I don't know how to react. This is the first time she's been so close to me since I left and I want to run to her and hug her to me, but I'm also ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself for being so weak after what happened that I never even went to see her. I know the truth. Raph was simply an excuse. I kept saying that I had to look after him, that he needed me, but in reality, I needed him. I didn't know how to face anyone, I still don't, and I didn't want to face a reality that I created but wish no one would have to live in.
My mother's face is unmoving and for the first time in my life, I can't read it. She almost seems like a stranger and I wonder whether I did that. Whether she is yet another victim to the chaos I created. There's a deadly silence in the room, much more prominent even than before, when it was just Raph and I. Surprisingly, it's Raph that breaks it. The shuffling of his clothes as he stands is the only sound in the small space. There's a split second of instinctual pain through my body as he separates himself from me completely for the first time since then, quickly followed by a wave of grief as I see him hug my mother to him, seeking comfort.
He looks like a child, a lost child that has nothing left, clinging to his mother in hopes of her fixing it. I watch as my mother's arms snake around his body, one holding his head to her shoulder, even though she is so much smaller than him. There is a small, sad smile on her face as she looks down at him. Her hand moves in circles on his back, a calming gesture, while Raph is simply quiet and unmoving now.
I sit there, in the corner, watching the scene unfold before me and I wonder, for the hundredth time how I could let this happen. My eyes slowly trace their silhouette and not for the first time do I realise how much I love them. While I was using Raph as an excuse, I talked myself into believing that he was my only responsibility. I was wrong. This woman had given her life to me, raised me and made me into what I am today. I owe her everything. And yet I failed her. I failed her in so many ways and there is little I can do to make up for it.
And even still she is here now. She is here, somehow putting everything into perspective without even muttering a single word or doing anything. She is here, providing a form of comfort to my mate in a way that I couldn't. She is here, making me better by breaking me down without even trying. The tears I'm not even trying to hold back roll down my cheek and freely drip onto my outstretched legs. My shoulders fall in defeat and my neck gives out, making my head fall back onto he wall, my tears now changing their path to drip onto my shaking shoulders. My nose is running and I can feel ugly noises leaving my throat in an effort to give an outlet to all the pain and grief. Through the film of water over my eyes I stare at the ceiling, knowing I wouldn't be able to cope if I look at her, even if I so badly want to.
I wrap my shaking hands around my midsection and slowly gather my legs closer to my body to hide my complete vulnerability. It doesn't work. I feel weak and ashamed.
At my movement, I can feel my mother's eyes on me and there's no point resisting. My eyes slowly lower to her with my head still tilting back and at an angle. I expect anger, disappointment, regret, anything, but instead she smiles at me with two fingers at Raph's back gesturing for me. I don't even think. I scramble to my feet, my legs almost buckling underneath me and even on the short distance of a few feet between us I almost trip, but when I make it to her a wave of relief hits me. The hand that was on the back of Raph's head moves to pull me into the two of them and soon I feel my mother's arms around me. I'm halfway hugging Raph as well in a desperate need to be closer, but he barely moves or reacts. The only indication that he even realises what's happening is his one hand loosely holding on to the side of my trousers.
My head is buried on my mother's free shoulder and I cry into her like a child. Sobs and hiccups accompany my tears, but neither her nor Raph say anything. She simply rubs circles onto my back as she did with Raph and we stand there. We stand there as if it's the only place to be in the world. My mother's calm eventually transfers to me and after who knows how long she finally lets us go to step back. I can see Raph's hand holding on to her sleeve, even though she barely took half a step away. Her other hand lands on my cheek and she looks at me for a while. I can't tell what she's thinking, but I'm still too much in a daze to comprehend anything. Finally, she moves on to Raph. Both her hands hold his face as she leans up to kiss his forehead and I can see a single tear escape his eye.
Once she lets go, she sinks down to the floor with crossed legs and pats the space in front of her.
'Come, sit.'
Both of us immediately sit down, as if on command. She takes one of our hands each in her own and slowly starts rubbing them with her thumbs.
'There is so much strength in both of you. You should be glad you have each other.'
Her voice is clear and soothing and lulls me in like a lullaby.
Her brows slightly pull together over her nose and she takes a deep breath before continuing.
'This won't ever go away. It will always stay with you, but that is a good thing. You should never forget your own life, or that of others that touched yours. Show them respect by remembering them and stand by what was. You have each other, you will always be able to stand up again.'
Her words are like a balm over my wounds. They sting a little and are too cold, but they sooth the previous pain a tiny bit.
We sit there for a while and I simply stare at the floor, immersed in the feeling of my mother's hand on mine and my own whirlwind of emotions. No one shifts or moves or says anything, but I can feel the earlier tension give way to a comforting feeling.
Eventually, my mother interrupts the silence once again.
'Once you're ready, you should prepare a ceremony. Don't let it wander.'
With these words she slowly lets go of our hands and stands up from the floor and looks at us. Suddenly a smile booms on her face, as beautiful as any I've seen from her and then her hands stretch out and she musses up our hair like you would to a pup. A loud laugh bellows from her lips and she turns to the door. Just before she sets foot outside, she says: 'And when you feel strong enough, Sam is waiting for you.' and with that the door closes behind her again.
Silence stretches back through the room.
When I look up, Raph is already looking at me. His eyes are wide and he looks ... alive. A warmth is blooming in my heart at the sight. He still looks in pain and like a man suffering, but there is spark in his eyes again that I haven't seen in a while. He's fighting.
I'm not sure if it's what my mother said or the mention of Sam specifically but it gives me hope.
I slowly shift towards him and reach my hands out to hug him to me. Immediately his hands are around my torso also and I'm pressed to him. It feels different now, I can feel his heartbeat slightly elevated and my own following suit. We sway side to side as well often do these days, a manmade rhythm to keep us in line and to help centre us.
I wanna see him. I'm not prepared for him to talk, so I jump slightly. I quickly compose myself before answering.
Now? It's a difficult question. I don't want to pressure him at all, but it's the first time he's been so forward.
Yes. But I don't think I can yet. There's nothing for me to add and so I simply stay quiet, getting lost in the rocking motion.
I don't think you can either. He finally adds. It momentary stops our movement because I freeze, but I resume it quickly. This is also the first time he's acknowledged my own issues. Before he would only give me short answers and only if I would say something to him. For him to point out how badly I'm doing means he was much more aware than I thought.
I'm not the only one that hasn't been talking. Again, I mentally shut down for a split second. And then I realise he's right. I kept going on about Raph not having said a singly word since, but I never even realised that I didn't either. I close my eyes to try and hold back yet more tears. I knew I wasn't doing well, but I never realised the scope of it at all.
You're right. I'm a mess. I give in.
A beautiful one. He attempts a joke and a short chuckle echoes in my head. I can't help but let a small smile slip in happiness. He's doing much better than I ever gave him credit for and I'm starting to feel like the issue is really me.
He's the strong one again. I always felt like he was the more emotionally stable one in this relationship and again he is proving me right. While I wallow in self pity and blame my uselessness on him, he is trying. He really is trying, in his own way.
I pull him closer to me again, as close as physically possible as I relish in his presence. He is my rock, even while he is broken and bruised himself.
I won't ever leave you. You know that, right? I ask, making sure he knows. I want to reassure him. What happened will never happen again. We will never again lose anyone.
Likewise. I'll always be there. He immediately answers.
He shifts slightly so that our foreheads are touching and our eyes connected. Without breaking eye contact, he shifts forward so our lips just barely touch. Both of us relish in that moment for a while before he pushes against me a bit more. Our lips press together now and it almost makes me cry again by how much this is helping me. But then he shifts his lips to my shoulder and firmly kisses me there, right where his mark is, as if to remind me of our bond.