This night has me lying awake. My mind tumbles from thought to thought, trying to make sense of all the images it conjures up itself. I try to come up with a good way to approach Raph about being honest about our relationship, but my mind can't seem to keep on track with anything, jumping from one thought to another without so much as a red thread.
Raph's head is lying on my shoulder, with his left arm loosely on my stomach and his left foot intertwined with my own. My hand has been absentmindedly sifting through his hair, using it as a way to calm myself down. I know Raph is one of those people that sleep quite deeply, but wake up at the slightest disturbance anyway, so I try to keep the movement a regular pace.
A few hours after Raph falls asleep though, I get fidgety and feel the need to leave the room. It takes me entirely too long to disentangle myself from my sleeping partner without waking him up, and even longer to just stand there and look at him as he readjusts himself in the now empty bed and snuggles up to the pillow I had just had my head on.
I sit down right outside the room, next to the door. My head is resting on my pulled up knees and I just try to figure out what to do. I know I've definitely made up my mind about not being a secret anymore, i just wish I had Raph's support as well.
Suddenly, I remember sitting outside a door with Raph on the other side once before. The day after we kissed for the first time I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand the feelings I had and that made me stay outside that door for too long. In all honestly, I still don't really understand where these feelings come from and how to deal with them, but I now know that the important part is that they're there and that they want to be answered. Immediately, I regret sitting out here. I've got someone in there who is willing to change himself for me and that is worth so much more that my fears.
I get up with the intention of waking him up if need be to have that talk right now. I know it's partly not because of what is right to do, but because I simply want to be able to walk the street and show people that we belong together, I want to be proud together.
But right before I get to open the door, I hear a small whimper. Unsure of whether it was in the house or maybe a small animal outside, I still and listen. After a few seconds I hear it again and it seems to come from one of the guest rooms on the floor.
For a moment, I contemplate waking Raph up, but I decide against it. I am the one who is hearing this, so I will deal with it. I try to not make any noise as I approach the room opposite of mine. I can still hear the whimpering, but it turned into a quiet subbing noise and some hick ups. I slowly push down the handle and open the door to one our guest bedrooms. It really isn't anything special. The room seems a bit empty and just slightly impersonal, but it does have quite a big bed. On it, Sam's little body is curled into a tight ball, half covered by a thin blanket and shivering as if it was cold. He doesn't look at me and I wonder whether he's even noticed me enter the room.
As I stand over the bed, I can see his little fists grabbing the blanket to a point where it looks like it might tear any seconds. I desperately want to touch my own hand to his to calm him down, but I know he might not be comfortable with strangers touching him, so I sit down on the floor by the bed and rest my head and arms on it.
'Samuel?' I call out as quietly as I can, as to not startle him. Immediately, his eyes shoot open and he scoots away from me, a pained noise leaving his throat.
His breathing is very laboured and it takes me a second to associate it with the storm that is raging outside. When we can hear the thunder, flinches and curled even further into him self. He might even be crying, I can't even tell right now.
'Do you want to come closer? I promise I won't hurt you.'
I'm not sure which part of what I say makes him actually move towards me, but I suspect it's the little stab to his pride when I assume that he thinks I might do something to him. He stops right in front of me, close enough to physically feel that someone's there, but not touching me at all. I content myself with that and just sit with him.
We stay like that for a long while. Sam isn't as scared but me being here doesn't help the way I want it to at all, he's still shaking like a leaf and uttering the random whimper. I don't really have any concept of time anymore, but it's been a long time since I came as my legs have completely lost any feelings from sitting down.
'Are you Raph's mate?'
It's so quiet and out of the blue I almost miss it, but I do hear him. His tone is very serious and calm, which I wouldn't have expected considering the situation. It seems he's been contemplating this in his mind and if that helps distract him, that's fine with me.
The only problem is that I don't know how to respond. From his question it's now clear that Raph hasn't spoken to him about this at all.
'What do you know about mates, Samuel?' I ask instead.
He's quiet for a long time again and still doesn't look at me, but for some reason I don't get impatient. I feel like our conversations will always go a little like this, not a lot of words and long pauses in between.
'Raph always tells me your mate is the most important and you'll love them always.' My heart warms at his words, thinking about a Raph I've only seen glimpses of. Sam's next words bring back all the insecurity, however.
'He said Sheila is his mate.'
He's quiet again and I'm not sure whether he expects a response from me. Either way, I wouldn't know what to say. There's nothing to say really. Sheila is his mate. She is also mine. And we are betraying her. How can I say that to Sam, who is idolising Raph so much?
'But you're the most important to Raph and Raph loves you, so you must be his mate, right?'
This is when my heart stops. I want to cry. This little boy, who has barely even seen me twice in his life, has just declared me his brother's mate.
I try to hold back the sob that threatens to make itself heard and hope he doesn't see the tears on my face, but I respond this time.
'I've always been told that mates are the most important too. That there will never be another option but your mate. That I will want to be with them above anyone and anything else. Now, Raph is more important. And I don't know whether it's because he's really my mate or because mates aren't final after all. Just know that that doesn't matter, because I love your brother and I will stay with me for however long he wants me to.'
I don't want to lie to the child, but I don't know how else to say it, so I simply leave it at that.
He only hums and I close my eyes, wondering if it was the right thing to do to burden a seven year old with so much truth.
It's not even half a minute later when I feel a soft touch to my cheeks and I know he has seen the tears anyway.
He seems to half calmed down now, probably forgetting about the storm with all that is going on in his head. I understand the feeling, as my mind is doing the same.
I don't feel myself falling asleep, but it's a little hand holding my own that wakes me up again. I can't have been sleeping for too long, because it's still dark and, while the thunder has let up, it's still raining heavily outside.
Sam's hand is nestled in my own, his fingers holding on to my own for dear life. He's not asleep though. His eyes are focused on our hands and I wonder what is going through his mind.
'Sam.' he finally says, 'Call me Sam.'
This little boy has the ability to make my heart beat faster and stop with just he words he says, but make me feel so insecure about my place in his own heart at the same time. That is why I hesitate for a second before I answer with what I know to be true.
'Only family, right?'
He nods, only once.
'Only family.'
His hand never leaves my own as he falls asleep and I feel so much love for him in this moment alone that I don't know where to go with it. It overwhelms me in a way that I've never felt before and I wonder, not for the first time, what it would be like if Raph I could be honest.
Would I be able to build on this tiny sprouting relationship I have with Sam without feeling the need to explain myself? Could I be this important person to him that I want to be without people questioning it.
I feel as if I now belong with this boy and I want to go down that path to knowing him and to him knowing me.
Although I've never had siblings, I've thought of Zach like one. But Zach is my age and Zach doesn't need me in the same way Sam needs Raph.
I want to be to Sam what Raph is to him already and I wonder whether his possessiveness will be a good thing. I feel like I am already too deeply involved to take a step back now. I want not only Raph, but also Sam now.
I pull myself up slightly on the bed and kiss Sam's hand that is still holding my own. Then I put my head back on the bed and close my eyes.
I fall asleep surprisingly easy, repeating Sam's words in my head for reassurance.
'Only family.'