Chapter 45
Arwen knew Rhysand was pissed.
She sat on the small, spare chair in his office, feet curled underneath her, and she hid her mouth behind her fisted fingers. Arwen's eyes were sore but dry and she could barely focus on anything beyond keeping them open and staying awake. Cassian stood right next to the chair, his hand lain gently on her shoulder, constantly rubbing his thumb over the bone even as he spoke with her brother.
Rhysand paced behind his desk. He had run his hand through his hair one too many times and it sat in a disarray, strands spiking in all directions. Scattered across his desk were the papers he had spent weeks draftingâthe copies of the ones he had taken to the meeting to solidify relations between the Solar Courts. Which was now more strained than it had been in centuries. After she had calmed, it became his turn to panic and she didn't know how to help. So she chose to just be there with him as he had been there for her. But something had been churning in her stomach for a few hours and it made it hard to concentrate.
Arwen winced as he swore again.
Cassian seemed to be on a mission of pacifying, answering everything that Rhysand said but the High Lord barely listened.
"I can't apologise," Rhysand declared, stopping his pacing momentarily to ensure that Cassian heard him. "I won't apologise. It's a weakness and it's not deserved."
"Thesan owes you one," Cassian concurred. "Owes you both one. And he will give it. The Dawn Court and Night Court have always been on good terms."
Rhysand shook his head wildly. "He won't see it like that. Won't see it as his fault."
Arwen turned from sitting with her weight on her side to her back. She moved a hand over her stomach. It felt as though a small flame lay inside of her, like that of a candle.
"Helion will report back to his father," Rhysand continued, hands braced on his desk. "His court borders ours and I needed to make sure that I could count on them as allies."
Cassian sighed and stepped forward, leaving Arwen. "Thesan was at least right in saying that there is no rush. We're not at war and you have time to rebuild this. Who knowsâAmun might get pushed off a mountain sometime soon and Helion will be High Lord, and we both know that he would prefer being your friend over your enemy."
Rhysand slumped into his seat, hand covering his mouth as he looked down at the papers again.
Arwen closed her eyes as the feeling inside of her spread. "Rhys... I don't feel so well."
He let out a sharp breath. "It's probably your powers again. Cassian can take you down."
She shook her head and peeled her eyes back open. This feeling inside of her was foreign and not supposed to be part of her. Arwen slipped her legs from the chair, shaking her head at Cassian who moved forward to do as her brother suggested. Her legs still held firm, but the flame inside had moved up into the pit of her chest. It wasn't hot. Not in the way she would feel if she stood before a fire. It felt like something was burning though. Scorching and charring inside of her.
"I have to figure out why that bastard was there in the first place. What was so important that he had to barge in on another High Lord's meeting."
"Rhys, I really don't feel good."
Rhysand dropped his hands from his face, letting them slam against the desk. "Arwen, I have just destroyed my relationship with two other courts. I don't have time to sit here and worry about how you're feeling."
Arwen shrunk under his fiery gaze. Her eardrums thudded with each heartbeat. "I'm sorry," she murmured, shifting on her bare feet. Her heels had been discarded somewhere between now and their first arrival. "Something just doesn't feel right."
"Then go see Madja," he hissed. "I can't think about this right now."
"Rhys," Cassian said, his voice quiet and smooth. "You could use the break and frankly she looks terrible."
"I have already put so much aside for her." Arwen couldn't find her voice anymore and she wasn't sure if what she was feeling was from whatever was causing it before, or a new dread at the look on her brother's face. But there were tears in her brother's eyes and she knew this wasn't just coming from a place of anger, but of frustration and pain. "I have cancelled meetings. I have denied visits to foreign courts. I have spent time organising your birthdays over taking care of this court. I have given Mor more than her fair share of work because I knew you needed my full attention. And I keep giving it to you. Can you not for one moment see that I'm the one in need of help now? Put yourself to the side and see that I have problems too?"
Cassian stepped forward, his chin low and set. "Rhys," he growled.
Arwen was going to vomit. She felt it in her throat and only by some miracle it hadn't come up already. "If I have been such a..." Her dry lips split as she twisted and pressed them together. "... Problem, then why do any of it? Why not throw me onto the streets and let me find my own way?"
"Because you are my duty," he uttered lowly, not even bothering to deny the label she placed on herself. "You are my duty the same as this court is. But for once in your life, I have to put this court first before I handle you. I just left a meeting that could help ensure this court's safety for you."
Handle. Arwen couldn't keep the quiver in her jaw showing. The sting of tears rose in her eyes and everything inside of her... Broke. Rhysand kept talking, saying something about how important it was that he reconcile with Thesan and send letter to Amun. A shadow neared the corner of her left eye that she winced away from before realising it was Cassian.
"I didn't realise how many issues I was causing by being here."
Arwen wasn't sure her hand would listen to her, but it did. Her fingertip grazed her neck, running down the thin golden chain until it reached the small vial containing the essence of a spirit from Starfall. It had hung there every day since he first gave it to her.
She gripped it and with a yank, broke the clasp around her neck. Arwen couldn't look at either of them, only at his desk as she dropped her arm to her side, and let the necklace go. She didn't even hear it hit the floor.
"Arwen."
Arwen lifted her eyes from the desk, barely able to make out the world in front of her. Rhysand stood silent now, watching her intently. His eyes were rung with darkness, perhaps the same exhaustion that she felt. How much of her existence was the cause of that tire? She opened her mouth, unsure of what she was going to say until it came. "I release you from our bargain." The stinging came immediately at her arm where the tattoo had been ingrained into her skin for ten years.
Rhysand hissed in a breath, raw shock slashing across his face. His hand shot to the sleeve covering his tattoo. It would be gone by the time he looked. He stared at his arm before looking back at her, and she kept herself numb to the broken expression.
"May I please borrow your general so he can escort me back down to my residence, High Lord?" Her voice shook but she pretended it didn't. "I know he is needed for your court, but I think it would benefit you if I was no longer present."
Rhysand parted his lips, the eyes that had held a burning inside of them now wide and the fire extinguished. Whatever he wanted to say, it never came. He looked between her and Cassian, before giving a small nod to the general and sinking down into his seat.
Arwen turned and bowed her head, resolute to not look back as she walked out of his office, Cassian a step behind her. At the first sign of his mouth opening, she cut him off. "I cannot deal with anything at the moment, Cass, so please don't talk to me."
They marched in silence from one end of the House of Wind to the other. But as fate would play it, as they turned onto the balcony, Azriel was coming to a landing with Mor in his arms. Arwen shuddered and twisted her shoulders so she stood in Cassian's shadow, praying that he would take her signal to pass them.
"Arwen," Azriel called as the pair trotted forward.
"Not now, Az," Cassian warned lowly, encircling an arm around her.
"Cassian," Azriel greeted tightly and in a warning back. Arwen clenched her eyes shut, unable to bring herself to look at him. She couldn't grip onto her own thoughts, couldn't be sure what she would say or how she would react. Most importantly, she didn't want to face them with the new shame mounted on her shoulders.
"Would someone like to tell us what's going on?" Mor prompted tersely. "Did something happen at the meeting?"
"We'll talk about it in a minute," Cassian stated, his sharp tone cutting down on any argument. "Rhysand is in his office if you want to bombard someone with questions and I'm sure he'll be happy to answer."
"Would you like to do the honours and answer a few?" Azriel barked back. "Like why you're shielding my mate from me?"
Arwen blinked hard, her lashes brushing against the leather of Cassian's armour. She blocked them out as the burning feeling swelled inside of her again.
"That's rich, Az. Considering you're the one who avoided her for ten years."
She tightened her grip on him as Cassian stepped forward, their voices meddling together into a single noise like a thunderstorm at sea until a single, shrill one cut over the deep growls. Mor snapped at them both in a way that almost made Arwen want to laugh.
"I'm taking her down to the town house," Cassian said, his voice softened. "If she wants you there, I'll let you know. Until then, go speak with your High Lord." He swept Arwen off the ground and she clung to his neck, just catching a glimpse of Azriel over his shoulder looking desperately at her before the general took flight and he and Mor soon became dots in the distance. It wasn't until Arwen felt alone, hanging from arms in the empty sky, that she began to cry.
Cassian landed softly at the foot of the town house. Arwen had to move her legs before he reluctantly put her down. "Sweetheart..."
She shook her head and moved away from him. She didn't want to hear that name, didn't want to listen to what he had to say. Everything was pressing down on her and Arwen was crumbling underneath it. For some time she had known that her position in Rhysand's court was fractured, but now it was completely broken off. And there was no one to blame but herself. "I want to be alone."
"I know, I understand." He caught her arm before she reached the door. "Just promise me you won't do anything stupid. Breathe and have a rest. You know you'll have that damned High Lord on his knees later."
Arwen failed to swallow the lump in her throat. "He said everything he needed to."
"That's not true." Cassian stepped closer, trapping her between the still closed door and his body. "He's angry and he's scared. He just saw the male who tore his family apart in a foreign court with you at his side. Rhys is blaming himself and not handling it."
"Or maybe he's blaming me," she whispered, her hand finding the door. "Just like he said."
Cassian's shoulders dropped. "Take the night. I'll be back in the morning and we'll talk. Just you and me."
Arwen shook her head. "You have duties to attend to and he clearly thinks I already take up too much timeâ"
"It's my day off," he interrupted. "How about that? I'll work Sunday instead. But I'm not leaving you here until I know that I'll see you tomorrow."
Sniffing, she pulled her sleeve over her palm and wiped at her mouth. Each blink sent a new wave of tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'll see you tomorrow," she promised. Cassian nodded and took her acceptance with a warm, but weak smile. "Cass?"
"Yeah."
"I love you."
He gave a rumbling chuckle from the pit of his chest and brought her into a final embrace. "I love you too, kid." Arwen melted into him, likely marking his leathers with her nails as they dug into his armour like talons. But neither of them cared.