Chapter 83: Chapter 83

Adelie

I’d never seen him shake like this before. “Do you love me?” he asked, his voice cracking. He was so desperate for love, for affection.

He stayed still, his gaze locked on me, as if he was afraid he’d miss something if he looked away.

I loved the concept of him. I loved that he was here, safe and sound. I loved his gentle nature towards me.

I loved his indifference towards his appearance, yet his obsession with unwrinkled clothes that Helen would bring him. I loved how he’d wait for me to join him at the table before he’d start eating.

I loved how he never complained about the flowerpot by the door, despite bumping his head on it multiple times. I loved that he loved me…

Was I being narcissistic?

“I need time,” I whispered. I needed time to sort out my feelings.

“But I do care for you. A lot. More than I’ve ever cared for anyone else. I care about the little things that happen in your life.

“And I know that I’m exactly where I want to be. I care about us.” His expression remained unchanged.

He moved away from me and sat at the end of the bed, his elbows resting on his knees.

“Why did you let Esty go?” he asked suddenly. Was it really that important? “She ruined what we had…didn’t that bother you? How can you not be angry at her?”

His voice wavered. He wasn’t the strong Alpha I was used to.

“I wanted her to suffer. I wanted her to pay for what she did to you. I wanted to protect you from everything, but I always fail. She managed to hurt you so easily and I did nothing.

“I didn’t know what to do. You could disappear any day and I’d be helpless. I can’t keep you safe. And I can’t sleep knowing she’s out there somewhere.

“Because I’m terrified that she might want something more from you.” He paused to catch his breath.

“Fala doesn’t love me like a sister should, but I don’t blame her. I never gave her the affection she craved. And my mate was responsible for our parents’ deaths.

“That pushed her even further away from me. She’s there, but she doesn’t need me. She has her own friends, her own life. And yes, I have my pack. But to them, I’m just a leader.

“What do I have if you’re not here? What do I have to fight for? My pack could survive under any other leader. They’d know how to move on.

“But do you think that if I die, you’d have nothing left?” he asked, not even waiting for my response.

“No, you’d still have everything. You have a father who will never abandon you. You have nature, which you’re closer to than anything else. You don’t need me to survive.

“You don’t even need my love. As long as you have nature, you’re content. You say you care for me. Then why would you let the person who hurt me through you go?”

I sat down next to him, seeing his face wet with tears.

I knew that this was unhealthy, that our love and my recent actions were toxic.

“Because I know what it’s like to lose a mother. You know what it’s like to lose a mother,” I told him.

“Esty has a daughter. She came to me ready to die. Her daughter was standing in the distance, ready to carry her mother’s remains. Kairos, I can’t do that to a child.”

Just the memory of seeing my mother die, of watching her body fall to the ground…no one should ever have to witness that.

“And I want to believe so badly that Esty will change because I spared her life. I really want to believe that.

“But if she does something evil again and is punished for her sins, I don’t want us to be the ones who punish her.”

“What if she returns for you?” he questioned. I pondered, would it really matter if I was already on the brink of losing my very essence?

“You’d just go with her, wouldn’t you? You’re not bound to me, you could leave without a second thought.” He understood me better than anyone else. He knew I’d leave if it meant safeguarding others.

“If she left me no choice, I’d have to. But I’d never willingly cause you pain by leaving. I couldn’t just walk away voluntarily,” I responded.

“But you know I’d go to any lengths to protect the pack, and especially you.”

It pained me to see him avoiding my gaze, just sitting there. It was as if I could sense his heartbreak.

I glanced back at the door, still slightly ajar. Rising, I shut it. “You shouldn’t stay here,” Kairos advised.

“I don’t want you to. And I know you don’t want to hurt me…so don’t. I can’t unwind knowing you’re here. I can’t sleep peacefully knowing you’re beside me but untouchable, unlovable.

“Adelie, I can’t…bear your unreciprocated love.”

“If you need time to sort out your feelings, then I need time to adjust to our friendship. But the gods know you could never be just a friend.

“Because I don’t see you as a friend. Friendship doesn’t feel like this, Adelie. So leave, and let me be, okay?” he requested, looking up at me with a forced smile.

Despite everything, he still spoke gently to spare my feelings. Would he ever realize I wasn’t that delicate?

“I don’t want us to be just friends,” I retorted. I couldn’t be his friend. He meant more to me than that.

He buried his face in his hands, sobbing, “I’m exhausted, Adelie, exhausted from fighting, from not understanding, from feeling worthless.

“And I would never stop fighting for you, but I haven’t felt this terrible in a long time. Like you, I need time. I need time to recover.

“To set boundaries for myself. To just be me. Please, I beg you to understand this.”

I was teetering on the edge of deciding whether to leave or stay. I had already caused him enough pain. I didn’t want us to go to bed angry and hurt. I wanted us to grieve together…not separately.

He couldn’t face me. He didn’t have to. I reached for the light switch and dimmed the room until only our shadows were visible.

I heard Kairos rise and slowly move to turn the light back on, but I pulled his arm back down and swiftly spun him around, leading him further into the room.

“What are you doing?” Kairos asked in a weary whisper.

“It’s difficult for you to look at me, and it’s hard not to feel guilty when I look at you. It’s hard to think when I look at you, because I can’t figure out what is ~us~. I know that I’m the problem.

“I’m the one who is holding back. I’m so damn frustrated all the time because I don’t know anything.”

“But I do know that I care for you and that I want to love you. And I will, but things have been too complex for too long. And I want it all to finally be simple. I want us to be…simple.”

I took his hand and placed it over my heart.

“And this belongs to you, regardless of what happened to my wolf or our bond. This will always be yours. It will always beat for you.

“And I want to belong to you. I want to be yours,” I whispered to him.

His hand pressed against my heart, radiating warmth. With my chest heaving, I didn’t know how to slow my rapid breathing.

“Why isn’t this love?” he questioned. “Everything you’re expressing, it’s something you’d only share with someone you love. How can this ~not~ be love, Adelie?”

“I’m not sure how to love without my wolf. Without Madeline, I don’t understand what love is.”

His hand found its way around my waist, holding me close as he leaned in. “Allow me to show you.”

His fingers brushed against my cheek. He didn’t need any light to find his way.

He led me to the bed, his hand in mine. He helped me sit, his vision seemingly better in the darkness than mine. He knelt down and gently removed my shoes.

He was patient, treating me as if I were fragile.

He lay on his side, facing me. I could feel his breath on my face, slowing from rapid to calm, our fingers intertwined.

I dared to move a bit closer, resting my head on his shoulder and taking in his scent.

Pure joy…that’s what it felt like to be enveloped in his aroma. I’d missed this simple love for too long.

His lips found my ear, whispering through my hair. “We’ll take it slow and easy.” His deep voice sent a shiver down my spine, causing me to close my eyes.

“A fresh start. A chance for redemption. I’ll show you the how and why. I’ll make you fall. And when the time is right, you’ll tell me, in eight letters.

“Not a moment sooner. For now, it’s a new beginning.”

The night slipped away with me in his arms. “Good night, Kairos Garcia,” I murmured.

“Good night, Adelie Murrell.”