I stared out of my window and up in the sky. It was a cloudy night. The sky was tar black and you could see the dark clouds moving effortless in the sky. I could tell just by looking that it was going to rain like one of the nights earlier.
But tonight I was home. I was safe. I wasn't with Alec. And I wasn't obsessing over Xavier like before.
I sighed deeply as I closed my eyes and let myself feel the tingles of the wind on my face. Thinking with the cool wind blowing all over my face made it easier for me. I could now clearly think about Xavier. Am I ready to forgive him yet? Is he even worth forgiving?
Was I going too far? But doesn't he deserve it?
And yet I haven't clarified to my parents that we were meant to call off our engagement that day. Maybe I don't want to because that was the first time Xavier actually stood up for us. For our relationship.
I could hear the soft noise of rain falling on the ground. I inhaled deeply before going and switching off the light of my room. As soon as I turned it off it was pitch black in the room.
I moved in my room with a content smile on my face. I left the window open as I went to my bed and now laid down to enjoy the weather slowly and steadily getting changed.
I changed my side and now lay there straight-- staring at the ceiling.
The loud noise of rain pouring down just like a huge amount of nails being dropped down on a floor filled my room. I turned to one side and stared out the window again. I could smell musky and pleasant odour of the earth.
A small smile made it's way onto my lips thinking of all the emotions I felt the last time in this rain. All the good memories I spent with Alec. Thinking about how much has changed since the last time.
The last time it poured down Xavier still acted cold towards me. He didn't care. And yet when his mother told me how he actually came that day...it made me happy....and now? I just don't care.
What was even there to be happy about?
My dark room was filled with bluish light. I pulled my covers up to my chin as I waited for the loud thundering sound to follow up. Not even a second later I heard it.
The weather is really taking it out today. Lightening. Heavy rain. It's like it just knows that I am in an emotional turmoil right now and it is letting me know that it is okay to be emotionally drained.
I closed my eyes and let all the chaos in my mind lose. The only thing occupying my mind was the sound of the rain and something hitting the floor of my room.
Plunck.
Wait, what?
I opened my eyes and now stared at the floor. I was frozen for a second before I saw another stone wrapped in a paper come and hit the ground of my room.
I pulled down my covers and slowly got up as I sat at the edge of my bed. I wasn't sure as I kept my eyes on the window. Not even a few seconds later I saw another one of them come inside.
This time I got up and ran towards my window and looked down. It was dark but not dark enough to let me know that someone was standing down--looking up...at me. Somewhere deep in my conscious I knew who it was. And I was afraid to see his face. I was afraid to think that he would actually show up here.
Why would he?
All my doubts vanished as another lightening illuminated his face enhancing his features. I found his weary hazel eyes looking tired and vulnerable.
I couldn't help but gulp.
I took a step away from the window and now stared at the paper covered stones on my floor. I got down on one knee and taking one of them with shaky hands opened the paper. I crumbled it out and as expected there was something written on it. His writing was all smudged up because of the rain but I could still read it enough to tell what was written.
I'm sorry.
Does he really have to do this?
Unknowingly I took hold of another stone and crumpled it out to read...
Please.
The next one,
I ..... you
Yes, the word in between all washed out due to the rain. It was just smudged up ink in that spot. I couldn't help but let a mocking chuckle escape my mouth.
Even the paper isn't ready to help Xavier with his feelings.
I went and turned on the lights of my room before going back to my window and looking down.
I could see him clearly now. Drenched in rain...he was soaking wet and I know for sure with this heavy rain if he doesn't go home and change he'll get sick.
I stared at him while he stared back at me from down. I couldn't bring myself to move as we both kept gazing into each others eyes. He didn't even bat his eyes and nor did I.
I could see him clenching his jaw as to not let himself feel cold. And I should be running down to help him...yet I am not. I can feel my heart aching to reach out to him. Yet I am not.
I closed my eyes in pain and looking at him one last time I closed my window. I pulled the curtains in before turning away and leaning against it.
I could feel my heart racing and paining but I ignored it. I have spent too much time on listening to my heart and I knew it was enough.
My phone went off. Slowly I walked towards it before taking it and checking the caller.
Xavier.
I kept the phone near my chest as I neared the window. I wanted to pull the curtains and open the window but instead I laid my hand against the curtain and touched the window.
With my other hand I picked his call up. Slowly I put it near my ear as I waited for him to say something. But he didn't.
I didn't say anything and nor did he. What was this silence? And why did it seem okay?
"I can see your silhouette." He whispered into the phone, "I know you are standing there on the window."
I stared at the cream curtains.
I looked down even though I knew I couldn't see him,
"Why are you here?" I asked closing my eyes.
He ignored my question as he said, "I am reaching out to you from down here just like you are trying to from that window. I wish I could pull you in my arms."
I bit my lip before taking my hand away,
"Don't." He said into the phone. I could hear his voice getting softer. He was cold. And I knew that. He was soaking wet in the rain. His clothes, his hair...everything.
"What are you doing here, Xavier?" I asked repeating myself again.
He was silent for a while before I heard his teeth chatter. I could almost see him pulling the phone away before trying to regain his strength,
"I came here to ask for forgiveness." He finally let out.
I blinked a few times before going and switching the lights of my room off. I knew he couldn't see me now.
I went back towards the window, "Go home."
"Not until you forgive me."
"I can't! Don't you see? I am willing to be hurt rather than forgiving you." I yelled desperately into the phone.
He was silent for a moment before he spoke again, "Did I push you that far?"
"You don't know." I replied.
He didn't say anything as I again told him to go home. I just want him to get home and change as quickly as possible because no matter how much mad I am at him I don't want him to fall sick because of me.
"Xavier?" I said into the phone.
His breathing was shallow, "What am I supposed to do? I don't know anymore. Did I really fuck up that bad that I can't be forgiven?"
I felt bulk rising in my stomach, "Why don't you go home right now and we can talk about it tomorrow?"
"Liya, please. I beg you. I am not able to bear the pain. It is killing me."
I was tongue tied.
It was killing him? I act cold towards him just for a few days and it is hurting him? What about those seven years he acted cold towards me? He killed me continually for seven years and yet did I complain?
"You killed me for seven years." I mumbled into the phone as cold as I could.
I could hear him breathing in through his mouth. I could almost imagine him standing down there staring up at my window with the phone close to his ears while his lips quivered.
"I know, I deserve it." He whispered before cutting the call off.
I removed the phone away from my ear and clutched onto it tightly as I pressed it against my chest.
I really want him to know what it felt like to be treated the way he treated me. Cold. heartless.
I stared at the stones and the papers lying on my floor now. I slowly walked upto them and taking the papers in my hands I stared at the one in particular,
I .... you.
Can I let myself think that Xavier actually meant it when he said, 'I love you' to me in his sleep?
Did he really meant to write I love you or is it all over my head?
"Rock a bye baby, on the tree top,"
I froze there in my spot. I could hear his quivering soft voice. He remembers it. It was a really faint voice. Unsure I went to the window and through the curtain brought my ear closer to the glass.
"W-when the wind b-blows the cradle will rock,
W-when the bough breaks the c-cradle will fall,
And d-down will come baby, cradle and a-all."
Didn't I tell him to go home? Why the fuck was he still here if he was so cold? Why was he being so stubborn? Is my forgiveness really worth more to him than his own health?
I went and sat at the edge of my bed. I still had the papers in my hands as I held onto them tightly. I crumbled them up and threw them in a corner of my room in frustration. Why is it so hard?
I couldn't help but notice the little Xavier on my bedside staring at me through the photo frame,
"What are you staring at?" I murmured before turning it down.
I sat there anxiously as I heard the clouds rumbling. It was silent now. I couldn't hear Xavier anymore. Could it be that he finally went home?
I took a few quick steps towards the window and pulling the curtains aside, I opened the window and stuck my head out to make sure he was not there.
I sighed with relief when I couldn't see him anymore. I closed my eyes momentarily before going back to my bed and laying down.
°°°°
I don't know when I fell asleep but I know for a fact that I woke up due to the weather getting worse than ever.
I yawned before checking the time on my phone...3 am.
It poured down heavily...pounding on the glass of my window. There was a low long rumble of thunder as I sat in alert now.
I could hear the wind swirling outside. It was as rough as it could be. And even though I knew Xavier had gone home a long time ago I couldn't help but have this sinking feeling in my gut.
I could feel his presence even though I was sure I didn't see him back then. I grew anxious as the each second passed.
Finally I climbed out of my bed and ran towards the door. I don't care if getting out at this late hour in the rain will make me sick...I just need to make sure that Xavier actually went home.
Just because even after all he did...even after how cold I want to act towards him...I still cared for him enough to make me run outside.
I hurried down the stairs-- almost missing one stair at a time and running towards the main door. I unlocked it before finally opening it.
As soon as I opened the door I was welcomed with a chilly air blowing all over me. I felt a shiver run down my spine as I prepared myself and stepped outside.
I walked a few steps forward on my porch. I rubbed my arms in order to keep myself warm. I searched around hoping I wouldn't actually see him. I didn't want to see him here. I actually hope that he would have went home. I walked a few more steps until I was standing just at the end. I could feel few rain drops falling on me now.
When I didn't find anyone in front of my house I couldn't be more happier... I was worried for no reason afterall.
But where my mind was happy to not find him...my heart wasn't. It was sitting here in hope that we would find Xavier still waiting for me here. Afterall, he said he won't leave me until I forgave him, didn't he?
And that right there ladies and gentlemen is the reason why you shouldn't listen to your stupid little heart. It will only make you weak.
I couldn't help but shake my head as I softly laughed at my silliness. I stood there for a minute before inhaling a deep breath taking in all the sweet smell and turning around to go inside.
I can finally sleep soundly now. Without any guilt or doubt.
"I knew you would come out."
My heart leaped as I heard the voice. His voice. So soft that I couldn't even tell that it was his.
I snapped my head in the front and searched for him. All around. The garden in the front. Heck in the branches of the trees.
And yet I couldn't see him.
Was I hearing things?
"You still care about me, don't you?" I heard him say again.
It was no mistake where his voice came from this time. I stepped down the porch and walking a few steps in the left I faced towards my house to find him leaning there against the wall of a porch.
I stood in front of him as I could feel the water slowly making my hair wet...then my clothes...my socks...until I was completely soaked in.
Xavier had his eyes closed but he opened them once he could feel my presence. The time had stopped the moment when I stood across from him whereas he sat there. His hazel eyes half closed, half open. And the water dripping from the edge of his eyelashes trailing their way down to his pink lips.
"I thought I told you to go home." I said as I noticed his eyes red.
"I already told you that I was not going home until you forgave me." He muttered through the chattering teeth as he pulled his legs closer to his chest.
It was becoming unbearable to see Xavier like this. I had never seen Xavier showing his vulnerable side and yet here he was. For how long has he been in the rain now? Four hours? Five hours?
"For how long do you think you can keep it up?" I asked frustrated. He puts his hands on the ground and tried to get up. I took a step towards him reluctantly but he managed to stand on his own,
"As long as you don't forgive me I am willing to spend as many nights in front of your house." He smiled softly at me.
I was crying. He couldn't tell it but I was. My cries were mixed with the rain. At this point I wasn't even sure of my feelings anymore. Even my feelings were playing tricks with me.
I saw Xavier taking slow steps
towards me. I stared at him confused,
"What are you doing?" I asked him.
He didn't say anything until he was standing in front of me. Then without even saying anything he placed his hand behind my neck and pulled me in to rest my head on his chest,
"You don't need to hide it from me when you cry." He assured me.
I was surprised at his words. How did he even know I was crying?
I could hear his heart beating wildly in my ear as it was against his chest. I stood still for a moment feeling each and every reaction my body was having to
the close proximity between us. I felt warm, jittery and all the feelings I felt whenever he was close to me. Just when I could feel myself giving in and hugging him back, I pushed him away from me.
He stumbled a little but he was still on his
two feet as he looked at me confused before the look on his face changed that to understanding.
The pitter patter of the rain surrounded us as I stared at him with all the emotions I couldn't express through words. I could see him doing the same.
In that moment I couldn't help but feel completely stripped off and open with my feelings. None of us was hiding anything after a long while.
Because we knew that our eyes were speaking volumes than our tongue. We both knew it was easier this way. None of us would make it worse by saying something stupid.
And this moment. It was just between Xavier, me and this harsh yet beautiful rain.
___
Hey guys,
Hope you enjoyed today's chapter:)
I am sorry for the late update:(...you ask the reason? Well, after a whole lot of procrastination your girl is finally doing something like,
1) Exercise...lol even I can't believe.
2) Study! Someone help me with my entrance lol... (What do you think is worse? Permutation and combination or integral calculus?)
3) Learning how to write Japanese! It is such a beautiful language I swear.
Anyways, leave down your thoughts.
So don't forget to vote, comment and share:)
Love youuu<3