*** Sorry for the late dears. And also I first itself warning you this chapters will have some intense things. You will get to know if you read this chapters. Take a peep in!!! ***
Aaditya pov:
After sometime I asked the aunty to leave thaanavi in the orphanage. Thaanavi first cried that she want to be with me. So I just took her in my embrace and consoled her for sometime. She slept in my shoulder itself. Then I kissed her forehead and gave her to the aunty. She then gone from here.
Then I gone sat beside her. I really have to read the whole diary before torturing them right.
So I opened it.
02/04/2007
Dear first friend,
Am sorry I seriously didn't get time to meet you. Mom sorry sorry madam started to give more work to me. It is getting difficult for me to study and doing the household work. Today am going to spend more time with you as my parents and siblings are not here. Yes siblings, guess it is an boy. Nakul always cries when others took him. But when I took him he won't cry, he used to see me with his big Big doe eyes. He would always played with me. He is such a cutie pie. Did I mention he is so cute, am so happy or else he too will be unloved like me. You know other things I even started to study well, I thought atleast then my parents wil see me right. But it doesn't happen. Me and priya are in the same school. But my parents didnt come to my parents teachers meeting. But they attended for priya. So like always this time too teachers mock me. I came into the situation like I didn't even going to respond to them by crying. Am getting maturity friend. But still now no one accepted me as a friend. Everyone seeing me as the fat ass girl. Even my name is fatty. Funny right. Fatty malarvizhi.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸
"I don't have words dear" I said to her.
I turned next page.
17/05/2007
Dear first friend,
You know am going to share my private matter with you. You know I become an big girl. I mean not like that. Actually am an big girl only in my bodywise. Don't speak like that malar. Ahhh. Okay okay I age attended. This is what aunty said to me. I first panicked when I got my periods. I mean I thought I have an some problem in my body, even I thought am going to die. Its funny right. But this is how most of the Indian teenagers are still like in my mindset. I first said to aunty with face full of crying. My exact words are
"Aunty I think am going to die, please take care of my Nakul. Please aunty" this makes me laugh now. But at that time I seriously thought am going to die. Haha. Then you know aunty asked me why am blabbering like this. Then I said to her, that am bleeding. Then she started to smile.
Then she said to me what it is, and then she clutched my hand and we both gone to madam room. After seeing us madam asked me what it is?.
Aunty said something to her. Madam instantly slapped me. I instantly placed my hands on my cheek to rub. I don't know now what mistake I had done.
"Fatty I asked you to eat less right. See now this is what will happen if you eat everything. Now see you got big girl before even your sister enter into that phase. Useless creature. Go and don't ever show your face towards me." she said into my face. Even my stomach were paining like hell.
Then aunty just took me to my room and then give the idea about the safety pads and all. Asked me to get freshened. This is what happened 10 days before. I will stop here.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸.
"Oh my god baby. This really sucks to read."I literally had tears in my eyes.
" Love you angel "
" Even as a boy I know this when I was 15 I think soo. But you dont even have any idea about this. "I said to her.
I turned the page.
21/07/2007
Dear first friend,
Its been one week of school opening. Am studying 7th standard right now. Like always I took the last bench. Yeah because everyone mock me If I sit in the front saying that I hides the whole board with my body. May be true only right. Offcourse.
You know one thing one girl spoke with me without having an disgusting look in her face. She is an new admission. She came straightly and took the seat beside me. Everyone looked shocked yeah even me too.
I even slightly moved from my place to give her place. Because I don't want to get bad name like I utilised the whole place in the bench. I don't know why but I want her to be my friend. But I know it won't happen. So I started to see the board.
She called me, I first ensured is she calling me or other. But she is calling me only. I asked her what.
"Can you be my friend" its her first words. I was like I don't know what to do. But I nodded my head because I know if I can't speak if I spoke then I would have cried.
She had an bright smile in her face. I was so happy happy but at the same side I know she won't have friendship with me long time, because everyone will start to mock her too. Then she eventually start to leave me. But I want to enjoy those some days with her. Tomorrow I will see her. My real first friend krithiâ¤ï¸. I will do anything for you girl.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¥ï¸.
"Oh my Malar" I cried by hugging her waist and placed my head in her chest. Thanks to krithi. Or else don't even know what she would have been right now. All thanks to her.
I again turned the next page to learn more about her.
04/09/2007
Dear first friend,
Its been more than a month. You know not even once krithi leaved me. She even stood up for me. It was like an awe moment for me. I don't expect this from her. She is an foodie. She many time invited me to her home. But I didn't want to go. What if after seeing me her parents ask her to leave my friendship. Because my own parents are not accepting me. Then it's practical right to think like that right.
I love her soo much. I seriously don't want to leave her friendship. I need her.
"Because she shown me what is love, what is to be loved.
I want to hold her with me to get to know more about friendship.
I learned many things with her,
Looking forward to learn many thingsâ¤ï¸"
Love you krithi my first real friend as well as my only friend â£ï¸.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸.
I smiled at her words. She is such an pure soul. She loves krithi way too much. Their friendship is one true one.
Next page,
02/10/2007
Dear first friend,
Today I gone to krithi home. I literally had an heart attack. When she started to shout at me,because I said that I won't come to her home. Then I said the real reason. She just hugged me and starred to scold me. Atlast after a lot of convince I accept that. Today is leave so I gone to her home. As usual my family didn't even asked anything. I just informed aunty.
When I reached her home. I just pressed the calling button and waited outside. One aunty opened the door and asked me what I need. I know this is the house of krithi that's it. I didn't seen their parents. So I said my name is Malar.
She suddenly started to shout. I know know she is going to say to krithi to cut our friendship. I thought. But what happens next is mind blowing.
Because she literally hugged me tightly. I even had an problem in breathing. After some time she left me and kissed my cheeks. I looked at her in aww feeling.
She called krithi and krithi informed me she is her mom and even introduced me to her dad. He just lovingly kept his hand over my head. Then they showered me so much of love. They even prepared lunch for me.
That is the best day in my lifeâ£ï¸.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸.
"Oh my krithi parents are really cool." I said to her.
Again I turned the page. I know everyone gone to the home. So I can read this fully today night itself. I want to know a lot about her. Her every problems, her every cryings.....
14/11/2007,
Dear first friend,
Today is priya birthday. Morning itself I wished her. But she didn't even shake her hands with me. I gone to the kitchen to help aunty actually she won't allow me. But I want to learn cooking. I love to cook. Now am started to learn it.
Today madam and sir prepared for function for priya birthday celebration. I am so happy. I know they didn't even wished me on my birthday. Its okay they might have forget. That's how I console myself. But I know the reality. If only I have been beautiful like my sister they would have accept me as their daughter right.
But you know what happened today I too get ready for the function as its happenings in the home itself right. My dad i mean sir all friends were invited and Madam friends too. Nakul is become attached more with me. I dressed him up. We both gone outside. He is around 6 months. Am so happy that someone is there with me in this house.
I gone outside with Nakul in my hands. After seeing me mam again get angry. No no not again I thought. Then she rushed to me and took Nakul from my hands and gave it to priya. She didn't even holding Nakul rightly. I started to shout at priya but mam took me inside of my room and slapped me in my cheeks not once many times. And started to fat shame me. I can't able to hear those words. I just shut my ears. I even kneel down and started to cry. After somete she gone. Now am sharing this to you.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸
"This is so heartbreaking to read like this baby"
Her next entry,
10/02/2008
Dear first friend,
Today am so happy you know why, I started to call aunty as Ananthi maa she allowed me to call he like that. I was the one who asked her can I call her like that. Am soo happy right nowð.
And you know what maa don't have children's. It's getting problem for her to ger pregnant. Please you to pray for her friend. She always cries thinking about that. Even man will taunt her, bully her. My parents are bad person. I don't like them.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸
"Aww my baby already an matured one" I just kissed her cheeks. And tok her hand to my lips. And kissed it too.
15/07/2008
Dear first friend,
Do you know what day it is. Today is my birthday ð. Krithi gifted me an pen with my favourite choci kitkatðâ£ï¸. I don't know how she knows my birthday. It is my first ever gift in my lifetime. She even came with an piece of cake and feed it to me. I literally had tears in my eyes.
She asked me about my celebration in my house. How will i say it to her
I don't want to look like an looser in front of her too. So I just said that we will cut the cake.
Then even her parents to came to he school to wish me as well as to receive krithi. Am so happy.
It is one of my favourite day in my life.
With love,
Malarvizhi â¤ï¸.
"oh my god only 2 months were left for your birthday baby. I want to celebrate it with you. Wakeup love" I kissed her lips.
18/08/2008
Dear first friend,
Today krithi was leave in the school. Its hella boring for me. But you know what happened everyone started to bully me. I just kept mum.
Today even for lunch I had separately without having an anyone. While I was having my food. One aunty who might be an parent for small child, showed me to her child. I just thought it might be an my allucinations. But her next words shooked me to the core.
"If you eat more rice then you will look ugly like that girl. You want to become like her or like that girl" she showed some beautiful girl. It was like an realisation check. That I indeed an ugly one. I just sat there as I lost appetite. I don't know why everyone taunting me. But one thing is clear to me. If we are ugly no one will look at us. I want to be lean like my sister.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸.
"What the fuck is that lady is an mother, no some fashion show competition leader it seems. They are not an human being. Even the grownup ladies were bullying the small child. Fuck this society" I voiced out.
"What she do then. Please don't do something terribly angel" I said to her. Because I really love her. I don't want her to endure more ugly things in her life. I wish I would have been with her. I sighed. And then turned next page with more anticipation.
"I believe in you angel."i said to her. Because I don't want to see her to self loathed herself.
20/08/2008
Dear first friend,
Its been more than a year of our friendship. I am soo happy. And you know I even started to do the exercise by watching TV and all. I think I will loosen up my weight.
Then I will become lean. Afterwards my parents will start to love me. Am so happy. Its just an one day of my exercise.
Krithi gave me an chocolate. I said thanks to her and ate that. Then at the break time I felt guilty to ate the chocolate. Then how will I become lean if I ate like this. With this thought I gone to the restroom and I self induced the vomit. I felt irritation at first. Then I become okay.
I ate only an small amount of food for lunch. Krithi scolded me for eating low. But I said to her that I was full for the day.
Diary did am doing anything wrong?
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸.
"What the heck. Self induced vomiting. Oh my god malar." I said to her. It looks something dangerous for me.
But I didn't have any idea about this seriously.
25/08/2008,
Dear first friend,
Its been an week for my new routine. I think I will become lean fastly and then my parents will love me. Am soo happy. But aananthi maa is constantly scolding me for eating less. I didn't share this with anyone.
Even in school krithi scold me to eat more. If she gave me anything I will eat before her, then I will vomit everything.
I don't know when I became like this.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸.
"Why you did like this. For those fucking creatures." I scolded her.
I instantly turned another page.
30/09/2008,
Dear first friend,
Its been more than a month. But I don't look like loose my weight. So I started to do the intense workouts. Now am vomiting many times. I don't want to have anything. But for krithi and maa am eating. Then am doing like this. Am feeling guilty right now. But I felt weak right now. Am sorry I can't able to speak with you bye.
With love,
Malarvizhi â¤ï¸.
"What my Malar. No no."
13/10/2008
Dear first friend,
Still now am following the Same routine intense workouts, self induced vomiting etc.., But today I didn't done that. You know why,
"What might be the reason. If only I know this I would have stopped earlier itself" I said to her by grabbing her cheeks slowly. I continued to read with curiosity.
Today we gone to outer school for science competition. Me and krithi participated in it. The function held in "Sathya school of University" its an big school in Chennai.
"Wait wait its my school." I shouted at seeing this. Aww my angel already visited this place. What might I had been studying at that time. 12th right. Wowww.
Me and krithi gone to the school with other students who participating in the exhibition. We all gone by bus.
After that we all given an place to exhibit our projects. It was fun for us. We kept explaining to all the students and staffs too.
But after sometime I asked krithi to take care of this as I need to use the restroom obviously for the same purpose.
As I started to search for the restroom, because its an big campus. I don't know where to search so I asked many many members. Atlast they said to take left and then right. I too followed the same path. But before I took the right. Some boys blocked me. Oh no they looked like studying 11th or 12 th standard. What am going to do. Already there some girls were standing there with lowering their heads.
I asked them what you all want. But they said that they were ragging. It's looks like an remote area in that school. There were no presence of anyone.
"What the fuck. They are studying school only right" I said loudly.
I asked them to leave me. But they asked me to dance. But I didn't as I don't know about that. But they didn't leave me. They even started to body shame me. The tears started to flow from my eyes. I tired to escape from them. But two boys hold my hands. I shouted at them. And even pressed my leg over their leg randomly. They both started to shout. But before I run from there, one boy slapped me, already I felt dizzy, so as a result I started to fall, but someone hold me by placing his /her hands in my waist over my school uniform.
"Wait it's felt dejavu. It's not dejavu. It's me right. Oh my god. Malar malar we are destined for fuck sake. Oh my god. I love you babe" I shouted as a result nurse came and scolded me. I then said awkwardly okay to her. Then she too gone out of the room.
I again started to read.
"What the fuck is happening here" that boy I mean one boy asked them all. "Senior aaditya it's nothing we are just helping them" they all said. Actually he didn't even leave his hands from my waist. I was like aww, because he didn't even disgusted to hold me. Don't get me wrong am not an desperate one. It's just I felt like that. With this boy I don't felt wrong to be wrapped around by some other boy. I felt tingles in my stomach. He just started to scold them. I couldn't able to see his face as he made me to lean in his chest. I just clutched his uniform shirt. After what seems like an hour he unwrapped his hands from my waist and home just like that. I didn't get time to say thanks. He is the first boy the one who helped me. Am so happy at that day I gone with an smiling face towards krithi. She asked me what, but I didn't said anything to her. Don't say this to anyone my friend okay.
With love,
Malarvizhiâ¤ï¸.
"Now am smiling like an idiot baby. See I love you a lot. But right now I got goosebumps after thinking this." I leaned and kissed her lips again.
"I could have seen her face that day itself. Ufff. Aaditya you are literally an lazy ass. Uff. Vikram is right. Atleast that day itself I would have seen my baby. Then our love too may be start at that day itself" I scolded myself.
"Atlaest you could have grabbed my shirt baby. Ufff. We missed our days." I said near to her ears.
"Then by now we would have had 3 children's with us." I said near her ears and kissed it.
"I hope you will soon wokeup. Please angel. You don't know how much happy am right now. We both already met. And now we are practically destined. So there is no way that you are going to leave me. Actually I won't let you to do that. Just wait and watch baby " I said to her. Placed my lips over her for long time. I got tears even those traitors were flowing from now from my cheeks to hers.
" Am sorry baby "I said to her.
" I couldn't able to save you. Am an looser only. "
Again I started to read,
12/04/2009
Dear first friend,
I have an shocking news for you. Its been an 6 months of my same routine. I lost some weight. But I didn't happy. Because still now too my parents didn't accept me. But that is the case for my sadness. Its just that I didn't like me. This really sucks for me. I felt ashamed for doing this. I know one thing, that I need to consult doctor. When I took this issues to my ltents their words shocked me.
"Atlast now I can able to get rid of you right." they said this and started to laugh. Maa started to cry with me in the kitchen. I failed her.
She immediately contacted krithi's mom she knows her. As I look so weak, maa took me to the hospital with the help of krithi's mom and dad. Krithi too came. All over the way she didn't spoke with me.
Actually I too don't have any strength. I clutched her hands while wardboy took me into the stretcher. That is were her dam broke. I immediately admitted into the hospital. But after a day or something recovered from an medics. The doctor informed me that I having an "Bullimia nervosa". I don't have energy will talk with you later friend.
With love,
Malarvizhi â¤ï¸
"What is Bullimia nervosa?" I shouted.
You had undergone many things in your life. But I complained my life itself. I thought of leaving your so called fucking family but not now. When they thought of getting rid of you. I won't fucking leave them.
"Love you wifey â¤ï¸"
"You may not knows now that am loving you,
I will show you my love, not by words,
With my actions, with my everything,
You may have some shits in your life, but at the same time you having an loving members for support.
From now onwards am too there with you baby"
" I need you like an oxygen,
I need you like an water,
I need you like this heart needs to beat.
So without you am an empty person.
Just came out of this,
We need to create many memories baby,
Love you"Â with that i again kissed her lips.
Author's note:
Thanks for your immense support. Am so happy.
Please do vote, comment and shareâ¤ï¸â£ï¸.
There will be an plenty of mistakes. Please bear with that.
How was the chapter?
Did you like it!
I couldn't able to write but I don't want to disappoint you all, as I have an helath issues. Please stay safe dearsð. Take care of your healthâ£ï¸.
Did anyone knows about this Bullimia nervosa?
Before some days I get to know about this accidently when I gone through some other articles. Please if you knows anyone who have this you can ask them to consult with doctors or therapist. I just want to make this aware among you all. Take care cuties.
Please don't get disgust after reading this chapters.
Love you allâ¤ï¸.
Love yourselfâ£ï¸.