42. Thursday Week Seventeen
The fabric felt too tight against my body and the heels felt too high beneath my feet. My toes wanted to wriggle but the confined nature of the heeled shoes prevented them from doing so. Every curve of my body was on blatant display and my tanned skin seemed even more prominent against the bright white bodycon dress â I was beyond uncomfortable.
I sensed him before he even spoke a word but I didn't dare move from my position in front of the long mirror.
"Is that the dress you have to wear for your dinner with Vincent tomorrow?" he wanted to know.
Slowly, I slipped out of my heels, reaching my now bare toes into the plush carpet and delighting in the freedom.
"You haven't spoken to me in almost a week," I uttered quietly, "and that's the first thing you say to me?"
Even though I still wasn't facing him, I knew he had pushed off of the doorframe and was standing tall mere metres away from me. The atmosphere made me understand for the first time what it felt like to be so physically close to someone whilst also being worlds apart.
"What do you want me to say, Reillyn?" My eyes shuttered closed at his accusing tone, "you want me to tell you how much I hate this? Because I do, tigru, I hate it so fucking much," I saw him run his hands through his unkempt hair out of the corner of my eye, his bright blue eyes blazing, "do you know how hard it is to watch you try on clothes for another man? I fucking hate it!"
Eyes still sealed shut, I whispered, "don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Act as if you care."
Silence stretched between us as neither one of us spoke, but the lack of words began to eat at me. It made me think and feel when all I wanted to do was scream and cry.
"I love you, tigru," he breathed out but the words that were supposed to soothe me only served to ignite a fire in me. A fire which scorched my insides in the worst way possible.
"You don't love me," I told him, using his own words against him, "if you loved me, you wouldn't have left me. If you loved me, you wouldn't have chosen Vittoria over me. If you loved me, I would be with you, not against you all the time."
"Vittoria?" His voice was inquisitive and confused, "I didn't choose her. I want you, I have always wanted you."
"Well do you know what I want, Ryker?" I asked him, finally turning to face him, "I want to go home," my voice was pleading with him, begging him to understand, "I want to see my Nan and Ty. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to fix things with Noah and I want my friends back."
My voice cracked and I gave up trying to restrain my tears. Here, standing in front of the boy I loved, I let it all out.
"My whole life has been one shitty thing happening after another. All I wanted was one year, just one year, where I didn't have to hate my life or be angry with the world. I pick the wrong boys. I'm not enough for my broken family. I've repeatedly lied to my friends and let them down when all they've ever done is love me through all my bullshit," I sobbed and looked him in the eye, "what the fuck do I have left?"
"I need to do this, Eli, I need to get rid of Mikael and Vincent. If not for you and Raven and Cayden and Max then for me and Nana and Ty and all of our friends. Because it's not too late for me to finally be happy. I just want to know joy again, Eli, I just want to be happy."
My tone altered to frustration but salty tears continued to stream down my face, "I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to wake up every single day and see you because it hurts. Being around you hurts," I took a deep breathe in, "being around you reminds me that I don't have you anymore, that I never will. Because you have ruined us, Eli, this," I motioned between us, "can't ever be fixed."
All I received from him was an abrupt nod of acknowledgement before he spun on his heel and left me alone in Raven's room to suffocate in my own sadness.
â â â â â
Not even the thick duvet that I had cocooned around me could remove the icy chill from my heart. I was so drained. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Just drained in every way possible.
Sleep evaded me on a regular basis and when my eyes did manage to close, all I saw were movies of memories that I wanted to forget forever.
The door hinges squeaked as someone pushed it open. I didn't dare move, keeping my back as a solid barrier between him and my emotions. The soft click of the door sounded and I heard and then felt as he padded over and sat on the foot of my bed.
Curious, my eyes flickered over to him and I noted how he was sat forward, elbows on knees. The position made the muscles of his bareback tense and contract but I moved my eyes away as I waited for him to speak.
"Mikael," he croaked, "Mikael raised me, Reillyn. Ma was about but she was always working, it was Mikael who taught me things, introduced me to the world. He taught me that showing your emotions made you vulnerable and weak and I believed him. The only time I didn't was when I was with my grandparents. My grandad loved my Gran with all his heart and I never knew what that was like until I met you. That's why I don't show you how I feel as much as I should, but fuck," he breathed out, "I hope to hell, you know how in love with you I am."
I sucked in a breath of air, unsure of where he was going with this.
"Vittoria," he breathed, "she is nothing compared to you. I used to sleep with her, Reillyn and yes, I needed to keep up appearances so that we didn't offend her or her brothers but I didn't have to take it that far. But I promise you, Reillyn," he paused and stressed, "I promise you, that I didn't let go of your hand because I saw her. I wouldn't choose a single person in the world over you," he took a deep breath in and ran his hand through his hair.
"When we got to the top of that staircase, that section of the club was filled with people who I knew had it out for me. People I beat in fights or people I helped Mikael cheat or manipulate or steal from. I let go of your hand and laid it on so thick with Vittoria because she is untouchable and replaceable. You-you are indispensable. I couldn't let people see that you were the one I cared about."
He released a breath of air and stroked his fingers through his soft locks again, "and that blonde girl, the night I fought with Noah, nothing happened with her. She was just around and then she got drunk and I was going to make sure she got home okay, that's all."
He contemplated his next words for a moment, "I've been raised by a drug dealer to fight in illegal fights, Reillyn. I've known my fair share of pain. But the most painful thing I've ever known; was standing in front of you and watching you cry, knowing that I was then one who put tears on your beautiful face. Knowing that you were hurting and that there was nothing I could do to help you."
His hands moved to rest on the back of his head, pushing it down, "Jesus, tigru, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for so many things. For too many things. All I want to do is take away your pain. All I wanna do is carry all that hurt for you, tigru, and if I could, I would."
My pillow was wet and when I raised my hand to touch my cheeks, I realised I was crying.
But then his voice broke and my heart completely shattered, "I love you so fucking much, tigru, and I don't know how to fix this, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."
The air was cool when I pushed the covers off me and the carpet was soft when my bare-feet sank into it. Step by step, I rounded the bed until I stood in front him, peering down at the back of his head. Overcome with love for this boy, I sank to my knees on the plush carpet, ignoring the harsh burn of my rough landing.
Carefully, I lifted my hands to clasp his wrists in my own and I pulled them away from his head, dropping them so I could see his gorgeous face.
But the sight shocked me.
When my eyes lifted to meet his, tears soaked the ocean blue colour.
When his head tilted so I could see his face, his cheeks were marred with tears.
When my hands raised to rest on his cheeks, my palms became wet.
Shuffling forward, I moved until I was encased between his strong thighs before I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me.
We moulded together just like we always had. Every part of one pouring into the other. His head buried deep into the crook of my neck and his arms came around me, tugging me closer, holding me tighter.
Then his body began to shake and his tears flowed freely as I held him tightly in my arms.
"The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for" - Bob Marley
Well. That was an emotional one! I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
â
Lots of Love XX
Please VOTE and comment! XX