There is this giddy excitement bubbling in my belly when Zach and I run to uni. He's decided that accompanying me is the right thing to do. In reality, he wants to scope out the situation properly and is probably just a teeny bit overprotective of me.
Although my excitement has been barely containable all morning, we still decide to take a quick detour for no other reason than to spend some time running in our wolf forms. This is another little ritual I miss. The two of us would go nowhere in any other way than in wolf form and I haven't really embraced that at all since moving here.
By the time we're dressed again and ready for my lecture, which I still wonder why he even bothers to attend, we're still a good 30 minutes early.
However, it just seems to be my luck that Raph is just as early.
I feel an immediate urge to hug him the moment our eyes meet. He takes a quick step towards me as if thinking the same, but both of us halt mid-movement as we realise where we are.
There won't be any touching of that sort in university, not now, not ever. My whole stance completely deflates at that thought.
I feel Zach patting my back reassuringly, then moving past me. He walks up to Raph and gives him a friendly man hug, cheekily winking at me while doing so. Then it clicks. Sometimes, that boy is a genius. Good thing he didn't listen to me and actually came here.
I try to walk at a normal speed when I go towards Raph and to my embarrassment, it's way too hard to do so. But when I actually grasp his hand in a completely cliche bro-handshake and pull him into a hug that hopefully looks more like man-hug than a real one, I feel slightly better.
I know we cling to each other too long when I hear Zach clear his throat.
There's no one around, but we let go anyway. No chances.
'Hi' I whisper.
'Good morning' he gives me the most honest smile I've ever seen on him and my heart immediately stops for a beat. I try to tell myself that this is normal, but it really isn't. My reaction to him and just about every movement he makes or word he says is too exaggerated to be normal.
We're both aware that we stand way too close, but neither of use dares to move. If I can't touch him, I at least want to feel him close to me.
'Well, you must be the rumoured mate, then!' Zach's booming voice immediately has me take a step back and look away from Raph's eyes. I don't know where to look now, so my eyes move about frantically.
'You are?' Sheila's confused voice sounds from behind me and I don't dare turn around. This is real now. The fear that she already knows is lodged deep in my belly, where just moments before I could still feel the immense excitement to see Raph.
Raph clears his throat and walks towards Sheila, probably to clear up the situation. When he passes me, his hand slightly touches mine and I hear a low whisper: 'It'll be alright'
I only fairly register the following conversation. I've got a smile on my face, but I doubt it's convincing. I know Zach is trying to salvage whatever of this moment is salvageable by telling Sheila how he kept me awake all night to exchange stores and how I'm tired because of it. I hear myself introducing Zach again, as Raph has already done that and I hear some snippets of conversation about a double date, which again throws me in the midst of confusion and fear.
Sheila eventually leaves, saying she only stopped by to say hi since her work starts later today.
By the time she's gone, the courtyard is filled with moody students and we're far from being alone.
'How pancaking obvious can you be?' Zach turns towards me with an expression I can't quite decipher. It's probably a cross between anger and concern.
'Leave him alone, it's okay.' Raph tries to defend me, while I just stare at them, not really mentally present right now.
'Not like you can say anything. You were just as bad.' Zach retorts immediately.
We walk into the building with both of them bickering, and somewhere along the line a faint sense of happiness of them getting along registers, but barely strong enough to be of any importance right now.
'Donny? Come here a second.'
Zach just waves as Raph drags me away from the corridor, hand on my shoulder to make it look as if he's angry with me.
We end up in the gym, which is always empty this time of the day and has no security cameras.
'Are you okay?' Is his first question as he sits me down on a bench by the wall.
'Not really.' I mumble, 'I don't know how this is gonna work. We were so obvious today. I was. We can't always get away with telling her we're tired or exhausted.'
I lean my head back onto the wall and sigh.
"We're gonna make it work. We have to.' Raph says strongly, grabs my hand and gives it a little squeeze. It feels good.
'Do we?' my voice is so small, I can barely hear myself, but he obviously registers what I'm saying immediately.
He gives up his spot next to me to kneel in front of me. His hands move to my face so I can't look away.
'I guess I'll have to give it to you straight then.' he says. In his eyes I can see how serious he is and it completely prevents me from even attempting to answer.
'This fucking scares me.' he begins, 'It happened so quickly. From one moment to the other, I'm attracted to you and that attraction only grows by the minute. I feel wronged for not having you as a mate because I love you.' My heart is threatening to beat out of my chest at this point. 'I love you and I shouldn't, but I do. There is no way for me to fall in love with someone that isn't my mate in such a short period of time, so I have decided to consider you my mate. You are my mate now, no matter what anyone else says. I'm not just going with the flow right now. I have thought about it. I know what the risks are and I hate myself for subjecting you to them. But I feel so much stronger about you than Sheila, I have a hard time even comprehending it. I love you so much more than I have ever even thought I could love her. I want to be by your side and I'm fucking scared of this, but I can't help it. I want you.'
His hands are now holding my neck and I have no doubt that he can feel how fast my heart is beating.
The ability to think has completely left me and the only thing I can do is stare. In this moment, something finally falls into place. That feeling that I am misunderstanding something. What he just said I can relate to. Yes, he feels so much more important than her.
So with my brain not working, there is only one thing that my mouth lets me say.
'I love you.'
By the time my lecture is over I am relieved to be able to go home. Even in a situation where I'm not with Raph, it feels like everyone should be able to tell what is happening by just looking at me. I feel like I must be broadcasting my relationship with Raph, if that is even what it is, to the whole world.
For the rest of the day Zach insists on helping me choose an outfit for the date. I remind him that apart from suffering because it's not technically a date with Raph but one with Sheila I won't be doing much, so I won't need a good outfit. He then reminds me that even if it technically is a date with Sheila, it'll still be dinner with Raph so I should at least look my best. So I decide to give up and just let him do whatever he thinks is right.
He shoos me out of my room and into my shower, while he is hips deep in my wardrobe.
I take my sweet time in the shower as I know what awaits me in my room will cause me pure frustration.
By the time I come back, the room doesn't actually look much different, but Zach sits in the middle of my bed and looks at a handful of clothes in deep thought.
When he notices me he starts explaining several thoughts that apparently go through his head when choosing an outfit.
I don't choose to listen to any of the problems involving colour combinations or easy access, but instead just lie on my front on my bed and drown in self pity and guilt.
'This is it.' Zach finally decides and hands me a few pieces of clothes. I throw them on with a sigh, noting the skinny jeans and turtleneck sleeveless shirt while I twirl in front of him on command.
'You know, you never dress up yourself, why do you force me to?' I ask, 'Also, where does this weird top come from?' I don't remember even buying or owning his piece of clothing, so I skeptically look at it in the mirror.
'Well first of all, there's no need to dress up usually. But when you go on a date, there's every need. Second, I bought it for you. You've got serious bulk going on sometimes and this actually makes you look just a bit slender and accentuates that fact that you're more on the lean side. It suits you.' he grins proudly, 'also I got it for you because apparently I can smell you finding hot men to love in all the ways.'
I only groan, not even bothering to hide my annoyance.
He does have a point though. The top really does accentuate the fact that in reality, I really am more lean that bulky.
Zach actually manages to make me just a bit excited about tonight. I won't really be able to go on a date with Raph ever, so this is probably as close as I can get.
Sheila forces Raph and me to sit in the back again. She knows we get along better now, but she still insists on us getting some, what she calls, quality time.
I almost chuckle at her choice of words, but the fact that she only means well and we are taking advantage of that completely lodges that chuckle into my throat.
On the way there, Raph and I sneakily hold hands where Sheila won't be able to see it through her rearview mirror.