You remember how I said my consciousness would sometimes get replaced by dumb Alexa?
Believe it or not, she's not just a pathetic attempt at self-deprecating humor. She's real. You have her too. She's the inner part of your brain called the Limbic System. The lizard brain.
IÂ hate her. Because she's everything a modern civilized human should know how to control. However, she does take over sometimes, involuntarily and at the worst moments.
Don't get me wrong, if I find myself in the woods, facing a bear, she would react and Usain Bolt for her life like I never would imagine possible. That I applaud.
But simultaneously, how many times have you hit the snooze button on your alarm? How many times have you procrastinated? How many times have you binged at night? That's her too!
Sneaky bitch seeks instant gratification. She wants you to survive, thrive and fornicate, but she kind of really sucks at picking how those things should be done.
Every weakness moment I've had against Alexander, that was her being like "We want him to approve of us!" and thus, I let him get away with doing the same things that would make me want to slit Markus's throat.
Shallowness!
I used to have control over her but now she's out on the loose.
Welcome to teenage years!
Once back ashore, I found a car waiting for me. Alexander stayed in the yacht for some reason and I hoped it'd hit an iceberg and titanic in the middle of the ocean.
The driver stopped at his house so I could grab Simba, change into the sweatpants and white shirt I wore that morning since they threw my clothes out. I wasn't going back to Aunt Marie's in that skimpy dress.
The god forsaken horrendous dress that caused all this.
Look, I have traded through some mighty thin ice that night but thankfully, smart Alexa made a little guest appearance and saved me. I caught myself last minute by the thin hairs on my ass and am now getting back up. I'll be honest, it's not graceful at all, it's like Bambi learning how to walk for the first time but instead of the cute animated deer, it's a greasy wet shaven lama.
If you don't hate dumb Alexa yet, if you already know about that stupid lizard brain and think it's fine, it's nature, it's how we are wired to behave as humans, let me add one little detail: she's responsible for anxiety too.
Insecurities? That's her!
Addictive behavior? Let me put it this way, if Alexander were to turn into the "Forbidden fruit", it would make dumb Alexa CRAVE him.
So there you go.
It's fine! We can handle her like the smart strategists that we know we can be!
We can't cut him off our life or put police tape around him like he's a no-cross crime scene. Have you ever tried forgetting an ex by blocking his number and burning his belongings while you still liked him?
How well does that work, huh?...Didn't think so.
I don't want him off my life, I just want him powerless over my emotions. Serving no threat. That's a realistic enough goal.
How do we do that?
Baby steps.
We need to slowly teach ourselves to be numb to his existence. He needs to blend in the high school crowd with all the other faceless people I don't care about. We need to care a lot about his flaws because right now, he seems almost perfect to me and any negative aspects about him get blurred out immediately.
He has no apparent flaw in my head, aside maybe the fact that he's overly open about expressing his sexual desires. But that's a good thing, isn't it? He's open and honest and healthy. We encourage people to take the stigma off of sex in this 21st century and now I whine when I meet someone who does it? Plus he's a dude and..god damn it! See? I'm defending him! I can't help myself!
I have a stupid crush on the guy!
He has flaws that I will find and focus on ! He has a lame side. An unappealing one. A repulsive one. A gross one. An unattractive one. He has to!
HE'S HUMAN, ISN'T HE?
I'd love to tell you I went to bed and woke up indifferent to him the next day, but that'd be too easy.
I stayed up in bed until about 3am. Tossing and turning like a Turkish kebab stand. Just going over the events. How he held me. How he looked at me. How his voice sounded against my ear. How his arms felt on my body. How he smelled. How he looked in his suit. His hair. The two open shirt buttons exposing his neck. His earring. What I'd give to run my fingers in his hair. Down his biceps then his forearms. Bite down on his lower lip. IT SUCKS! I didn't want for these memories to linger but they did. You know why? Because even remembering those pleasant events made me feel ecstatic.
Alexander was filling my brain like venom. I have never been so aware of the fact that I was a weak, prepubescent, hormonal female fetus!
What hurts is the "what ifs"
What if he cares? Will we have something? Is there even something now? Besides sarcastic digs and name calling. How can I evaluate the situation? Smart me is nowhere to be found. My judgment is clouded by desire and crave.
But then I also think about the girls he knows and I'm so far behind them on everything. Getting ahead is practically impossible, and the effort will definitely cost me time that I should invest in studying. Is it worth it?
No, it's not!
I have never compared myself to any of the girls in that school. I found it useless. I was completely fine with being behind on looks, status, money, I had nothing to prove to anyone, I was there for education purposes only...until now!
I wish the inner side of my brain would fucking choke and get dementia.
Now I over think everything.
Still, whenever I close my eyes. I can hear his voice in my ear. Whispering my name...
"Alexa..."
Low and husky..
"Alexa !"
So vivid and yet so dreamy..
"ALEXA!" The door to my room was open and the nurse's head was peaking in, looking at me confused, "Are you listening?"
"Sorry, what was that?" I blinked and got up from my desk a little embarrassed.
Damn, I was completely out of this word for a moment.
"I'm leaving right now! If anything happens, call the center! I left the number on the fridge!"
"Don't worry, I've done this before.." I reassure.
And so I did. For the remaining of the week.
Aunt Marie, Simba walks, trying to study, and the wheels go round and round. For four consecutive days.
I say "trying" to study. Because between the choice of wondering what Alexander is doing right now and studying. My choice was involuntarily made.
On my last day in Greendale. I was dreading going back to Melrose but also thrilled. It's like when you understand the lesson and now are heading for the exercise section to test yourself.
I had a week to get all the theories down on how I was going to get over him. Now comes the fun part: Let's apply them in real life and see how it goes.
I've never been so excited to kill love before!
I was ready. I had my bag and my resolve; I hugged Simba, kissed Aunt Mary and was now heading for Mister Wilson's truck. He insisted I don't take the bus.
As I got in, I noticed he seemed distant. Like he wanted to say something but was holding it in.
I was definitely acting different than the first day I got here. I was less energetic. My head was in the clouds a lot and I would lose focus easily. Mister Wilson had dinner with us multiple times but he never said anything. I'm pretty sure with how sharp he is, he noticed.
Was he waiting for me to confide in him?
I wanted to but I didn't. For some reason, I don't want to hear what other people have to say about my situation with Alexander. I'm good! I don't need an outsider input. I've got this.
Maybe I'm just stubborn.
"god, I'm going to miss this. It feels like the end of a vacation", I stared outside the car window as the trees and fields passed by us. The sky was a beautiful gradient blue fading to orange. I would be in Melrose by 11pm.
"well, feel free to visit again. Just make sure you call so I can pick you up from the station next time. It ain't safe for a young lady to take those night buses alone!", he reprimanded and I shrugged.
I'm so used to public transportations by now, they feel like home.
"I'm a big girl", I smiled at him.
"a big girl needs protection too!," he kept his eyes on the road and I turned my head towards the windows, almost choking on tears when he said that.
"A hole with nobody to guard it, no dad, no brother, no parents, no family.." these are the thoughts that ran through my head when Alexander asked to buy me.
My own words hurt me and I felt bad. Here I am, having a good friend telling me to call him next time I need a ride from the station because he was scared and protective of me taking the bus alone.
Am I underprivileged and unloved or do I chose to be?
If my own parents abandoned me, why should I deserve an outsider's shelter? I don't...
I kept quiet for fear of my voice breaking. God it sucked to be an emotional mess but this was the reality of the situation.
I felt weak and vulnerable.
"so how you doing at yo' new school?", he asked and I breathed in. I was going to just say "good" like I always do when mom asks but I stopped and actually thought for a minute about this question.
How am I doing? I thought about Emily and Victoria and the realization came to me.
"Everybody hates the uniform, but I am grateful for it because it fools people into thinking I actually belong there...", I barely admit to my knees, my finger tips tightening over my jeans, "no matter what I do, fitting in is just so far out of my reach..", I complained.
The girls in there. They're on a different level.
I wasn't born rich like the rest of them. I feel insecure about everything. My life. My household. My mom's occupation. My missing dad. My neighborhood. My physic. My closet. I can't even fully enjoy being in love with someone, no matter how awful he is. Even If I become wealthy, it will be years from now. High school is always going to be me, looking at how much better other teen's lives are. Just...watching...
It's soul torture.
Victoria talks about brunch and shopping road trips, week-end getaways in her dad's mountain chalet. My week-end getaway consists of a trip to Walmart and maybe a peppermint chocolate chip milkshake at Chick-fil-a.
He took a deep breath, eyes on the road, head slightly tilted.
"back in 1975, back when I was 15, ma family moved to this small town in South Carolina named Mayberry", he then stopped talking and let out a laugh like a funny memory came to him, "My first day o' school, took a look around and said to maself, "damn, this a white ass school!" " he laughed and I frowned, not really getting the point, "I was the only colored boy in miles", after he said that, he looked at me with a big smile, like inventing me to laugh at it with him but I just blinked.
Being the only brown teen in a white Southern school, back in 1975? I had an idea of how bad it could have been but I kept quiet.
Those were shaky times for the African American community.
"Lawdy, those were real hard times, those white folks and their kids?... they just weren't acceptin'a'me. Some had a strike outside o school one day.." he kept talking and I was listening in carefully, "one'o'them had sign saying "Stop integration" and another was next to him yelling "I will not go to school with a negro", some real hard times.."
I choked. Woah! WOAH!
Just...Woah!
You read about it, you make an essay about it. You get an A on it. And you think you know it all, and you always wonder how it could have been in real life. I've read "The help", one of my favorite books ever. It made me despise and admire human kind at the same time. Which was such a paradoxal feeling for me, how can you loathe certain traits like ignorance and supermacisme but love others like courage, mental strength, bravery, fearlessness, compassion, and the ability to resist the enforcement of inequality under the name of the law and thrive and earn freedom.
Had I been Rosa Parks, I would probably have moved to the rear of the bus. That's how weak willed I am. Maybe that's why I'm not Rosa Parks and will never even remotely amount to anything.
"I'm so sorry for whining.." I voiced, wanting to ask him more about those times but not sure how wiling he would be to answer. Also feeling bad about annoying him with my stupid, superficial insecurities.
Alexa, count your blessings and curb your privilege, you whiney millennial lizard brained brat.
"you know, I never even thought about fitting in with those white folks. I was a different damn race.." he continued, "just watching how they lived though was soul torture, but I didn't let it stop me, I reminded myself, I was the first in ma family to even make it to high school. Made ma mama real proud. I graduated. Went to college. Had a carrier. I ain't gon Let nobody tell me how to live my life..." he smiled at me then made a turn to enter the train station's parking lot, "School ain't gon last forever and besides..." He turned his blinker on and looked my direction, "...you got in that school cause you showed your potential, not you daddy's money!" he reminded me and I widened my eyes.
Oh my god, I'm a scholarship student. Lately, I've been looking at it like it was degrading and insulting. It's not. I forgot. The happiness and pride I first felt when I received Eastwell's acceptance letter. It meant the board had an entire meeting discussing me, my academic performance and what I could bring to the school, and then said "We want her!"
" You're a intelligent, independent, hardworking girl with a kind heart and a gentle soul. There ain't nothing wrong witchu, you don't let nobody tell you otherwise or treat you like you inferior"
I read on a book that I needed to say those exact words to myself as affirmation. Because even if I didn't believe them, my subconscious would register them. To be honest, every time I said them, I would remember how much I don't believe them so I just became numb to it. They were like a bunch of gibberish words for a magic spell that did nothing.
But hearing them from Mister Wilson. It was like he casted a wholesome glittery, sparkly cloud of confidence over me. Because I felt so warm inside my chest. My eyes welled up and I wanted to let out a crying breath but I just bit my bottom lip and turned towards the window. Feeling my face distort into a silent sob. It's like it had just dawned on me that I could take on anything.
Jesus! I'm crying so much lately!
Mister Wilson came to a stop right at the entrance of the station after a few moments.
"You don't chose where you come from, but you can chose where you go from there!" he looked at me undoing his seatbelt, "and I know damn well you gon go real far, cause I recognize a champ when I see one !", he slightly tapped my chin with his fist and I nodded with my red, teary eyes.
He seemed like he knew exactly why I was crying.
We got out of the car and I got my bag out. I would have loved to stay in longer and talk to him but my train was coming in about five minutes. I gave him the tightest hug.
"Thank you for everything!", my voice was muffled in his brown winter jacket and he patted my hair.
Thank you for not asking why my head was in the clouds. Thank you for never addressing anything in front of Aunt Marie. Thank you for always thinking the world of me and letting me know about it. thank you for genuinely believing I'm a good human and that I will have a bright future.
"you take care now!" he kissed the top of my head and I breathed out, almost cried letting go of him.
I wish he was my dad.
I grabbed my bag in my hand and smiled at him walking back.
"Don't be a stranger!", he waved his hand at me and then he was gone.
11PM ticked in. I wrestled with my bag and got out of the train. I was sleepy. I just wanted to get in mom's car and nap for the 20 minutes ride home. However, once outside on the parking lot, I noticed a familiar pick up truck and a distinct twinge poked at my heart.
No!
NO ! Everything but not this !
"Took you long enough..." He hissed and I froze.
Leaning against the truck door was a familiar trailer trash douchlord, wearing army pants and a grey shirt with a sleeveless denim jacket, a cigarette in his hand and an everlasting stupid looking face.
Markus.
"get in the damn truck, I ain't got all day.." he got in the driver seat and I breathed in.
Where the hell is mom? Why'd she send this asshole. I'd rather take the night bus!
Reluctantly, I made my way to the car and opened the door. Let's just suck it up. The gross smell of his car nauseated me. He kept exhaling puffs of smoke through the whole ride I had to keep my window down despite the freezing air hitting my face but I'd rather get pneumonia than breath the same air as him. My eardrums were bleeding from the banging punk music coming out of his car speakers.
I was exhausted. Let's just hope he keeps quiet, doesn't park in a secluded area to molest me or decides to open a beer can and drunk drive.
Mom was expecting me home soon so he restrained from doing anything thank god. Once I got home, she gave me a tight hug and I quickly made my way to my room.
Let's just say I didn't miss this tense situation. I hate that he's back. Greendale really was a vacation. Wasn't it?
Next morning, I woke up with a zit in the middle of my chin and it was the end of the world.
Why is that relevant? I'll tell you why!
School starts in two days. I have to see Alexander.
IN TWO DAYS!
Something was telling me that zit was going to still be there when I meet him.
Imagine being all high and mighty on my horse, telling him to go fuck himself and that he could never afford me, then showing up the next week with a clear, giant, red, gross, swollen knob on my face that says "You're not missing much buddy!"
NO ! NEVER !
Wait..Damn it! What am I saying?..
I shouldn't care! I don't!
Oh, who am I kidding, of course I do! It's making me insecure already.
I washed my face and got out of the bathroom, dragging my feet on the floor like a sad, depressed zombie! My mom greeted me and asked if I wanted to go Black Friday shopping with her tomorrow and you bet your ass I said yes!
This was perfect!
I needed shit! A lot of it! And there's no better time than right now, I'm vulnerable and insecure and this is my chance to cannonball into industrialism.
I have relatively clear skin so this is definitely menstrual acne. I needed pads and acne cream and whatever would make me feel better about myself.
The freaking mall was insane. People sink back into their prehistoric mental state as soon as a "sale" sign gets hung. But who am I to talk? I'm here right along with them, aren't I?
Once at Target, mom grabbed a cart. She asked me to go get whatever I needed and look for her again at the cash registers in 20 minutes.
I can't say I enjoyed the crowds. Or walking through the crazy discounted items that needlessly called out to me. The signs were red. Bold letters. Exclamation marks, "BLACK FRIDAY SALE! -80% off, BUY THIS!".
People were buying TVs. People's carts were full and exploding. People were rushing everywhere. A really weird feeling made it's way into my stomach.
Like I was missing out a lot on this moment! And I hated that...
Had I had the money, would I be like them?
I needed to go get my acne cream, pads and face cleansing lotion and get the hell out. Quick!
I made my way through the aisles. They were already putting up Charismas decorations, I remembered that Christmas was coming up and I cringed.
You'll know why later..
I don't wear makeup. I don't own makeup! When I have to attend a family wedding, my mom lets me use her lipsticks and that's all I'd know how to put on. And I'm not saying I'm this gorgeous natural beauty that don't need nothing but I just never had an interest in makeup!
Until now...
Once I made my way into the cosmetics isle. It's like ever female fiber in my body started vibrating with delight.
Buy this concealer, it'll hide that zit! You need it! It's discounted! It'll make you look better! You want to look better!
So I grabbed it..
You need shampoo that'll make you hair shiny and grow faster too! This cream makes your skin lighter! You need big soft luscious lips like the ones on this lip scrub! You need longer flirtier looking lashes! This nail polish is 50cents. What's 50 cents? It's nothing! Look at all the colors! This makeup brush is one dollar and so is this lipstick! Come on! This tinted moisturizer will make your skin glow! This entire isle should belong in your bathroom cabinet, Alexa!
Take the entire aisle! Go broke! Use your whole monthly allowance on this one moment.
Before I knew it, I had a bunch of cosmetic products in my hands that I convinced myself were "Essentials". But are they? Are they really? I was fine without them for 17 years! That is one big fat contradiction..
Why did I need them now?...
What the hell? I came here for face wash, pads and acne cream. Those were my initial essentials. I used to despise consumerism, now look at me. Where are my values?
Did I throw them out for a boy?...
This is dumb!
"Ain't nothing wrong with you" mister Wilson said to me. And mister Wilson would never lie to me!
I shoved everything in my hands back in one shelf, only keeping my original items. Dumb Alexa kicked me in the ovaries and I hissed at her.
Fuck you !
Before I walked out of that psychological hellhole, I took a look at the women around me. There were some pretty girls in there picking and choosing.
...Am I wrong? Am I oblivious and this is the magic way to enter the pretty girls club?
I know I don't need it, but what if I do? This is all discounted anyway! And dumb Alexa was clawing at my hair!
I finally grabbed a mascara with a huge discount and headed for the register. It's only one item vs. the 20 I was going to get. Small improvement I guess.
I did it to walk away with the feeling of having made a good deal. But was I saving 26$ or was I losing 5$ ?
I honestly don't know at this point...
Two days later. I made my sad way to school. Zit on chin fully on display. I'm not covering it up. We're going balls deep into this insecurity bullshit! I don't exactly know what I'm doing but I hope it works.
If I walk around without covering it, I'll win over myself. Right? I don't care if Alexander sees it...
Actually, I care so much it's making me dizzy. But I can't succumb to it!
What if he makes fun of it? I know he'll see it, he notices anything and everything.
Come on! Stay true to yourself.
I was standing at my lab table. Tapping my four fingers furiously on it. Looking at the frog we were potentially going to dissect.
Suddenly, Emily walked in and waved at me and an idea popped in my head. Maybe I have time to borrow concealer from her and go smear it on my face in the bathroom?
Do I go? Now!! Come on make your decision, Emily's right there! It's takes two minutes! Students are coming in ! Mister Henderson's not here yet! The bell's going to ring again! Alexander's going to walk in any minute!
Do I go ? Now? Why did I leave the house like this! I'm an idiot! I regret everything!! Come on, you're wasting time over thinking this, just go up to her and ask!
Conquering my insecurities? Screw that! I see no positive sides to looking ugly in front of the guy you like. That's actually awful!
Alexander walked in suddenly and anxiety came down crashing on me. My heart tightened. Cole Brown was with him.
Both of them?
Abort mission! I'm not ready! I regret this so much! I look stupid. I have a giant red stop sign on my chin. That's all you can see. It got worse in the following days too!
River went to greet them. He fist bumped each of them and they started talking. Alexander took off his backpack and held it in his hand then I heard River say "so you cancelled all of them?.." and I sank!
Alexander glanced my way then said something and I started literally trembling.
Come on, deep breath! Alexander was now coming my way and I had the entire week to prepare for how I was going to deal with it. I'm going to be professional and neutral. I'm not going to act angry, petty or bitter. I'm an adult, and I'm treating him like a capricious toddler that should not get to me or be indulged.
He suddenly put both his elbows on the table and leaned in so close to my face, I'm sure he spotted the zit but he just looked at me in the eyes.
"Still my partner I see?" he smiled and I pushed him off my face.
"Don't pretend I had a choice in this matter and unless you want to take the frog's place, I suggest you get off my table.." I spit out.
I was so happy to see him I hated myself! That stupid zit was all I could think of!
He looked like he was excited to see me again regardless and my response amused him.
"How I missed your charming expressions of love...", he got his arms off the table on his own and I shrugged.
"You'd know about those wouldn't you?.." I sarcastically asked and he bit his lower lip and said nothing.
That's right! Shut up!
Mister Henderson walked in and went straight to his desk, Alexander turned towards me suddently after a few silent moments.
"I think I owe you an apology..." He started.
"Save it!" I cut him off and he raised his eyebrows in surprise.
Did he think I was waiting for his pity and regret? Hell no!
I'm not going to give him the chance to feel better about himself or make him think I care. He can live with what he did forever.
"You're a spoiled sociopath with no concept of proper human interaction, your kindness was appreciated that one time but your apologies are not welcome..."
What? That wasn't petty! I was stating the facts and acting coy! Was that bad of me?
Doesn't everybody deserve a second chance?
What am I doing to him, I feel like a twat!
I'm being mean because I have a huge crush on him, that's so stupid.
His silence was killing me so I just blinked. Come on, throw him a bone!
"But thanks for offering..." I pursed my lips and he breathed out before looking away.
"Alright everyone" mister Henderson spoke, "I hope you enjoyed your break, you had 10 days to ignore your educational responsibilities but now we're back in business, I expect perfect, inhuman scores, you, however, should not expect me to be nice!"
"pft, when were you ever?" I said to him under my breath and Alexander's eyes turned my way.
"How was the rest of your break?" he softly spoke over Mister Henderson and I looked up at him, wondering why he was making small talk suddenly, "spent it despising me?" he added with a conniving smirk and I smiled coldly, gripping my paper hard.
This asshole!
"You occupy about the same space in my mind as the mosquito that keeps me up at night..." I spit out and his smile got bigger.
"So I keep you up at night?.." he teased, purposely missing my point and I shrugged.
"For about the first fifteen minutes, but I eventually slap the life out of it.. "
"Are you going to get annoyed about everything I say?" he asked.
"I believe so.."
"You look pretty today!" he tested me.
"The zit on my face begs to differ!" I coldly disagreed. Feeling a weird sensation of women empowerment creeping its way in as soon as I pointed it out.
He laughed, his eyes looked down at it then met my gaze again with amusement.
Oh my god! This whole thing should have been met with humor and sarcasm, not dread and terror!
I'm an idiot! All this time I was so anxious about a stupid zit.
"I'm no match for you.." he gave me the biggest look of appreciation and I smiled at the fact that Alexander gave zero fucks about it and was just enjoying pissing me off as usual.
"I never said you were.." I sarcastically agreed.
The moment I spoke about that zit, I started liking myself a little again.
Maybe that was it. Maybe you lose yourself because you don't trust it enough. You don't trust that you're likable even with your flaws. Maybe there really is nothing wrong with you except the pressure you put on yourself to meet your own unrealistic standards.
I'm not saying this little moment fixed how I feel in my skin. I'm still very insecure about everything.
But I managed to lock dumb Alexa in the basement for an hour, in front of Alexander,
...and that in itself is a huge win.
*+**+*+*++**+
And we're back! Thank you for the support on the last chapter, this part is longer.
I hope you guys had a wonderful Christmas, or not, if you don't celebrate it. Everyone's welcome to enjoy this book!
Regardless, here's my late gift, from me to you!I hope you guys enjoy. Don't forget to vote and comment! =]Â I wish you a Happy New year in advance!
Edit: Personally I don't think it's enjoyable when a book shifts POVs every 10 lines. But some of you guys are requesting an Alexander POV,
Please take a vote (the one with the most comments win)
Yes, we want to know what he's thinking.
No, it disturbs the reading experience (which I have to agree with)