Rowan
"How come there's no one sharing your room? I thought this was supposed to be a hostel." I asked Alana as she led me inside a small cozy little room with a bunk bed. The top bed was stuffed with luggage and the bottom one seemed to be the one Alana was using.
"Well, I paid extra which wasn't a lot, plus this is not the tourist season which means less people staying in the hostel."
Alana locked the door and backed me up against the wall as she wrapped her arms around my neck, going up on her tip toes and engaging me in a deep kiss. She pressed her body against mine, grinding against me and that made it even harder for me to keep my jeans on. I wanted so much to tear off our clothes and just show her how much she meant to me, but I couldn't.
She popped open the button of my jeans and before I had any time to protest or stop her Alana was already on her knees and taking me in her hands. What she was doing to me forced me to close my eyes and relish the moment, as I dug my hands in her hair. A groan escaped my lips. And suddenly, I realized how wrong this was. Alana was still a student at the college I'd taught and I was still technically her ex- professor and nine years older. No matter how much I wanted her mouth to keep doing what she was doing, I pulled away from her and did my fly.
"I'm sorry, Alana. I can't..." I swallowed. "I can't do this."
Alana was still on her knees, and the look of rejection plastered over her face. She seemed crestfallen all of a sudden. "What did I do wrong?"
She was clearly misunderstanding.
I cupped her face in my hands. "You did nothing wrong baby, I just...I can't let you do this."
Alana climbed to her feet and went to grab her hand-bag. "Rowan, stop being such a spoilt sport." She rummaged the contents and summoned the packet of condoms which I'd found earlier. "I brought these, so we might as well use it."
I didn't say anything, because I knew Alana. It was too hard to talk her through out of anything without it becoming a massive debate.
"Talk to me, Rowan. What did I do wrong? Wasn't I sucking you right?"
I flinched at her words. That mouth needed some serious filtering.
"You weren't enjoying yourself? Is that it? Because you need to teach me how to. I haven't done these things before, you know. Unlike some people who seemed to have a PHD when it comes to pleasing women."
Her words sliced through me like a sharp blade, especially the teaching part.
"Trust me, you do know how to make a man hard, but it's not about that." I blew out a breath. This was the moment of truth. "I think we should talk."
She rolled her eyes. "We can talk later too. We could use the time for something else."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Did they pour something in your drink in the flight? How horny are you?"
"As horny as a woman could get when her boyfriend refuses to have sex with her." Alana folded her arms and perched at the corner of the bed. "You are not going to tell me you are gay, right? Because it didn't seem that way in the car a few minutes back."
Here goes nothing.
"I think it would be best if we could take a break for some time." There. I said it.
Alana stared at me. It was just a plain stare filled with questions that were going to be bombarded at me just about now. I continued. "I don't know how long I'm going to be in Denmark for my therapy, it could take a year to maximum of four years."
She was still giving me that hard stare, I knew she would blast at any moment. I needed to thread slowly out of this situation. It was like walking over egg shells knowing they were going to break.
"During that time, I want you to concentrate on studying and stop worrying about me. Enjoy your college life, do what others your age do."
There was silence for what felt like an hour.
"Are you breaking up with me?" I saw a lone tear trickle down her cheek.
"It's kind of harsh if you put it that way." I couldn't even maintain eye contact with her.
"Rowan Masters, are you dumping me?" Alana's voice wavered, like she was about to scream or cry, or both.
"I think it's best that we broke up." I broke the ice.
"Just tell me this is a fucking joke!" She said. "Rowan? You're kidding right?"
I couldn't breathe. How had it come to this? I'd never imagined my life without Alana. The thought of missing a chance of being in her arms, or not being able to see her smile upset me. But, Alana was still too young to take a decision that included me in her future. I hated to see the dejected look on her face because I loved her more than my life, but I needed to give her one chance to see what life was like beyond me, because sometimes, between priorities and selfish desires, you outta choose what's right and I knew if I didn't break up and draw a line, she would never be able to explore the world. She would never find out how great normal feels like. And I could never give her that.
"But, you told me you loved me." I heard Alana say, her voice bordering to a sob.
"I love you, but that doesn't mean we should be together." If I allowed her to see even an ounce of weakness, I would eventually cave in. "You are going to be miles away from here, and we wouldn't be able to meet that often. It's not going to be a healthy relationship. Long distance never works."
"We could work this out. I could meet you every few months."
"Alana, you're still a college student, how are you going to pay for an air fare every few months? I know that I can't because I don't have much savings left. And my father is paying to keep me here and although I know he wouldn't want the money back, I owe him. I'm fucking twenty-seven raising a child and letting my father help me financially. Do you realize how pathetic that is?"
"Okay, let's not meet at all, we'll talk on Skype and you don't need fly to see me. Don't pretend like long distance is even a problem here. It's not. Our love is more than that. We have been through too much to let this bother us."
I remained silent because I knew she was right.
Alana began to sob. "Don't...Please don't do this to me. We'll work it out somehow."
I closed the distance between us, cupped her face and wiped her tears. "I'm sorry, baby."
"WHY?!" She shrieked giving me a harsh shove. "Why do you keep pushing me away? I said I would wait for you no matter how many years it took. I can't move on, Rowan. I can't imagine my life without you."
"Neither can I baby...but we need toâ"
I was cut midsentence by a fierce slap on my left cheek. It sting a lot, but not as much as the pain in my heart or the agony showcasing on her face. My jaw tightened, Rowan Masters had never been slapped by any woman in his twenty seven years. But, I deserved every bit of her wrath.
Alana flung her suitcase open and pulled out a package gift wrapped in glittery paper and pushed it into my hands.
"I got this as an early birthday present for you, but you can throw away one of the present because there's no use of it anymore." After that she pulled out a pair of silver high heeled shoes embroidered with some Swarovski crystals, one which I had given her. "I don't think I have any need for these either. You can sell them on eBay for all I care."
"Alana..."
"I'll return every present that I received from you when I get back home." Alana said in the calmest tone I'd ever heard her talk in. It was less scarier with her crying, slapping me or giving me a string of curses, but now this other calm part of her scared me as if I'd broken something deep inside her.
"You have something else of mine too." She said, wiping away the tears. "I want it back."
"What is it baby?" I asked.
"My heart. Give it back to me." She whispered. "Please."
"You will move on, Alana. Eventually."
"You ruined everything. You always do it." She said in the calmest voice, her voice barely a whisper. "I'm done playing this stupid game with you Rowan, I'm literally done. I sat through all your humiliation because I loved you, but you keep doing this."
"I'm doing what I should have done a long time back." I said.
"I should have listened to those people who told me to stay the fuck away from you. They were right. You really need therapy."
I'd heard worse things from a lot of people and it had never bothered me or fazed me at the slightest, but Alana's words hurt like a bitch. When I remained silent she began sobbing and punched me, shoved me and punched me again.
"If that's what you want, we are over. Don't you ever come back to me asking for another chance. This is the last time you will ever see me."
"Alana, baby, listen to me..." I pleaded.
"Good Bye, Rowan Masters. It was great while it lasted." She said and pointed towards the door. "I'm sure you can show yourself out."
****
When I settled inside the car, I realized what I'd done. I had lost Alana. I'd broken the heart of that one woman who loved me unconditionally no questions asked and I'd acted selfish. My breathing became erratic as dark thoughts began clouding my mind. I was back to square one, a single father, unemployed and with a truck load of issues. I covered my face with my hands, trying hard to calm my nerves just as I was told my Sofia. I turned the key to ignition and pushed the car into drive, pulling the car onto the road with a loud screech.
Alana was not mine anymore. And she would probably find a great guy when she returned to Carmel. The thought suffocated me. I'd crushed my dreams of a family with her with my own hands only because I knew that she deserved a chance to experience normal.
I pressed on the accelerator and drove around preoccupied by my thoughts, I snapped back to reality when I heard the loud blare of the horn which is when I parked the car at the side of the road.
My eyes registered the early birthday present Alana had given me. It was big. I pulled at the large ribbon and tore through the gift wrapper. I opened the top of the rectangular box to find a brown Abercrombie leather bomber jacket. How much money had she really blew off for me? It upset me that I didn't have much savings left to buy her something nice, and she had already returned me the most expensive gift I had given her.
I reached for something else that was hidden under the thick fabric. It was a picture frame with me and Alana seated on a bench in the park with Minnie in Alana's arms. Alana had a smile on her face that told me that I'd probably said something during that moment that made her smile. My eyes were on the two girls that were my universe. There was also a pink letter in Alana's handwriting, but I couldn't even read it because my eyes had started to blur.
My hands shook as I clenched the photo frame in my hand. I was becoming a mess, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't even drive. I reached for my phone and pressed the speed dial.
It rang three times after which she answered the phone.
"Rowan, are you still with Alana? It's past one a.m., you were supposed to be at the center latest by midnight. Do you hear me?"
When I didn't answer, she asked. "Rowan? Are you still on the line?"
"Sofia..." I tried to be strong. I tried so hard, but couldn't control when the dam gates opened. "Sofia...please help me."
"Where are you, Rowan? And is Alana with you? Stay where you are. I'm coming there." I think after listening to my sobbing plea for help, she panicked the way any mother would when their ten year old son got themselves in trouble.
"I'm in your car parked at the side of the road." I managed to tell her.
"Tell me your address, dammit!"
I explained to her in the best possible way I could, which I'm sure was pretty vague. I could hear the shuffling in the background and the clanking of keys. "Don't drive, alright? Just stay where you are. I'm going to ride a cab."
I was losing it like my body was getting minimum oxygen. I sobbed into the phone. "Rowan, stay on the phone."
I didn't even have my anti-depressants. I was going to die, I thought as I rolled down the windows.
"You are a grown up boy. Don't do this to yourself." Sofia kept repeating.
I thought my eyes rolled back, I was sweating. The world was spinning because I needed my fix of either a drink or a shot of heroin or I knew I was dead man.
"Son, are you listening to me?"
"Rowan?"
I could hear her voice in the distance, I tried to respond, but I couldn't.
Everything just blacked out all of a sudden.
****
A.N: Hey Everyone! Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Please Vote and comment telling me your thoughts, as always, love reading all those comments.