32. Saturday Week Eleven
Two weeks. That's how long Noah hadn't spoken to me for and to top it off I hadn't spoken to Eli since we had slept together last Saturday.
It was undeniable that he was avoiding me or at least pushing me away again. Confusion swamped me as I made myself dinner at home. Nan and Ty were out for the evening so I had the house to myself which meant I had plenty of time to overthink things. Bloody perfect.
The smearing of Nutella on toast was halted by the sound of my doorbell. Licking my fingers clean of chocolatey goodness, I made my way to the front door to open it.
"Eli," I mumbled out in surprise around the finger still in my mouth.
Eli arched a brow and I abruptly removed my finger as his eyes traced a path from my white painted toes, up my legs clad in purple lounge trousers before they stopped on my torso which was sheathed in his sweatshirt â sue me, it was oversized and warm.
"You gonna let me in?"
I cocked my hip out, "you gonna disappear for another week?"
He grunted before moving past me and into the house, letting himself in, "we need to talk, Rei."
The door slammed as I closed it with a little too much force, "yes, we do. Where've you been?"
Eli spun to face me, stopping in the lounge, "busy."
"Great. Now that I know everything, I can rest easy."
He gave me a dry look, "you don't need to know everything."
I frowned, "that implies that I don't already. I thought you told me everything about your father and all that stuff."
But before he could respond the shrill doorbell sounded through our quaint little bungalow, I was popular tonight.
The face on the other side of the door shocked me, excited me, saddened me.
"Hey," he whispered.
"Hi," I replied, a broad but sad smile stretching across my face, "I've missed you so much, No-No."
A beat of silence, "I've missed you too, Rei."
If possible, my smile widened but it soon dropped off my face when I heard shuffling noises behind me and then Noah's eyes flickered to Eli and his entire face hardened, except for his eyes which gleamed with anger.
"Seriously?" He looked at me, "what is he doing here?"
"Why would I not be here?" Eli had his arms crossed across his chest and he was staring at Noah with passive indifference.
Noah shook his head, "what are you doing, Rei?"
"I don't know," I breathed out as my mind flowed with all the things that had happened recently, "but I don't want to lose you, Noah."
"And I don't want to lose you either, why do you think I came here tonight?"
Hope fluttered alive in my chest, "so let's talk, we can fix this."
His eyes flickered back to Eli, "how? How are we supposed to when I can't trust a word you say because he," an aggressive point at Eli, "is always around, manipulating everything you do and say?"
"What?" I frowned, "he doesn't manipulate me, Noah, what are you talking about?"
"Really?" His yelling voice rang in my ears, "so why have you been lying to me, keeping things from me!? It's because of him, Reillyn, he is bad for you!"
My head shook back and forth, "you don't even know him, Noah."
"I know enough."
"So tell me then," I screamed, "tell me what you know! What makes him so terrible?"
"He is going to hurt you, it is inevitable. You need to cut him out of your life before he gets so close to you that the hurt he leaves you in, you can't come back from!"
"He isn't the one hurting me right now, Noah, you are! I am so sorry that I lied to you, I know that was wrong but that had nothing to do with Eli. I am the one who chose to keep that from you," salty tears entered my mouth as they escaped my eyes amid my shouts, "He is not Marcus and you need to get over this fear that everyone is going to hurt me like Marcus did."
Noah pointed at me, tears shining in his own eyes, "this has nothing to do with Marcus, this is about you and him," he pointed at Eli, "and how you need to stop this before we end up back where we were last year."
"We can't just hide away from everything that might end badly, Noah, that's not living."
"Might? There is no might about it, he is going to hurt you and when he does, you won't be able to come back from it."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means you've been through a lot, Reillyn, and I worry about how much more you could take. I mean come on, you're seventeen. You've lost your parents, been in an abusive relationship, dealt with a drug addict for a best friend. How much more of this can you put yourself through?"
"Don't you dare make this about me," I screamed, "what I have been through has nothing to do with my relationship with Eli. What? Just because I've had a shitty past I have to protect myself to make sure I don't have a shitty future."
"That's exactly it, I need to keep you safe."
"Noah, please listen to me â"
"I don't want to listen to your bullshit!" He bellowed, I took a step back, "things were just fine until he came along and fucked it all up."
I shook my head before speaking softly, "no, Noah, it was fucked up long before I met Eli."
He frowned, the creases on his forehead paired with the tear tracks on his face made my heart pang, "what are you talking about?"
"It wasn't fine, Noah, I wasn't fine," I gave him a soft smile, "I said that I was, that everything was okay. You're right, I've been through a lot and all of it still haunts me and it will always haunt me but Eli makes it easier to deal with."
"That won't last, and it's only going to get worse if you let yourself fall for him."
"Too late, Noah," I blurted out.
"What?" Surprise flickered across his eyes.
The words now out in the open, I shrugged, feeling a weight remove itself from my chest as the air lightened around me, it felt good to say the words aloud, "I love him. I am in love with him, Noah, and you are just going to have to learn to live with that."
He shook his head, backing away from me but this time I did nothing to stop him, I let him walk away. This time, I closed the door and turned away.
"You love me?"
I turned to face Eli, wiping the tears off my face with my jumper and giving him a weak smile, "not exactly how I imagined telling you, but yeah."
His face portrayed no emotion and I frowned, why was he being so blank.
"How are you in love with me?"
"What do you mean?"
"You don't love me, Rei."
My frown deepened, "why would you say that?"
"You don't know a thing about love, how the fuck are you supposed to know you love me?"
"I just do, Eli, how would you know what I do or don't feel?"
"You don't know me well enough to love me."
I shrugged, "that's part of falling in love, learning about each other."
"Yeah but you're not falling in love with me, Reillyn, you are in love with me."
"Are you trying to tell me you don't feel the same way?"
"Why the fuck would I?"
His words pierced me and I shook my head, "you're lying."
He scoffed, "you're making shit up in your head again, Rei," he shrugged carelessly as if this wasn't a big deal to him, "I don't love you and I never could, fuck, I don't want to."
"What?" I reached for him but he stepped away, out of my reach, "why are you saying this?"
"You're delusional, Rei. Just admit that you don't love me. A broken girl like you. You barely even know what it's like to feel loved let alone love another."
And with one sentence, my heart shattered.
Everything was falling apart around me, slipping through my fingers like smoke and there was nothing in the world that could help me catch it. Helplessness enveloped me and whispered doubts and insecurities into my ear, smashing the shards of my already broken heart.
"Jesus, you're pathetic," he sneered, glaring at my tears, "I don't love you, I tried to get rid of you you just wouldn't fuck off. I want you the fuck out of my life."
I shook my head, "you don't mean these things."
"Fucks sake, it's like you want to get hurt," he stepped closer to me, stopping when he was stood right in front of me, yet I still felt the miles between us, "why don't you stop grovelling after men who don't give a fuck about you. You don't love me, Reillyn, just like I don't love you."
Silence
He stepped away, shoving his hands into the pockets of his black jacket like this conversation was boring him. Like I was boring him.
"You're right," I whispered, "I don't love you. The boy I love isn't a fucking coward who lies about how he feels. He doesn't hide behind harsh words and mean faces, he's not a fucking pussy like you are."
He growled, "have a nice life you clingy bitch, we're done."
And with that, for the second time that evening, someone I loved left my life.
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