Chapter 20
Arwen made it to one street off the one the town house sat along before a large shadow appeared at her side. They walked in some time with silence as their third companion, her mind battling between focusing on her destination whilst pushing out echoes of the fight just passed.
"I'm sorry," she said after they entered the busier part of the city, their reflections moving like soft, rippling waves across the glass panes of storefronts. "That you got caught in the middle of it all."
"It's not the first time. More often than not I am the middle of the theatrics," he replied with a warm chuckle. His strides were loose, she had noted, shoulders making those soft motions with each step unveiled that his words matched his composure. With a gentle sigh he added, "Look, you don't have to tell me but should I know what happened between you and Azriel?"
Arwen gave a small shrug. "If Rhys knows then I suppose there's no point in avoiding it. But not right now. I'll tell you over breakfast."
"Ah," Cassian breathed, lugging his thick arm across her shoulder as he guided her through the growing morning crowd. "I love our food dates. The best kindâwell, second best."
Frowning, she asked. "What's the first?"
He choked on a laugh, not saying anything but grinning down at her with an arched brow, eyes pooling with roguishness. A brow that had a light scar tracing through it. Arwen pinched her own, before rounding her lips and coughing. "Glad to know, you Illyrian pig. And they're hardly dates since you find them at pleasure houses."
"Eh, that's true enough. Alright, food dates take first place. Where are you thinking of?"
This time, Arwen was the one to grin without answering. And it was worth the reaction that she received from both him and the little shopkeeper, a lesser faerie that paled at the sight of the burly Illyrian and his wings. Cassian paled too, eyeing off the dainty teashop that was painted a pastel green, ceramic pots hanging from displays on the walls, small round tables with white lace trimmings and silver trays.
Arwen usually came here with Mor, once or twice with Rhysand but for obvious reasons, she never brought Azriel or Cassian. But now she had a heavy desire for light food and a quiet space to talk and think.
The little bell above the narrow door rang for a second time as it closed behind Cassian who was pushed right up against her shoulder, eyeing a pot plant near his head. "For two, please," she said to the shopkeeper.
"Of course," she squeaked out and gestured to an empty table near the front window. There were only two other patrons, seated together near the back.
Arwen glanced back, a hand loosely wrapped around his wrist as she led the way to the table. Cassian was too busy watching either side of him to glare at her. Illyrians were overly aware of their wings, so it wasn't a problem of not knowing where they were, but it was still a tight space that required navigation.
Eventually he made it through the maze of delicate decorations and tables, sitting opposite her at the dainty table. The chairs were naturally designed with a low back that curved around so the armrests were of the same piece of wood, a netted fabric offering support.
He puffed out his cheeks with a long exhale that made her smile at the table. He looked like he had just successfully strategized through a battlefield. Soon they had teas in front of them and the silver tiered tray was taken away before being returned with sandwiches, savouries and sweets.
Cassian held up one of the egg sandwiches. "This is one bite," he deadpanned.
"Yes," she agreed. "That's why there's more of them. And this isn't the place to stuff your face with food."
"Then why are we here?"
Arwen rolled her eyes, leaning over and shoved the sandwich into his mouth. It went down with a hum of pacification. They made small talk for a while, until she couldn't bear not talking about it any longer. "Where is he?"
"Rhys? He went up to the House of Wind." He huffed, elbow braced on the table in a way that made her want to smack it off. "Well, he should be."
"Azriel," she corrected softly. She assumed he retreated off somewhere since Rhysand had only come home that morning and was currently back on the mountain.
"He's fine," Cassian answered, his tone softening to match hers. "He flew off last night out of the city."
Arwen gave up on proprietary and placed her elbow on the table, scratching the underside of her forearm. "Do you know where?"
He gave her a look. "Are you planning on going after him?"
She shook her head truthfully. "No, I just want to know where he's gone. It's easier not to worry like that."
Cassian made a small gesture with his hands. "I don't know," he answered. "But if you're worried and he's not back by tomorrow night, I can go out and check the places I think he'll be hiding away in. Probably licking his wounds."
"Just ask Rhys to tap into his mind."
"You think he'll answer. Better yet, you think Rhys will do it?"
"Azriel is loyal to his High Lord," she said with a half-smile on one corner of her lips. "If Rhysand asks, he will answer. And Rhysand will because Azriel is his brother and his spymaster. He can't have rouges in his court now, can he?"
Cassian managed a blithe grin. "He's got you here, doesn't he?" Arwen flicked the remnants of a cucumber that split from one of the sandwiches across that table, even managing a small laugh at his grouse. "Do you want to tell me what happened now?"
Leaning back into the chair, she looked out of the window where mouths of fae moved with sound. She was trapped in a perfect little paradise. Then her own mouth opened and she told Cassian what had passed all those years ago, how Azriel and Arwen felt the bond snapping into place and his panicked response. There was no point in keeping it to herself when the one person she didn't want to find out, already had.
At the end of her retelling, Cassian sat hunched forward. One hand was splayed out along the table, the pads of his fingers ceaselessly drumming whilst the other was raised to cover his mouth. He stared silently out into the street, trenches dug into his forehead.
Arwen understood what was going through his head. Azriel was his brother in all but blood. The three of themâthey would always be inseparable and Arwen wouldn't want them to have it any other way. It never made her feel like something lesser. His natural defence would be to support Azriel, even if he didn't agree with what he had done.
But she was part of the equation. She knew in her heart that Cassian held her in the same esteem that she held him. With their close relationship and his natural desire to protect what belonged to his life, that part of him would want to do exactly what Rhysand had done. Which is exactly what Arwen intended to avoid.
"It was ten years ago," she said after too long of a silence. Cassian's eyes turned to her momentarily before shifting back to the street. "I don't want Azriel to feel like this is being held against him."
At that, he scoffed heartily and dropped his hand from his mouth. "He deserved whatever Rhys gave him for that. And Rhys was right; it was ten years ago for you but we're just learning about this now."
"He has full right not to want me as a mate. It wasn't either of our decisions."
Cassian stretched his jaw outwards, looking down at his hands that began to mindlessly pry a muffin apart. "He doesn't have the right to hurt you."
"It only hurt me because I was going through losing my wings and my parents in the span of two days then weeks later learning I had a mate so I'm shocked that I didn't say anything that hurt him. CauldronâI might have. It just...hurt, because I didn't think I had much worth left. It hit me when I was down." It was a partial lie. It would have hurt to hear at any stage of her life, but it had no doubt struck harder than usual. What he had said was basically a sign from the world that even a person destined for her would not want her.
"He cares for you." Arwen looked up from where she too had been staring at his hands to find Cassian looking right at her. "I won't defend him in the slightest for this but I do know that he cares for you and I need you to know that, Arwen."
She nodded with the faintest of smiles. "I know. I do. I care for him too."
"And we care for you." Her smile continued to grow, however wary, at the graveness on his face as he declared so. Then he shrugged brazenly. "You know, like enough to help you back up if you trip over but not enough to throw myself in front of a sword for you care."
The wariness dropped and Arwen shot her foot out under the table. Cassian snarled with a wince, his knee driving up into the underside of the table which made the entire thing shake. The silver trays clattered as did the ceramic teacups. Their eyes matched in roundness, grabbing everything closest to them, fortunately, nothing fell over.
The shopkeeper watched them silently from a distance, seeming to be terrified at the idea of breaking glass rather than upset at the noise disturbance. Arwen offered an apologetic wave. The pair stifled their laughter but took it as a sign to go. The rose and headed towards the counter.
"Could you put in my family's credit?" Arwen requested, but two arms came to hang around her neck from behind before the shopkeeper could, a chin brushing against her head.
"Put it on mine. The princess and I are on a date and I'm taking care of her."
She scoffed a little at his title for her being used right in front of a stranger, and then more at the underlying tease of his motives. But Arwen understood what he was trying to do and tilted her head back against him in a silent thanks. The shopkeeper nodded, not saying anything, probably very knowing well who they already were.
They navigated back out of the dainty teashop and she walked under the weight of his arm again for some time.
"How are you feeling?"
Arwen looked up at him, reading something behind his tone that she wasn't sure how to translate. "Fine," she answered. Cassian still looked down at her, searching for something. "I'm fine, Cass."
"Alright," he conceded in a slow whisper.
She didn't ask anything more and he seemed to accept her answer, at least. They spent the rest of the day in the city, and though she was surprised that he was able to spend so many hours with her, away from work, Arwen never mentioned it aloud. Perhaps he still had little to do with Rhysand being lax on him. Which made her feel worse for the whole ordeal even more knowing that Cassian had been feeding off their stress before and probably still, now that they were back.
When they returned to the empty town house, Cassian threw himself on the lounge in the sitting room, quickly falling into a nap after what was apparently a hard day. Arwen adjusted the throw pillow under his head, then carefully adjusted the wing closest to the back of the lounge that she knew would be sore if she didn't move it.
Retreating to her room, Arwen crawled under her blankets and curled up at the foot of her bed under their heavy weight, encased by the warm darkness. It was hard to tell, but she guessed she had fallen asleep on and off for the next hour or so by the ease in her body.
About to fall into another short round of obliviousness, her ears prickled at the light sound of someone entering her bedroom. Arwen waited silently, sighing as the mattress dipped under a weight that told her exactly who it was before their scent even made it to her nose.
A slither of light crept into her small cave as the edge of the crumpled blankets were lifted. "May I join you?" She thought on it for a moment, but nodded in permission. Rhysand lifted the blankets higher, rolling himself underneath them. He turned on his side to face her, but didn't match her curled form. They were enveloped in darkness again and she could barely see anything of his face which lay right in front of her. "How was your day?"
He wasn't ignoring what had happened that morning, Arwen knew. He was building up to it, testing the waters of where she was.
"Was Cassian snoring not a good enough indicator?" She felt the brush of his near-silent huff of amusement. "It was nice, but I'm missing the quietness of the cabin." Hence why she had retreated to her bed.
"You're free to go whenever you want." Another brush of his breath. "You don't have to forgive me and I'm not asking for it, but will you let me at least explain why I had to know? So you're not wondering."
She licked her teeth. "Because you're a nosy brother who can't help but get in my business? I already knew all of that."
"Becauseâ" he started, firm enough to tell her he wasn't in the taunting moodâ "you scared me. And I'm still scared."
"How did I scare you?" Arwen blinked in a small startle as a hand laid on the scope of skin under her ear, thumb stroking her cheek.
"You don't keep secrets from me." As her eyes adjusted to the darkness once more, she could begin to see the proper outlines of the contours on his face. "So I always wondered why it was this one that you refused to share and then you said something at the cabin when you wanted to go flying and I need you to be honest with me, Arwen."
Mother spare her, she really had no idea what he was talking about. There had been plenty of thoughts and emotions spilt that Arwen didn't even know where to begin in chiselling them down. Nevertheless, she submitted to his request with a nod of promise.
"You said that it would be in our favour. As in, both you and Azriel's favour if the-if the risk of taking you flying went wrong," he said in a single breath. His hand squeezed tighter with the fingers that curved around her neck. "As if you wanted it to happen."
She tilted her head. That hadn't been what she meantâ
"No." Arwen shook her head fervently. "No, no Rhys that isn't what I meant at all." She let a shaken breath out as she shook her head again. "I promise you that I do not wish that upon myself."
A hard exhale filled the small gap of air between them and a second later, his lips pressed against her forehead. She was stuck in her own moment of silence, reeling through what her brother must have been thinking over the past day about her. What he had been believing. What Cassian might have been thinking if they had talked.
"I'm sorry."
"No," he said. "Don't be. But that's why I had to know, because I couldn't do anything if I didn't understand. I couldn't help you."
"I had only meant that neither of us were happy with the bond and... It would be better if it ended, but I don't want it to happen that way."
"I don't know what I'd do with myself if something happened to you. Something that I could have stopped." He turned onto his back with another sigh, though this one gentler than the previous. Arwen remained on her side and inched closer.
She hadn't been surprised at his request to join her underneath the blankets rather than pull her out of them. It had used to be a game of sortsâone that she couldn't remember now, only that they would hide under billowing white sheets, laughing and hiding from something. "I don't plan on going anywhere," she said through a smile, however unseen it might be. "In fact, I plan on being a very annoying thorn in your side for the rest of eternity."
"You have succeeded well beyond expectations."
Arwen pinched his side, arising a sharp jolt from him, then a pinch back. She pinched him again, receiving the same treatment in return until they moved into an elbow-in-mouth wrestle.