Chapter 33: Hidden Scars: Chapter 32

time with Lily. I should be paying attention to her before she flies back to New York tomorrow.

But I can’t take my eyes off Jeremy.

Watching the way he moves, the careful way he sits when he’s not taking a shot. It’s us against Paul and Brendon, with Lily sometimes taking a shot for one of us since she didn’t really want to play.

Spoiler alert: I suck a pool and these assholes are enjoying it.

Jeremy takes his pool cue and bends over in front of me, swaying his ass just a little as he gets set. My eyes are glued to it, to the perfectly round muscles, imagining how his sloppy, plugged hole looks right now.

I suck in a deep breath and hold it while he takes his shot. The bastard glances over his shoulder at me then hits the cue ball, sending it across the table to hit the solid orange ball and not quite making it into the corner pocket.

He stands and grunts, a frown on his face as he stands next to me against the wall with one hand on the cue stick and grabbing his Dr. Pepper with the other.

“I thought you said you were good at this?” I look at him smuggly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, how many balls have you sunk?” He lifts his eyebrows high enough his hair hides them. “That’s right, zero.”

“Pool isn’t really my thing.” I shrug like it’s not a big deal but it’s bugging the shit out of me that I suck so bad at it. I don’t do things I’m not good at, especially not in front of people. There’s never been a time that I’ve learned how to deal with failure like this, I can’t just brush it off.

Jeremy smiles at me, shaking his head and takes another drink of his soda. I turn to my sister, who is watching Paul demolish us. “Hey, do you have a ticket to tomorrow’s game?”

She turns toward me with a big smile on her face. “Yeah, I’ve got a seat on the opposite side of the rink tomorrow.”

“And you haven’t talked to our father, right? He doesn’t know you’re here?” I watch her closely, looking for any indication she’s lying to me when she answers me.

“Nope. I don’t really want to see him anyway,” She shrugs, picking a napkin apart. “He’s never really cared about what I was doing anyway.”

I hate that she’s upset by his absence in her life. He’s not a good man.

“It might not seem like it, but that’s probably for the best. You don’t need him.” I say as Jeremy slides his hand into mine and gives me an encouraging squeeze. “He’s not a good man, Lil.”

She looks up at me like she’s seeing me for the first time. “What aren’t you telling me?”

The noise around us fades into the background, leaving me with a pressure on my chest I don’t know how to get rid of. All of her attention is on me and it’s too much. I don’t want her to know what I’ve dealt with, but I don’t want to lie to her either. She deserves to know the truth.

I open and close my mouth, not sure what to say.

“All siblings protect each other, it comes with the territory.” Jeremy buts in, giving me an out that I grip on to with all of my might.

“I was careful to make sure his attention was focused on me so he would leave you alone.” I don’t mean to say the words and the second they’re out of my mouth, I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. They’re no longer mine.

“Why?” Her eyes meet mine in the dim lighting of the pool hall. “What are you protecting me from?”

Jeremy’s fingers weave between mine, allowing me to use him however I need to.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, giving me the distraction I desperately want. This isn’t the time or place for this conversation.

Jeremy smiles at whoever is on the screen and accepts the video call with a big, happy grin. I don’t get that smile from him.

That’s a smile for friends and his parents, his little girl. He’s not easy going and relaxed with me.

A painful, emotion-filled lump forms in my throat and I have to swallow twice to get it to loosen up.

Jeremy steps away to take his call, Paul and Brendon crowding around him and saying hi to whoever it is.

“Hey! Mrs. A! Any way you can mail that taco salad you make? It’s bomb!” Brendon smiles at the phone screen.

“I can send you the recipe but I know you aren’t going to use it. Are you coming home for Christmas? I’ll make it for you boys.” Her voice holds a twinge of curiosity.

Jeremy looks over the top of his phone at me, raising his chin at me like he wants me to come over, but I’m not part of that group. He’s friends with them, and has obviously known them a long time. I don’t fit.

“I think he wants you to meet his mom,” Lily whispers, leaning into me.

I shake my head and lean against the wall, watching them talk to Jeremy’s family. For the first time, I wish I had friends like that. People who knew me and were more like family than anything else. People I had grown up with, lived close to, went to birthday parties and had sleepovers with. That life isn’t meant for me.

I’m a loner and that’s fine.

“Jeremy, I bought your plane ticket today, I’ll email you the confirmation.” The easy smile on his face turns tense, his eyes shooting to mine.

My heart stops.

Plane ticket?

He’s leaving? When? For how long?

Our nightly routine flashes through my head. How am I going to sleep without him? I can’t go back to sleeping alone. I can’t. I need him.

Fuck.

I try not to let my face show how panicked I am on the inside, but he can read me like a fucking book. The only person I’m fooling is myself and I fucking know it.

This is why I don’t form attachments to people. I can’t rely on anyone but myself.

A healthy dose of guilt adds to the panic I’m trying not to show. I’m a selfish asshole. He deserves time with his kid. She needs him more than I do.

Turning away from the pool table I head to the cashier to order something to eat. There’s nothing here I want but it will give me something to do. I’m sure someone will eat french fries. The grease from the fryer will just clog their arteries but I’m doing it anyway.

“Hey! Are you Preston Carmichael?” A voice calls from a pool table I’m passing. I stop and turn toward the direction of the voice, careful to school my face, a slight smile so I don’t appear aggressive unless I need to. Some people know me because of my father but typically men know me because they follow hockey.

A group of guys is staring at me from the pool table.

“Yeah, that’s me.” I lift a hand in greeting, hoping that’s all they want.

“Dude!” One guy yells, throwing his hands in the air and hurrying toward me. Unease clenches my shoulders and tightens my stomach.

“Hi,” I reach my hand out to shake his hand but he reaches for a hug. I immediately step back and glance around the room. People are starting to watch us. I don’t want the attention.

From my position, I can glance over to see Jeremy, but I’m trying not to. I can handle this on my own even if I don’t want to. There are too many people behind me, too many unknowns.

“Sorry, I’m not a hugger,” I state matter of factly, offering my hand once again. “I’m happy to shake your hand though.”

“It’s fine, whatever,” the stranger says before turning to his group of friends. “I told you that guy was weird as fuck.”

From the corner of my eye, I can see Jeremy sliding his phone in his pocket and coming toward me. Relief and anxiety swirl inside of me. I don’t want to deal with this but I don’t want him injured because I can’t handle my shit either.

My father’s furious voice echoes through my head. That was cut into me on more than one occasion after fighting at school. This one fuckwad, Trent, liked to push me around, and after a while I would snap and whale on him. I broke his nose once, dislocated his shoulder another time. Every time I lost control, my father would correct my behavior.

Even if this asshole puts hands on me, I can’t retaliate. I’m bigger, stronger, and better trained. It’s an unfair fight.

“Hey, how’s it going? Are you a Darby Ram’s fan?” Jeremy’s friendly voice and big smile pops up next to me, moving to stand in front of me to redirect the attention off of me.

“Yeah man, we were at the game tonight!” The man is once again excited as he chats with Jeremy.

I’m fucking useless. Why am I even here?

“Oiler and Johnson are here too, do you want a picture with us?” Jeremy offers the guy, who cheers.

One of the guys he’s with pulls out a phone and Jeremy waves the guys over. They come right over, smiling and talking hockey with the guy while I stand behind them. When they position for a photo, I step up behind Jeremy and Paul, force myself to smile, and offer to shake the guy’s hand one more time. This time he takes me up on the offer and we head back to the table where Lily is waiting.

“Does that happen a lot?” she asks me.

“Not really,” I shrug and grab Jeremy’s soda, despite not wanting it, I need something to do with my hands. I take a sip at the sugary syrup drink and cringe. Jesus, how does anyone drink this?

Lily’s laugh takes me by surprise. When I look at her, she’s almost doubled over, laughing so hard. I put the cup back on the table and try not to blush.

“It wasn’t that funny.”

She’s wiping tears from her eyes, still cackling and almost can’t catch her breath.

“You-you looked at it…” She breaks off to laugh again. “Like it personally insulted you.”

“So glad you find me so amusing.” I deadpan.

Jeremy picks up the cup and chugs back the rest of the soda while I watch with disgust. He steps closer to me but not close enough to get attention.

“Don’t worry, you can taste it on my tongue later.” He winks then bends over the table again to take a shot. Bastard is toying with me.

Checking the time on my phone, I see I have multiple texts from my father and a missed call. Great.

I’m not opening anything until after the game tomorrow. I don’t need him in my head.

“It’s getting late, we should head back,” Brendon says as Jeremy sinks the black eight ball.

“I’ll call the Uber,” I tell them, putting in that we have two stops and selecting an SUV that says it can hold seven people. We’ll see how many hockey players we can shove in it.

We turn the table over to the next group waiting to play and head outside when my app alerts me that the driver is approaching.

It’s fucking cold out here and Jeremy offers to wrap Lily in his jacket to keep her warm, which I appreciate. If Brendon or Paul touch her, I’ll break someone’s nose.

She smiles and wraps her arms around his waist when he pulls open his jacket, wrapping my tiny sister in his warmth.

When the car arrives, Jeremy and I manage to squeeze into the back row, Paul and Lily in the center, with Brendon in the front. Since Lily is being dropped off at her hotel first, this was the easiest way to sit.

By the time we get to the dorms, get into our room, and get changed for bed, I’m ready to crash but my brain won’t shut up.

I lay down on my bed, waiting while Jeremy deals with the plug and gets changed. Earlier, I expected to want him again before we passed out, but now I’m not entirely sure I could get it up.

The door of the bathroom opens, and the light shuts off. Rolling onto my side with my back against the wall, Jeremy climbs in, facing me.

“You know, if we were smart, we would push the damn beds together so we could sleep on a king-sized bed,” he grumbles as I bury my face in his neck and inhale him, relaxing for the first time tonight.

“You’re going home for Christmas?” I mumble against his skin. Jeremy wraps his arms around my shoulders, holding me against him.

“Yeah, I’m leaving after our last December game and staying for two weeks.” He kisses my forehead, his fingers tracing lazy designs on my shoulder blade.

Two weeks.

Two weeks?

What the fuck am I going to do for that long? I can’t sleep without him. He keeps me grounded. This guy is the light in my dark, fucked up world. How far back into the shadows will I be shoved when he’s gone?

“You should come with me.”

“No, you need time with your family. I’ll be fine.” I inhale his spicy, earthy scent and close my eyes.

We lay this way for a while, but Jeremy isn’t relaxing and falling asleep. I think he’s actually getting more tense.

“What are you thinking about?”

He’s quiet for a minute, his chest tightening under me, then quickly blurts out the words like he’s afraid to say them.

“Arewetogether?”

It takes me a minute to translate that and make sense of it.

“Together?” I pull back enough to see his face. “You’re mine and I don’t share.”

He smiles like I’ve said the right thing and made him happy.

“I don’t care what you call it or label it. You’re mine. Only mine.”

Jeremy’s glowing face lifts up, pressing his lips against mine. This kiss is different from the other ones we’ve shared, slower, deeper, it means something. This kiss is a promise, a symbol. It’s not to be rushed or hurried or angry, but explored, experienced, enjoyed.