Moon I was never able to take anyone at face value, even as a kid. Hell the first thing my father taught me before I started grade school was how to maintain a poker face. It's how things work, how they've always worked in Silver Moon. It's how things work in most packs. There isn't anything wrong with it, it comes from our human side, but what I need right now is to know where I stand.
So I was packing. It was easy to pack everything I owned in the room up, so easy it was almost sad. Well packing my clothes was easy. The weapons, well not so much. I rolled the little bronze-colored ball back and forth across my fingertips. Suddenly an image flashed before my eyes. Well more like in my head and is wasn't so much an image as it was a vision. It was like when TV goes slow motion. The colors were off, they were all tinted with a gray quality, almost like someone had finely sketched the scene with high quality color pencils.
In it I saw a bronze-colored color ball like the one I held in my hand moved through the air. I saw gray tinted light glint off the metal spearhead of an arrow as it moved almost impossible fast towards the little bronze ball. I saw the wicked sharp tip of the arrow pierce the bronze ball and then there was a burst of gray-purple color. When it the color settled down I saw the people, I saw the gray-purple dust eat their skin. Then time sped forward, I caught a glimpse of another arrow just before the vision ended.
Was it a memory or my head playing with me?
I was careful with the bronze-colored balls anyways. I tried touching all of the other weapons but no more visions came. I sighed and put them in the suitcases.
"Knock, knock," Tristan's voice came through the door.
"Just a second," I said shoving the bags under the bed. When I was sure Tristan wouldn't see them I went to open the door. "Hey."
He was quiet for a minute as he studied my face. When he was finished checked for whatever he was searching for he finally spoke. "I assume you've been packing."
I huffed as my face heated up. "How'd you know?"
He smiled and ruffled my hair like you would a little kid. "I know you."
"Meaning you knew what I'd choose this whole time and didn't tell me?" I crossed my arms over my chest.
He rolled his eyes. "Of course not. I just know that if you were planning to stay you would have said your goodbyes."
"Maybe not," I replied. "I hate goodbyes."
"I know," he said with a smile. "You do your best to avoid them."
"Always have."
"You'll have to say a few today," he said.
My brow furrowed. "Today? No that's not right. We don't leave for another two days!"
"No," he said cupping my face as if that would calm the panic swirling in the pit of my stomach like a cat rearing up to attack a mouse. "We finished early. Jason believes that we've been away from Fire Light long enough. The pack need their Alpha back home where he belongs. We leave today."
I jerked back as if he'd hit me. It felt like he did. It felt like I'd be sucker punched in the stomach, all the air was leeched out of me. "How long?" It felt like someone else was using my voice, like someone else was controlling my body. "How long until we leave?" I asked in a strained voice, like I couldn't quite get enough air into my lungs.
"A few hours," Tristan murmured with a tone you'd use when approaching a wounded animal.
For a few seconds all I could do was gas for breath. I saw black spots for a moment before I finally caught my breath. "I need a minute," I forced out. He hesitated about whether he should leave me alone and decided to give me a minute. I rushed to the door behind him and half fall onto it as I closed it. I slid down to the floor leaning against the door. "I'm not ready," I whispered in a small, weak voice.
But it's too late for that. I have to be ready. Besides it's not like I was saying goodbye forever. It would be different this time around. I'd come back and visit...
No. I couldn't. I couldn't face the pain. And what did I have to come back to? A brother who blames me for my dead parents and a childhood friend I no longer connect with? A mate who I don't love whose parents are living a lie and hate me? A former pack who betrayed me?
Maybe one day things would be different. I won't cut them off completely, I'll call, video chat even. But I won't come back. It would hurt too much.
"I am stone," I whispered to myself. "I will not break." I don't know where the words came from but they tasted familiar and helped me steel my emotions. I stood and pushed my shoulders back. "I can do this."
I went to the bed and pulled the suitcases out from beneath it as Trina entered. "You're packed," she observed.
I nodded. "Are you packed?" Are you coming?
She frowned and I caught a glimmer of pain in her eyes. "Yeah."
"You wanted to stay, didn't you?" I asked gently. "A part of you wants to stay."
"Yeah," she sighed. "You?"
"Of course." I turned to look out the window. I could see Grant with a bunch of other wolves, one of the meet my eyes. A girl I didn't recognize and maybe it was my imagination but I could swear she glared at me. "But after everything that's happened I don't think I could stay here."
"I asked Tyler to come with us!" she blurted out and I spun around to look at her. "He said he never wanted to see me or anyone from Fire Light again. He said we brought the rogues down on Silver Moon and if we'd just done our jobs his parents would never have..." I saw a tear glisten as it fell down her cheek.
I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her as she sort of fell into me. "I'm sorry, Tree." I patted her hair softly. "Everything's turned into a big mess."
She sniffed and pulled away wiping her cheeks. "Yeah, it has."
I let out a heavy breath and looked back over my shoulder at Grant. He happened to look up at the same time and smiled at me. I forced a smile of my own. My heart tugged at itself. Part of me wanted so desperately to stay here with him. He was my mate and that meant true love. Or at least it was supposed to. I looked away. "Why don't we help everyone load up the cars?"
She nodded dry-eyed. "Do we start with your stuff?"
I hesitated on saying yes. Grant hasn't spoken to me since my parents died. Before that I thought maybe we were going somewhere. "We can do mine last."
Trina didn't comment though I knew she knew why I said that.
Loading everything up took much longer than I thought. Hours actually. Finally my stuff was the only thing left to load up and I still hadn't talked to Grant yet. I decided that after we loaded everything up I would go find him.
"Are you ready?" Tristan asked grabbing two of my suitcases leaving me to grab my duffle bag.
"As ready as I'll ever be," I answered. "Come on. We're about to leave and I owe Grant a proper goodbye this time around." He smiled. "Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked. He looked so... proud? Awe?
"You went and grew up on me, Kate," he said as if that answered anything.
"I'm going to need a little more information here," I said frustrated. I hate not understanding what's going on.
He chuckled and shook his head to himself. "I'll tell you later."
"I'm holding you to that," I promised.
"I'd expect nothing less." With that he started down the stairs.
He can be so strange sometimes, talking in near riddles. I wonder I ever truly understood him. I sighed and followed him down. I was just about to put my bag onto the back of truck when Grant showed up. Guess I can't put this off any longer. "We-"
"What the hell?" he cut me off angrily. "So you were just going to leave?"
I blinked in surprise. "No, I was going to talk to you as soon as we were done loading every-"
"But you were still going to leave!" he yelled cutting me off again.
Tristan was suddenly there pushing him away from me. "Back off!" he growled.
Grant stiffened and his fist clenched. If I didn't do this would be a fight and knowing them I know who'd walk away.
"Stop it!" I shouted pulled Tristan away. "Let me handle this, Tristan."
He was still looking, no glaring at Grant but he nodded once and went to lean against the hood of Jason's car to watch. Grant turned his anger back to me. "Did you even consider staying?"
"Of course I did!" I said getting angry myself. I hitched the bag higher up onto my shoulder before it could slip off.
"Then do it!" he demanded.
"Then give me a reason to!" I yelled. Everyone else went silent. Grant and I had captured their attention. "What reason do I have to stay?"
"Me!" he yelled. "Us! We're mates, Katrina. Does that mean nothing to you? Does love mean nothing to you? Are you so heartless that you'll throw away our future without a second thought?"
That stung as if he'd physically struck me. "You haven't change in the least," I said in a quiet voice. "Have you forgotten that my parents are dead? Di it ever occurred to you that it hurts to be here?"
"That is not my fault," he said.
"No," I agree angrily. "My parents are dead because of your father! The son shall pay for the father's sins."
"Are you really blaming my father for the actions of a crazed rouge?" he exclaimed outraged.
I pushed down the urge to growl at him. "Your parents aren't as innocent as you think!" I snapped.
"What the hell does that mean?" he demanded.
I almost told him. I was so close to just blurting out the truth about his parents but something stopped me. When you have the ultimate weapon it is your responsibility to not use it. No matter what Grant said to me nothing would hurt me as much as that one truth would destroy him. I'd already lost my parents so who was I to inflict that pain onto him? "Never mind," I said instead knowing that I'd given the upper hand.
Grant could have let it go, he could have let it rest at that. But he didn't. "You always act so high and mighty. When will you realize you just as bad as the rest of us?"
"You're one to talk!" I fired back. "You've always been arrogant just because you are the son of an Alpha."
"And you always throw away any hope for a future between us without ever giving it a shot!" he snarled. "Would it be so bad to love me?"
"You want me to make decisions for a future in a present I don't know base off a past I don't remember!" I yelled back with tears burning at my eyes. "You want me to say I love you when I don't even know who I am!"
"I want you to stop playing both sides!" he shouted. "I want you to stop acting like you don't know what you want when you and I both know damn well that you do! I want you to be honest!"
"Honest?" I repeated. "How's this for honest? You didn't reject me because you were arrogant or because I wasn't your type, you rejected me you weren't good enough for me!" He took a step back and I calmed my rapid breath as best I could. "You weren't good enough back then and you aren't now. Maybe I do love you but that doesn't matter. No matter what I do you always look for the best way to screw it all up.
"I don't know what I want. Maybe I never will but I know what I have to do. I have to go."
"Then go!" he snapped angrily. "Run away. But don't expect me to go looking for you this time because I won't."
My hand tightened around the strap of the bag. "I never asked you to." I turned and shoved my bag onto the truck and slammed the back shut. I forced tear back as I made my way around to the driver's side door. "Let's go Trina," I said and that spurred everyone into action.
Trina got in and looked at me like she wanted to say something. She opened her mouth then close it a second later when she saw my face. I can only imagine what she saw.
I started the truck and caught a glance of Grant in the rearview mirror as I drove away. I saw the look on his face. Pain, anger, and maybe even a little regret. I caught little fluffs of white swirl down from the sky as he grew smaller and smaller in the mirror.
The first snow had finally arrived.