Chapter 37: Chapter 38

Holy hell, this bed sucks.

I stared up at the ceiling of the small room in Bax’s cabin, wondering how Sloane and the kids had managed to live here for so long. The wood-planked ceilings were drafty, there was a weird stain in the corner, and the mattress was like sleeping on a pile of rocks.

I missed the couch. I missed my bed, waking wrapped around my wife and pulling her pliant body into me.

My fingers dragged across my eyes as I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I sat and sighed, soaking in the moment before pushing to my feet and getting on with the day.

Another day surviving without them.

When I walked into the small kitchen, Bax was in his recliner. He glanced my way and scoffed. “You’re walking around like a beaten dog.”

I nodded. Accurate.

Bax shook his head. “Damn shame. I thought you had more fight in you.”

My attention turned to him. My brows furrowed.

He raised an eyebrow and lifted a shoulder in dismissal. “One bump in the road and you’re giving up.”

Bump in the road? Sloane’s ex-husband was actively trying to dismantle her life, and he thought it was a bump?

I shook my head. “It’s complicated.”

Bax crossed his arms. “Doesn’t seem all that complicated to me. You love her, don’t you?”

I stared at the old man. “I do.”

“And the kids?” He gestured toward me.

My arms crossed in defense. “Like my own.”

Bax scoffed and pushed himself to standing. “Ah, see. I knew it. You love them, so it’s up to you to work it out.”

“It’s not that simple. My past conviction, I—” I exhaled.

Bax swatted the air. “Don’t come at me with that. People make mistakes all the time. Few pay their penance, but you did. Water under the bridge.”

My shoulders slumped, defeated. “I wish it were that easy.”

“Nothing worth having was ever easy.” He pointed a finger in my direction. “That I know for a fact.”

I stared at the peeling linoleum floor. The truth came out in a whisper. “She deserves more.”

Beside me, Bax placed his hand on my shoulder and stared down at the same spot. “Then you give it to her, son.” He sighed. “I can venture a guess who made you feel so unworthy, and it’s a damn shame.”

Bax’s clear eyes bore into me. “You’re good for her. You light her up. The kids too.” He circled a finger around his head. “You figure out how to wrestle the demons in here, and I’m betting you’ll realize it too.”

I swallowed hard. “I don’t know how to do that,” I admitted.

“Gotta square up with the past if you want to have a future.” After two heavy thumps on my back, Bax swiped a muffin off the counter and returned to his recliner.

I sucked in a breath.

Maybe Bax was right.

I needed to get my shit together. I owed it to Sloane, but I owed it to Ben and Tillie too.

The air-conditioning in the library hit me as the automatic doors opened. I walked past the main circulation desk and up the stairs toward the children and teen section. Emily sat behind a desk, doing something on the computer.

When I caught her attention, she smiled and stood. “Hi, Abel. Picking up the kids early today?”

I scratched a spot behind my head. “Um, no, but I do need to talk with Ben for a minute. Would that be okay?”

She smiled. “You’ve got great timing. Right now the kids are having a snack before we head outside. I’ll grab him.”

Emily rounded her desk and disappeared behind a tall stack of books. I looked around and folded myself into a too-small chair and waited. My palms were sweaty, so I swiped them down the thighs of my jeans.

Moments later, Ben appeared at Emily’s side. When he saw me, his eyes lit up and an arrow snagged my chest.

“Hi!” He waved and Emily resumed her position behind the circulation desk.

“Hey, bud.” I gestured to the seat beside me. “Why don’t you sit down.”

Ben frowned as he lowered himself into the seat. “Am I in trouble?”

I leaned forward and rested my hand on his shoulder. “Not at all.”

His eyes were downcast. “Are you here to say goodbye?”

Blood drained from my face. “I know it’s hard, but your mom and I agreed that me staying at the cabin for a while is a good idea. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

He nodded but wouldn’t look me in the eye. I gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Really, I came to see you because I need a pep talk.”

He looked up. “What’s a pep talk?”

I considered how to put it for a seven-year-old to understand. “Well, it’s kind of like when a coach talks to his players before a big game. He reminds them to play hard and lets them know he believes in them.”

“Are you playing a game?” Ben asked.

My heart ached for this sweet little boy. I shook my head. “No. But, I remember you told me that I should talk with a therapist. I listened and found someone to set up an appointment with.” I glanced at the clock above his shoulder. “He’s probably already waiting for me.” I leaned in to look Ben in the eye. “The thing is . . . I’m feeling a little nervous.”

“Oh . . .” Ben nodded, holding my stare with serious eyes. “But therapy is fun. You play with toys and talk about your feelings, and sometimes she’ll tell you little tricks to feel better when you’re scared.”

I ached for his simple worldview. “Talking about my feelings is hard sometimes.”

Ben’s hand landed on my shoulder with a thump. “Harder than keeping them inside?”

Emotion rose in my chest as I pulled him into a hug. “No, I guess you’re right, bud.” I patted his back as he squeezed me.

Emotion banded across my chest. “Thank you.” I stood and cleared my throat. “Sorry to interrupt camp. You should head back. Give Tillie a hug from me.”

“I believe in you, Abel.” Ben waved before smiling at Emily and disappearing around the corner.

Behind the circulation desk, Emily’s hands were clutched in front of her, tears swimming in her eyes.

I nodded and stomped away.