Hey! Today's officially been a whole year since I started this story!! So this is appart form the current story line, just a bonus to celebrate. This would be the flashback in chapter 14: 'Start over', that party at Jade's but from Brett's POV. Enjoy!
|| Three and Half Years Ago ||
I nursed the cup in my hand to the bottom, wincing at the burning its awful content left in my throat. Now I get why in movies people always made faces when they drink alcohol, it tasted disgusting. But another look across the crowded yard and I felt like swallowing another entire cup of this shit.
Rose and Dave had warned me about the dizziness that comes with alcohol, and believe it or not, their warning sinked more than any of our parents' lectures, yet when I saw that look in Lys's face...
Why was she being like this? Yes, I was completely out of line on her birtday but it wasn't as if I mean for her to fall like that. To break her arm. I cringed just at the memory of her awkwardly bended limb as she cried. I did that.
I made her cry.
I hurt her.
Nothing in my life would I'd dreaded more... except knowing for sure it wasn't the only time.
It kills me to know I harm her in any way, but I didn't mean to!
And ever since she'd been avoinding me all the more.
As if it wasn't enough her pushing me away for Jace, now I even dug a deeper grave by losing my temper like that. What a fucking idiot!
But I'd apologized, hadn't I? The whole car ride had been quiet but as soon as my father left I told her I want her back and she just keep refusing to meet my gaze and insisted in getting inside. As if she even want to be in this party! I knew she only went along because her mother insisted and she rather be ten miles away from me know. The fact that she was hiding with a couple of random girls at the other end of Jade's garden said it all.
She didn't want anything to do with me anymore and at that reminder I sip some more of the disgusting drink.
I just wanted things back to normal.
It was so painful realizing what I took for granted had been ripped away so fast... This summer, on our families' vacations we got so close I'd thought...
I shook my head, clenching my hand at the pang of ache that pinched my chest and spread like acid.
I was so ready to ask her out. I'd had the whole summer and yet I couldn't find the perfect moment. I'd just began to understand what those emotions were when fucking Jace stepped in the way. Then school started and she went out with him. Him and not me! How? She was mine.
It pissed me off so much... I mean, yeah, I took my time in understanding what this thing I felt was, I still hadn't figure out completely, but I was supposed to find out with her, right? Because we both feel the same, right? I could had bet my neck on it by the warm smiles she'd been giving me, responsive to my -little- improves. But then course starts and she went out with Jace!
I get mad at her, done impulsive stupid things and what did it got me? Absolutely-fucking-nothing!
And now she was avoiding me and it hurt like hell. I couldn't get over this roaming in my chest everytime I saw her ignore me and it only angered me further, which I knew keep pushing her away... I just didn't know what to do anymore.
Macy had taken her side in this and our group had been split since the course started. Despites Hunter and the guys from soccer, the four of us had been a pack for so many years now it felt... weird.
The two of them on their own and Jade stick with me. So that must count for something, right? Maybe I wasn't such a mess.
"Hi," as if invoking her the blond appeared from the side, waving the girl by her side and sliding her way through the dancing bodies here. She was in a white skirt and the top of a bikini, smiling warmly as he reached me. With one gest the freshman beside me stood and she took place in that spot on the verge of the pool, dipping her feet on the water. "I didn't saw you coming, you've been here for long?"
"Maybe an hour?" I answered with a shrug, struggling to cover my real mood with a grin too.
"My my! So long?" she giggled. "Gosh, I'm a terrible hostess."
"You do good." I patted her shoulder jockingly and she blushed tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.
Shit. I ackwardly lowered my hand. Maybe that wasn't the best move.
Ever since I brought her to that double date she got the wrong idea... but what other option did I have? Hunter was so crazy about Lydia and when she finally agreed to go out with him it had to be in a double date. Normally I would had brought Lys, but she wasn't talking to me, and Macy had taken her side in this. I didn't had many girl friends so I asked Jade to come and now I saw it was probably a mistake. It was a week ago and ever since she'd been... I don't know how to say it. Hopeful? As if that was actually a date and not a set up for them.
Clearing my throat I diverted the topic. "The party's great so far, so don't put your hostess skills down like that."
"Thanks." she smiled and looked down at my clothes before frowning. "Um, this is actually a pool party."
"I know." I eyed the pool before us pointedly. A third of our classmates were splashing around on it.
"You do?" she tilted her head, tesingly. "Then where is your swimsuit, uh?"
"In my house, in my room. Third drawer, probably. Why?"
"Brett..." she laughed shaking her head. "Who comes to a pool party without a swimsuit?"
"Hey, I couldn't, okay? I was having kinda an important dinner before coming."
"Sure." she eyes my cup pointedly. "Whatever it is I'm sure it went fine." I groaned and she rolled her eyes taking my arm and tugging me behind her. "In that case, what if we take out the big weapons?"
"Big weapons?" what is she talking about?
"Come on, if you want to get drunk you won't with that childy thing my step-mother tried to win me over with." she explianed with an eye roll.
The music became muffled once we passed the french door connecting to the garden and inside it was almost empty. I was still impressed her parents let her had a party by herself. Mine had stricktly forbidding me any of that 'til I was at least sixteen. Mac and Debby from French were making out on the couch and a small group was laughing on the corner of the living room as Jade guided me pass them towards the kitchen.
"Here, she reached for the top cabinet as I leaned against the big counter of neat marble. Its coldness against my palms was like an anchor to this slight dizziness. Guess Dave was right about alcohol, but I wasn't dizzy enough to numb this dull ache.
When Jade spun back to me she was holding a wine bottle. I frowned. "That looks expensive."
"Spare no expences." she grimace struggling with the cap and it came out with a plop. Her smile came back full force. "Perfect. Hand me those cups, will you?" I did and she filled then halfway, handing me mine. I carefully glance down at the dark liquid as she laughed. "What? Haven't you ever try it?"
"Not really."
"Well, cheers for that." and clicking our glasses she drowned hers. Shrugging, I decided that, what the hell? I was going to try it. My dad like it so it couldn't be that bad, right? Smiling back I brought it to my lips.
Bad idea.
"Ugh. This sucks."
"It does, doesn't it?" she drowned the rest of hers and grimaced. "It gets better the more you drink."
I followed her advised and realized it kinda was right. The second sip didn't disgusted me that much, so I took another and soon enough it was all gone. "Guess it could' been worst."
"To the new things." Jade cheered and there it was again, that look in her eyes. My chest clenched in unease as she subtly slid closer letting the glass in the counter.
"Um..." I look around looking for something to divert the attention. "Have you seen the-"
"Brett?"
"Yeah?"
She smiled at my squeaky tone and cupped my face making me more anxious. This is wrong. "Hush." and closed that final distance so fast I couldn't prevent it. One moment she was looking at me with that longing and next her lips were on mine.
My guts twisted and I felt my skin crawling, too shocked to properly react. She must take that as an invitation and pulled me closer standing on her tip toes for a better angle. Wrong, wrong this is so wrong... Not that Jade was ugly or gross or anything like that at all. Its just she wasn't-
A strangled gasp shattered the air and if my heart had picked up anxiously before, now dropped dead to my stomach. No. Pulling appart I saw what I thought and felt like dying right there. Alyson was there, petrified at the door's step holding her phone on the good hand and wide eyes, horrified.
She's seen us. She's seen me kissing Jade and now she gonna believe-
No no no no!
I stepped pass Jade towards her. "I-I..." but it felt as if the words had left my mind all at once. What kinda excuse could I throw at this?
I felt like puking, like crying. This wasn't supposed to be my first kiss. My first kiss was supposed to be hers. It was always supposed to be hers, not Jade's. And especially not interrupted by her walking into it.
This was all a mess. A huge horrible mess and I could saw in the way her huge dark eyes glittered that, once again, I'd hurt her. I hate how I saw tears pulling at the corner or her eyes with as that look of utter betrayal pierced throught me. I knew then I just screw up any remotedly remaining possibility I could had left.
"It's not what it looks lik-" but she wasn't hearing me, shaking her head she matched my step backwards, keeping the distance and turned around getting away where she'd come from. My chest clenched. "Lys!"
I went to follow her but was held back by a hold on my arm. "Brett..."
"Let go, I need to-"
"What?" Jade pouted, not letting go. "Come on," she waved a dismissive hand where Lys had disappeared. "She's just being dramatic to get your attention that's what she want."
"I-"
"It's not like she hasn't done it before, remember?"
It was like a punch straight to my guts. Jace. I knew they had kissed before, and he even said she let him a bit more. It didn't sound like Lys but...
Her hurtful look flashed in my mind again and I detatched myself from Jade's grasp. "I'm sorry."
I need to talk to her, to clear this up. I heard the blonde call my name but at the moment I was focused on finding the brunette girl before she get away and I lost her forever now. Because... if she got hurt at the kiss, that must mean she was jealous, right? Maybe she felt this too?
Once on the yard again I scanned the place and found her quickly near the pool, next to Noel Whickman. My blood ragged in my veins at the sight of his arm around her. It was clear she was uncomfotable and off, looking around almost in distraught for a way out of there as he said something to her.
She shook her head at whatever he just said and I saw how he tugged her closer to the pool, almost empty now. Hell no, I thought closing the distance.
"Just leave her alone, Whickman." they both turned at me as I stopped by them. At this point we'd already gained some attention on us.
My dizziness didn't mix well with my anger and I had to clench my fist not to do something stupid when he smirked smuggly at me not dropping his arm from my Alyson. "Fuck off, Ryder."
"No." I looked down at Alyson whose head was tilted down and her lids pressed forcefully, looking so sad it broke my heart. "Come on let's talk somewhere else." I took her good hand and went to tug her away from all this inquiring eyes but Noel proved to be an even bigger idiot and refused to let go, keeping her in place.
"We're in the middle of something, here."
Breathe in, breathe out. Don't make a scene.
It was as if he was trying to be as hateful as he could. Always messing around. Especially with Alyson, calling her names when he thought I didn't hear. But he held my glare with his own, surprising me. What the fuck was his goddamn problem?
I was about to make another retord when Alyson pushed both of us away. Her rejection like an arrow straight to my heart. "I'm going."
Forgetting about stupid Noel at once I focused fully on her. "Lys, let's just-" but she was already shaking my head, not wanting to hear it.
"Don't you get it? I don't care anymore!"
Frustration was appearing in the dangerous mix inside me. She wasn't being fair. So what if she saw Jade and me kissing? 'Anymore'? Not even half an hour ago she was doing her best at ignoring me, now she was, like, offended by it? Ahhg!
It all happen to fast from there. She held my gaze for a second, ire and betrayal in there, but as soon as she turned to head out Noel pushed her back and she shattered the pools surface with a scream and a shrill splash.
My eyes widened. "The fuck is wrong with you?" I shoved Noel's, ignoring the snickers and went to jump after but he pushed me back, mad too.
"What's your problem? It's just a prank."
"She can't swim, you idiot!" I spat and saw his eyes widened but Alyson wasn't coming out and I began to panic.
Before being able to think it through I found myself shoving him harder this time and dipping in the cold water too. Pulling her out shouldn't be that hard being that tiny, but her soaked cast weight like a tone and she was limp, out of consciousness. Luckily, people snapped out they fucking trance as well and soon hands reached out to help us out.
For a horrible moment she didn't breathe, but then she threw up a wave of water, wailing in the grass as someone rushed to get her a towel. Now my attention shifted to the asshole that caused this.
Noel stood where I'd left him, watching it all kinda in shock. I see red. When he noticed me approaching his lips parted and excuses poured out. "I... I didn't know-"
I tackled him to the ground. "You idiot! She could had drown! You-"
"Get off!" Next I knew white pain exploded on the side of my face. Noel rolled so he was on top, ready to hit me again but I shoved him away.
"How can you be such an asshole?"
"I didn't know she can't fucking swim!" he got up and fisted his hands, shaking in rage. But nothing compared to the anger that flued through me as I stand as well.
"You just don't go around throwing girls with broken arms to pools!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Why is her arm broken, again?"
I was about to jump at him again but Jade suddenly stood between us, her hands up. "Okay enough of this. Everyone out! The party's over." I didn't stay to hear the complains. One last glance at fuming Noel and I turned back to where they were drying Lys.
She was shaking, crounching on the floor looking at Hunter as he whispered reassuring things and brushed her arms over the towel they had thrown over her form. Her dark hair messy and stuck to her face. It broke my heart the redness in her eyes and how fragil she looked at the moment, seeming even smaller than usual. But nothing was worst than what I felt when she sensed me getting closer and flinched away.
"Lys..." but it didn't look like she was hearing me. Instead she whimpered and curled closer to Hunter, shaking, with her head down so her soaked hair fall like a blind and her cast tight against her chest.
My friend look up at me, pitifully, as he probably saw the hurt in my gaze. "I just called my mother." he said softly. "She'll be here in a couple minutes and she'll know what to do." What to do? She was fine, right? The lumb in my throat got bigger when she began making weeping noises when I tried to reach out again. "Em," Hunter cleared his throat a uncomfortable. "I think it would be... better... if you wait here."
Wait here? I scowled at him, anger like fire in my veins and after all the frustration taking control easily. "What are you talking about? Come on, we'll wait for your mother outside-"
"Brett." he eyed Lys with concern and gave me a pointed look. You'll freak her out, was what that look told me. And the fact that it was indeed true was like pouring lemon to an open wound. I wanted to argue, to lash out at him, but deep down I knew he had a point. My fist clenched, fury and this bitter feeling that only seemed to grown in my chest, uncomfortably suffocating me. "Please."
I looked away, all my muscled tensed and my eyes stung. No. I refused to be a total pussy. I focused hard on a spot in the table so I didn't had to see Hunter taking her away from me.
Away from me.
I caused this.
I pushed her away to the point she was like this with me. Whether it was jealousy what I saw earlier in her gaze this fear now overpowered it.
Hurt and fire flued through my body, filling each inch of my being. I had to clench my fist to had it under control. I hated how everything seemed to irk me lately. It was as if I was always mad. Always on the edge of bursting out. And I was pretty sure Lys not beeing around anymore played a strong part on it. My parents said it was teenage hormones, but who knows?
I want to go to her, hold her, let her calm me like she usually do. Saw her smile at me again... But I can't. And the worst is the I caused this.
"Brett."
A hand on my shoulder startled me and I flinched realizing then I was too focused on my own self control and destructive thoughts I hadn't realized the time had passed and now people was gone. Lys among them, of course, and the pang in my chest increased.
My fault.
Jade tilted her head, looking down at me from her standing position before me. "The sun it's setting and you still drenched. We should go inside." She was right, of course. The lights were redish now and when she pointed it out I became aware of the cold clothes attatched to my skin. "Come on." She tugged me off the grass and I zoned out, letting her guided me wherever.
I was confused, as if I just woke up from a long nap but the thing was I didn't. I was tired. So tired...
Random left overs and misplaced stuff was the only evidence there had been a party going no long after. This was the moment I noticed too the music had lowered significantly and it was just filling the air on the background.
"Where is everyone?" I wondered once we entered the house, messy yet empty.
"I kicked them out, of course." she perked one brow when but then glanced down at my attire and clicked her tongue. "You're gonna mess everything. I'll give you something dry."
And again my buzzled mind allowed her to take me anywhere as it busied itself with what happen earlier over and over. Jade must noticed too, or maybe it was the tension and ire that flued through my tensed muscles. It felt as if they could snap at any moment.
Maybe that's what I wanted...
Maybe that's what I needed.
For something to snap.
So this dull sense of guilt and frustration had a way out and I didn't have to feel-
To feel this.
"Is everything okay?" Jade brought me back to the present once more. Handing me a towel from the top of her wardrobe and only then I realized we were in her room. I'd been here thousands of times and it never felt anything weird, but now, after she kissed me-
Oh, fuck.
She kissed me!
In the heat of the events I completely neglected that fact.
"Brett." I looked at her. "Are you okay?" She pushed her silverly blond mane off her shoulder, making more evident her torso was only wearing the bikini top.
I scowled, focusing on my fists feeling instead of her and something in my guts twisted. "How do you expect me to be okay?"
"So you're not?" she hanged the towel by the chair at our side instead of hanging it over to me and placed one hand on her hip.
I felt her light eyes piercing through me even if I wasn't looking. Lys' pained expression flashed back in my mind and my jaw clenched. "No."
"You're being ridiculous." she scoffed and I snapped my gaze back at her just in time to see her rolling her eyes, surpised and hurt at her sudden outbrust.
"What's your problem?"
"You." the knot inside me grew tighter but she wasn't done. "You and your damn... obsession over Alyson."
Whoa! My eyes widened and I could feel my face burning. "That's not true."
"It is! What else do I have to do so you notice me?"
"Notice- Notice you?"
"Yes, Brett. Notice me. I'd giving you plenty of chances but it's like she blinds you and you can't see beyond it. I invite you, you bring her. I kiss you, you chase her. I've literally kicked everyone out for you, I'm here for you. Hell, I've kissed you, damn it!" she blushed as well but her determination didn't wavered. "And you still do nothing."
"I..." I didn't know what to answer her. I hadn't planned this situation. I hadn't even anticipate anything remotedly similar. "I don't know."
"You don't know what?" she pressed, not dropping the topic and stepping closer. "You don't know what to do? I can guarantee you, she knows."
I tensed at what she was implying. By now I had come to the conclusion Lys didn't like me the same way, but that and accepting it was different. Also, she wouldn't be jealous if she didn't right? Or maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to. Maybe it wasn't jealousy, it was something else... It was both weird and embarrassing to have Jade reading my my worst fears and understanding them better than myself.
I felt like cut open. Vulnerable. And my anger and frustration came back to me. I didn't want to feel this way. I hadn't asked to fall for Alyson, she was my friend, my best friend. I didn't want to feel this way towards her. To mess our relationship.
To lose her.
I wish I hadn't developed feelings at all. It wasn't fair.
I don't want this. I don't want this hole in my heart knowing she'll end up with someone like Jace.
To know she didn't need me.
And it hurt. It was stupid, pathetic. Lame. I need to get rid of this feeling. Now. Before it suffocated me from inside.
Jade's hands seductively traced my arms and shoulders, making goosebumps appear. Suddenly me beeing drenched wasn't such a big problem anymore. "I can help you forget her, you know?" a buzzing feeling rumbled above the distress of what happened earlier. She smiled sweetly leaning even closer. "Give you something to think about instead."
Jade was beautiful, fun, and I care for her. Beside, she'd already got my first kiss. And she did like me. Plus I needed to stop thinking about certain brunette. My heart pinched. Maybe Jade was right.
Let's prove it. I reached for her waist and kissed her. It was as if the world hold its breath, cursing at me for messing things further, but after the fist moment of startled surprised she smiled and kissed me back. That's it.
I was angry, so angry... I didn't need Alyson either! I could do perfectly fine without Alyson White in my life. I ignored the painful tug in my chest and struggled to focus on how Jade cupped my face and tilted hers deepening the kiss. That's it, I could do much better than Alyson, someone who wasn't so stupidly naive, or childish or cute-
No. Not cute. Irritating.
How pathetic was it that even now, with a hot girl all over me I was struggling to get my mind over a girl who hate me?
"What's wrong?" asked Jade noticing my rigidness. Her pale eyes eying me sweetly. What the hell? She was sweet, hot and I knew half of our mates would exchange places with me right now, and here I was feeling my heart dropped to my stomach. Get a grip on yourself!
"Nothing." and was glad when she kissed me again, harsher this time in my intent to vanish Alyson from my mind but she was stubborn.
I was barely aware how Jade walked backwards and pulled me along 'til the world bend and I had to press my palms on the mattress not to crush her. The blond didn't care, tho. Neither about my sticky clothes. She kissed me again and a pang of guilt struck me. Forget forget forget, I slid down to suck on her neck and she made a sensual sound presing her body against mine.
Wow.
This felt nice.
But at the same time it felt wrong. All types of wrong.
She tugged me back to her lips and and more mixed signals filled me. I can do this. I want this. I...
My heart picked up when she used one hand to bring mine down her neck and cleavage. Oh my God. She broke the kiss smiling against my lips, flushtered as well. "Do you want me?" as in a trance I nodded -since I suddenly became mute- and she smiled more leaning to seal our mouths again.
Okay, this definitely feels good.
At her advances I grew bolt too, guided by all those hormones that demand more and more... Jade slid my hand a bit more out the chest's area and around her bare side. Her skin burned and she shuddered, arching her back so I reached the bikini's clasp. A wave of hesitation struggled to take over and she sensed it as well. "Go on." she moaned but all I heard was it wasn't the right timber.
Not the girl I want to do this with.
No...
Alyson face flashed under my lids and a weird new emotion shuddered in my chest. I felt it lacing around my throat too. Then realization about what I was doing broke through me and I grew rigid.
Hovering over Jade, my hands froze their wandering, looking down at her eyes. She brushed my damp hair out the way and smiled. "What?" But I couldn't heard her over the drumming in my ears.
The fuck am I doing?!
I gave her my very first kiss and now, panting over her undressing form, it felt as if I was about to gave her something else too. Something that wasn't supposed to be hers.
The pain in my heart took over everything else.
I couldn't.
I couldn't do this.
Everything inside me shattered and I felt sick. "I- I can't." I pushed away from Jade almost falling out the bed but managing to catch myself in time, clumsily scurring to the further end when she get into a sitting position.
Her wrinckled sheets, her disheaveled hair and the swollen of her lips... mine tickled as well and distraught stormed in. My eyes stung helplessly and hers narrowed, annoyed.
"I'm getting naked here." she sneered shifting closer. "And you're crying?"
Instinctively I brough one hand up and flinched at the moisture I found there. I'm really a pussy. I groaned and turned to face the door, away from her and place my feet on the floor for solid support. It didn't help. Alyson's image ghosted under my lids as I uselessly pressed them tight. This wasn't supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen!
"There's just a lot in my mind." I let my head fall into my hands, my fingers pulling at my hair. Each beat of my heart felt like a dull ache across my limbs and brain. "A lot of things."
"I could take your mind off things." she purred and I felt her hands on my shoulders sliding to hug me from behind and a new wave of nausea hit me, making me scurried out her embrace like it burn. Which did. Everywhere she touched guilt and regret felt like fire in my skin, sinking to my core.
What have I done?
Suddenly the room felt too small and dense. The walls closing around us. I couldn't breath.
"I- I'm sorry." I stumbled towards the door, my mind ragging and throbbing. "I can't do this."
"Brett!"
But I was already out and rushedly stumbling down the stairs and out the mansion. This was a mistake. A whole-stupid-fucking-big-horrible-mistake. The fuck is wrong with me? Why do I keep messing things up?! As soon as I was out I bent over the nearest tree and finally throw up. My legs shake and a sob escape me, but I still felt dirty.
No more.
My lids pressed together and a full tear rolled down now.
I love you, Lys. Isn't there really a chance for us?
_______________________________
Wow!! One year!!! And the story had reached 25.9 k views and 1.5 votes <3 This is so amazing and I really appreaciate all your support so far. It means the world to me and makes the story possible!!!
What are you're thoughts on the chapter? You really got no idea how hard had been to write a 'nice' Jade, but since her and Brett are friends the side he sees of her is highly different form the one Alyson knows. What do you think of Brett's POV? Did you imagine his thoughts on this line in the original chapter?
I know it's been longer than usual since last update but I'm with exams and was busy xD Hopefully next won't take so much. You can always check my other books if you like, Just Kissing and Drag Me Down. I would really appreciate it <333
Don't forget to comment, vote and share.