Chapter 30: Chapter 30

AMY

My heart is pounding as I read Tristan’s text. Will I be ready to talk to him in an hour? He took four damn hours to respond to my simple request. He usually texts me back instantaneously.

Naturally, he’s angry. After his talk with Cody, he now knows exactly how devious I am. He might even hate me. The sole reason he agreed to meet this evening might be to give himself the opportunity to tell me how he really feels.

I deserve it, and after all the cruelty I’ve inflicted on him, he deserves to hear the truth.

That I think I might love him, and he hurt me deeply.

As I type out a response and press send, my skin burns with anxiety. There’s no going back now.

Amy

I’ll come to your frat house. See you in an hour.

“Amy.” Serena’s voice makes me jump.

She just spent the last twenty minutes pacing in the courtyard as she talked to Nick. I could see her from the window, and my stomach churned. I hadn’t received Tristan’s text yet, and I knew her conversation with Nick was about him. “Tristan” was the one word I could make out from up here, and she said it several times.

Maybe Tristan had debated with Nick whether it was worth meeting up with me at all. Nick, of course, would have spoken on my behalf, if only to please Serena.

I tap my fingers rapidly against my thigh. “What’s going on?”

She sucks in her lips, her eyes growing unfocused as if she’s figuring out what to say. The suspense is agony to my exhausted brain.

“Nick talked to Tristan. I guess he figured out a way to let you win the scholarship even though you dropped out. But you have to show up to the closing ceremony.”

A buzzing sounds in my ear. What the fuck? Why would he give me the scholarship after all I’ve done?

I can’t accept it, as enticing as it sounds. Reducing the size of my student loan debt would mean fewer years having to grind and hustle to pay it off. It would mean more writing time, or maybe even launching a freelance writing career before I reach middle age.

But I don’t deserve the game’s big prize after what I did to Tristan, and I can’t be the only person at this university who lacks a trust fund. Serena has told me that her parents are well off, but what about the other girls?

Serena plops down on the bed next to me. “Tristan said you can have the admin office confirm it for you if you don’t believe him.”

I draw in a deep, shuddering breath. I want to throw myself down on this bed and sleep for the next two days until this is all finally over.

“Do you think you can make it to the ceremony?” she asks.

“Yes,” I say, because I owe it to Tristan. “But I’m not going to accept the scholarship.”

Serena scowls. “Why the hell would you turn it down? That was the whole reason you stayed in the game in the first place.”

I huff out a humorless laugh. “No, it wasn’t. Maybe I told myself it was. If I were unemotional and pragmatic, it would have been. But we both know the main reason I participated in this game was all about Tristan and proving myself to him.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “I know you’re feeling bad about yourself because of that traitor Cody—”

When I burst into laughter, Serena’s lips quirk. She didn’t take the news about Cody’s betrayal as tranquilly as I did, and her unwavering loyalty is a balm after possibly losing one of my closest friendships.

The thing is, I don’t even consider what Cody did a betrayal. Tristan deserved the truth. At least one of us had the decency to give it to him.

“Sorry,” she says. “That was insensitive. I know you’re sad about Cody.”

I reach out and grab her hand. “Don’t be. It feels good to laugh.”

She purses her lips, her eyes darting to the side. “Are you sure? There’s no reason for you to go to the closing ceremony if you’re determined to turn down the scholarship…”

Her voice is so gentle and coddling that my cheeks heat. I’m not a damn baby.

“No,” I say. “It’ll be good for me. The fact that it’s the last thing in the world I want to do means I should push myself to do it. I’m trying to be braver. Besides,” I force a smile, “you’ll be there. Even if you’re standing up with the girls, I’ll feel better just being able to see you.”

“You think I’m going to let you sit alone?” Serena scoffs, shaking her head. “I’ll be sitting in the stands with you.”

The words wrap around me like a warm blanket, even though I can’t let her do it. “The director will have a fit.”

She places her hands on her hips. “Let him. The school is exploiting us, anyway. You know they make way more from their YouTube channel and sponsorships than ten K. And what kind of academic institution holds a reality show competition?”

“I always found the game so cringe. I can’t believe I was in it this year.”

“In it?” She grins. “You were the star of the season. You’ll be a Pacific Crest legend for years to come.”

Just as I’m about to reply, there’s a knock on Serena’s door. It opens a crack, and the squeak of the hinges resonates through the room.

“Is Amy here?”

The trembling voice sends a chill down my spine.

Harper.

Serena walks to the door and peeks outside. She straightens her back and crosses her arms over her chest. “I don’t think she wants to see you.”

I smile. She’s my mother hen.

“No, it’s okay,” I say. Something about the sound of Harper’s voice calls to old memories. I had many apologies from her over the years after she lashed out at me over her own hurt feelings. She always sounded the same. I’m too curious about why she’s here to protect myself. Besides, I’m done hiding from pain.

Serena gestures for Harper to come inside, but she doesn’t look happy about it. “Do you want me to leave for a bit?”

“No,” I say firmly. “I’d actually rather you were here.”

Serena’s smile eases the tension in my body. Her protectiveness warms me. Because of my stupid biases about beautiful and popular people, I never would have given a girl like her a chance to be my friend had we not been thrown together in the competition. I would have never come to know her.

This is the result of really living. Guarding my heart for all those years didn’t do me any good.

Harper steps into the room. “Can we talk alone? I’d feel better…” Her red-rimmed eyes flicker to Serena’s face, and she sighs. “Never mind.”

She takes a deep breath, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. She’s here to confess something.

“Amy, I did something really bad.” Harper’s voice quivers. “What I said about Tristan and me… It was a lie.”

A stone settles in my stomach, heavy and cold. I blink hard, my thoughts scrambling. There’s only one thing she could have lied about.

“The picture?” I ask.

She flinches. “I was in his room studying. I took that picture just so that I could show it to you.”

Serena huffs out a humorless laugh. “Diabolical. You underestimated her, Amy.”

My palms grow cold and wet. Oh God, this is bad. Did I really go through with my own diabolical plan to take Tristan down when he never deserved it in the first place?

This is so much worse than I thought. Even after giving up the idea that he was out to humiliate me, at least I could tell myself that it didn’t really matter. He’s just a fuckboy. Someone who slept with Harper because I meant so little to him. Because he doesn’t take things like sex seriously.

I place my cold hands on my burning cheeks, and my heart pounds against my throat. How will I ever face him?

Harper whimpers. “It was…wrong. Probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know why I did it. I was really…flailing.”

The room spins. “I don’t know if I believe you.”

But I do. Everything makes so much more sense now. I really was precious to him.

I choke back a whimper.

“You think I’d come here and—” Harper’s lips tremble “—humiliate myself for the hell of it?”

No. Not if she’s still the Harper I know. Only dire circumstances would make her sacrifice her pride, like losing someone she loves.

“Did Tristan make you come here and tell me?” I ask.

Her jaw clenches. “Yes. He’s furious. He told me…” She flinches. “He told me he really cares about you.”

A torrent of shame and self-recrimination rushes through me, making me nauseated. Why did I believe her lie so readily when she’s never done anything to make amends for humiliating me in the quad, unlike Tristan? Why was I so eager to incriminate him?

Because he holds so much power over me, and I was trying to protect my cowardly heart, yet again.

“Did he really…” The hopefulness in my voice makes me want to wince, but there’s no reasoning away this fluttering in my heart. I ~am~ hopeful. If Tristan forced her to come here—if he really told her he cares about me—maybe the situation isn’t quite as dire as I thought. “Were those his exact words? That he cares about me?”

When Harper’s eyes flash with anger, I have my answer. He did tell her he cares, and she didn’t like it.

She crosses her arms over her chest. “No, those weren’t his exact words. But it’s the impression I got.”

If her “impression” was enough to invoke what seems to be jealousy, it’s enough for me.

There’s hope.

I take a deep breath, trying to calm my frantic pulse. “Well, you’ve done your duty to Tristan. There’s nothing more for you to say.”

She jerks back as if I struck her. Did she really think that confessing her treachery would lead to a drawn-out heart-to-heart?

“That’s it?” she asks, her eyes filling with a silent plea. “You don’t want to hear my apology?”

Serena snorts, and I can’t help but smile. If I’d had a friend like Serena in high school, I might have seen the flaws in my friendship with Harper. I might have been better prepared for its eventual demise.

Everything had centered on her feelings. Her needs. Even when she messed up, I was the one tasked to making her feel better. Like she wants me to do right now. Her eyes are begging me to take away her pain, and I refuse to do it.

As the silence between us stretches, Harper’s face falls. “I want you to know…” She swallows. “I’ve already humiliated myself enough, so I’m just going to say it. I miss you. So many times, I thought about…” She shakes her head. “I wanted to come to you and say let’s just forget the past, but you always seemed so cold. You’d barely even look at me.”

My smile probably looks like a sneer. “I wonder why.”

The softness in her eyes vanishes, and she takes a step in my direction. “Maybe I was the one who really ended our friendship, but you didn’t try very hard to keep me, and that hurt. I’m not as strong as you, Amy. In fact, I’m weak and petty. I can fully admit it. And I know it sounds twisted, but the reason I did what I did—why I lied to you—was because I was jealous. Not jealous of you for having Tristan. I’ve always known he had a crush on you. I was jealous of Tristan for having you.” She gulps back a sob. “You were everything to me, Amy. I wish I hadn’t thrown you away.”

I let out a long sigh. How strange that I’ve dreamed of her saying these words, yet they fall with a thud in my heart. I thought I still loved her even after everything she’s done, but maybe this ache I’ve carried in my chest for years is actually pity. The pity I’d feel for anyone in pain. Harper was never the same after her dad died.

My God, I think my love for her is finally gone. It drained slowly over the years, like sand drifting through an hourglass. And this latest betrayal shattered the whole thing. The fantasy of starting anew with Harper was as delusional as the desire to bring back the dead.

“I missed you over the years, too,” I say, because it’s the truth.

The way her eyes light up sends a pang to my chest. I might not love her, but I don’t want to crush her.

Harper takes a step in my direction. “Is there any chance…I mean, after you’ve healed from what I did. Could you give me another chance?”

“No,” I say immediately, and she grimaces. “Too much damage has been done. I’m sorry.”

She nods jerkily and takes a few steps back. “Well, I’ll get out of here and go die of embarrassment.”

“I wish things could have been different,” I say when she makes it to the door. She nods once before walking out the room. Her footsteps patter down the hall before slowly disappearing.

She’s gone from my life forever, and there’s not even the slightest pang in my chest. How strange. Her loss consumed me for years. I was obsessed with my pain. I hoarded it like a treasure, an achingly beautiful reminder that love is dangerous.

Serena marches to the bed and wraps her arms around me. “You were so mature,” she says. “You could have yelled at her, and instead you just calmly told her where things stand.”

“It was easier than I ever thought it would be,” I say as she pulls away. “I thought I would love hearing her beg me to be her friend again, but I felt…hardly anything.”

“She doesn’t deserve your feelings.”

I sigh. “No.”

The room is suffused with the soft glow of the evening sun that casts long shadows against the wall. How is it possible to feel peace and turmoil at the same time? It’s a relief to know that Tristan didn’t really sleep with her—that maybe after everything, he still cares.

But I have so many wrongs to make right.

“I should start getting ready,” I say. “If I’m going to lay my heart at Tristan’s feet, I need to at least look cute.”

Serena’s smile is almost giddy. “I think you might finally get an ‘I love you’ tonight.”

“No,” I say firmly as I stand up from the bed. “I won’t let him give me that. I’m going to tell him who I really am, and he needs time to think hard about if he really does still want me after everything I’ve done. He needs to fully comprehend what he’s committing to.”

Serena looks like she wants to roll her eyes. “Because you’re so terrible.”

Pain slices through my chest. “I am terrible. He didn’t do anything wrong, and I acted like the biggest self-righteous asshole.”

“Who would have thought that Harper would do what she did?”

I raise both hands in the air. “You did. You warned me, and I ignored it. I should have confronted Tristan about it from the very beginning. Everything he said about me that day on the hike was one hundred percent correct. I’m a coward when it comes to my feelings. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like that?”

She purses her lips to hide her smile. “I think someone named Tristan Wolfe.”

***

When the Victorian mansion of a frat house comes into view, Tristan is already standing on the wraparound front porch. He rushes down the steps and jogs in my direction.

“Let’s take a walk down to the beach,” he says, his blue eyes burning into me. “We’ll have more privacy.”

My heart thumps wildly as I follow him to the concrete staircase. I keep my eyes fixed on my feet as we descend the sandy steps. I tried to rehearse a speech on the short walk here, but my thoughts have turned to sludge now that I’m in his presence.

The ocean wind sends his musky scent in my direction. Fuck, he smells good. I’ll have to stand a few feet away from him if I plan on producing coherent speech.

When we make it down to the sand, he turns to me, his hair blowing in every direction. “Harper told me she talked to you.”

A wave of shame makes my skin prickle. “Yes.”

His eyes search my face. “You believe her?”

“I do.” My voice shakes.

His eyes grow wide. “I’m so fucking relieved. You have no idea how—”

When I raise a hand, his lips close, though they quirk up at the edges. I’m being high-handed, but he seems to find it amusing. Good. I’ll never get through my embarrassing speech if I let him take control of the conversation.

“I have a lot to say, and I need you to think hard. Not speak. Can you do that for me?”

His smile grows. “I can do that. Will I have the floor at the end, my queen?”

His playfulness is like a warm breeze, but I can’t pay heed to my own feelings. I’m determined to do this the right way.

“No,” I say quickly.

He frowns, sticking his hands in the pocket of his hoody. He looks nervous for the first time. “I take it that I’m not going to like whatever you’re going to say.”

He sounds so dejected, I want to reach out and touch him, but he’ll know my true feelings soon enough.

My gaze falls to the sand. “That’s not for me to determine, but it’s important that you think about what I’m going to say before you make a decision. I don’t want you to give me that scholarship, Tristan. I don’t deserve it.”

When I’m finally able to meet his eyes, they hold a question. “That’s what you came here for? To talk about the scholarship?”

“Not only that, but it’s important that you figure out who deserves it. Give it to the girl you admire most. For her strong character, maybe.” The words sound so silly, I can’t blame him for his faint, piteous smile.

“That’s not me,” I continue. “And I don’t want to make assumptions about how you feel. To assume that you still want me. On the hike, you said you were an idiot to be mesmerized by me. And I couldn’t agree with you more—”

When he starts to speak, I reach out and place my hand over his mouth. His eyes grow wide, and my belly fills with heat at the sensation of his soft lips. He puts his own hand over mine and kisses my palm. I want to lean into his delicious touch, but instead, I yank my hand away.

“Maybe you do still want me,” I say. “Maybe you still want that ‘something’ after the game that you asked for, but I think you should seriously consider what you really want. I’m a baby with my feelings, Tristan. In my entire life, I’ve only had two close friends. Three if you count Serena, but I never would have met her if you hadn’t pulled me out of my shell by signing me up for the game. I protect myself. I’ve devoted my life to making sure that I’ll never get hurt. You were right when you called me a coward…”

Tristan opens his mouth, and I shake my head rapidly. “No. Don’t contradict me. Think about…” I want to cringe at the assumption that he wants me to be his girlfriend, but the whole point of this meeting is to lay my heart at his feet. “Think about being in a relationship with someone who’s terrified all the time. Think of how frustrating it will be if we ever get into a fight. Or if I get jealous or feel neglected. I hope I can change, but who knows? Maybe I’ll hide from you or concoct some silly revenge scheme.”

When his smile grows affectionate, I glance out at the ocean. He’s not taking me seriously. He hasn’t had enough time to process what I’m saying.

“I’m far from perfect too, Amy.” His voice is gentle.

I whip my head in his direction. “Tristan Wolfe, will you let me finish my damn speech or not?”

He chuckles, the rich sound full of affection. My stomach does a little turn.

“Sorry,” I say. “My nerves are making me bitchy, but I meant it when I told you I want you to really think before you speak. A part of me is still scared that I’m just a challenge for you. A conquest. If you do still want me, make sure you really know what you’re getting into.”

“And how long do you want me to think about it?” His eyes are glowing. “Before I make a decision.”

A cold wind creeps into my jacket, making me shudder. “I don’t know. Probably a while—”

“Is twenty-four hours enough?” He smiles. “I have my own speech planned for tomorrow. All about Amelia Harrington.”

For the closing ceremony, he means. Holy fuck, he has a speech. He must have written it already, or at least thought it out.

“I guess…” I tuck a strand of hair behind my ears, though it’s futile in this blistering wind. “Sure. Give it twenty-four hours.”

It’s not enough time, but my heart is too eager to deny him. It’s fluttering in my chest like a bird, ready to take flight into the misty sky.

He has a speech planned. Just for me. Even after everything I’ve done, he doesn’t seem to have given up on me.

He takes a step in my direction, and his tall form hovers over me. “And after I’ve thought about everything, after I’ve delivered my speech, you’ll tell me what it is that ~you~ want. Can you promise that?”

I frown. “I already told you—”

He shakes his head. “No. You never once mentioned what you want. I was dying to interrupt and ask.” His hooded smile makes my belly grow warm. “But I won’t force it out of you if you want me to think first. I should probably give you that same luxury—to consider how you really feel about me.” He frowns. “God, Amy. You’re shaking. I shouldn’t have made you stand out here in the cold.”

“That’s not why I’m shaking.” My voice is faint.

He lifts his hand and brushes his big fingers over my cheek. “I’ll tell you how I feel tomorrow in my closing speech. And you’ll tell me afterward. Deal?”

I shut my eyes and allow myself the sweet pleasure of leaning into his hand. “Deal.”