(Listen to 'silhouette'by Aquilo:))
Liya's pov
I walked out feeling numb. I couldn't feel anything. My legs, my arms, my feet everything felt numb.
I did everything. I gave my everything. I loved with all my heart. Tried to adjust like no one. Tried to stick by him no matter what. But as expected I was left hurt in the end. Hurt beyond words.
I anticipated this. I knew this day would come. The day I would be broken by him beyond repair. When I couldn't breath anymore. When I couldn't feel anymore. Becoming numb.
Did he really want this? Did he really want to break me so bad? Cause he succeeded. In the end he got what he wanted.
He really despised me.
I thought finally we could be together. I guess I was wrong. What wrong did I do to deserve this?
I stood still looking around. It was empty.But not more empty than my heart. There were no people around. And I couldn't be more grateful because finally I could drop the act. Even though I felt numb, I couldn't help but feel my heart tear up.
If only you could see, you would find it shattered into a million pieces. It felt like someone was piercing me with daggers. Continually. Not caring about how I felt. How hurt I was.
I looked up trying to control on my tears. I can't cry. Why should I? I don't deserve to cry. The only thing I deserve is to be hurt and then be tossed around. I have no right to feel. I have no right to let my feelings out. I have no...no.
A tear spilled out of my eye.
I tried to wipe it off.
I am fine. I have always been fine. I am no human.
Two more tears came rushing down my eyes.
"Dammit." I swore before wiping them off too. But the more I did, the more they came.
I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT. I HATE MYSELF.
I tried to wipe my face off any signs of tears on them. Slowly but steadily I became aggressive as I tried to not let them out of my eyes.
I regret it. I regret falling in love at all. I now know that the worst thing that can happen to you is being in love. It only breaks you apart. It only leaves you feeling shattered. Incomplete. Hurt. Betrayed. Numb. Guilty. Angry. Hateful.
You will regret it. No matter what.
You will always be hurt by the people you love the most. They will walk out on you without caring.
Just like Xavier Reed.
Xavier Reed. The only person I fell in love with. Did everything for him. Got hurt by him and yet always stood by him. And just like anyone he refuses to accept his feelings. Even if that means losing me in his way. He would much rather lose me than accept his feelings.
Do I deserve this guy?
He kisses me and then refuses to feel anything towards it. He doesn't want me to be with anyone else and yet he doesn't want to be with me either. He wants to make me feel loved and cared however he is the one who hurts me the most.
I took another step forward before I stumbled and fell down. I sat there staring at the blood which was coming out of my knees.
It should be paining, right? Then why can't I feel it?
"WHY CAN'T I FEEL IT?! LET ME FEEL IT! LET ME FEEL THIS PAIN!" I yelled loudly looking up at the sky. My voice cracked.
Atleast it would be better than the pain inside me.
It was nothing compared to the blood that was gushing out of my heart. The pain which was begging me to numb it. But I couldn't help it. I can't aid my heart.
It's funny how things can change so fast.
"I give up." I muttered. The wind around me blew strongly making my hair come all around my face.
I tried to curl up into a ball tightly against one of the walls of the cafe before letting it all out. The tears I couldn't control. The pain that was demanding me to be felt. To be let out.
I yelled loudly. I cried loudly. Until my throat burned. Until I couldn't scream anymore. I let my frustrations out. I let my pain out. The more I yelled and cried the more light headed I felt. The more my heart felt numb.
I love this. I would love to not feel anything. I want to get disappeared.
I held onto my knee tightly. I want to scream until I get disappeared.
I- I
"Liya?"
I stopped. I tried to hide my face away as I saw Nathaniel and Alec come and stand in front of me. It was silent for a while before I felt a hand press down on my shoulders and then making me face up.
I looked up and saw Alec kneeling in front of me looking at me concerned and with pain in his eyes.
"What's wrong?" Nathaniel asked.
I was still staring at Alec as he stared back at me, "Xavier." He whispered.
I closed my eyes as I nodded at them.
I cannot break in front of people. I cannot let them know that I was broken. So I tried to put a smile on my face as I got up. I wiped my tears away,
"What are you guys doing here?" I asked trying to sound cheery.
Alec was still kneeling there in front of me when he got up slowly and stood in front of me. He looked down at me intensely,
"What did he do now?" He asked ignoring my previous question completely.
I stared at him before averting my eyes and looking at Nathaniel. The way Alec was looking at me I could feel myself losing control over my emotions. I knew if he looked at me that way for much longer then I won't be able to control myself.
"I did the one thing I should have done a while back." I smiled still looking at Nathaniel.
"What?" He asked confused.
"I gave up on Xavier." I said trying to smile wide.
It became silent as none of them spoke a word. They both stared at me as I kicked my foot against a stone.
I waited for them to say something but they never did. Finally I looked at them to find them standing there looking at me with dumb expressions.
"You didn't, did you?" Nathaniel asked silently.
"I did." I replied.
"Why?" He asked...kind of hurt?
I am the one who is hurt. And yet they have the audacity to look at me like I said something which hurt them.
"Realization." I whispered.
"What are you saying? I could see Xavier finally letting his walls down...then what the fuck happened?" He asked frustrated.
I am the one who should be frustrated and ask, 'Then what the fuck happened?' But I kept a straight face.
"It doesn't matter now, does it? It is over between us. I am tired of holding onto him."
Rather he is tired of dealing with me. And I am done with my feelings. They are becoming too much to handle.
"It matters!" Alec held onto my shoulders shaking me a little, "It matters Liya. I just saw you having a breakdown right now."
I looked at him and then at Nathaniel who nodded his head at me in affirmation. They saw it. They saw me breaking.
"It was nothing." I whispered looking down at the ground.
"It wasn't nothing. So let me ask this again...what did Xavier do?" Alec asked as he pinned me down with his gaze.
I gazed into both of his eyes. He looked scary. It was the first time that Alec looked like this.
"Why do you think it was Xavier?" I asked trying to dodge the question.
"It can't be anyone else."
"It can be me."
"It can't be. You love him." He said staring into my soul.
"That's why it is me."
"Liya." He said silently in a threatening way, "What. Did. He. Do?"
I slapped his hands away from my shoulders before closing my eyes, "What is so hard to understand?" I gritted my teeth, "He doesn't like me. I gave up on him."
Alec stared at me before stepping away and turning away to look at Nathaniel, "I'll take her home."
Nathaniel looked at Alec before looking at me with concerned eyes, "Why are they being so difficult?" He muttered.
Alec puts one of his hands on his shoulder in a reassuring way as Nathaniel asked him, "Is she going to be fine?"
"I hope so." I could hear Alec say. I could only see the back of his blonde hair, "She is hurt. And this time it is bad."
"I am fine!" I yelled so they could hear me properly. They were silent for a while before they ignored me. I sighed before looking up at the sky.
The sun was going to go down very soon. I looked back at the cafe. At the main door.
I never saw him leave. Does that mean he was still sitting inside?
I shook my head. Why do I care? I don't. I don't care anymore. I don't care what he does. I don't care where he goes. I just don't give a damn.
"Xavier is not that cold. And you know it too." I heard Nathaniel say that to Alec.
I wanted to laugh at their faces. At their belief. They say Xavier is not that cold. I will tell you, he is the coldest bastard I have ever seen. As cold as snow. Who only knows how to hurt people.
Just like me they are fooled by Xavier if they think that he is soft inside because he is not. He is only as much monster inside as he is outside.
And I....I....
I sighed frustratedly.
Even after all he said. Even after all the anger I am feeling towards him. Why can't I say that I...I hate him?
°°°°
We both were walking quietly side by side. The sun was almost down now. The red was covering the sky making it seem like a blanket of rose.
"I can't see you like this." Alec said finally breaking the silence. He wasn't looking at me.
I stopped walking making him stop too.
I looked at him confused--raising my brows, "What do you mean?"
Alec gazed down at me intensely before taking a step towards me while I took a step back.
He continued looking at me with the same look while taking steps towards me while I backed away. I don't know what had gotten into Alec, but he seemed serious.
"Alec?" My back hit against one of the white walls of a house.
Alec came and put one of his hands beside my face and looked down at me intently with his sky eyes, "I can't always see you being hurt by Xavier."
I tried to look him in the eyes before looking down at my black canvas, "I told you I gave up on him."
"He hurt you." He whispered.
Why does he need to keep reminding me that? I was coping up with my feelings. Why can't he just help me with it? I don't want to break in front of him. And I'd be happy if he respects that.
I was still looking down when I closed my eyes in pain.
"Why don't you look around? Xavier is not the only guy." He whispered again.
My eyes snapped up to look at him. He was looking at me sincerely. The red sky made his light blue eyes stand out more as I looked up at him.
"I know." I whispered back.
I know what you mean Alec.
He stared into my eyes for a few seconds before he took a deep breath,
"Do you like me Liya?" He asked seriously.
"Of course, I like you Alec." I said in a heartbeat and looked behind him and saw a few people passing by. They looked our way as I tried to hide behind Alec.
I knew he didn't mean it like that. And he knew I knew that.
He closed his eyes, "You know that's not how I meant."
"I know." I replied.
He opened his eyes and stared at me for a while before sighing.
"You love Xavier." He stated, "Does that mean all I can do is watch him hurt you?"
I don't think so. He already hurt me too much. He can't hurt me further. They say you can't break a person beyond certain point. Maybe I have reached that point.
"You won't." I said looking at him.
He closed his eyes momentarily before opening them and looking at me hurt, "Am I that bad?"
I shook my head violently. He wasn't bad. He was good. Too good in fact. Even too good for me. How can I deserve him when all I did was push him away?
"You aren't." I said loud enough to make it clear.
"Then why?" He asked gazing into both my eyes while I was still stuck between him and the wall.
Why he asks?
"I am not ready to start a relationship Alec. I think it is time that I find myself." I told him, "Besides," I looked down at the floor, "if I consider your feelings right now then all I would be doing is using you emotionally for my own fear of emotions. And I don't want that."
He was silent for a while before he spoke, "I don't mind being emotionally used."
My breathing stopped. I stared at him, into his light blue eyes. The way they were looking at me. I have never seen Alec being like this. Being this vulnerable.
Even if he wants I can't use him emotionally. I am not that weak yet.
"I am not that weak, Alec. I will get through this." I said trying to sound confident.
"I never said you were weak, Liya. Rather you are one heck of a girl. And I can't help but fall for you deeper."
My breathing hitched. Did he just confess to me again?
"I'm sorry." I muttered, "I'm so sorry that I can't return your feelings, Alec." I looked down guilty.
He was silent. Still searching my face for something when I let my next words out, "I really wish it was you who I fell in love with."
He took a deep breath before stepping away from me, "But it isn't." He tried to laugh to hide his pain.
"It isn't." I repeated silently. I still stood there against the wall while Alec was far away from me now. He turned towards me with a smile now,
"But I am not leaving your side. I don't care how much you try to push me away. I know you need someone right now and I am willing to be that someone."
"Alec," I started but he held his hand out to me.
I didn't want him to be hurt.
"It is my decision to make." He said in a final tone.
I still looked at him unsure but the look on his face made it clear that he wasn't taking a 'no' for an answer so I nodded my head at him as I made my way towards him. He smiled at me before ruffling my hair.
"Let me take you home. And if you want I can even lend you my shoulder to cry on." He said wrapping his arms around my shoulder and drawing me closer to his body.
Not sure. Slowly I lay my head on the side of his torso while I closed my eyes. I couldn't stop myself. I needed someone to understand how I felt.
And I knew Alec could understand it.
Cause in the end, We all were hurt by the person we love one way or another.
___
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