Chapter 31: 31

Word Count: 1694

~Avila

Upon seeing his face, all my thoughts suddenly vanish from my mind.

This was a bad idea.

"Hey..." I say awkwardly, peeking over his shoulder to make sure Venna hasn't come back to the room with him. Thankfully it appears to be empty, the bed untouched.

"Everything okay?" He asks, clearly not expecting me to show up at his doorstep so late at night.

He looks tired, but he clearly hasn't been sleeping. His lids look heavy, the mirth once dancing in his eyes while he spoke to Venna how now vanished.

I brush past him and into the room, digging my hands into my hair. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"What's going on?" He closes the door.

"I hate this." I plant my palms against my cheeks, feeling my sense of control slipping. "I'm sick of feeling like this."

"Like what?"

"Like there's something wrong with me. I just want to remember again, to feel like myself," I exclaim, squeezing my eyes shut until colours dance in my vision.

Seeing Vade and Venna talk to easily, reminiscing about a past I should know about hit me harder than I expected. I'm in imposter, living in a body that shouldn't belong to me.

Vade sighs roughly, considering how to approach this.

"Trust me, you don't want to remember. You've been given a chance to start over, and that's something all of us wish we had," he insists softly, the dim light in the room making him look shadowy.

"What don't I want to remember?" I ask. "Why isn't anyone telling me anything?"

"A lot isn't for me to tell," Vade responds carefully. "People want to protect you."

I huff out a breath. People protecting me is the problem. If I don't know what I should be avoiding, how can I be safe? Not to mention I'm going to lose my mind much before anything else bad happens to me.

"I'm sick of that," I growl, pacing back and forth, not caring that I'm definitely breaching his personally face. "And now I'm having these, stupid, foolish thoughts..."

Vade frowns. "About what?"

"About you and Venna. About how you two would be so much better suited, and you already know so much about each other," I admit, grimacing.

Hearing it out loud makes it clear how insane I am.

"Venna?" He says her name like she's the last person on earth he would ever have any interest in. "There is nothing going on between Venna and I, and there never has been."

I wrap my arms around my face, feeling shame bloom across my skin. "She likes you. She thought it was okay because I never used to want you."

It's not their fault, but I can't help but feel torn apart at the thought of them being together. She's supposed to be my friend and he's...

Well, he's my husband.

"Well, rest assured I don't have feelings for Venna," he murmurs. "We have shared memories, but that's all."

"I know. I'm sorry." I sweep my hands through my hair, taking a deep breath.

Vade grabs my arm, stopping me from incessantly pacing. I let him turn me to face him, his sturdy hands  gripping my arms, grounding me.

"Don't be." He offers a tentative smile. "You're under a lot of stress."

He encourages me to sit down on the bed, probably worried I'm about to fall into a deeper meltdown. He always seems to be so effortlessly calm, letting nothing rattle him.

"When I had that nightmare flashback on our wedding night, I mentioned something strange to you," I bring up, watching Vade grab for a shirt.

I hadn't even realised he wasn't wearing one. Now that I do, I can feel my cheeks heating.

"What did you say?" He asks.

"I said that 'just because we are mates, doesn't mean things had changed between us.' What does that mean?" I question. I've been puzzling over the words all day and I can't seem to decipher it.

Vade freezes, half way through pulling the shirt over his head. Slowly, he pulls it away and tosses it onto the vanity, swallowing thickly.

"It...nothing. A weird choice of words, that's all." he shrugs, turning away from me.

I frown, watching him. Weird choice of words? Why would he react like that? Perhaps I'm just bringing back harsh memories of the way I treated him back then.

"Hmm. I just want to know why I said that," I mumble, rubbing my eyes.

"You should probably get back to your room for the night. You need rest," Vade exclaims darkly, his brows draw together, his eyes vacant as he remains deep in thought.

"But..." I stand, knotting my fingers together in front of me.

"What?"

I stare at Vade, my husband, and his plush lips and stunning face. An overwhelming urge surges up inside me, and I can't resist any longer.

I grab for him, standing on my tip toes to kiss him.

He's stiff against me, his hands remaining by his side. Seconds pass, until I pull away, embarrassment causing my stomach to twist uncomfortably.

His eyes are closed and his expression makes it look like he's in physical pain. "Avila..."

"You don't want to kiss me." I back away, the rejection jabbing me straight in the heart.

"It's not that," he assures me, trying to grab for me but I brush him off. "You're tired, and upset and-"

"No I'm not. I just want to kiss my husband."

He shakes his head. "You're making this so hard."

"It doesn't need to be hard. I know you want me too," I insist, pushing at his chest. He doesn't move, of course, but it feels good to yell a little bit, to let out some pent out emotion.

He has to want me. We had incredible sex and now he's acting like it never happened. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this...

"Fuck it," Vade growls suddenly, wrapping one arm around my waist while the other digs into my hair as he kisses me.

Relief, excitement and pleasure overwhelm me immediately as I press against him. His arm wraps tighter, his mouth devouring me in a way that dissolves any doubt about his feelings.

He turns me until my back hits the door. There is no space between us, heat pulsing between my legs as I feel the hard muscle of his body against me.

His tongue sweeps through my mouth as thumbs brush against my jaw. I can't get enough of him. I want this mouth between my legs again.

After kissing me for what feels like seconds, but I know must be minutes, Vade pulls away slightly. He gently kisses me one last time before he brushes the hair off my face tenderly.

"Better?"

"Much better." I smile, brushing my fingers against my lips, knowing I'm going to be haunted by the feeling of his mouth on mine for the rest of the night.

Vade's eyes glint with mischief as he steps back, giving me space to breathe. "Get back to your room before this gets complicated."

"Fine," I say with mock disappointment, although admittedly, I would like to spent the night here. He's right though, sleeping together again will make things difficult. "Goodnight Vade."

He opens the door for me, a beautiful smile playing at his lips. "Night, Avila."

The next morning, I'm woken by a soft knock at the door. I barely get to sit up before it opens, Venna peeking in.

"Peace offering?" She says meekly, stepping inside carrying a tray of food and coffee.

"You didn't need to do this," I say as she places the tray on my lap. "I was acting ridiculous last night."

She sits on the end of the bed, smoothing her hands over her lap. I don't blame her for looking uncomfortable. She thought it was okay to have feelings for Vade, and now so much has changed so suddenly.

"Is everything okay? You seemed stressed."

"A lot has changed since I died," I admit, blowing at the surface of my steaming coffee. "Especially with Vade."

Venna's smile is sad. "You like him now, don't you?"

"More than I thought I ever could, actually. Something draws me to him, and he just gets me. I know that's silly, but he is the only one I feel like I can be real with," I say quietly.

"I figured something was going on," Venna says with a shrug, reaching to take one of the grapes from the bunch on the tray. "I will always admire Vade, but I like him for you. I want you to be happy."

I blink. "Really?"

There is no way she can be so okay with this. Venna seems like such a calm, put together person. I wish I had those traits myself, but it seems I spend most of my time worrying about the past and the future alike.

"Of course." She pats my arm. "He's such a good person. I know that...he's..."

She breaks off, her smile fading.

"What?" I ask cautiously.

"Nothing. Don't worry," she states dismissively, averting her gaze.

I frown. "What? You were going to say something."

"I just meant to say that I know his methods of doing what he thinks he needs to do can be considered harsh, but he does it because he cares so much," she says in one breath, offering me a tentative smile like she knows she's said too much.

My eyes narrow, wondering if this has something to do with him coming home covered in blood that one night.

"What does he do?"

"I don't know. It's just rumours I heard." She waves her hand dismissively before getting up. "Anyway, I need to go get dressed. We hit the road today."

"Wait, come back-"

She cuts me off as she rushes for the door, slamming it behind her.

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