Kai
2020
My eyes open up to see the same shore where he brought me two years ago. Thinking back to the times, I can't seem to let it go after 730 days. I've been away from home for so long because of studies and every time I come back here for the holidays, it seems to be the spot where I would see myself go often. Not the mall, not the school... not anywhere else.
It's weird because... holding onto the past isn't going to help me at all. But holding onto it makes me to never forget the memories I had with him.
I tried visiting him at his home. But unfortunately, he wasn't home when I was home, and when he was home... I wasn't at home. Each time I go there I would be met with the faces of his parents that reminds me of him especially his mother. They would greet me like the way they used but something feels different. Their stares and looks whenever I was there tell me something was up. I didn't try to bother about it because maybe it might be something else that was bothering them.
Natalie was the same as usual. She got a job here near home. We would hang out together, and she would make fun of Stan in front of me. I stayed quiet though... it's not like I could talk to her that her brother and I were a couple. All I could do was fake a laugh and nod my head at her.
I still kept his guitar. I wasn't too keen on calling it mine since it still is his. But one that I noticed was that though there was his initials engrave on the guitar... there was also mine. I haven't noticed that after I played it for the first time, which was three days I left home for college. It was leisure time, and all I could do was stay in my dorm. I didn't want to go out... even when my college friends ask me to. I wasn't ready yet to have fun when ahead of my days are piles of assignments to be finished.
So when I pick up the guitar at the corner of my room, I noticed it. It was a small inscription that was engraved behind the neck of the guitar and I couldn't be sadder about it. Not in a bad way... but more in a missing way. Yes, I would stalk his social media and whatnot but it wasn't the same. He doesn't even post that much which was difficult for me to see his face very often.
I know that I've built up again my wall around my heart, and I was ready to start another relationship with someone that was not Stan. Hell, since I got here... guys and girls tried their best flirting with me and asking me out on a proper date. I wanted to go. Yet, a piece of my heart feels guilty that if I do, I'm not thinking about the possibilities of Stan might have waited for me. I don't know... I might be hallucinating to think he is now waiting for me... Seeing the fucking guitar made me think so. It was like a mark that I was his to keep. A marker for everyone out there I was taken.
But I didn't know if I was.
Our flaws, our differences was the one thing that made us apart. Yet in all those flaws, I keep coming back to him because I wasn't seeing his flaws, I was seeing his pieces that completed me and mine that completed him.
It was only a one time fight between us and it made us this way. I don't even understand why it hurts me so much but it did. Patience they said.
It takes time, they said.
You have to fall out of love once to truly love someone, they said.
I didn't want to go what they said. Was every relationship out there needed to go through the same thing? The same advice? It seems so made up that I can't even really tell what a relationship was supposed to be like.
Sighing to myself, I throw a rock out into the waters in front of me. The windy air that blew through my hair was calming, soothing and dreamy. The sun was about to set soon and I should be heading home. I want to stay here longer... but I've been here all day. I don't know... maybe I'll build a house here? Who knows?
I stand up from where I stand, walking slowly back to my car. The sky was turning into a grey shade slowly, with droplets falling deliberately from the cloudy mist and right onto my cheeks. It wasn't even raining heavily, just droplets by droplets... but it would be soon.
Step by step, my mind goes around to think again of the memories. I love that it never ever leave my mind. It was funny that because of this, I wouldn't have a chance to even date someone else. The look on everyone faces when they ask me out after I said no just made me smile widely. Ah... if only you would do the same for me too. Wherever you are...
I can't wait to meet you soon. Maybe soon?
The coincidence of bumping into him again was no more near zero per cent. It could happen... I just need to believe it.
Getting inside my car, I turn on the engine. The cool air touches my skin and shivers were running down my spine because of how cold it was. Even the thick fabric that I was wearing wasn't enough to keep me warm.
I glance at the scene in front of me, taking it in before I even go back home. Out of nowhere, one realization just came to me. My mouth gape open thinking about it. Was it true? He didn't even say it. My hand went up to my mouth, going back and forth from memories to memories, recalling a scene of what I just thought of. The guitar, the inscription of our initials... his family behaviour towards me... It all made me wonder...
Did we even break up?
- To be continued -