-Yul-ah.
There was something my master once told me.
-âSomeday, youâll feel like the world is being especially cruel to you.â
He was my parent and my friend.
My friend and my everything.
He often said those words while sitting me on his lap when I was a child.
Swoosh.
His hand, rough but gentle, stroked my hair.
-âWhen that time comes, remember this.â
His voice was dry, yet soft.
-âEven if the world makes you suffer, know that itâs not your fault, Yul.â
He spoke those words to comfort me when I came crying after being tormented.
The young Seong Yul nodded at his words, but even after all these years, he couldnât understand them.
Was it really not my fault?
The world grew darker and darker.
Murderous urges threatened to burst out at any moment.n/o/vel/b//in dot c//om
No matter how much I recited the Daoist teachings, no matter how often I meditated, I couldnât suppress them.
I want to kill.
I want to kill everything I see.
I donât know why.
I donât even understand why I feel this way.
But it felt like I had to do itâ
As if it was the very reason I was born.
When I could no longer resist and bit my masterâs hand as hard as I could,
He simply patted my back with the same calm expression as always.
He said it was okay.
That I could endure it.
That I was capable.
And so, I tried.
I stopped biting his hand and used my own instead.
On days when I couldnât bear it, I crawled under the covers and faced the darkness alone.
Thatâs how I lived.
A cursed life.
A master who accepted me for what I was.
Clinging to that thought was the only thing that kept me going.
My master was my shelter.
He shielded and protected me.
I endured because he was there.
I lived because he was there.
But nowâ
âWhat am I supposed to do?â
Now that my master was gone, how was I supposed to live?
It was the thought that surfaced the first time I killed someone.
Blood stained my blade.
Seong Yul stared at the person he had just killed.
The body was mangled, brutally torn apart.
They said he was a man who had assaulted a woman in a nearby village and fled.
â...â
What did I feel back then?
Shaaâ
That day, it rained.
The downpour was so intense that some areas flooded.
I watched the blood flow away with the water,
watched as the man grew cold and lifeless.
As a disciple of the Dao, I felt guilt for taking a life.
I also felt fearâthe fear of having killed another human being.
I would be lying if I said I didnât feel those things.
But even as those heavy emotions lingered,
What remained at the centerâ
Was ecstasy.
âHaa⦠Haa.â
Overwhelming.
So this is what a dying human looks like.